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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really harsh with my mum about smoking even though it's her house.

154 replies

Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 14:44

I have a 5 month old boy who has chest infections almost every 3 weeks. He has been admitted to hospital twice now for servere infections. The doctor at the hospital asked who smokes DH and i live with my mum. She's the only person who smokes she smokes outside never in the house however the Dr said that this is still affecting my son and basically said he won't improve untill she stops or he grows out of it.
I honestly thought seeing how poorly he was last time would shock her into trying to give up but she won't.

She does so much for us and loves our son her only grand child so much but obviously not enough to stop smoking.
I'd like your advice on what I can do or say to help her to quit. Short of moving out (which we cant afford to do) I'm at a loss as to what to do and my son is my priority!

OP posts:
EC22 · 27/03/2017 18:50

I'd add that living in a scummy damp infested place that you could afford wouldn't be great for your child either.

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 18:53

I was thinking that EC22 we would maybe need to find out what is the lesser of the two evils?
My husband is quite on the side of my mum in that it's her house but he also doesn't think that the smoking it to blame and more that it's the weather and thinks that our son possibly just has a weakness on his chest?

OP posts:
Nicotina · 27/03/2017 18:58

If I was in your situation and I couldn't get your mum to do the right thing, I would move. Your child doesn't need the trauma of constant hospital visits. He may have some sort of congenital weakness in his chest; it may just be a run of bad luck in winter. Whatever it is, being around a smoker will make it worse. That's not Dr Google or Dr Mumsnet telling you it's an actual doctor.

tiktok · 27/03/2017 19:12

I think it is likely to be true that smoking outside reduces the effects of passive smoking - studies tend to assume 'household smoking' refers to indoor smoking. We do know there is likely to be some protection if the smoker washes themselves and wears protective clothing which is removed when coming indoors - but the OP's mother does not do this very small thing ( unless I have missed a post which says she does).

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 19:14

She doesn't. I think this would be a simple compromise to make we would quite happily buy her a coat or dressing gown if she'd agree to it and hand washing

OP posts:
Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 19:16

I'm unsure if it would even make a differencr but it has to be worth a try to avoid the upheaval

OP posts:
RogueBiscuit · 27/03/2017 19:17

I don't believe your mum smoking outside is causing health problems. Your baby probably gets exposed to more pollutions from traffic. I think you're being ridiculous.

isadoradancing123 · 27/03/2017 19:24

She may well want to give it up but is an addiction you know. She is smoking well away from your baby, you live in her house, if you don't like it, move .

ComeOnSpring · 27/03/2017 19:46

What is your plan to move out?

Although your mum really should give up. You are living her life already, being in her house etc.. You're making her very responsible for your familys' wellbeing.

You need to make a plan for your family and move out.

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 19:46

Well then it's the hospital paediatric doctor being rediculous not me.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 27/03/2017 19:50

You just don't want to move out because it will cause you more hassle. Simple.
I find it strange that you expect your mum to put her GC first but you don't see that you are not putting him first.
This is the 2nd time he has been admitted to hospital and yet you are still around the person you believe to be causing it. #cantcurestupid

hopsalong · 27/03/2017 19:54

I don't understand how your mum's smoking (if it really is outside and not blowing in) is supposed to be affecting the rest of you. Smokers stale smoke residues may smell horrible to the rest of us (when I used to smoke I didn't notice them either), but being aware of this smell isn't the same as passive smoking.

I assume the doctor thought that she was smoking inside/ in front of the baby? If she truly isn't, then I don't think her smoking is the cause of the problem.

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 20:01

It was only on the last admission to hospital that they gave us that information. This is our home it really is not that simple at the moment what is important is that we have a roof over our heads untill we can work out a plan. For some it is simple but we have used our savings to have work done on this house we have nothing if we leave. No where to go. Ofcourse I can look for a job but it doesn't just happen like that at the drop of a hat and I feel people who are saying just move out are very ignorant to the fact that not everyone can afford to do that. It's just not realistic we dont live a lifestyle with lots of disposable income we would need to save for rent deposits etc you're welcome to say I'm making excuses but move out or build a hut are not realistic solutions imo #cantcureignorance

OP posts:
MadMags · 27/03/2017 20:02

You decided to get married and have a baby while you couldn't afford to be an actual adult and live on your own without mummy housing you???

Wow!

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 20:05

Thanks Madmags your input there was invaluable Biscuit

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 20:09

OP the solution isn't going to happen overnight, agreed. It might take weeks, or months, but it won't happen at all if you don't make it. No one said "move out today". But the strong consensus is that if you can't change your mother, change where you live. It is literally infeasible that there is no affordable housing anywhere. Things you can do today: job hunt, research benefits, look up affordable housing.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/03/2017 20:09

What do you expect people to say?

You don't get to tell someone what to do in their own home - if your mum's behaviour doesn't match up to your standards then it is up to you to move.

beanzie99 · 27/03/2017 20:12

Can you re-paint the rooms?

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 20:15

It's not about standards. My mum is fantastic she goes above and beyond for us. I'm not some entitled little brat I just thought the easiest solution was for her to stop smoking I obviously dont understand how hard that would be for her and from comments on here I see that it is alot more deeply routed than for her just to stop. I know she would be gutted to see us leave.
Her stopping smoking isn't going to happen tomorrow but neither is us moving out. For now she's going to wear the dressing gown and wash her hands because being the evil shitty daughter that I am that's what I asked if she could do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 20:17

Yes we've recently redecorated why?

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/03/2017 20:18

Easiest solution was to stop smoking? Yeah because it's so easy to do that 🙄

Nobody is calling you evil or shitty FGS - but talking like that doesn't exactly make you look particularly mature or kind.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/03/2017 20:20

Oh do we use hashtags to insult posters now Confused

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 27/03/2017 20:27

I'm not some entitled little brat

If you want others to believe this, you're not really going about it the right way, what with the hashtags and the sarcasm and the general binning-of-all-advice-you-don't-like.

Original poster
Toby123321 · 27/03/2017 20:31

I haven't binned any advice I'm genuinely taking on board all helpful advice. I wasn't the 1st to use a bloody # either but I really I feel I should defend myself against some of the posters.

OP posts:
NeonGod73 · 27/03/2017 20:36

Smokers can be incredibly selfish, stubborn, I don't even know what to call them. Most of them simply won't stop smoking for anyone or anything. I used to work in a hospital, I would see cancer patients who were smokers. Obviously this habit of theirs caused their disease or contributed to it, and they were literally dying and yet still smoking.