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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 27/03/2017 11:57

"The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more."

Sounds like quite a free for all!

Don't think that I would have been apologising in the circs tbh-not with her joining the conversation-what's the need?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/03/2017 12:03

Just not sure why the parent couldn't talk to me rather than complain to the teacher ...."

At our school it's made very clear that parents shouldn't approach other parents about issues in school. Any concerns are to be discussed with the teachers.

^^ exactly what windybottoms said. It's stressed that you dont approach the other parent. In fact, I have approached another parent once, and that was TO apologise for my DDs behaviour, she was looking after her DB but went a bit OTT, nothing more than an exchange of words but instill felt the need to apologise and make DD do so too. The Mum was fine, laughed it off and said there was no need and she'd have done exactly the same as DD for her brother.

IMO. The Mum was BU to stick her oar in to the conversation between you and the teacher but you were also being a bit U to just say 'its a kids thing'. Well yes it is, but it needs to be reined in before they get to the stage like the lad in my DCs last school who thought it was funny and cool to call his new supply teacher a paedo Hmm. No idea what it meant of course but had repeated it because he'd heard it at home and thought it was cool to do so.

isupposeitsverynice · 27/03/2017 12:04

Kids learn swear words. Why would you punish them for hearing something and repeating it without really understanding? That's madness. Just explain that some people find certain words offensive so we don't use them in polite company. My ten year old knows the word cunt because some pollock etched it into the dust on a road sign near us. I told him that a lot of people consider it to be one of the most offensive swears and if I got wind of him using it then he'd be for it. If I hadn't explained that it'd be crappy of me to punish him for using it.

shovetheholly · 27/03/2017 12:05

Part of the reason for apologising for something minor that isn't really your 'fault' is that it's an act that cancels itself. Once the apology is given, it becomes no longer necessary by virtue of the other person's gracious acceptance. But it's a ritual that is important in its own right precisely because of the way it smooths relations. By being defensive and refusing to apologise, you curtail that possibility.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 27/03/2017 12:05

I would apologise out of common courtesy. But I wouldn't mean it. She could have picked it up anywhere. I was waiting to collect ds2 from school and a girl a similar age ran out of class and gave her sister the finger. The mum turned to me looking horrified I'd seen it, but I was trying not to laugh because the girl looked like a cutie pie and I was so surprised. It's a naice school. Stuff like that doesn't bother me. My dcs know not to do it to or in front of adults.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/03/2017 12:07

Well yes of course kids are kids, doesn't mean everything they do is acceptable.

An apology in my opinion, was needed for the teacher and no one else. Doesn't excuse it of course but the OP said she will speak to her. I think that's all the OP can do. I bet the OPs DD hears and sees a lot worse than a middle finger in the playground.
The Mum sounds like she was hovering around to 'make sure the teacher had words with OP'. No need.

Clandestino · 27/03/2017 12:08

You're NBU.
The other Mum had no business eavesdropping on your conversation with the teacher. Also, you shouldn't be apologising to her.
If something happens at school, it needs to be addressed through school, even though showing a finger is a total triviality considering more serious things that can happen at school.
When it comes to these gestures, children at that age simply mimic their peers or older kids most of the time and they don't put the same value on them, that's including swear words. A little conversation with your DD from your side would be enough.
Some parents live in a cuckoo-land and believe that their precious little darlings will never use any bad words or gestures. Funny enough, from my own experience, those children will become champions at using swear words and impolite gestures but will make sure their parents don't get to see it.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 27/03/2017 12:08

Is other Mother's child a PFB by any chance?

I can't imagine feeling the need to complain to a teacher about my child being taught a rude gesture. I would be very clear to my child though that it's use was not acceptable.

In the scheme of things, I probably would have apologised. (with an inward eye-roll) At that age they can be sworn enemies one day, and best friends the next. Probably wise to reassure friend's mother that you don't condone it.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 27/03/2017 12:08

Jake that is a very sensible question. I ought to add my dcs are 12 and 9.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2017 12:18

So Dd asked when it was appropriate?!

I gave my children a hierarchy of people.
They can swear in front of their peers (to be clear, they were teens when I gave them this particular option!),
They shouldn't swear in front of me.
They should not swear in front of adults
They should absolutely never swear in front of teachers or people like that,
They should never ever ever EVER on pain of death swear in front of my parents.

