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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Generallyok · 28/03/2017 18:09

Really sorry I have calmed down and yes I agree to say sorry. I admit that although I don't tolerate swearing I do think all children share swear words (it transpires that the other child went on to share her Daddy's swear words with my daughter).I have always told my 3 children that they hear words but you don't use them.Thanks for all your comments.

OP posts:
Choclover27 · 28/03/2017 18:11

Deftandglory
According to you ' swearing is a revolting habit '
I think you will find you are the only one on here swearing.
Let me repeat myself....HYPOCRITE

SoulAccount · 28/03/2017 18:11

YABU.

Yes, these things do happen, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge that this time it was your child responsible,

Refusing to apologise is graceless. The equivalent of giving her the finger, really.

raspberryblush23 · 28/03/2017 18:14

YANBU

Bobbi73 · 28/03/2017 18:17

I'm on the other side of this as my 6 year old came home last week and showed me that he'd been taught the middle finger by a boy at school. I took it as an opportunity to explain about rude language /signs etc. I wouldn't complain to either the school or the parent although I may mention it to his mum when I next see her just so she knows what her son is up to. I imagine she will apologise but that isn't why I'm doing it. I would apologise as I'd rather be friendly with the other parents and it's easy to do but what is important is that the kids know it's not ok.

Sparklyglitter · 28/03/2017 18:23

I'm not adverse to apologising but it would have got my back up joining in the the private conversation I was having about my child with their teacher and this would have made me not want to apologise! How does the woman know that something else didn't happen to your child that day that had nothing to do with her!!! Very nosey!!!

hoopla17 · 28/03/2017 18:23

I don't think you're being unreasonable.. you are not condoning rude behaviour by not apologising. My feeling is that the mother of the friend should have talked to you rather than complain to the school.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 18:26

YANBU. She's a meddling cow to have butted into the conversation, too, and for complaining first rather than approaching you - sounds like the class tattletale busybody.

Focused123 · 28/03/2017 18:28

Absolutely! Am with you on that. I think she other parent was playing safe by treating the matter at school.That way the teacher can also keep an eye and talk to them as well. If it isn't given the appropriate attention, I think it might be the start of something unpleasant for both parents.

catkind · 28/03/2017 18:31

Anyone else find the update rather funny? So OP's DD actually only guilty of recognising a rude sign when she sees one - and complaining mum's child has done far worse. I hope you get an apology off her OP!

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 28/03/2017 18:33

A teacher once told me that my daughter had told a little boy to piss off after he kicked her.

I asked what the school had done about it. I was told that both children had been told off.

When we left the school I congratulated my daughter and told her that I'd have told him to piss off to and she did exactly the right thing. I also said if he kicks her again to tell him to piss off again.

Marigold76 · 28/03/2017 18:42

YANBU. If the other parent felt it appropriate to use the teacher as a mediator then they shouldn't have been hovering (and observing your reaction! WTF?) in order to put you in a position where you had to apologise.

When teachers are used in this way to deal with an issue it's usually anonymously done so you wouldn't know the complainee and parents don't usually get feedback either. Its dealt with by the school.

If approached directly then yes YWBU not to apologise but this seems so pathetic, to complain to someone else and then watch while they pass on your complaint, only to then step in after the awkward part to expect an apology.

Bunnyfuller · 28/03/2017 18:43

These things do not 'happen'. Your sons obviously think it's ok, so naturally your daughter will copy. Why not teach ALL of them it's unacceptable? If we ALL did that none of them would have anything to spread to other kids.
Of course the mum was right to report it, I don't send my kids to school to pick up this kind of behaviour and would not want to approach the mum of the child that did it! Apologise, your child was wrong. I hope you didn't refuse to apologise in front of your daughter, or let her catch rind of it, or you are further enabling the behaviour.

Crummyfunnymummy · 28/03/2017 18:47

Yeah I do think YABU. Why not apologise? Your child did something wrong. If my 7 year old does something rude at school then both he and I apologise. It's a social grace and I can't understand why you would feel the need to take a stand by not apologising.
The other mum was right to involve the teacher (though I agree with others that the parent ought not to have got involved in the teacher's chat with you).
My son was taught a few choice words, including the C word, by another boy in his class. This boy has a few issues at home, so I let the first couple of times go, but I drew the line at the C word and spoke to the teacher. I was admonished by her for not speaking up sooner! She (rightly) told me that if little incidents are not reported, then they can't address them or help the offending child to understand why their behaviour is inappropriate. If it's left until something more serious/offensive occurs this hasn't helped nip it in the bud. Makes sense really.
If this mum was mother of a friend of your daughter it wouldn't have hurt you to say "goodness me, how rude! Im so sorry. I certainly will speak to all my kids" Refusing to apologise just makes you look a bit ill mannered.
Anyway never mind, just move on, but next time maybe an apology (even if you're not feeling it!) is worth the effort.

