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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really harsh with my mum about smoking even though it's her house.

154 replies

Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 14:44

I have a 5 month old boy who has chest infections almost every 3 weeks. He has been admitted to hospital twice now for servere infections. The doctor at the hospital asked who smokes DH and i live with my mum. She's the only person who smokes she smokes outside never in the house however the Dr said that this is still affecting my son and basically said he won't improve untill she stops or he grows out of it.
I honestly thought seeing how poorly he was last time would shock her into trying to give up but she won't.

She does so much for us and loves our son her only grand child so much but obviously not enough to stop smoking.
I'd like your advice on what I can do or say to help her to quit. Short of moving out (which we cant afford to do) I'm at a loss as to what to do and my son is my priority!

OP posts:
SootSprite · 27/03/2017 15:58

I'd be highly surprised the doctor has actually said to you that it is your moms smoking which has caused this Hmm

It's her house, not yours, if you don't like it, be a grown up and move out.

AyeAmarok · 27/03/2017 16:01

OP, you're a little bit disassociated yourself here I think. You need to move out, asap, so your DS is no longer exposed to the smoke.

Stripeymug · 27/03/2017 16:04

The OP didn't mention a home visit from DR expatinscotland?

randomer · 27/03/2017 16:05

build a hut

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 16:05

My mum visited our son in hospital and the Dr came and saw her IN MY SONS HOSPITAL ROOM.
I wish to god that this wasn't what we had been told then there would be no issue with staying where we are. I can't understand why I would make it up that the Dr who cared for my son in hospital said that Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 16:06

Yeah cheers randomer sure to Hmm

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/03/2017 16:11

I'd be reporting this 'Dr' to PALS for making such assumptions about my personal behaviour in the home. There are a number of causes, sometimes it's even idiopathic and sometimes it's more common in some infants than others (in babies born prematurely, for example), and to make such a statement, 'Who smokes!' without having thoroughly explored alternate causes, particularly in the home environment, is patently unprofessional. But it doesn't suit the agenda so I can see where that wouldn't work with this particular paradigm.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2017 16:12

Your mum loves your child. She's just addicted to smoking. Addiction is very hard. These days dh vapes. He's never managed to stop smoking for any length, which is why he vapes. Your mum probably feels incredibly guilty.

I have read somewhere that the smoke mainly dissipates after half an hour. So I'd try to keep your mum separated from your ds for half an hour after she's smoked a cigarette. Could you also buy air purifiers for the shared rooms? There are ones designed to filter smoke out of the air and I'd do some research first as the cheaper ones may not be so good.

In the longer term, perhaps it would be best to move out.

CaseyAtTheBat · 27/03/2017 16:13

Bronchiolitis is caused by a virus, most often RSV. Exposure to cigarette smoke increases your chances of getting bronchiolitis, but not massively, and it does not and can not cause the illness.
I think you misunderstood what the dr told you.

Chinnygirl · 27/03/2017 16:19

It's simple. You choose between your childs health or living cheaply with mum. I'm sorry but you will have to find a way. Can she help financially with the extra costs?

diddl · 27/03/2017 16:20

Perhaps he could smell the smoke on her?

It may not be the cause, but won't it prolong his recovery when he has it?

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 16:31

There's no way we could have misunderstood what he said. He had 3 students woth him all stood nodding their heads.
I can tell she feels guilty and really embarrassed too.
For the posters implying I have plucked what the Dr said from my imagination I can't for the life of me think why

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 27/03/2017 16:41

Firstly, your mum should try to stop smoking for her own health and yes, I agree that she should not be smoking around your little one.

