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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 27/03/2017 10:21

You don't at all OP.

FWIW I would have apologised but I can't imagine ever complaining to a teacher about such a thing.

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2017 10:22

You sound massively defensive of your DD.

Yes 'kids will be kids', which is why when they do something inappropriate, we apologise for them.

It has nothing to do with the other woman's DD not being an 'angel', because no kids or adults are.

You're making a massive deal out of this instead of simply looking mortified and saying, "Oh I'm so sorry", which is what most parents I know would do.

It's normally followed by the other parent saying, "Oh don't worry it's fine".

Just good manners really.

KateMateDateFateLateBateGate · 27/03/2017 10:25

The other parent has PFB syndrome. Of course it's not acceptable for children to make rude gestures and the teacher ought to talk to the class about how unacceptable this is. The teacher should have had a quite word with you without the other mum nearby peeking to see your reaction. No apology needed from you but it would be nice if your dd apologised to other child for said rude gesture. Saying all this, you sound a teeeeeeeny weeeeeny bit defensive.

lemontoast · 27/03/2017 10:30

I don't think this parent would have thought it fine though worra
Mainly as when she'd had her say- she hung around for an update!

Oldraver · 27/03/2017 10:30

The other mother should not of been hanging around and earwigging and joining in the conversation.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/03/2017 10:30

I'm not sure why the parent felt the need to talk to anyone other than her own child about this.

Children "pick up" rude words, gestures, habits etc. throughout childhood, from numerous sources. Surely the appropriate action is to explain to your own child that the behaviour is wrong/rude/unacceptable and that they're not to repeat it.

It's going to be a long childhood for this parent if they plan to complain to the authorities whenever another child does something inappropriate around them!

Lflossy88 · 27/03/2017 10:33

YANBU. If parents complained to the school every time their child came home having picked up some kind of rude behaviour they'd be meeting with parents everyother week.

As for the teacher discussing your child's 'negative' behaviour in front of other parents... That's just not on!

BlindAssassin1 · 27/03/2017 10:33

Wow, what a way to waste teachers time. I wouldn't have apologised but suggested DD apologies for using bad language in school. The other mother sounds like a member of the professionally offended and a tattle tale.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/03/2017 10:33

But, yes, I should have added - had I been in your situation, I'm sure I would have offered a polite "oh, I'm so sorry about that."

It generally does diffuse the situation quite nicely.

nanorgran · 27/03/2017 10:33

No i wouldn't have apologised. Her child will learn a lot worse than that i'm afraid. Parents shouldn't go running to the teacher every time their child learns a bad word. It's an ongoing thing. Most kids will know every rude gesture and bad word known to man by the time they leave primary school. They soon learn though that it's not acceptable to repeat them. The woman was being ridiculous imo.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2017 10:34

It would have been good manners to apologise, especially as she was right there.

lottieandmia · 27/03/2017 10:35

I think the other mother sounds annoying but in the circumstances you describe, I would have apologised. Standing there and saying nothing looks ignorant really.

And remember that you'll see this woman daily until the end of year 6 at least. For your child's sake, you need to keep on the good side of other parents.

lougle · 27/03/2017 10:36

I find your reaction quite bizarre, to be honest. I heard, from my mother, that DD3 (7) had been a bit distracted/disruptive in class, which is very out of character for her, and the teacher had told my mum. My reaction was to take DD3 to the teacher first thing the next morning so she could apologise and tell the teacher she would try harder to behave. I think it's important to show your children that you take behaviour seriously and that how they behave when they aren't with you matters just as much as how they behave when they're with you.

NoSquirrels · 27/03/2017 10:37

Well, I wouldn't complain to the teacher myself, but people are different.

If someone approached me directly to say my DC had taught theirs a rude word/sign etc., I would say "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry". But if they had complained to the teacher, and the teacher was dealing with it with me, then they shouldn't also have come up and joined in the conversation, so I can see why OP is a bit defensive about it.

Either a) deal with it parent-to -parent yourself or b) involve the school because you don't want to address it with the parents of the other DC. Not a weird half-way house where you're being "told off" in front of the other parent by a teacher.

In all honesty, I would expect school to speak to the class in general about rude signs, and make it clear it was unacceptable, as it's a bit "he said, she said". Not much to get worked up about, really.

BeaveredBadgered · 27/03/2017 10:37

It's not the worlds biggest problem but if my child had been rude I'd ask them to say sorry and have a quick word with them about why it wasn't appropriate behaviour. It isn't a big deal but just one of those things to sort out and move on from.

pilates · 27/03/2017 10:41

Op, i think a quick "sorry about that, I will reiterate to her at home that is not an acceptable way to behave" would not have gone a miss. It just reinforces to the parent and teacher that you will support unacceptable behaviour.

KateMateDateFateLateBateGate · 27/03/2017 10:44

I definitely think the other mum was rude to barge into your conversation with the teacher. Very precious behaviour, which explains your defensiveness. YANBU.

kimann · 27/03/2017 10:44

Yabu. Why do you not want to apologise? Is it because you don't think your child is in the wrong? It's not that hard to apologise you know Confused maybe the parent felt she couldn't speak to you.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2017 10:44

TBH, I would have been mortified if my child had done it. I find it strange that you do not seem bothered at all but are more annoyed that another parent has complained.

I can not believe that my DD has managed not to do this given her brothers are 5&7 years older than her and I know they once spent an afternoon teaching her swear words. Somehow she has managed to keep it for home!

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 27/03/2017 10:47

The important thing is that you undertake to deal with the problem and you did that.
Inappropriate for mother to be hovering. Teacher should have waited til you were alone to raise the issue. I have unfortunately had cause to raise behaviour of other children on several occasions (bullying and exclusion of ds) but never in a million years would I dream of being privy to teacher approaching other parents!

thatcatpigeon · 27/03/2017 10:52

I would have apologised on my childs behalf, just a quick "I'm so sorry that happened, it was completely out of character, I'm mortified and I've had words - it won't happen again" kind of thing. Just basic manners really.

Looneytune253 · 27/03/2017 10:53

Wow i would absolutely complain if a child was using bad language around my child. Im not all that overprotective either. If i knew the mum well maybe i would mention it directly but if i only knew them in passing i would absolutely tell the teacher. If it was my child being complained about i would be mortified and apologise profusely straight away. Kids do pick these things up though so wouldn't judge the family. I may think badly of them though if they appeared to be uninterested in correcting their child's behaviour and not apologetic.

Porpoiselife · 27/03/2017 10:54

YABU, why not just apologise? If my child had done something like that at school I'd have been mortified.

Of course children pick things up at school, mine have learnt a few choice words from some of the little cherubs in their class, but if I knew my child had been teaching that or anything rude to another of course I'd apologise.

Having older siblings is not an excuse for them to teach their classmates bad gestures. Especially when the older sibling is only 10!

OlafLovesAnna · 27/03/2017 10:56

I have a horrible feeling I'll be in your situation when DD starts school ( brothers 5 and 7 yrs older). I think I'd probably feel as you do but I'd also chuck in in a 'so sorry about that, I'll have a serious talk with her' just as a bit of a sop to the other parent.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 27/03/2017 10:59

The other mother shouldn't have been hovering around in the first place while the teacher was speaking to you.

If she chose to bring it to the school's attention and for it to be dealt with in that manner then she should have left it to the teacher and not involved herself in the conversation.