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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say that Sweden is too cold and dark to live there?

168 replies

Almondmilk · 26/03/2017 18:53

My partner gets very upset when I say that I don't want to spend my life in Sweden because of cold and dark endless winters. And people aren't friendly. But mostly just wondering if this is absolutely not an argument to not like to wear beanies from september to may.
Aibu?

OP posts:

Bettyspants · 28/03/2017 09:10

Jumping I completely agree. I found Sweden to be an amazing place to live and raise children. Of course op will hate living there with that negative attitude, what's wrong is to judge a whole country and its people based on her own experiences. I was there was quite s while and travelled a fair bit , I would love to take our family there now to live unfortunately it's not possible.

banivani · 28/03/2017 09:26

OP:s original AIBU is just that is it U to not want to live in a country with this climate. That is not U. I spend November to April (and also a fair bit of June, which is always freezing) moaning about the climate and I've always lived here.

The feelings about Sweden being unfriendly and hostile may be U but feelings are not always reasonable and rational. I find it hard to say to someone that their feelings are wrong.

However, there is a Swedish expression that we often trot out in difficult situations: Det är inte hur man har det, men hur man tar det, i..e it's not what you have (your situation in life) but how you handle it. A bit CBT-ish, but nonetheless fairly valid. It often helps me to try to change my attitude to things. That said, I grew up in a particular area in town and spent some miserable childhood and teenage years there. We lived there for one year in my adult life and I hated it. Too many memories spoiled the place. Which is irrational - it had a lot of things going for it, and it's also one of the few places where we could afford to buy a place. But there you go. Feelings are not rational.

MarzipanPiggy · 28/03/2017 09:44

OP I feel for you and it sound like your OH doesn't really give enough thought to your happiness.

FWIW I'm a non-Brit married to a Swede living in Britain so quite similar to you. I don't think we could ever move to either of our countries. It would unbalance the relationship, as one of us would feel we'd sacrificed our career / friendships etc in order to live in the other's country. There would be resentment about the DC becoming fluent in one of the languages, being closer to one set of grandparents etc. Don't get me wrong if we had to we'd try and make it work but it's not something I would consider a positive move.

Regarding Sweden, I'm not sure I'd mind the weather that much. What I do find tricky is the general sense with most (not all!) Swedish people that Sweden is somehow superior to other countries. Whenever we visit and DH's family chat to me half the sentences start with "In Sweden...", followed by some example of how well things are run etc. Maybe this is not unique to Sweden but I do find it quite grating.

Re PP's comments about the The Hague convention, I completely agree. I know one British lady in my DH's home town who is divorced but cannot return to the UK as her Swedish husband wants the children to remain in Sweden. No comment on the rights or wrongs of it, just something to be mindful of.

corythatwas · 28/03/2017 09:57

"Potentialpoochowner corythatwas would you advise women to have kids in their homecountry? I am scared of this Hague convention and I have seen the damage..."

Well being Swedish, I happen to think that both parents are equally important, so I would not advise anyone, male or female, to have children with someone from another country unless they were confident that both parts would be prepared to put the children and their rights to both parents first in the event of a separation.

Also, I would say that living with, let alone having children with, someone from another culture means you have committed to trying to "get" that culture even if you decide not to live in the country. If I refused to "get" the British, what would become of dh, who is British? Would he have to try to pretend he wasn't? Or would he just have to resign to a lifetime of feeling he and his ideas were inadequate?

Original poster

Almondmilk · 29/03/2017 11:38

MarzipanPiggy that's interesting, where do you live in the UK if you don't mind me asking?
one of us would feel we'd sacrificed our career / friendships There is this sacrifice indeed, and one of us has family closer. I can't help it but being moody but having his mum around more than I have my mum. And also my mum is true ace when it comes to being around kids...
Career and friendship wise being in Sweden would be a sacrifice for both us...

OP posts:

Original poster

Almondmilk · 29/03/2017 11:41

To those you have stepped in and said 'booo don't say that, Sweden is beautiful'. Thanks for your great input.
Sweden is beautiful, this isn't the core of the dilemma!

