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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really harsh with my mum about smoking even though it's her house.

154 replies

Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 14:44

I have a 5 month old boy who has chest infections almost every 3 weeks. He has been admitted to hospital twice now for servere infections. The doctor at the hospital asked who smokes DH and i live with my mum. She's the only person who smokes she smokes outside never in the house however the Dr said that this is still affecting my son and basically said he won't improve untill she stops or he grows out of it.
I honestly thought seeing how poorly he was last time would shock her into trying to give up but she won't.

She does so much for us and loves our son her only grand child so much but obviously not enough to stop smoking.
I'd like your advice on what I can do or say to help her to quit. Short of moving out (which we cant afford to do) I'm at a loss as to what to do and my son is my priority!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 15:10

We've never said were going to move out. She would know we can't really do that at the moment. We pay to live here bit nowhere near what we would pay for rent and bills etc.
The Dr who spoke with her was fantastic got her leafelts etc. I have seen the leaflets in her room next to her bed as though she's had a read but nothings happened

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 15:13

In that case I can't think what you can do. What would you do if living with her wasn't an option?

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 15:17

We wouldn't have been able to have our son yet. I'm the only child and the house were in will be ours when my mum is no longer here this was to be a permanent situation I didn't realise what affect the smoking could have even when it's outside the house

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 15:18

What trifle said. Imagine (forgive me) that she dies tomorrow, or kicks you out, or whatever. Envision that you no longer have the option of living there. At all. What would your next alternative be?

KingLooieCatz · 27/03/2017 15:19

Sadly, the childhood friend I grew up with was asthmatic right through school. Now that she no longer lives with her parents and doesn't smoke, she has no symptoms of asthma anymore. When she spends the weekends at her mum's house, the asthma is back. I think she is pretty angry with her parents, although I can see she tries to be accepting of her mum. The steroids she was on all through her childhood for asthma didn't help her weight, which in turn didn't help her confidence.

Could you encourage your mum to try vaping? Her own health would benefit and she'd improve her chances of being around as your son grows up and being well enough to enjoy being around. Half of all smokers die prematurely from a smoking related condition. Not great odds.

Nicotina · 27/03/2017 15:20

My mum was pretty much a chain smoker from early teens to late 70s. She tried to give up a couple of times but after she was widowed it was even harder for her and her smoking got even heavier.
By sheer force of will, she gave up just after my dd was born. I am convinced that it gave her more time with my dd and her other grandchildren.
She died last year of lung cancer and it was fucking terrible but I am so proud of her and the extra years she gave us all.
She was an old fashioned fried eggs and bacon kind of woman of the pre-war generation. She worked all her life and didn't have much money. Nothing fancy helped her but she bloody gave up.
Considering how much she abused her body with fags, it's amazing she lasted so long. If my mum can do it, your mum can.

Veterinari · 27/03/2017 15:26

It's cognitive dissonance. Your mum loves her Grandson. But she's also addicted to cigarettes.

The only way she can reconcile those two things together is to convince herself that her smoking isn't harming your DS, despite all evidence to the contrary. This is why she's commenting on other kids growing up in houses with smokers and not being ill. It's the same argument as 'my gran smoked and she lived to be 101 so it can't be that bad for you'

It's too hard for her emotionally to accept she's endangering your DS so she's convinced herself that she isn't and so is unlikely to change her behaviour. You need to move out.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 15:27

And if your mum willed the house elsewhere? What would you actually do?

Rubies12345 · 27/03/2017 15:30

Just rent a flat, if you're on a low income you can claim housing benefit.

As for inheriting the house if she goes into care home it'll get sold! You can't rely on that you have to find a way to be independent

ImFuckingSpartacus · 27/03/2017 15:31

Your mother smoking outside is not the cause of your childs chest infections.

Stripeymug · 27/03/2017 15:31

If you won't move out then alienate the smoking?

What is your current stance for her handling DS? Could you prevent her from handling him for an hour after her smoking and keep him in a separate room for that time too.

