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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to a mum at school

230 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2017 09:57

Dd 's teacher approached me this morning at school and asked to have a quick word. Dd is 7. She told me that a parent in my daughters class had complained that their daughter had come home from school and used the one finger sign. Apparently my daughter taught it to her! I'm not that surprised as she has 2 older brothers and although we don't tolerate rudeness kids will be kids. The parent was waiting close by to see my reaction and approached us to join in conversation. The teacher said she asked my daughter if she had use this sign and she admitted she had but her brother had told her it was rude and she shouldn't do it any more. I think the parent was wanting for an apology but I'm afraid I said that I will make sure she knows it's rude but these things happen. I'm really annoyed that this parent has complained as a child in an older class taught my dd the c word when she was in reception but it certainly never crossed my mind to complain. AIBU?

OP posts:
SoberSusan · 27/03/2017 11:01

YABU, your child was in the wrong.

Falafelings · 27/03/2017 11:03

It happened in school and is therefore a school issue.

No you don't have to apologise. Your DD should apologise to the girl though.

Of course the school have to stamp out awful behaviour

OlennasWimple · 27/03/2017 11:03

Mother shouldn't have joined in the conversation, but why on earth wouldn't you say "I'm so sorry about that, I'll have a word with her"? Confused What benefit does it bring you to refuse to apologise, compared to the smoothing over of the incident if you just say sorry on your DD's behalf?

Original poster
Generallyok · 27/03/2017 11:05

I think my initial reaction was hurt that it needed to be taken to the teacher as I know the parent and she always seemed nice. I will however say sorry when I see her and make sure I have a chat with my dd too.

OP posts:
Brollsdolls · 27/03/2017 11:15

I think you handled it fine and you don't need to apologise.
It has been sorted by the teacher and that should be the end of it.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2017 11:17

I'd also have apologised, it's simply s common courtesy and polite. She was standing right there.

I wouldn't have complained but I do see why for many families their seven year old coming home and giving them the finger might not be something they are particularly happy about.

bunnylove99 · 27/03/2017 11:17

OP. I totally understand why you didn't apologise. I would have felt put out by the complete overreaction of the other mum and the teacher. It would have been far better if the other mum had just mentioned it to you instead of making a massive meal of the whole thing and trotting up to the teacher. I hate tittle tattles. The main thing is you have a word with your daughter. It's hardly the crime of the century. Kids say and do far worse.

SteamPudding · 27/03/2017 11:18

I can see where you're coming from and can understand why you were annoyed. Some parents are like this, complaining about everything while thinking their children are perfect. I wouldn't like my child being 'corrupted' but I know children will learn these things in the playground and next time it could be my child doing the corrupting. Sometimes it's the teachers who say things to the children or allow them to watch videos etc that I wouldn't allow at home but it's just one of the downsides of being at school and we all have to rise above it. I wouldn't think to complain about it.

mycavitiesareempty · 27/03/2017 11:20

Good grief! Honestly, the parent went to the teacher about this ?? She has a big shock coming when her child joins secondary school. Kids will all know swear words by 7/8 unless they literally never go out of the house.

Piffpaffpoff · 27/03/2017 11:24

My DD is 8. She knew most of the swears, middle finger etc by age 6/7, having learned them from other children at school - some with older siblings, some not. I didn't complain to the school, I taught my child that these were inappropriated phrases/words that I didn't want to hear being repeated. I might have given a token 'sorry about that, I'll speak to her' but I would have been cheesed off at the other mum interrupting the private chat. I'd also have her forever tagged as a total PFB (and I say this as a former total PFB mum, to my eternal shame! We're talking two A4 sheets of instructions for an afternoon of babysitting, by my mum!! BlushBlushBlushBlush)

chocorabbit · 27/03/2017 11:26

Teachers are very interested to know about children misbehaving so they can act upon it. I am surprised at the people who are saying that their children were called rude names but only advised their children and never contacted to school to kindly share the information with the teacher.

remoaniac · 27/03/2017 11:27

I wouldn't apologise either. I would, however, expect my child to.