Crummyfunnymummy · 28/03/2017 18:53

Oh just saw your update OP! Good on you for seeing situation anew after calming down. I understand. The other mum coming over to join in would have got my back up too! It wasn't handled in the best way by the teacher. And the other mum shouldn't have got involved. It riled you. It would have done me as well! x

MCamp10 · 28/03/2017 18:55

What a ridiculous overreaction. Children are children - they learn as they grow and it really isn't such a big deal!

SoulAccount · 28/03/2017 18:56

Life is one great lairy slanging match of MNers, out there, cheering on their young kids to tell people to piss off, loaning that anyone might have the temerity to expect an apology...

Good grief.

SoulAccount · 28/03/2017 18:57

But good on you, OP, for reconsidering.

BerylStreep · 28/03/2017 19:01

I wouldn't have apologised either, but only because I would have been extremely pissed about the other mother ear-wigging on a private conversation between you and the teacher and then coming over to try to join in!

If she'd maintained a discrete distance in the playground I would have offered to apologise, but coming over to see if you'd been suitably told off would have got my back right up.

^^ this and

The parent speaks to the teacher, teacher speaks to you, you say "obviously that's not appropriate, I'll speak to daughter", end of story.

Absolutely no need for you to speak to the other parent about the matter.

this ^^

I have learnt from experience to only give a commitment to speak to child in question because there can always be a different version of events.

Yogimummy123 · 28/03/2017 19:06

YANBU
Kids will be kids. By all means set your child straight.
Other parent shouldn't have come over.
Fair enough for her to mention to the teacher cos teacher could address it in class - so whole class gets dealt with at once. I doubt it's just your lg or the other girl that are doing it.

AcademicOwl · 28/03/2017 19:09

Apologising is just setting a good example for your child. It costs nothing, but brings everyone a sense of things being sorted. Not worth the hassle of failing to apologise, then agonising over it on mn. Besides, I'd actually be sorry if I found out my DC was teaching other children age-inappropriate stuff.
As for other parent discussing with teacher, if you've not jumped forwards with an apology as an immediate response, I can see exactly why she took that route. She's using a safe intermediary when she might not have been sure how you'd respond.
I don't get when people don't just use apology as a way of mending relationships very quickly. So much easier when we do that exchange of sorry/don't worry/let's make sure we work out how to not let this happen again... smiles all round. Result!

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 28/03/2017 19:13

I'd probably have jumped in with a sorry straight away but probably before I'd even heard what went on.....im a bit of an apologiser and would presume my little cherub Hmm would probably have done whatever it was.(must get out of that habit)
Other mother was out of order hovering around though.
If it makes you feel better I had the same convo with DS (7) yesterday when he proudly showed me the middle finger as his new found trick.
I explained it was rude, he said it wasn't as bad as the f word. I obviously explained it was. Asked who had taught him. Little friend in class who had been taught by his older brother (10).
I havent told the teacher and I haven't told the mum. He knows not to use bad words and now not to use those gestures either....but I know there's a good chance he will, I'm just hoping it's not to adults and remains a 'ooh I know a bad word' type of thing.
My sons C word is crap, long may that continue. And he insists that stupid and idiot are bad words cos I told him when he was 2/3 that they weren't nice words to use.

Hia3 · 28/03/2017 19:21

I think you should have apologised.

You might think the mother is over reacting, but it's certainly not a nice for 7yr olds to be doing. I would have said that I was really sorry and will chat to my daughter and son( as he taught you daughter the sign).

The girls are obviously friends and instead of moaning about this mothers over reaction( which I can see you point a bit)- you should have apologised- then all can be forgotten.

She probably now thinks you think that type of behaviour is acceptable.

Saj1988 · 28/03/2017 19:22

Well who has a responsibility here? You, your son who taught her the rude sign, your daughter? There are definitely apologies to be made here. You to the parent, your daughter to you and to the child she gestured to and your son to your daughter. Where did he learn the rude sign? Maybe you should all examine your attitudes in your family and take responsibility for the outcomes of behaviours.

catkind · 28/03/2017 19:31

May I remind posters of OP's update:
Spoke to dd. She said the other child raised her finger and my dd piped up and said thats rude. Friend said oh I didn't know that but I do know that f, s and b words are rude as my daddy says them! I think my Dd learnt a few new words too!
I'm struggling to see what the OP's DD did wrong there at all.