To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

[Kaylasmum49]

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

Oh, and on the subject of wills, although he needs to make one on Monday, it isn't enough.

As you're not married, he has every right to change the will to disinherit you, without you even knowing. I am not saying he would do this, in fact I assume most unmarried cohabitants wouldn't and that's why you should insist on him having one. But on it's own, it isn't sufficient. The promise of a house after he dies, that he can withdraw any time, plus 14 hours work a week, is not enough security for you and your children.

So the will is a bare minimum, not an end in itself. If he isn't willing to allow you a share in the property, even after he divorces, you cannot carry on doing a disproportionate share of the childcare to allow him to buy a house you don't own. Divorcing just means DW won't get it. Doesn't mean you will either.

Can I ask where your eldest's dad is, whether he takes an equal share in supporting him in his MH problems, and if not why not? It shouldn't all fall to you.

'The promise of a house after he dies, that he can withdraw any time, plus 14 hours work a week, is not enough security for you and your children.'

The other issue is how you will pay the mortgage on that salary, because you won't get local housing allowance for an owned property except in extenuating circumstances (there's long gap, too, before you can be covered and it's not for very long). You won't get any widowed parent benefits, either (and even those are now limited to 18 months). And again, UC is coming!

OP, I'm not knowledgeable enough to give you any practical advice re all the legalities - other posters have done so. But I do want to give you my support regarding being there for your dc. As a mother of a child with anxiety/depression issues I understand completely why you want to be there for them after school, and as you said, you are seeking help for them, but I know there are no quick fixes and they need your help as well as counselling sessions. And even with counselling etc., I think that often the only thing that can help is changing the situation that causes the anxiety (possibly your family set-up). FWIW I think you'd be better off separating and getting whatever support is due from your dp. Good luck.

If he divorces his wife the positoin might be worse actually as the house may have to be sold to pay her her half. if he lets sleeping dogs lie (too late now he's contacted her) then she might allow her share of the hosue to remain as it is as the price she pays for being allowed as a spouse to remain in the Uk.

ET, she is not remaining as a spouse in the UK at the moment. She's just not.

To get further leave as a spouse, you need to prove the relationship is still ongoing, which would almost always involve continuing to live together unless there are particular circumstances such as one party moving temporarily to study, work away, care for a relative etc (and even then they'd look at it with a very fine toothed comb).

To prove you're still cohabiting, you have to give in things like council tax bills with both names on it, every time you apply for further leave. Which is every couple of years. He would literally still have to be on all bills from 16 years ago, still be registered with HMRC at that address etc. He'd also have to have never made a joint tax credit claim with OP or they'd realise, which given they're low income sounds unlikely.

His wife may well have naturalised years ago. It used to be quite easy to do as a non-EU spouse, it certainly was when I did over 10 years it as compared to now.

You could do it after just 3 years, too, so he may not have that hold over her.

Yep, up to 2012 you only had to do 2 years on a spousal visa before applying for ILR, and the financial requirements were less onerous too. I have a feeling back in the midsts of time that spouses might have qualified for ILR even earlier, and not had to do the Life in the UK test, but my memory doesn't go back to the time when DP and his estranged wife were together.

Either way, would be extraordinary for her to have never managed to acquire at least Indefinite Leave to Remain by now. And if she hadn't, the only way for her to continue to get leave as a spouse would be if she were also submitting a form with his signature (forged or otherwise) recent passport photos and letters from official sources to them at the same address. Every couple of years.

Ask yourselves what the likelihood of that is, compared to the likelihood of her bullshitting and him not bothering to research it, or him using that as an excuse to fob OP off.

Never knew people could live like this. Living with a married man. But the OP only has one option in all this. Pray that the wife dies before DP. But does DP has children with the Japanese wife?
Has the OP even met the 'wife'?

I have a feeling back in the midsts of time that spouses might have qualified for ILR even earlier, and not had to do the Life in the UK test, but my memory doesn't go back to the time when DP and his estranged wife were together.

It used to be you got FLR(M) (I did this back in 2002 and you'll laugh at how easy it was compared to now. I showed up on a tourist visa, DH and I got married and then I changed to FLR(M) with little bother soon after the wedding, without having to leave the UK, and it was free), then after a year you got ILR (by this time there was a charge of about £150 and no Life in the UK test or anything else besides submitting a few documents), then 11 months after that you applied to naturalise. Again, no tests or dramas. So yeah, in 3 years you were naturalised.

What do your children make of the fact their father is married to someone else? Is this a factor in their anxiety?

Sorry for your position OP. Just a thought (and yes, I know nothing!) - are you sure that he couldn't be divorced already but not saying so? I know you said that he is a procrastinator but could he or his wife possibly have divorced the other one at some time in the past? It just seems to be slightly odd (but not unheard of) that neither of them have done anything about their long separation. She could have taken steps over the years to acquire the necessary right to remain.

OP after someone mentioned previous posts and your DP being abusive I had a look. I was hoping with some other posters he wasn't knowledgeable & perhaps naive of how unfair this all is. I'm now even more concerned, your latest posts make it sound like he has chosen these decisions knowingly making this financial abuse. On top of the physical, emotional & verbal abuse that's already occurred.

You and your children don't deserve to live like this and it sounds like he does not support you or the children in anxiety. Please look at the help and suggestions stated here and protect you and your children. As others have said even writing a will & promising a divorce aren't enough

OP, I don't think you should beat yourself up over what you have or haven't done over the last 16 years, it won't change it. The main thing is now that you get some proper advice on what you need to do for the security of yourself and your children.

I know you have said you can't leave your children after school because of anxiety issues so this should be one of the things you need as your top priority to work on (easy for me to say, I have no idea what is involved in that) but if you are able to leave them in time you will be more able to work.

