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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say that Sweden is too cold and dark to live there?

168 replies

Almondmilk · 26/03/2017 18:53

My partner gets very upset when I say that I don't want to spend my life in Sweden because of cold and dark endless winters. And people aren't friendly. But mostly just wondering if this is absolutely not an argument to not like to wear beanies from september to may.
Aibu?

OP posts:
toffee1000 · 26/03/2017 22:39

Yeah that occurred to me. Just that I'd heard Chicago is freezing in winter and boiling in summer.

lemontoast · 26/03/2017 22:48

Yes,Chicago is freezing in the winter + BOILING hot summers!

LoupGarou · 26/03/2017 23:06

I haven't been to Chicago yet, always wanted to though, and boiling hot sounds wonderful Smile

Original poster
Almondmilk · 26/03/2017 23:11

Heinousfauxpas corythatwas VestalVirgin My homeland is probably the most difficult option job wise. He doesn't want to try my homeland 'without being introduced to the cultural'. Ha...that's what he said to me. We both work, or alternatively one worked and not the other one. I would like to introduce my homeland as an option but we need much time to visit it first.

LoupGarou I don't think Swedes dislike French people. Some love the culture and travelling there. I think they don't care where one is from. I never get questions about myself, where I am from, etc...

lottachocca not a 4th language thanks ;)
The French will take time to listen because they enjoy the struggle ;)

Potentialpoochowner haha! Tell me more!! And I know the basics of the Hague.

Natsku I'm far from being fluent.

Goldfishjane I'm a famous weeping baby on MN ;) Oh dear...
I want kids now...Yeah I hear you, some people just don't stand cold..specially women!

MooseBeTimeForSnow no moe snow thanks :)

JumpingJellybeanz really...people keeps telling how mild the past two-three winters are...

banivani what kind of encounters have you made? I dislike winters. I find snow beautiful as most people do but once a year for a couple of days is enough to me!

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 26/03/2017 23:18

Thing is op you sound really sad every time you post so I just can't see how you can keep living there unless you actually want to accept being miserable.

corythatwas · 26/03/2017 23:26

"He doesn't want to try my homeland 'without being introduced to the cultural'." So why is being married to you not an introduction to the "cultural"? Do I sense that he is not making much of an effort here?

Original poster
Almondmilk · 26/03/2017 23:35

corythatwas I meant the culture, the lifetstyle, the surroundings that he would have living in France.

Goldfishjane I am really trying to understand whether I can overpass my personal feelings towards the habitants and the weather. This is because it sounds so good on paper: a good flat, fresh air, kid kingdom...I don't want to make a mistake. It's hard..

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 26/03/2017 23:41

You were lucky if you didn't get questions about yourself, I got them all the time wherever I went. Perhaps things are different in the North, where I was a lot of the Swedish didn't like Swedish people from the south of Sweden, and were extremely rude and nasty about them. I am beginning to wonder if I was just in a particularly xenophobic area of Sweden.

I was born in, and lived in the UK until I was 16, then I became Russian, now I've become American. I am resigned to always being unpopular somewhere.

Goldfishjane · 27/03/2017 00:03

Good on paper is a strange consideration when you already know you hate it there.

I had no idea kids were running the kingdom in Sweden Grin

Good flats and fresh air abound in other places too, surely much of France? Why won't your partner try living there? You are the one making all the sacrifices.

Original poster
Almondmilk · 27/03/2017 00:11

Goldfishjane problem is I don't know if I wanna live in France. I suspect that if I have kids I will want them to be more french than swedish...He will not do the sacrifice without being introduced to France, meaning we should probably visit there several times so he gets inspired.
Oh and yes, kids are in the centre of everything there...pro and cons again...

LoupGarou so you have tried a bunch of places and ended up not feeling at ease in Sweden, I'm not surprised. People don't ask me questions because they just don't care, there have been no conversations...it's crazy how people aren't curious or interested there..

OP posts:
Original poster
Almondmilk · 27/03/2017 00:13

If I could just have kids there, get the maternity leave cash and run away it would be ideal probably.GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
Almondmilk · 27/03/2017 00:14

Would have to stand the rude nurses though.

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 00:22

Yep Almond I hightailed it out of Sweden like I was on fire after those nine months were up! Rude nurses, that sounds familiar, was once told by one it was a good job I was on contraceptives as "nobody wants a half breed child" Shock, the two student nurses in the room nodded enthusiastically in agreement. I complained about it and got fobbed off.

I've actually been very settled and happy in every country I've lived in except Sweden and the deep south of the US.

KC225 · 27/03/2017 00:23

I moved from London to Sweden some 2 and half years ago. I live in mid Sweden. It's stunningly beautiful and we have a beautiful mortgage free home but I have never been so lonely in all my life. These people are so unfriendly. I have tried to volunteer at the schools, youth club, elderly home. Invites are ignored - kids parties are a nightmare.

