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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:
FatOldBag · 27/03/2017 14:35

Meh, I agree with pp who said a little meaningless "sorry" as a bit of social grease might've been the thing to do here. Personally, I'd much prefer it if my dd experimented with swearing as a bit of social/cultural exploring than if she was cheeky or rude on a playdate (or in general). Swearing adds emphasis, but on its own, it doesn't hurt anyone, whereas being thoughtless and rude does. But in reality you don't get to choose, they all go through these stages. Can you imagine getting to adulthood and being unaware of the one-finger sign?!

Anyway, your dd taught her a sign - no big whoop. She went to the teacher about it - again really no big whoop. She's more sensitive to this than you are, don't take it personally, just move on. Being annoyed with her for telling teacher is just as childish and silly as telling the teacher in the first place!

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/03/2017 14:54

Just because she normally has nice manners doesnt mean that she is not guilty of anything ever!

Of course you should apologise.

Wando1986 · 27/03/2017 15:05

Why 'would' you apologise... at their age I'm surprised it's taken so long for the other girl to discover it.

To those saying OP should apologise, do you really not have anything better to do? It's not like her daughter taught her how to call someone a c*nt or to punch someone.

Get a grip.

ComeOnSpring · 27/03/2017 15:05

YAB(a bit)U.

I think 'these things happen' is a bit of a rubbish response. You could easily have said something that made you sound like you cared. e.g. please could the teacher keep you informed etc etc. Rather than - 'these things happen' which makes it sound like you wouldn't be surprised if she did it again....

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 27/03/2017 18:28

I think this other mum sounds a bit odd. Her precious child has picked up something from another child but it's the other child's fault. But your child has also picked something up from another child yet she expects you and your child to take the flack for her child's behaviour too‽
I think saying you'll speak to your child and tell them it's not good behaviour and that they need to apologise is fine. Why should you, who didn't do it, apologise to her, who your child didn't do it to?

Luluandizzy · 27/03/2017 18:33

YABU. It wouldn't have killed you to just apologise on your daughters behalf/asked her to apologise. It doesn't matter how well mannered your daughter normally is or that this child was no angel at your house. At the time of this incident, your daughter wasn't using good manners, and rightly so she has been pulled up and you have been informed.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 27/03/2017 18:47

I probably just would have apologized out of habit. I think most would.

But in all honesty, the other mum hovering around and barging into the conversation would have really pissed me off. You and the teacher could have been talking about anything! Plus, she already spoke to the teacher and let her take it from there.

Your response was still fine, tbh.

Middleoftheroad · 27/03/2017 18:52

My 11 yr olds know these words/gestures - I did complain when they reported swearing in class - but they don't repeat. If they did I would have words. Not acceptable and yes I work at a senior school and hear it all the time!

paxillin · 27/03/2017 19:01

I would have assured the teacher I'd talk to DD. I would then make clear to DD not to do this again and to her older brothers they will be in trouble teaching her stuff like that.

I would not have apologised to the mum though. We are always told to go via teachers and never try to solve anything that happened at school between parents. School will have dealt with the girls and the parents each with their own DD. No need for you to apologise to the other mum.

GreenPeppers · 27/03/2017 19:10

I personally wouldn't have gone and complain to the teacher! There are so many ways that a child can learn thatnsort of things/words that really, no parent can expect their child to never be exposed to them.

I would have been very unconfortable for that arent to be hoovering when the teacher talked to you and to then include themselves in the conversation.
This was NOT their place and put you but also the teacher On the spot as if she was checking that you were duly told off iyswim.

The teacher should not even have told you which child/parents had been complaining anyway!

SoupDragon · 27/03/2017 19:13

To those saying OP should apologise, do you really not have anything better to do?

I have lots of things to do. I also have good manners.

paxillin · 27/03/2017 19:15

We are told not to talk to other parents about kiddie scuffles in school. At our school, you'd be told your DD "said in class" or "said to another pupil", not "told Hannah" anyway.

GreenPeppers · 27/03/2017 19:16

The OP shouldn't have apologised because
1- it's not her who was rude so if someone should have apologised, it was her dd
2- the conversation wasn't with the mum of the other girl but with the teacher. That mum was herself very rude in her barbering in.

Tessabelle74 · 27/03/2017 19:21

As you've explained to your daughter that it's rude and she's said she won't do it again I think the teacher having a word should be more than enough for the other mum. Personally I think teachers have better things to do and the mother should have approached you about it especially as her daughter has been to your house

EyeoftheStorm · 27/03/2017 19:28

Had this situation with DC 3 (7). He decided to share 'fuck' with his friend who told the teacher.

She spoke to me at the end of the day and rightly said done if the children in the class hadn't heard that word.

DC 3 lost tv that evening to show him that it was serious and inappropriate.

I texted the mum and apologised as social grease as some people have said. I do think it's one of those things.

The mum was fab - she'd heard all about it from her DC and she'd had a chat with him about not telling in friends which is exactly what I would have done in her shoes.

We're friends because we have similar attitudes. You won't be friends because you don't and that's fine. Chalk it up and forget about it.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 27/03/2017 19:32

I'd have said sorry, probably not meant it but I would have said it-tis the expected thing after all.
Wouldn't give it anymore headspace tbh, it could be worse.
I don't think you sound aggressive either OP.

NotYoda · 27/03/2017 19:40

I don't understand why the other mum put her oar in and joined in while the teacher spoke to you.

Either you tell the school and let them deal with it (and in this case they didn't even need to name names), or you talk to the parent (which i would not advise).

So I think you should absolutely have apologised, I can maybe see that this clouded your judgment a bit

lottieandmia · 27/03/2017 19:43

'The OP shouldn't have apologised because
1- it's not her who was rude so if someone should have apologised, it was her dd'

My dd has dyspraxia and poor executive functioning but I always apologise if she bumps into someone.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 27/03/2017 19:49

I don't think you were unreasonable not to apologise. It doesn't sound like you laughed it off, just that you had an appropriate (rather than OTT) reaction.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 20:08

I have only read the first page but I have to say, I don't think I would be apologising. Children teach one another everything - it's hardly unlikely that she would have picked it up somewhere else, is it? Not that that is really the point. I was taught the word 'cunt' at some point. If I call my boss a cunt does the person who taught me owe them an apology? Hmm

Original poster
Generallyok · 27/03/2017 20:12

Spoke to dd. She said the other child raised her finger and my dd piped up and said thats rude. Friend said oh I didn't know that but I do know that f, s and b words are rude as my daddy says them! I think my Dd learnt a few new words too!

OP posts:
AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 27/03/2017 20:13

The parent speaks to the teacher, teacher speaks to you, you say "obviously that's not appropriate, I'll speak to daughter", end of story.

Absolutely no need for you to speak to the other parent about the matter.

Kennington · 27/03/2017 20:21

Neither you nor the other parent sound particularly mature.
Your dd needs talking to and you I could have just said sorry too.
Why the pride? It is poor manners.
It is a fuss about not much on both sides.

NotYoda · 27/03/2017 20:23

Generally

Hmm, that's a really different story. I don't suppose you can really know who is telling the truth here

Aimeeandbaby1 · 27/03/2017 21:37

YABU. These things do happen but if it were me I would have been embarrassed and apologised to her. And made my child apologise too. I do think the teacher should have taken you into a classroom or something though, away from the other Mums

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