Aibu to be really harsh with my mum about smoking even though it's her house.

[Toby123321]

I have a 5 month old boy who has chest infections almost every 3 weeks. He has been admitted to hospital twice now for servere infections. The doctor at the hospital asked who smokes DH and i live with my mum. She's the only person who smokes she smokes outside never in the house however the Dr said that this is still affecting my son and basically said he won't improve untill she stops or he grows out of it.
I honestly thought seeing how poorly he was last time would shock her into trying to give up but she won't.

She does so much for us and loves our son her only grand child so much but obviously not enough to stop smoking.
I'd like your advice on what I can do or say to help her to quit. Short of moving out (which we cant afford to do) I'm at a loss as to what to do and my son is my priority!

In all honesty I believe that your being a hypocrite to hold your Mother to a standard that your not willing to uphold yourself to.

As the Mother, you yourself should be the one to make sacrifices for your child yet you have come up with reasons as to why you won't simply because it's not convenient for you. Instead you seem to believe that your Mother should prioritise your child's health, even though you yourself won't, by giving up smoking as that's the easiest solution for yourself despite it not being so for her. You've clearly stated that your Mother has already done so much for you yet you are still expecting her to do more despite seeing that giving up smoking is something that she would struggle with.

My reply would be different if the circumstances were different but as it stands you are not unable to work, you could find a job that works around your partners job if you cannot afford childcare and you could afford to move out if you changed your priorities. Simply put, if you were to put your sons needs first instead of your wants then the solution is an obvious one. Move out. If you decide not to then at least be honest with yourself and know that your child's ill health isn't because of your Mother but because you have chosen to prioritise things other than his health.

I don't say what I have to hurt you but rather to shock you. I believe you are most likely a good Mother who honestly does not see what you are doing and maybe if it's put down in black and white you will make the choice that is right for your child.

It doesn't matter if she feels 'embarrassed and guilty', it's her home and she can do as she likes in it. Trying to shame her up isn't going to help. Instead of banging on about her on the internet, start looking for places to rent. If you cannot afford one on your DH's salary alone, then you need to find a job and some childcare if you can't work round your H's job/shifts.

You chose to become pregnant and live in what you know is a smokers home.

Why?

has the father made any comments yet ?

She is addicted. It will be incredibly hard for her to give up and you will make her feel more worthless if you nag her. She knows the score and is not stupid. I imagine she feels terribly guilty about it, very very sad and utterly helpless and useless.

She does a lot for you.

Hard for you to balance it out, I can see that.

The only way you'll get your son away from the smoke - at the koment - is to stop living with her and if you can't do that then you have to try to minimise it.

Who knows, maybe your mum would see a counsellor who can help her work out why she needs to smoke (she probably doesn't really want to) and that might help her stop, but that's a long and difficult road. If you want her to take it, the she will need to know you love in spite of her smoking, and you see her as a worthwhile human.

Immediate solution? Move out.

Save yourself any further hassle/discussions/fights and put your DM in a home now OP.

@Dione. Snort laugh. Sorry

OP, how old are you? If you're a very young teenage mum, I wouldn't have such a harsh opinion as the one I've got if you are in your 30's. You chose to have a child, not to bother working (plenty of mums work!), and to live dependent on your mum like a child yourself. You then want to rule the roost in her home. If I was your mum I'd be showing you the door - she's doing you a big favour and you're giving her grief for her choices. Her home, her rules. You would honestly rather stay there when you think its harming your son than go and get a job and a place of your own? That's crazy, unless, as I said earlier, you are a teenager in which case I can see why you want to stay with your mum.

You say the consultant said your son would grow out of it? How long? Weeks, months, years?

Bearing mind that you were born to a woman, and grew up with a woman, who smoked exactly the same as the woman you live with now.

