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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

354 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:28

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 25/03/2017 20:12

Op I'm sorry you're getting a bit of a rough time on here, but tbh it's hard to read this thread and not wonder why/how this situation could have dragged on for 16 years. I'm confused about the timescale with your DC - is your partner their father (sorry if I missed something there..).

I also don't understand why his wife made a 'settlement' of half the house, but that it wasn't part of a divorce. If she was 'glad to be rid of him' why hasn't she wanted to be divorced from him? It's like they've both been left in some kind of limbo.

But aside from all that, you need to decide if you want to be in this relationship or not - and you need some good legal advice. Your situation is complicated to say the least.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 20:12

I have a formal diagnosis!! I have anxiety and depression, how many times do I have to explain this? My kids HAVE been diagnosed with anxiety!

I'm not "the other woman" they are not in a relationship.

And yes I'm bloody defensive, I've been attacked and judged by people who have'nt lived my life.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/03/2017 20:16

'I have a formal diagnosis!! I have anxiety and depression, how many times do I have to explain this? My kids HAVE been diagnosed with anxiety!'

Then apply for DLA for all of you! That's a lot of extra money that can go a long way to helping you all and providing a nest egg that you desperately need in case this abusive person decides to end the relationship!

You can get as defensive as you like, feel 'attacked' and 'judged' but it doesn't change the fact that you are in an abusive relationship with a married man and have zero financial security at all.

Either you can accept that and start getting proactive or continue seething that you feel 'attacked' by people on the internet when you made the facts plain.

You should be directing your ire at your 'partner' and using it to try to improve your situation because right now it's doing nothing for you.

mycavitiesareempty · 25/03/2017 20:21

Well this is eerily similar in many respects to a relationship I had in the early 2000s. Except we didn't have children together. Right down to the japanese wife lady if you are based outside the UK, his first name begins with A and he has quite a niche career, I can assure you he is still fucking the japanese "ex" I joke, but honestly why would he not want to protect his DC? :(

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 20:22

Sunshine, I intend to see someone at CAB asap and take it from there.

I have hoped and hoped that things will change for the better between us. I'm also terrified at the prospect of starting all over again at my age and also the heart ache that my dcs would suffer if we seperate.

My do is the father of my 2 youngest children. I have 5 kids in total. His wife gave him his deposit back on the house they bought together, I thought it was half of its worth but he's told me it wasn't.

I can't speak for his wife on why she hasn't divorced him.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 25/03/2017 20:23

Sorry op but i've just had a look at some of your threads Sad.

I'm not surprised you and your DC have anxiety - who wouldn't whilst living with an abusive, controlling bastard? You need to get yourself and your DC away from him and you may well find your mental health issues start to miraculously improve Flowers

BadTasteFlump · 25/03/2017 20:26

I can't speak for his wife on why she hasn't divorced him

My guess is once an abuser, always an abuser. Maybe she was scared of the likely fallout and just couldn't face having to deal with him?

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 20:29

Do you think it's straightforward to apply for DLA? My son applied recently and was refused, this is a young man who has psychotic episodes, who has cut his arms down to the bone, has bitten the tops of his fingers off, slashed his abdomen to shreds, has asked my permission to kill himself and has fybromyalgia on top of it all.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 25/03/2017 20:30

I can see why OP is frustrated because some people (not all) are not reading what's she's actually said, and posting things like 'If you can't work because of your anxiety..' when it's clear she does work. And all the 'you're the other woman' stuff just dramatises things without helping.

OP, I'd go and see your own solicitor about your own claim on the house. If you've been paying towards bills and the mortgage all this time, they might be able to help you. Also if your partner is showing any sign of movement on a will and the house I'd keep pushing that. You can point out to him that you have no incentive to continue to pay bills and so on towards a house you have no rights over and could be kicked out of any time. Why shouldn't you just let the place be repossessed in that case, and then it's his (and his wife's) problem? Put like that, he might see reason to cooperate if you're actually propping up the household finances while he's in money trouble (ironic that you're the one with the bad credit rating not allowed on the mortgage, in that case)

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/03/2017 20:35

Ok, that's a positive step. I think CAB are generally pretty good on the benefits side of things so hopefully they can provide further guidance on the DLA and whether you would qualify.

expatinscotland · 25/03/2017 20:36

'Do you think it's straightforward to apply for DLA? '

Erm, no, I have PTSD and my son has autism, but you can appeal and it will give you a lot of protection in the event of a split, which he can instigate at any time, and you have to report to the Job Centre.