It seems to have work although I have pulled them up on swearing in front of me (it doesn't bother me but I think it's good manners)

skincarejunkie · 27/03/2017 12:28

Primary schools prefer parents not to approach other parents directly about these things. It can turn into a bun fight and can be very unhelpful in bullying cases (Not related, I know but one policy is easier to uphold). I would have apologised - not in a massively OTT way, but a cringe-look and a "Sorry about that, I'll deal with it" way. My DS mis-understood the V/peace sign in the RND video they watched at school and proceeded to offend loads of people with his "go away" fingers! They are kids... But I do seek out parents to apologise when things happen. Why wouldn't you?

Starlight2345 · 27/03/2017 12:30

YABU..

The reason things go into school is because it is not age appropriate.

The older brothers thing really annoys me. You need to speak to the brothers who are assuming 10.My DS is 9 almost 10 and I would not expect him to be teaching gestures like that too others.

All your children need talking to.

Yes the teacher should talk to children about acceptable behaviour.

I have been into school about langauge that I considered to be very inappropriate for the childrens age..It was been used in a game played by a big group. I know exactly who it came from ( as my DS told me) someone with an older Sibling. I was actually thanked by head who spoke to the group about why it was inapproriate. ( including my Ds although I had already spoke to him)

The other parent was in the wrong. She either wanted to deal with it with you or not.. I don;t blame her for not as to me it is a school issue, however she can't have it both ways..

Yes you or your DD should appologise.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 27/03/2017 12:35

I think saying you were going to talk to your DD so she understands exactly how rude the gesture was covered it. Children do hear and see rude behavior from their peers at that age and emulate it without understanding how rude it is, and how ridiculous they look when they swear or make nasty gestures at people. If your DD hadn't learned it from her brothers she would have learned it somewhere else.

The mother was right to talk to the teacher. If your DD taught her daughter she could have taught others and the teacher needs to know before the whole class starts flipping off passers by en masse out of the bus windows on field trips etc.

christmasmum · 27/03/2017 12:46

I think YABU but only because we live in the UK - we apologise for everything!

ZombieApocalips · 27/03/2017 12:50

Yanbu but your dd should have expressed remorse to her teacher and apologised for using the gesture to her friend.

KnackeredOldWoman · 27/03/2017 12:54

I wouldn't have apologised to the mother, she sounds like a right snide.
Your child should not have sworn, you have been informed by the teacher and that is correct.

This whole situation sounds like a bit of a power trip for the other mother tbh. She wanted you to feel mortified and then start apologising to her! Good for you for not apologising!

By behaving how she did i.e. hanging around when you were being informed etc, she showed you and the teacher, that this was all about her and not really about her child witnessing bad behaviour by your child.

Make a mental note of what she's like and don't forget.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/03/2017 13:09

I have given my kids exactly the same hierarchy SoupDragon.

I would have apologised, because that's me, but I would have been rolling my eyes to hell and back internally.

DJBaggySmalls · 27/03/2017 13:13

Not only would I not apologise, I'd also warn my DC's that child is a troublemaker and will drop them in it to save their own hide.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2017 13:27

I'd also warn my DC's that child is a troublemaker

That is really nasty.

OVienna · 27/03/2017 13:32

*TheStoic Mon 27-Mar-17 10:06:32

Some parents have too much time on their hands.*

^this

ThoraGruntwhistle · 27/03/2017 13:38

I would have asked DD to apologise to the other child. I would've also said sorry that she'd been rude but would privately be thinking 'ffs' because if someone making a rude finger gesture is enough of an issue for the parent to go in and complain to the school, she's probably a massive pain in the arse.

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/03/2017 14:18

Yanbu. Did your dd actually use the finger at her or just show her? I do think that makes a (small) difference. If she thinks that's the worst her dd will learn at school she's in for a shock.

If mum spoke to the teacher i would assume school had already spoken to the kids and sorted any apologies, no need to do it twice. I also wouldn't apologise on the basis she was hanging around eavesdropping and barging in on what should have been a private conversation.

Looneytune253 · 27/03/2017 14:31

Reallythora? I wouldn't have thought it strange for a parent to go in and complain about that? It defo needs to be dealt with?

lottieandmia · 27/03/2017 14:33

I agree soupdragon. A these kids are only 7. I also disagree with any attempt by parents to smear their child's peers in this way. It certainly won't benefit any of them in the long run.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 27/03/2017 14:35

Yabu.