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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:

LK2boyzma · 28/03/2017 19:32

Generallyok.... at my DS's school, parents are not allowed to talk to other parents about their children's behaviour if the incident happened at school. They say its a school issue and should be left to the teachers to deal with it. Maybe that's why the other mum did not speak to you directly.

I would have apologised to the other mom! YABU..😕

DFLinHove · 28/03/2017 19:33

As a teacher who has been sworn at directly, by more than one child, I do feel the need for parents to take responsibility for their children's actions. Yes she's young, but what she says (however she's learnt it) reflects on you as their parent. Sorry it does, even if you don't want it to. A simple "I'm sorry" takes the sting out of the situation. even if it stands for "I'm sorry I didn't know she knew that". For me, it's always the parents who apologise who take the behaviour of their children seriously and deal with their child appropriately. Be that a conversation / reprimand / consequence, depending on age. These days I come across far too many entitled kids with parents who think it's ok for their child to behave like a twat or are in denial about it.

Clandestino · 28/03/2017 19:34

Well who has a responsibility here? You, your son who taught her the rude sign, your daughter? There are definitely apologies to be made here. You to the parent, your daughter to you and to the child she gestured to and your son to your daughter. Where did he learn the rude sign? Maybe you should all examine your attitudes in your family and take responsibility for the outcomes of behaviours.

FFS! Talk about being completely OTT over one gesture. This is getting seriously ridiculous. She wasn't asking the other girl to tear flies' wings or asking her to torture small animals! What are you doing when watching the telly or reading Mumsnet? Clutching your pearls and keeping your smelling salta close in case you come across a swear word? Sooner or later every child will hear them. Yes, they should be made aware they shouldn't use them. Yes, they need to know not to use those gestures. But making it a scandal of a century is simply bordering on moronic. What are you going to do later, when those children are confronted with something really serious like bullying? Asking to behead the guilty side. Get a grip people!

Falconhoof1 · 28/03/2017 19:35

My DD was showed the one finger salute by an older girl. I told DD it was rude and not to do it again. No grassing up required.

Kisathecat · 28/03/2017 19:49

I think it's ridiculous to expect an apology from a parent for such a thing, particularly when it happens at school. You send them to school with a bunch of kids from all sorts if backgrounds, it's your job as a parent to be their anchor and help them to discern between correct and incorrect behaviours, not try to control the teacher the other children and their parents to think like you do! YANBU.

roundaboutthetown · 28/03/2017 20:01

What a ludicrous parent. Not at all the sort of thing I would complain to the teacher about. However, I would probably have apologised to the silly woman and explained this was out of character for my dd, so a bit surprising, but that I would definitely be talking to her and explaining to her why she should not do it again.

Mumofyoungteenagers · 28/03/2017 20:06

YANBU, just because your DD made a gesture, the other child did not have to copy it! I am sure with all that goes on in a playground these days the other child was perfectly aware that the gesture was rude and shouldn't be used.

I'm pretty sure based on my children's growing up that the other girl did to either act big/show off/get attention/ see how much boundary pushing they could get away with and when got into trouble did the usual "well so and so told me too" etc etc.

I would be with you saying "well let's not make a big thing about it as they'll just keep doing it to cause a stir. I'll make sure I tell my child not to do it again and if you do the same to yours that should sort it"

Without sounding aggressive, why should people have to be 'made' to apologise for every imagined or perceived slight. It's called growing up, we've all had to do it. I wouldn't dream of expecting someone to apologise to me for something so....childish....it's like one upmanship.....I know people are saying 'a sorry doesn't cost anything' but it does if you are saying it when it isn't needed or it's a control/power trip/demand type thing it costs precious self esteem.

You hold in there..... don't make them force you into saying anything that shouldn't have to be said.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 28/03/2017 20:13

Actually. My biggest problem is that I apologise too often and too readily. I'm trying to train myself to respond as you did more "Oh I'll have a chat with DS about it and come back to you, thanks for letting me know" rather than "Oh I'm so sorry, thats because of his older brother etc etc" without getting my child's wide of the story.

Case in point. A parent of a child in my sons class came to me in the playground and asked me to talk to my DS because he had been bullying her son. I was mortified and apologised profusely, agreed to talk to him blah blah. I did talk to my DS who was upset and denied it, imagine how awful I felt after talking to school and discovering that it was actually MY son who was being made a target by not just the other child but several others as well! School were monumentally useless because my son has Autism and ADHD and probably "annoyed them."

I promised myself then that I would stop apologising until I was certain I had something to apologise for. You weren't rude, you just didn't apologise. Just because the other children says it was your DD who taught the sign to her that doesn't automatically make it true you know.