There's really no engaging with a person who is in an abusive relationship and clings to it, despite the cost of it mentally on both herself and her children, and points the finger of blame everywhere else but where it belongs.

So I wish you luck. You've been waiting for him to improve and change for 16 years. He hasn't. There's your answer. If you chose to knock yourself out looking for other ones, best of luck to you.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 20:42

Elisavita, between us we work 54 hours not 24!

Yeah I thought you probably did 50+ because you said you do 14 and it sounded like he worked full time. Still not enough for Universal Credit though is the point, you'd be expected to be looking for 70 between you once your kids are the age they are- 2 x 35 hours. It isn't like now, where 24 is the magic number.

Glad you're going to CAB though. Is your son appealing the DLA refusal?

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 20:55

He was too late to appeal so that's it now, no chance for him.

I really don't know anything about UC at all but am going to look into it.

My dp has said that he's going to do everything he needs to to sort this out.

OP posts:
IonaNE · 25/03/2017 21:05

OP, I am sorry to say this but you have been having an affair and two children with a married man (regardless of him not having any contact with his wife, he is still married), and you are having the problems any mistress can expect. It is good news that you are going to the CAB and trying to sort it because he could die at any time and then you and your children would be out in the street, with anxiety and part-time hours and all. I find it unusual that yourself and 3 of your children have anxiety/mental health issues. How old/where are the 2 other children you have not talked about?

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 21:16

Have you taken advice on an out of time appeal? I haven't worked in this area for ages, but the tribunal would sometimes agree to hear them if you could show good reason why you hadn't been able to submit an appeal in time. Health reasons obviously being a common one with DLA.

I feel you both have a lot to work on this next week, wrt legal and money stuff. Do make sure he gets on it, doesn't just say he will.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 21:26

Iona - rubbish! Mistress? Affair?

Why do you find it unusual that myself and 3 of my children have anxiety? Actually all five of my kids have been touched in some way with mental health issues, it's runs in my mum's side of the family. My 32 yo dd has bpd, my 30yo ds has bpd, narcissistic traits and almost definitely had adhd as a child, my 25 yo dd has ocd and anxiety, my grandson has adhd and autism.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 25/03/2017 21:44

I think for your children seeing their Mum unhappy cannot be helping with their mental health can it?
Everything that people suggest you shoot down. What do you want to do?

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 21:46

I presume she was talking about the legal position- obviously hard to read, and mistress is a loaded term, but you might as well be if he dies intestate and married.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 21:49

Not true mrskeats! I don't keep shooting down suggestions. I've already said I'm going to CAB to discuss my options.

I don't like being called a mistress or the other woman!

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 25/03/2017 21:51

I didn't use that term
People think it was daft to have kids with a married man
They are entitled to that opinion
Definitely get to the CAB

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 21:58

It was directed at the op who wrote that I was having an affair with a married man.

When we got together he told me he was going to get a divorce, I had no reason to doubt him. What's done is done, I can't turn back time so all these comments on my stupidity are pointless, all they serve to do is make me feel more shitty than I do.

OP posts:
CocoaLeaves · 25/03/2017 22:00

If you are in Scotland, then it is assets at the date of separation that need to be considered, not now. So the value of the house 16 years ago, not now etc. You would normally have some rights co-habiting for 16 years, at least that used to be the case, because you could be married by habit and repute, but how that works if your partner is already married, I have no idea.

CocoaLeaves · 25/03/2017 22:04

www.gov.scot/Publications/2006/04/27135238/1

This page has information on your rights living together in Scotland

facedontfit · 25/03/2017 22:36

You have it tough OP, but you are taking steps to sort it out. Flowers for you. 👍🏻

user1487941567 · 25/03/2017 23:11

YABU