OP posts:

Original poster

Almondmilk · 29/03/2017 11:43

banivani well said.
JumpingJellybeanz if that is so clear, why would I have a thread here?

OP posts:

remoaniac · 29/03/2017 12:38

Could you consider a different European country to settle in?

In your shoes (and wanting to get away from Brexit and assuming that you will have rights to stay wherever you move to) I'd consider Ireland, Germany - or Norway.

Original poster

Almondmilk · 29/03/2017 12:42

remoaniac We have considered Germany but we don't want a 4th language involved. We originally don't want to get away from brexit...it's cruelly complicated when reading the news though. London will 'remain' the capital of Europe to me! With the biggest arts scene.
I'd consider only south of France as my partner mentioned that he could move to a warmer place. Job wise it would be tricky though and we would start over regarding friendship, network, etc. Or maybe even not be able to develop that. But there would be sun, beach, space...

OP posts:

MarzipanPiggy · 29/03/2017 13:56

We are in London OP. Trying to get all our ducks in a row on the citizenship front to make sure we can stay as we are very happy here!

Denmark might be a potential compromise? Seems like a friendly country and language not to dissimilar to Swedish.

Good luck

heron98 · 29/03/2017 14:15

I am Scottish and used to live in Sweden - the winters are much worse in Sweden - longer and darker. Now I live in Yorkshire. It's pretty much as dark as Scotland in winter.

Original poster

Almondmilk · 29/03/2017 23:47

MarzipanPiggy oh that's great, it's nice to hear from mixed non-brit couples that they love living in London. Do you have kids? I hope it will go well with your citizenships applications!
Danemark is a pretty country and closer to Europe but I have heard from friends that they face similar problems in terms of sociability. Language is quite different to me though!

OP posts:

Original poster

Almondmilk · 29/03/2017 23:48

heron98 Today it's snowing in Stockholm...and I was wearing a jumper in London....

OP posts:

banivani · 30/03/2017 06:34

It's a but dismal isn't it? Have just made a deal with my sin that is he wears a warmer jumper underneath he doesn't have to go back to his winter jacket but can wear his lighter one anyway despite the cold...

I've been thinking though and I do think the language barrier will have coloured your perceptions of the place. Even if swedes are usually good at English they're not as fluent as they'd like to think and they won't usually be able to be quick and have the same sense of humour in the language. If people judged my personality on how well I express myself in French I'd be universally disliked I think.

KC225 · 30/03/2017 07:19

I am one of the earlier 'negative' posters. I am British, married to a Swede, we moved from London to rural Sweden two and a half years ago.

I very much agree that there are many positive things about Sweden. It is a truly breathtaking country, my local healthcare has been excellent. Since moving here my kids have been able to fish/ski and ice skate after school. The property prices and doable out of the big cities.

But I think you can judge how you feel on what you have experienced around you. The OP has lived in Sweden. If she had said 'Swedish people have been so welcoming and friendly' would that have been ok. I stand by my earlier statements that I have found the Swedish people up here to be generally cold and indifferent. And it's not just the language barrier. There is a self contained batten down the hatches attitude that seems impenetrable.

There is a (bad) comedy show here called Welcome to Sweden with an American man moving to here to be with his Swedish girlfriend. She tells him to say hej (hello) to the neighbours and then put your head down. He says he will knock and introduce himself, ger to know them and she says no that's not the Swedish way and suggests saying 'hej hej' if he wants to take it further. Never a truer word said in jest.

banivani · 30/03/2017 09:43

*bit dismal
*deal with my SON

MarzipanPiggy · 31/03/2017 09:12

Yes we have DC... they're also getting British passports hopefully. Luckily my DH is not in the least bit interested in moving to Sweden. Hope you find a solution that works for you OP

Kiroro · 31/03/2017 09:45

Swedes are not friendly? Where do you get this from?

Well, it does come top last year of the 'worst places to be an expat' list or something - something about scandis not wanting to bother to make friends if you won';t be there for EVER

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