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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:
mumoffour85 · 27/03/2017 21:45

In my kind this is trivial. Out of politeness I would have apologised and stated that I would have a talk with my child about the finger gesture. At the same time I would have had a quick chat with the parent and stated that you would have been happy with her approaching you directly as the children had already had play dates and you would have been able to deal with the matter in the same Manner.

Frustrateduselesscounsellor · 27/03/2017 22:29

Sorry but reading this through I don't think the Op sounds aggressive or defensive.Although I can see how she might feel provoked into defending herself and daughter.

It was right that the other parent raised her concern with the teacher. It was wrong that the teacher didn't take the OP into a private room to discuss. It was even worse that the other parent intervened in a private conversation after having left it with teacher to deal with. How humiliating.

The Op agreed to discuss with her daughter and make it clear it was rude. The key thing here is that her daughter understands its inappropriate and will learn from it.

But also these things do happen - it doesn't make the OPs daughter a bad child or a badly brought up child. She probably does have lovely manners and is a lovely girl - just got hold of the wrong word or gesture. Its always going to be tricky with older brothers as she will pick things up occasionally. Its happened to my kids - its just part of growing up - the fact that the other parent has intervened like this has stirred things up beyond what was needed. Sometimes they hear or see something and don't really understand the effect its going to have and are testing out the reaction.

OP - your daughter is fine. The issue needed to be raised but they didn't handle it well. Just breeze through this now as its dealt with. Maybe chat with your daughter about coming to you first in future if she is unsure about whether a word or sign is rude or not. If you are open with the discussion then she can explore these things with you in safety. I've tried to do this with me and it has worked well as I realised I couldn't protect them from others who will use either bad language or gestures. So we try and discuss it as a family or one on one if they do hear things.

lottieandmia · 27/03/2017 22:37

It's not the OP's fault at all but given the context of the situation I would feel the need to smooth things over if only to diffuse it. Or at least it would be in the children's benefit.

OrdinaryGirl · 28/03/2017 07:55

YABU.
I think most people wouldn't be at all surprised that someone whose children made rude hand gestures was then unfathomably reluctant to apologise and then complained about the aftermath on social media.
A willingness to apologise quickly and sincerely when someone feels hurt or offended by your behaviour - irrespective of your intent - is the mark of maturity and is something we surely need to model for our children.

Lallypop · 28/03/2017 17:30

I think the main issue is the teacher confronting you in front of the other parent. Totally disregarding confidentiality and would have avoided this whole scenario.

ArvidsDaddy · 28/03/2017 17:30

YABU. Isn't "sorry" one of the magic words we teach our kids to use skillfully? Besides, she is doing you a favour to alert it to the school. Speaking to you directly might have been a bit too confronting for comfort for you both, and mediation via the head teach is just appropriate. Just say "sorry" and "thank you". Why agonise over this?

MissSeventies · 28/03/2017 17:32

YANBU. These things happen, kids pick up and pass things on that you would rather they did not. Of course it is rude but not the level that would warrant an apology from the parent. My feeling is the other mother was being far too sensitive and a little entitled tbh. I would have been happy with the teacher saying it had been drawn to the parent in question's attention not hanging around to measure your reaction.

originalbiglymavis · 28/03/2017 17:35

My sister taught me the word when I was little. I got the bollocking not her!

cherish123 · 28/03/2017 17:35

While I would probably be embarrassed and would speak to child, I actually think the other parent is quite unreasonable and should not have approached you during the conversation. Unfortunately, this does happen and child will exchange swear words. Maybe she should keep her child locked in a tower. I would just tell DD that said words are unacceptable.

Ticketybootoo · 28/03/2017 17:40

Take it on the chin . An apology will do some good and then you could remind your children that the sign is offensive .

tiggytape · 28/03/2017 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BiscuitMillionaire · 28/03/2017 17:42

Storm in a teacup.

Lalala7 · 28/03/2017 17:44

Hello OP,
YANBU, YANB-aggressive nor defensive (!?) but sane and grounded, and I'd venture YAB an experienced parent... :)
Totally ridiculous over reaction. I agree with MadameCholet's post...
That's classic power dynamics at the school gate - ignore it and surround yourself with kind & generous-hearted friends if you can.
Good luck for the next 4 years of junior/primary school!

EweAreHere · 28/03/2017 17:45

Personally, I think the real issue is the other mother hanging around waiting to butt in to your conversation with the teacher. I'm sure she wouldn't have appreciated another parent doing that to her and her child.

