to say that Sweden is too cold and dark to live there?

[Almondmilk]

My partner gets very upset when I say that I don't want to spend my life in Sweden because of cold and dark endless winters. And people aren't friendly. But mostly just wondering if this is absolutely not an argument to not like to wear beanies from september to may.
Aibu?

LoupGarou homeland is France.

Thanks everyone who contributes to this thread btw.

YANBU. You have lived there 2 years and that's plenty of time to know if it's somewhere you could imagine living on a longer term basis.

And YY some people just don't do as well in some weathers as they do in others. If the cold/dark winters really get to you then that is reason enough to not want to live there imo.

I adore Spain/Greece but know there is just no way I could cope with the summer heat. I'd be wilting, sweating and thoroughly miserable.

If you haven't tried living (as a couple) in your home country, is that something that might be viable job-wise for you both?

You DP says he feels the same way as you do re Sweden but it is his home country so he is bound to feel differently towards it than you do. If you are going to be miserable and resentful if you do agree to live there, then that's not the best basis for a relationship to move forward on.

What a dilemma.

"On the other hand is he going to feel something like the opposite if he feels he can never live in Sweden again.. why not my homeland...I find it unfair we haven't tried my homecountry. He is not so keen to try, he is tired of moving around which I understand.

I want to be with him and have children with him. I hardly can imagine the kids to have Swedish as a first language. I block on this idea. I can definitely imagine the kids being bilingual or trilingual. I don't believe a second that we will travel often to my homeland for the kids if we are in Sweden. He came 4 times to see my parents in 5 years...I usually travel alone"

I think there are valid points in here. Yes, in a cross-cultural relationship, you should expect to have to make concessions- but so should he. One-sided concessions are rarely a good idea.

Are you in a situation where he has to be the main breadwinner or could you compromise on that one and maybe take more of a responsibility for supporting the family if he gave a bit on the locality?

Also, how does he feel about France? Could he be happy there, or does he have the same feeling about not being able to connect to the locals?

I have never been to Sweden, but from what I have heard, it sounds rather nice, both landscape-wise and politically.

However, if you need sunshine to be happy, you'll probably be better off in France.

Has your partner tried living in France? Most people can better deal with more sunshine than with less ... or that's what I conclude from the many Germans who choose to move to Mallorca.

Ah, sorry, didn't see that you have, in fact, not tried living in France.

That's rather unfair, I'd want to try out all options before settling for one you can predict will make you unhappy.

I really don't think you should force yourself to like it, it just makes the resentment build over time until its death by a thousand paper cuts.

DH moved to be with me in Russia and hated it, struggled with the language, the culture, the people and he was welcomed into my circle of friends and got a job he loved, so by rights that should have made it easier. After a couple of years he just couldn't cope anymore, he was very depressed despite really trying to enjoy life there. It was just square peg, round hole.

I had been previously offered a job in the US and turned it down, but the company upped their offer so we took it. I have met lots and lots of people who've moved countries, if you've given it a fair shot, and it sounds like you have, it is very rare for it to get any better. It is soul destroying living somewhere you don't like, it eats away at you.

France, ahh so yes quite a difference weather wise. Is there a reason your OH isn't making the effort to visit your parents? Have you tried living in France as a couple? Seems only reasonable for him to give it a try for a couple of years if you've tried Sweden. Do you still have a French accent?
Just wondering as my dubious source of information on Swedish people (my xenophobic Finnish mentee) said the only way it would be worse for me in Sweden was if I was French, and that was quite a common joke amongst my Swedish colleagues... "Ahh you're Russian? At least you're not French."

I've never heard that the Swedes are particularly anti-French. Anti-Russian is easier to believe- there is history there (though not, I believe, as anti-Russian as the Finnish, who have more recent reason). I knew lots of Francophiles during my time in Sweden.

But what I would really want to know here, OP, is why your dh thinks he can get away without making an effort re visiting your country and trying to learn to get on there. Why is it all one-sided? Have you asked him straight out?

How about Southern Germany - nice weather and the Germans are a little more like the Northern Europeans but a little less serious - sorry for the sterotypes . Personally though I'd be heading to France!

Id love it but then that kind of weather is my dream.

I lived in Gothenburg for 7 years and would rather chew my own arm off than move back.

Almondmilk, if you are considering having a family, I would very strongly suggest that you educate yourself on The Hague Convention before you move to another country.

How are your Swedish skills? You've only lived there two years which is quite a short time for adjusting to life in another country. I moved to Finland from the UK (fairly South in the UK) 10 years ago and it took me about 6 years to adjust and its only really now, 10 years later, that I speak the language well enough to feel confident talking to people. If you can't converse with people then you are going to feel really isolated. An expat community is of course a nice thing to have but you have to be wary of limiting yourself to other expats and not integrating.

And honestly, you get used to the long dark winters, just as you get used to the overly bright summers (I'm quite a bit further North than Stockholm so my winters and summers are even more extreme)

All I can say is:

"There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing."

Sounds awful. Mind you, where I live now isn't exactly friendly. I was in the park with ds the other day and I was genuine shocked when another mum came over made eye contact and we shared a joke together. Made sense when I realised she was just visiting from Liverpool. People round here just don't behave naturally socially like that, sadly.

The Swedes I knew spoke excellent English - they had to because at University level quite a few of the textbooks were only in English and my fumbled attempts at speaking Swedish were always interrupted by the Swedish person insisting I spoke English. We found the French to be the complete oppposite - they could speak English - we'd hear them converse with the person in front of us but when we tried to speak French they allowed us to stumble through - they were remarkably patient.

user1487175389 - where do you live?

I remember your previous posts
You're clearly unhappy there, YANBU
I can't abide cold weather either and the thing about clothing is just shite, good clothing doesn't make a cold day less miserable
There's got to be a compromise
Don't force yourself you'll be miserable
Btw I also recall you said you weren't sure about having kids?
The idea of wearing a hat from Sep to May horrifies me and when I thinkback to being a child, colder winters pissed me off then too! I hated snow as well, total myth that kids love it. I have two friends whose kids were toddlers in the last horrible snowy winter we had in London. We stayed in under blankets while the parents played in the garden and made snowmen
There's a running joke that I'll be stealing their kids when they're adults and I retire to Florida!

Have you considered Quebec in Canada? Scandinavian winters and francophiles aplenty!

MooseBeTimeForSnow yy, or the Northwest Territories, I lived there for a while, fantastic place apart from the expensive alcohol

I live in Sweden and have found the last few winters much harder than the ones before. They've been so mild that we've had next to no snow. It comes for a couple of days then all melts away. Colder winters with lots of snow that stays on the ground for the duration are easier because then there's lots of reflected light. The last few have just been damp and grey. Reminds me of England ;)

Kind of placemarking now, might be back for a longer post later. I am Swedish but with an Irish parent, born in Sweden. Don't judge the entire nation on Stockholmers. I was in Stockholm today and wanted to throttle people after an hour. And winters here in the middle of the country are generally awful, they're neither properly mild nor are they beautifully white. If you hate the winters I think it might just get worse. I hate the winters but as soon as everything is beautifully white I forget my hatred like a sap. I'll be back hopefully but bedtime now...

Almond we have certainly had snow in April in the part of tge UK I live in!

Butting in here but sounds like juneau lived in Chicago. The climate in the USA varies wildly depending on where you are. Florida and LA are usually warm and sunny whereas further north is usually snowier/colder etc.

toffee1000 unless Juneau's username is literal in which case it would be Juneau, Alaska.