RoseSonata · 27/03/2017 15:33

Think of all the obese people who know they are damaging their own health and do try to lose weight but aren't successful. Your mother is the same (except it's your DS's health not her own).

So YANBU to be harsh, but be aware it may still not work Sad

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 15:34

I'm honestly not sure whsy we would do I've never thought. Obviously we need to have a think now.
The Dr said that's the cause...

OP posts:
Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 15:36

Or are you saying it's my unwillingness to move out thsts the cause ...

OP posts:
HiMyNameIsUnknown · 27/03/2017 15:36

OP most posters here are staying you need to move out for your son's health - you state you can't afford it. Some other posters are asking if you can talk to her - you've done this as has the GP to back this is a serious issue. People have suggested limiting her access but you've stated she already smokes outside etc.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread? If a Dr told me passive smoking was putting my child at risk I would find a way to move, even if that was moving away to a cheaper area and massively cutting back on expenses, funding a new job etc. My child's health would come before everything else.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 15:39

I think the problem here is that she won't stop, so the only way you can put your DS first is to do whatever you would do without your mum in the picture.

ohdoadoodoo · 27/03/2017 15:40

I think that YWBVU to "be harsh" with her about smoking outside her own house.

Is there a reason you all live with her?

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 15:41

OP, I'm assuming you're not employed, but how much research have you done on benefits, support, emergency grants, food banks, council homes, assistance, etc.? Is the father in the picture and does he pay child-support? You may have to move, and possible quite far to find somewhere affordable, which isn't fun, but if you are obstinately determined to give your son the best chance, you can find a way to live independently. It won't be glamorous or beautiful but, at its absolute bleakest, your baby has his whole life ahead of him, and your mother has had her turn. He should get the first and best of your time and attention.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 15:42

Whoops sorry, just seen the bit about DH. Does he work? Can he be your son's primary carer whilst you work? Can you take up employment in complementary distribution so he always has a carer? Unless you live in Kensington I find it hard to believe that with two functioning parents you can't somehow find an affordable house somewhere.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 27/03/2017 15:43

The Dr said that's the cause

I very much doubt that.That now how chest infections work.

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 15:43

Yes. I will sit down with DH and my mum we need to make a plan and if the only option is to leave then that needs to happen. Living here enabled me to give up work to be a sahm DH works. To be able to afford to leave I will need to work again which is absolutely no issuw however my mum was going to provide childcare for me when I return to work which is obviously going to be a problem now too.

OP posts:
Stripeymug · 27/03/2017 15:44

I suspect that the cause is likely to be the fumes that your Mum breathes out when she returns to the house and also all the second hand smoke/chemicals on her clothing and skin but I am not medical in any way

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 15:45

It's bronchiolitis. When we were in hospital the Dr didn't even ask IF anyone in our home smokes he asked WHO smokes like there had to be a smoker to cause our son to be poorly so frequently

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/03/2017 15:56

The consultant paediatric pulmonologist determined this was the sole cause of repeated chest infections and paid a housecall to your mother to tell her this and give her leaflets? Wow, that's some sterling service from the NHS! It's like pulling hen's teeth in most areas to get a home visit from a GP for vital issues, much less a consultant doing one to tell a person to stop smoking. I'm impressed!

You can't 'be harsh' on her, no, it's her home. You need to get a job and sort out childcare and move out.

Your mother's home may have to be sold to pay for care she needs later on, don't rely on it as a source of income.

Stand on your own two feet.

expatinscotland · 27/03/2017 15:58

'It's bronchiolitis. When we were in hospital the Dr didn't even ask IF anyone in our home smokes he asked WHO smokes like there had to be a smoker to cause our son to be poorly so frequently'

How forward of him/her! Mine had it several times and we were asked if someone smoked, not accused of such behaviour out of hand. And no, no one did. There can be a number of causes of this condition, including, damp in the home, lack of ventilation, sometimes no cause at all.