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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:
RaqsMax · 29/03/2017 00:04

Can't get over the defensive attitudes of some posters. The world would be a much happier place if people unbent a little and apologised more - it is really not a big deal....

I would absolutely have apologised to the other mother. I would have had a chat with my kids and explained that it was a very rude gesture; older brothers would have got a rollicking for teaching it to the younger sibling. I would have encouraged younger kid that she go and apologise to her classmate; it is an important life lesson that you should be accountable for your (even unwitting) actions.

And if I had an issue with another child in the class, it should ALWAYS be dealt with via the school initially. Otherwise some vigilante-type parents take matters into their own hands and the situation can escalate.

juliecorrigan · 29/03/2017 00:10

I would have been upset at being pulled up like that, but I would almost definitely have brokered an apology from my child to show willing. It will all blow over!! Far worse will come along over the years, sorry to say.

sleepthiefsmum · 29/03/2017 00:22

The fact the teacher spoke to you with the other mother even able to earwig is wrong in my opinion no wonder you didn't apologise and i wouldn't actually blame you if you went on the defensive in that situation!
I would mention to the teacher that your daughter learned a new vocabulary at the same time that the child had learned from her father?! You've spoken to your daughter and told her it's not acceptable behaviour and you'd appreciate the child's mother talk to her dd and husband about colourful language!

Judbarian · 29/03/2017 00:41

I wouldn't apologise for that. Kids learn from each other. Including rude and silly things. That's life.

The other parent was completely over reacting to complain and the school shouldn't be pandering to that. That's something that should be reserved only for upsetting or bullying behaviour.

nursy1 · 29/03/2017 00:41

For goodness sake. What a storm in a tea cup.
The other Mum should have just told her DD it's rude, don't do it as I'm sure you would have if you had seen your DD doing it.
Why would she lurk around and then sidle into the conversation. Bit of a drama queen I think.

catkind · 29/03/2017 00:42

Hang on a sec, is it even unacceptable behaviour from OP's DD? At least if I understood correctly, child stuck finger up at OP's DD, OP's DD said "that's rude". If my 7 yr old stuck his finger up at me I'd tell him it was rude too.

Strygil · 29/03/2017 11:12

What is depressing about this thread is the OP's failure to look ahead. By refusing to offer any kind of apology you are storing up resentment for the future. There are times when swallowing your self-importance and offering an apology which is not altogether necessary will pay a welcome dividend of good will in the future. All allowances made. and children being children, the bottom line is that your daughter offered an obscene insult to another child. Ask yourself what you would feel entitled to if the boot was on the other foot.

user1469649448 · 29/03/2017 13:24

I'm honestly amazed at some of the comments here. Won't be joining in any debates on mumsnet...

catkind · 29/03/2017 14:59

If you read the OP's updates strygil, it turns out the bottom line is the OP's child did not offer an obscene insult, she told the other child that the gesture the other child was making is rude. Which is a rather different scenario, huh? In fact it was the other child who offered obscene insults.

Clandestino · 30/03/2017 10:15

"If our nipped that kind of behaviour in the bud with your older boys then it wouldn't have happened in the first place would it?! So of course you should apologise as technically it's partially your fault! You should be stopping your elder children from swearing! And from teaching your younger child/children how to behave like that!

You need to approach this parent tomorrow and apologise profusely!!!!! And inform them of what you have done to ensure this kind of behaviour will not happen again!