However, I don't believe you should be asking her to stop smoking in her own home. She has kindly invited you to live in her home and now you want to dictate how she lives in it. It is not yours yet. You are the parent and it is YOUR responsibility to make sure your baby is safe. You need to realise that you and your partner are adults and need to stand on your own two feet. Move out and take charge of the situation - it's no good putting the blame on your mum - this child is yours. The ball is in your court and if you aren't prepared to do anything about it then the consequenses lie in your hands.

tiktok · 27/03/2017 16:45

Toby, I don't know why people are keen to denigrate the doctor's advice. The research is clear on this. There are a number of major papers which confirm the link between a markedly increased risk of lower respiratory tract infection and passive smoking. The doctor was being responsible and conscientious in pointing it out. I'll try to find an URL for you.

tiktok · 27/03/2017 16:51

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/07/110720103520.htm

This links to a systematic review looking at household smoking.

Outbackshack · 27/03/2017 16:53

My pil both quit smoking when they found out I was pregnant with dc1. They knew I wouldn't let him around their house. Fil now vapes but only outside when we are there, mil been quit for 3 years now. For the health of your child you need to remove from the situation if she is not prepared to try and quit

MadMags · 27/03/2017 16:54

It's her house.

You're an adult and you have chosen to have a dc. So you move and provide a smoke free environment.

twattymctwatterson · 27/03/2017 16:57

The thing is OP, you can't make your mum stop smoking. I agree with PP that it's highly unlikely your DM smoking outside is the sole cause of DS's respiratory infections although I'm sure it doesn't help. You've chosen to live with your DM because it makes your life easier but that doesn't mean you get to dictate how she lives. You and DH are both adults responsible for the health of your DS which means if you really believe DM's smoking is making him ill then you move out and make whatever sacrifices necessary to afford that

AndKnowItsSeven · 27/03/2017 17:02

Tiktok the study you linked to refers to passive smoking not smoke on clothes when returning indoors.
I think the doctor doesn't believe your mum only smokes outside what she is doing would not cause repeated RSV.
A specific stocking jacket would be advisable though.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 27/03/2017 17:07

Your mum isn't going to quit. She has already proved that. You, as the parent of ill DC is also doing nothing about it though as you are still living there. I know sometimes finances are tight and easier said than done BUT if you are that concerned with DCs health then you would make it work living elsewhere

StewieGMum · 27/03/2017 17:08

My youngest had repeated chest infections. Her father smoked. Consultant at hospital, specialist asthma nurses, consultant in paediatric asthma clinic all said the same thing: stop smoking as you're making her asthma worse & making her vulnerable to infections. In fact, we were lectured on dangers of third hand smoke. I highly doubt this is unusual advice considering it says the same on official NHS posters. Hmm

If your child is getting repeated infections, you need to move. If your baby is young, you only need a one bedroom apartment. You can look into shift work so your partner can care for the child whilst your working and vice Verda.

StewieGMum · 27/03/2017 17:10

Ex didn't smoke inside. He always smoked outside but clinic were clear unless he had a full clothing change and a shower, passive inhalation of chemicals from second and third transfer were equally problematic.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/03/2017 17:12

As an ex smoker, you can't help someone give up, particularly if they don't want to.

Although it bothers you and affects your DS, it's her house, you need to move out if it's intolerable.

You can't tell her she must wear a special coat, wash her hands etc, she is going to be pissed off at being told what to do in her own home. It's an awful situation and I hope you get it sorted.

Havanaclub · 27/03/2017 17:18

It is your mums house and her rules.

She smokes outside. How in the name of anything can that give your child a chest infection indoors? I don't understand. Is your child out and about where people smoke other than your mum?

Anyway.... maybe try get mum to use e cigs. Compromise..

But if you don't mind me saying so, you ctually have some nerve trying to control your mother in HER house that you live in freely..

Surely you knew before getting pg that your child would be be raised in a Smokers home. Any comment on that?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/03/2017 17:21

And it's not as simple as replacing cigs with e-cigs.

Does your DH work? Is there any possibility of moving?

Smoking is addictive and no amount of asking will get someone to give it up. She may try to
Hide it from you though if you try to tell her what to do.