Toby, I don't know why people are keen to denigrate the doctor's advice. The research is clear on this. There are a number of major papers which confirm the link between a markedly increased risk of lower respiratory tract infection and passive smoking. The doctor was being responsible and conscientious in pointing it out. I'll try to find an URL for you

That is not the same thing as someone smoking in the house is causing the child's chest infections. And the child isn't passive smoking anyway, the mother smokes outside.
Try and find a link that shows that someone smoking away from a child causes bronchiolitis. You won't.

I'm 23. I've always worked theres no reason I can't get a job. I decided to get pregnant bacuse my mum smoked outside anyway and I like alot of others on here did not realise that it could still cause harm.
If after I have let my mum know we will plan to move out and she still doesn't wish to change then that's the route we will have to take however those who believe this is something that could happen tomorrow are mistaken.
The Dr said around the age of 2 most grow our of it but I have spoken to people for whom it was alot later

I decided to get pregnant bacuse my mum smoked outside anyway

If your mother smoking outside was a factor in your decision then I am surprised you didn't research it more thoroughly

Granny smoking outside willl NOT cause chest infections indoors. Ever.

There is more to this. I think.

'If after I have let my mum know we will plan to move out and she still doesn't wish to change then that's the route we will have to take however those who believe this is something that could happen tomorrow are mistaken. '

You still intend on using emotional blackmail on your own mother. That is shameful! I hope she grows a backbone and shows you the door. I would. Imagine sitting there whilst your mother felt embarrassed and guilty and saying nothing. It's her home. You willing moved in and jacked in work to live like as a lodger as a reduced rate and are now using emotional blackmail on her to rule a house that isn't yours. Grow up! Lay off your mother! Start job hunting and house hunting tonight.

I also thought this was caused by a virus, which passive smoking could irritate, but she's not smoking around him.

OP before making any big decisions on this I would speak to your GP and get a second opinion. I'm not saying I disbelieve you, it just seems very odd that he could be made so ill by someone smoking outside.

Sounds like your DP might need to look for a better paid job?

*smocking not stocking.

Any words from DP/Dad on this yet?

My mum is happy for us to be here she WANTS us to be here. The fact of the matter is that if she won't quit we will have to move out. That's not blackmail that's the fact of how it is.
My mum smoking outaide was not a factor in us deciding to have our son. We got married decided we would like a baby and tried for a baby. My.mum always smoked outside so there was no issue of living with a smoker we didn't think!
It's not a case of growing up I'm not not grown up because we live with my mum

It's just not easy to give up smoking. We don't know the GP situation. Would she be on Valium if she didn't have her cigarettes? You need to find a way to compromise without hurting your mother or move out.

Protesting too much. In your own favour too. Hmmm

'The fact of the matter is that if she won't quit we will have to move out. That's not blackmail that's the fact of how it is.'

Then do it! But if you go on about 'If you don't change we'll have to move' then that is indeed emotional blackmail. Make your plans to move out, don't mention her quitting, she already knows, she's not stupid.

Bronchiolitis is a viral infection that babies are very prone to over the winter mainly caused by the RSV virus. My baby had it at 15 days and ended up being ventilated and tube fed, it was horrific to see her so dreadfully poorly. You will probably find that it improves now the weather is getting better, and you have the summer to make changes in your living arrangements. But you have to accept that you need to move before winter sets in again.
I hope your little one gets better soon.

My mum has had a stroke and heart attack, she is terrified of dying but she just can't give up she has tried and tried. She doesn't want to die same as its not that your mum loves fags more than her grandchild, it isn't as simple as that.
I know this doesn't help, just trying to give some perspective. I used to constantly give my mum grief but it was ruining our relationship and knowing she probably won't be around too much longer, I've given up.
X

" but she's not smoking around him."

No, but surely it's on her clothes, breath, in her hair?

Has Dad spoken yet. I must have missed it

Yes Jane last time we were in he was on oxygen and ng tube. It was awful and ofcourse we expand to the Dr that my mum doesn't smoke around our son or in the house. We believe him when he said that it's still a problem. He also said that this virus is alot more common in the winter months.