NotaSnowflake · 28/03/2017 20:14

If our nipped that kind of behaviour in the bud with your older boys then it wouldn't have happened in the first place would it?! So of course you should apologise as technically it's partially your fault! You should be stopping your elder children from swearing! And from teaching your younger child/children how to behave like that!

You need to approach this parent tomorrow and apologise profusely!!!!! And inform them of what you have done to ensure this kind of behaviour will not happen again!

Grow up and parent your kids!!!!!

roundaboutthetown · 28/03/2017 20:15

Pah. The whole thing was insufficiently important to be bothered about whether or not you apologised, or how you apologised, or what really happened.

MycatsaPirate · 28/03/2017 20:23

Is this a PFB?

I couldn't get excited about something like this. In another year or so her child will learn much worse from older kids at school.

When my DD was in year 2, we (me and other parents) were waiting for them to come out. As they did, one of the dads got called over. He rejoined us with a red face. Apparently his son had looked out from the line up, saw his dad and said 'oh for fucks sake, it's my dad again!'. The teacher had to have words but with older siblings, friends of the siblings etc being around it's very hard to contain what they pick up on.

Did make me laugh though!

MycatsaPirate · 28/03/2017 20:25

Notasnowflake Hilarious. How old are your dc?

Makes note to phone my 18 year old tomorrow and tell her off for swearing in our last phone call

WilburIsSomePig · 28/03/2017 20:26

Well I don't think an 'Oh sorry about that' would have been a major problem and I probably would have done as I would have been embarrassed that my DD had done that. I would also have a problem with my 13 year old giving someone the finger too though.

I find the 'kids will be kids' line is often such a cop out for not wanting to deal with something.

BerylStreep · 28/03/2017 20:40

Grow up and parent your kids!!!!!

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 28/03/2017 20:44

YABU.
I would apologise because I would genuinely be sorry that my child has taught another child that.
Alright kids pick these things up - but that's not an excuse for you to lack basic civility

Goprogo · 28/03/2017 21:16

I'm a reflex apologiser and hate myself for it. I hate the sound of the parent hovering around to make sure you'd got told off that is really bad playground etiquette. I think I might have held off apologising until I'd heard my DDs version of events but might have said something along the lines of 'of course that's not acceptable behaviour leave it with me and I will talk to my DD - I understand that this must have been upsetting for you'. So not apologise exactly but reassure her that I am taking it seriously. I also err on the side of equipping your child to know right from wrong rather than just copy other children's words or actions especially when they must have known it was naughty. But kids can't live in a bubble - they will be exposed to less perfectly brought up children all the time - just stand on the touch line of any football match!!

Katherine2626 · 28/03/2017 21:20

It's a gracious thing to apologise, and it always puts you in a better light. If you say 'I'm sorry about that incident - as you can imagine with older brothers it is sometimes difficult' - and give her a smile. Immediately the other person is in a situation where if they start the 'Well, yes, but blah blah blah' then they just look petty and argumentative. I never see an apology as a climb down or anything of the sort - it finishes unpleasantness, certainly for you, disarms the other person, and you can move away with dignity.

Blu99 · 28/03/2017 21:20

People love to dramatise and overreact

The mother who made the complaint could have simply approached you. No need to involve the teacher in something so silly. Clearly, she has more than enough time on her hands. Kids make countless mistakes -It's how we learn - most will become decent human beings. If it's out of character, then I wouldn't worry OP. Tell her it's wrong and let her decide whether she should apologise. There are worse things happening in the world.

pollymere · 28/03/2017 21:27

The child needs to apologize to the child, nothing else.

Jazzywazzydodah · 28/03/2017 21:29

Nope. No apologies from me.

Her child should be told of for telling tales tbh..

Louisearm · 28/03/2017 22:01

Sorry but the only thing that matters here is that your child did something wrong and you teach them to apologise for it, and you should also set her an example by taking responsibility and apologising too.

Anything else like the teacher, the other parent, the other child's behaviour does not effect the fact that your child did something wrong and you should teach her to apologise for it. Black and white to me.

Mrspiggy456 · 28/03/2017 22:13

No, YANBU! I'd have been fuming

Lifestakingitstoll · 28/03/2017 22:15

I think what your response was enough of an appology, any more would have been have been unnecessary grovelling. Which, given the update, really would have made you feel foolish.
I don't see anything wrong with the parent approaching the teacher if she had a problem, although evidently she might have done better to speak with her daughter's dad instead!

Mrspiggy456 · 28/03/2017 22:17

No, YANBU! I'd have been fuming that the mother came over to join in the conversation. She should have left the teacher to discuss with you first, then left it to you to approach her if you wanted to. The fact that you are willing to let DD know that the behaviour isn't right is enough

38cody · 28/03/2017 22:58

As a teacher, the other parent should not have been present when this was bought to your attention - that is the issue that would annoy me, and probably got your back up, which is why you didn't apologise.

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