RatherBeRiding · 27/03/2017 11:28

I wouldn't have apologised either, but only because I would have been extremely pissed about the other mother ear-wigging on a private conversation between you and the teacher and then coming over to try to join in!

If she'd maintained a discrete distance in the playground I would have offered to apologise, but coming over to see if you'd been suitably told off would have got my back right up.

Skatingonthinice16 · 27/03/2017 11:35

My ASD son (7) has learnt the phrase 'I'll kick you in the nuts' complete with trying to hit me between the legs. I'm not thrilled about it. I've had many discussions on why it isn't appropriate with him. However I won't be bothering to complain to the school. It's what kids say and do isn't it?!

Piffpaffpoff · 27/03/2017 11:38

I have had a quiet word with the teacher about 7yo's saying things are 'gay' and calling people gay - she was grateful I had told her and had a word with the class. And I'd do that again. But I just can't get as worked up about swearing/gestures in the context the OP describes.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/03/2017 11:43

The other mother sounds a PITA - why on earth was she hovering around?

I did tell a primary school teacher when a group of year 5's were getting reception children to unknowingly say rude things - but I didn't hang around to see them told off / I assumed the school would deal with it.

Other mother is going to have fun when her kids go to secondary.

Iamthedogsmother · 27/03/2017 11:44

I wouldn't apologise, these things happen. It wouldn't enter my head to complain to the school if my dd heard bad language in school either.

Mutella · 27/03/2017 11:44

Massive over reaction from other parent imo. Kids are going to see this stuff at school, of course they are.

Mumzypopz · 27/03/2017 11:44

I wouldn't have apologised either, I would have been cross at the other Mum standing close, and then joining in. Totally inappropriate. I'd have been tempted to tell her it was a private conversation and that you wanted to get all the facts first. Plus, the other Mum needs to get over it a bit. These things happen unfortunately, it's part of children learning about what is acceptable and what is not.

metalmum15 · 27/03/2017 11:45

My daughter came home from school when she was around 6 merrily bandying the F word around. I took her to one side and explained it was a bad word only used by grown ups and she mustn't use it again. I didn't complain to the school as I really didn't see the point.

When eldest was in year 6 she had a teacher coming in once a week from a local secondary school who swore at the kids several times! Parents who complained were told their kids would hear a lot worse in year 7! (And they were right! But said teacher didn't actually come in again 😉)

Not quite sure why the other parents were hanging round though, seems a bit odd to me. They've done their bit so leave the rest up to the teacher.

Jazzywazzydodah · 27/03/2017 11:46

YANBU - you didn't do it!

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/03/2017 11:48

I would have asked DC to apologise.
You apologising would be strange and meaningless.
I apologise that someone else taught someone else something rude and that someone else did it in front of your child Confused

The 'teaching child good manners' bit won't come from them watching their parent take the rap for them. It comes from their parents saying 'oi! take responsibility and apologise'

harleysmammy · 27/03/2017 11:49

Yabu. Yes she might have seen her brother do it but she's 7..swearing at 7 is really bad. Yes things like that happen, but why isnt she being punished? Surely you see that swearing at her age is wrong and i would want an apology off the mother who taught my son things like that. My brother is 13 years older than me and when i was your daughters age, he couldnt go a sentence without using a foul word. Mind he was always grounded because my dad wouldn't stand for it, but if i came out with something i had heard him say, my dad would have grounded the both of us

Mumzypopz · 27/03/2017 11:49

Was just thinking that. You were not there, what could you have done. These things happen. Surely her daughter has seen /heard worse. They don't stay innocent forever. It's not like your daughter hurt her.

JakeBallardswife · 27/03/2017 11:51

Not sure what the answer is as I agree kids are kids, you'll talk to her, job done I'd think.

Not great when asked to see DD's head one day last term. She'd said f**k when she dropped something on her toe. No idea where she picked that language upBlush DD was then told that language wasn't appropriate at that time. So Dd asked when it was appropriate?!

Luckily the head was a fan of DD so she wasn't considered too rude. I really apologiesed though. Love DD's attention to detail!