Grow up and parent your kids!!!!!*

I sincerely hope you were being sarcastic. I know I laughed a lot reading this.

marie4321 · 30/03/2017 10:50

Hi, I don't think the mother should have to apologise, as she did not do anything wrong, how ever, I believe it would be in her daughters interest to have the chance to apologise to the mother and the other girl, for doing this, as it might prevent her from doing it in future. Marie

marie4321 · 30/03/2017 10:53

Hi, what I meant was, that the little girl who did this, should apologise to the the other little girl and the mother, with the teacher, and her own mother with her. Marie

marie4321 · 30/03/2017 11:49

It is NOT the little girls mother s fault. How ever the little girl and the brother, who taught her to do it could go and apologise to the other little girl and her mother, and hopefuly understand that it was wrong and hurtful to do this. Fed up of all the judemental parents who are blaming this mother. None of you are perfect parents any way, are you??? NO!

catkind · 30/03/2017 13:07

Marie, if you read the updates, OP's daughter actually did nothing rude, all the brothers had taught her was not to make the sign. It was the other child who was making the sign, all OP's DD did was say that's rude. (Inadvertently teaching the other child it was a rude sign, but that's hardly her fault is it? If you go waving the finger around at 7 an adult's likely to warn you off too I'd think. I would.)

What do other people think in the light of the update? Unless there's an updated update or I've monumentally misread the other one I'm not really seeing any blame on OP's family at all.

arlene123 · 30/03/2017 17:35

I believe YABVU tbh. How hard would it be for you to apologise for your daughters rude behaviour? Of course the parent should report it to prevent it getting out of hand and kids thinking it is acceptable. I also think that your DD should be made to apologise to the other child for teaching her something she knew was rude, probably after you have explained to her why it is wrong. You also should have definitely taken the C* word incident to the school for it to be dealt with. Not only would it teach both children that using that sort of language is wrong but also that no one needs to put up with hearing these words, especially in school.
I also think, however, that the other parent should not have been anywhere near your discussion with the teacher, she had done her part reporting it and she should have left the school to deal with the matter.

catkind · 30/03/2017 17:56

Noone actually following the thread?

Rainbunny · 30/03/2017 18:00

I think the other mother is being ridiculous actually, she can't protect her precious dd from every rude word or gesture that her dd may be exposed to. Her job is to make sure her own dd understands that it was rude and never to do it, end of story!

I remember a classmate's mother getting angry at me when I was a child for similar type of reason, we were talking about periods (we'd just learned about them) and I told her that once we start having periods it will be possible to get pregnant. Her mother was furious that I had destroyed her precious dd's innocence. We were 11 years old! She was told not to speak to me again, presumably to prevent me giving her any more "dangerous" information. She ended up getting pregnant and dropping out of her A levels at 17 which I actually think made her happier, her mother not so much...

arlene123 · 30/03/2017 20:00

catkind
It clearly says in OP that HER DD taught the other girl the sign. That is what needs to be dealt with, so both girls know that this is not acceptable!!!

catkind · 30/03/2017 20:24

And it clearly says in the update that on further investigation it turns out actually the other child made the gesture and OP's DD just said that's rude. Which is a bit different, I'd think anyway?

arlene123 · 30/03/2017 20:29

The child admitted to teaching it!!!!

OopsDearyMe · 30/03/2017 20:35

Well having read most responses its sad to see so many people see this as nothing. Jeez now we know where all the children get these things from !

catkind · 30/03/2017 20:37

I'll quote it for you again arlene:
Generallyok Mon 27-Mar-17 20:12:51
Spoke to dd. She said the other child raised her finger and my dd piped up and said thats rude. Friend said oh I didn't know that but I do know that f, s and b words are rude as my daddy says them! I think my Dd learnt a few new words too!

OopsDearyMe · 30/03/2017 20:41

What's wrong with everyone, just because something happens doesn't mean its OK! Of course stuff gets around, but it would do so a lot less if people bothered about it more. And they say humanity has no manners ... Wonder why?

arlene123 · 30/03/2017 20:58

I read that, the child still admitted teaching it!!!!!!

marie4321 · 30/03/2017 21:37

Gwen you sound so judgemental. I feel sorry for the mother, it s not her fault and the mother who complained should have spoke to the girls mother about it. She was kind enough to invite her to tea, so seems like she was approachable so they could have discussed it as mature adults