Funnily enough, the cold is something that hasn't bothered me. It's not the darkness, it's a near 24 hour daylight that takes some getting used to it.

My mum is buying lottery tickets like mad to get me back to blighty. Don't do it.

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 00:23

Could you have kids there, get the maternity leave and go on a looooooooong maternity vacation? Could that work or do you have to remain in Sweden for a certain proportion of your maternity leave? Grin

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 00:25

KC225 Flowers

KC225 · 27/03/2017 00:37

Hahaha Loup that is a lot more care and thought than any of my Seeding neighbours have put in

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 00:44

KC225 Sad it is really demoralizing isn't it? It really knocked my confidence, I couldn't understand why I couldn't make friends when I'd never had any issues in any of the other countries I've lived in. I was only there for nine months thankfully, I really feel for you, and don't mean that to sound patronising. I completely agree about the daylight being worse than the dark, we now live in Alaska and its the same here. Not fun at all.

Original poster
Almondmilk · 27/03/2017 00:47

LoupGarou Omg! Did you not reply to those rude nurses? Or you were too shocked? I don't think I have heard such stories in Stockholm. When I mean rude it's by being very short and insensitive.
Haha to the long maternity vacation! It's a good idea! I mean seriously, taking the buggy in the snow isn't a dream.

KC225 sorry to hear that. Beauty is so attractive. I am unsure of my choice partly because of that. And partly for the same reason of having a very low mortgage rate! (well and the perspective of the maternity leave). It's all very materialistic for me besides the beauty of that place.
Oh dear you have tried your best to integrate. I sleep very poorly during summer and I have to black out windows every night. Do you want to leave without your husband? You said your mum plays the lottery for you...Mamas are the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almondmilk · 27/03/2017 00:52

My partner still thinks it can work for me in Sweden. He still thinks I can be an independent functioning person. It's so wrong, I will always need for translation help, I will always be the foreigner even if I sit for hours and hours to nail the language.

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 00:59

Yes Almond I did reply, I asked her to repeat it as I thought I had heard wrong, so she repeated it, and explained what she meant - which made it even worse. I told her it was a disgusting comment and I made an official complaint which the hospital told me they weren't going to do anything about, as why should they when it was me who had the problem with it. Hmm

Where I was people had kicksleds for babies and children rather than buggies - they looked like great fun and much more practical. Since DS was born I've just used a sling which has made life with snow blissfully simple.

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 01:02

I really do think your OH is being extremely unreasonable not wanting to give France a good go. Have you tried persuading him with the same reasons he's giving to you for living in Sweden?

Plus in France you don't have to go to a bloody Government run shop to get alcohol.

KC225 · 27/03/2017 01:35

Loup and Almond. Yes, I agree it is demoralising, and I have tried. I lived in a London block of flats that was like the United Nations, I have never encountered this 'coldness' before. I am struggling with the language and my husband says 'if you made more of an effort' but even he agreed that it would make little difference to our social life. As said previously, invitations are accepted/ignored but people don't turn up. There is no school gate culture, kids walk or bus from an early age. Play dates, parents beep from the car and don't come to the door. When I have gone to the door - all smiles and Hej, Jag KC225 they look deeply uncomfortable and seem embarrassed for me.

It's a tough one, I do love my Swedish husband and the kids are fluent now but it's by no means a paradise.

LoupGarou · 27/03/2017 01:55

Its really tough. I've thought about it a lot and I really don't think the language makes a huge difference, I think it can be a smokescreen which masks the real problems. I've known a lot of people who move to a country where they're fluent/native in the language and are still unhappy as they can't settle or make friends.

If you're in a place where you will be able to settle, in my experience if you reach out, make the effort and try to make friends then people make an effort to find some middle ground with language and culture whilst you settle in, will try to help you feel included and welcome.
We lived in the deep south of the US for a few hellish months in a town which was pretty much the real life version of Stepford, I hated it there. Nothing to do with the language, everything to do with the people.

At the university I was based at in Sweden the HR lady tried to pass over my complaints of colleagues unprofessional and sometimes downright nasty behaviour as being just banter, and "they're trying to bond with you, you just need to make more effort". Like hell they were. Some of their comments were shocking, and I'm certainly no prudish shrinking violet. Sweden seems to be one of those places which is really good at giving out a great image of being a wonderful place to live, but where unless you are actually Swedish the reality doesn't always match the PR spin.

Its really awful that people accept invitations and then don't turn up KC that is spectacularly shit and rude in the extreme Sad.

Therealslimshady1 · 27/03/2017 07:13

I think Sweden canbe a hard country to crack.

Lived there for a year (Lund) and learned to speak Swedish (easy to learn imo and it helps with integration) and I was invited by friends to stay in their little country hut, drink schnapps and felt I had cracked integration.

But it was still tough, and the grey winter got to.me, also gave me pneumonia....

I now live in the UK and love it here, people are more open and the weather suits me (south coast)

Some countries are just a bit harder to live