I would not apologize. The matter has been handled appropriately by the teacher.

And, frankly, as someone who works with classes full of 7, 8 and 9 year olds, trust me when I say that they all know all the naughty words and finger gestures. You may just not know that they know them.

JASWITHUS · 28/03/2017 17:46

May be you don't have to apologise but considering DD is 7 and quite old enough to understand the right and wrong, may be it wouldn't be unreasonable to have asked DD to say sorry to the other child - provided the scenario was thoroughly discussed - She may not have done anything wrong but "That" behaviour is not nice to carry on and by saying sorry they might understand that showing one finger is wrong and will learn not to do it again.hope you have discussed what triggered that scenario! If the other child was wrong, she had to apologise to DD for her behaviour too.

Choclover27 · 28/03/2017 17:54

I used to be a young mother of three children who picked up rude words and behaviour from each other and other children in the class. Now my children are older and there are much more important things going on rather than who stuck a finger up. Parents in the playground think their child is 'precious'. They so aren't. No one has been hurt. No one has been bullied. Kids will be kids.
Ignore the other mother. Tell your daughter not to do it again and then ask what she'd like for tea. It's hardly the crime of the century. And I have ended up with a daughter studying pyschology at a top university. She told the nursery teacher to shut the bloody door ! Shock horror.
I have a son taking his A levels predicted A grades..... He pushed a boy off the bouncy castle ...omg !
And my third son is doing so well in his GCSEs and he won the school prize for being the kindest child in Primary school. Despite not wanting to play football with a boy in his class and being called racist by the teacher ( not by the parent I hasten to add who just knew they didn't get on ! Nothing to do with colour ! She was as nice as pie ). So all in all.... It's quite funny 😂😂😂

emmaloo14 · 28/03/2017 17:56

I'm still not sure what people are wanting you to apologise for to be honest. If you have done something wrong then apologise, but you haven't done anything wrong.
You agreed to speak to your daughter about the finger gesture which is great, but I find it ridiculous that people apologise for things that they haven't done. A meaningless apology with a hidden eye roll is meaningless.
Apologise if you mean it but not just because somebody else expects you too, which with the other mother hovering is what she was expecting.

Enidblyton1 · 28/03/2017 18:01

I'm with you, OP. That mother overreacted. If her child hadn't learnt it from your child, she would have picked it up elsewhere. You acted appropriately.

NotForSale · 28/03/2017 18:01

I'm impressed that this other child has only just learnt this age 7! In my experience, the first week of school kids come home with nits and swear words.

Deftandglory · 28/03/2017 18:01

Sorry YABU I'd be horrified if my child ( who's a boy) taught another to "swivel " aged seven. Swearing is a revolting habit and one they need to feel embarrassed about. The middle figure is so aggressive as well.

Not saying sorry ( and her brothers told her it was wrong) means condoning it. When she tells you to fuck off in later years you'll expect an apology won't you.

Choclover27 · 28/03/2017 18:04

Deftandglory
How vulgar that you used the f**k word in your comment. HYPOCRITE

kastiekastie · 28/03/2017 18:07

It's true that parents are usually (in my experience) encouraged to 'mention' things to the teachers, rather than sort out for themselves. I think the failing was that it was done in front of the other parent, which would be a little embarassing, and wouldn't have given you any time to process what she was saying on your own. From the outside looking in I think it wouldn't hurt to apologise - yes they'll all hear and see stuff in the fullness of time but it won't hurt to apologise and show that you think what she did wasn't really acceptable. It's only her behaviour, not her, you're apologising for. (Or even better ask your daughter to apologise)...
But from the inside out I would quite possibly dig my heels in if put on the spot... (but then later regret any awkwardness ;-) )

Muskey · 28/03/2017 18:07

Personally I don't think the teacher should of had that conversation with you whilst the other mother was there. I am a great believer in dc or adults for that matter apologising when they have said or done something inappropriate but why do you need to apologise. I would also mention to your older dc that teaching younger children inappropriate signs/language is not cool.

Deftandglory · 28/03/2017 18:08

How so? Presumably I'm not teaching to anyone on here.

Craigie · 28/03/2017 18:08

YABU, people have the right to be horrified when their kids come home with this stuff, and if it happens in school it should be dealt with in/by school. You should've apologised & explained to both kids that it is not okay to use this gesture or teach it to anyone else.