I'm not sure what part of Scotland you are in but all our council run out of school clubs close at 6pm and they are often expanding these to be able to take on more kids so it may be worth asking your school about other options or getting on a waiting list if you need to for when you are in a position to be able to leave them.

Good luck with sorting this out, it can't be easy to realise just the position you are in.

Yeah I had a feeling you got ILR after 1 year as a spouse way back when expat.

For those who don't know, once you have Indefinite Leave to Remain, you can stay in the UK forever with no conditions. You don't lose it because your marriage broke down, and you don't need your estranged spouse's help to get citizenship. Bearing in mind how incredibly easy it used to be to get ILR when married to a British citizen, it's extremely unlikely that she didn't.

Having looked at some older posts yes, your DP is a dick. But you've known since January that you've no rights over the house, and nothing has changed. Don't continue sleepwalking further into a bad situation.

I've already stated that my dp has no children with his wife and yes I have met her.

I receive tax credits atm, I don't know anything about UC.

I wish I hadn't started this thread now, so many judgemental people all in the one place!

I asked this up thread OP, in a completely non goady way, what do you think you can realistically do to change things?

Sorry you wish you hadn't started the thread, Kaylasmum. We all make mistakes and it's easy to point the finger.

Let's look at the bigger picture for the moment. Anxiety that prevents you working is not ideal. Anxiety that requires your not-tiny children to be always near you is not ideal. Quite aside from the impact on your earning potential, this is your life and you aren't living it while you are having everything dictated by these illnesses.

Illnesses are curable. There are things that can be done. I get the feeling you don't quite realise that there are options, that change is possible.

I also think that is likely to be to do with living with someone for a long period who is not great for your self esteem.

Look, in the nicest possible way, lots of people earn a living while all kinds of shit goes on in their lives. Adult children with problems and significant bereavements are reasons to ask for temporary flexibility from your boss, not reasons to give up and say you can't work, or that these issues have "taken up" a decade and a half. Seriously. you are worth more than this. I am not saying these things aren't difficult and painful. I just think you need to value yourself more, place yourself more at the centre of your own life. If you have issues, get help with them, work through them, phone in sick and lie through your teeth the morning you can't stop crying and say you had a dodgy prawn, but KEEP GOING and look after no. 1.

You have three no. 1s - you, and your 2 dcs. They are your number 1 and you have to put yourself in equal top place, because they rely on you.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

There are women on here who pulled themselves out of shit by their bootstraps in a women's refuge. There are women who started with nothing, and women who lost everything and started again.

I have heard "you can't put a price on your self respect" and I loved my house and the idea of a family so much I thought I could throw my self respect away. But over time the loss of my self respect was making me ill. I am safe here in my house with my 2 dcs and suddenly things that never seemed possible before, are. you can do that too.

Who do you have to talk to in real life? Do you have a church or anything like that that you feel any affinity for? Or, as others have suggested, phone womens aid

I haven't read your other threads, but I feel like the wife and the house are almost side issues. The issue is why aren't you reaching your potential? If you were, you wouldn't give a shit about this waste of skin you live with. But its a vicious circle, you need to get away from him to come into your strength

A lot of it is realistic, not judgemental. You have things in your power you can do to improve your situation without relying on him, because he cannot be relied upon and is abusive (which may also be a major cause of your children's anxiety): 1) work more to improve your own finances 2) get to a doctor for formal diagnoses for your bad back and anxiety and your childrens' anxiety so you can get DLA so that if he ends this, you'll have something to tell the Job Centre now or in 2 years when UC comes out and you will be expected to work FT 3) get onto the incompetent partner/EA partner threads so you can take steps to leave this abusive relationship because he'll never change and you really don't want to marry this person just so you don't have to work more.

I can see that some of it would have been hard to read. I'm still glad you posted though, because if nothing else you've learned that there's not a chance in hell he can't divorce his wife because she'd get kicked out of the UK. One or both of them is either bullshitting or wrong on that one.

You are also going to have to think about what you'll do when Universal Credit comes in, whether you're still with DP or not. It isn't like now where 24 hours between you is enough, you're both expected to be trying to get more hours once your kids are older. No respect for a desire to be home for them unless they're acknowledged as disabled. I'm not saying this is right, but it's happening, and at least you now have that information.

I work, I force myself to work regardless of the anxiety. Just because my kids are'nt tiny doesn't make it any easier where their anxiety is concerned.

I don't need a formal diagnosis, I've had anxiety and depression for many years now, have had cbt and have been taking anti depressants for the last 12 years. I'm currently waiting on more cbt. My dcs are in the system for their anxiety.

Some of you are talking to me as if I'm an imbecile! You don't know me. So many assumptions about what I don't know. I'm an intelligent 50 year old woman who has raised a family for the past 32 years, part of that while caring for my father who had multiple sclerosis, cared for my two nieces for a year after their mother walked away from them, looked after my grandson for more than a year when my dd was unable to, supported my ds through some harrowing times.Unfortunately my family has been blighted with poor mental health. I've kept working through all of this and tried to keep my family going. How dare you all judge me the way you are, I assume your all perfect, full time working mums?

Elisavita, between us we work 54 hours not 24!

So basically you have been 'the other woman' for 16 years?
If he died tomorrow you and yours would be out of the house and wife would be back in.
Why have you stayed with a man for 16 years when he dosnt put you and your dc security first? Madnesses

'I don't need a formal diagnosis, I've had anxiety and depression for many years now, have had cbt and have been taking anti depressants for the last 12 years. I'm currently waiting on more cbt. My dcs are in the system for their anxiety.'

You do to protect yourself and your kids in the event of a split from this person because you do not work enough and the Job Centre will not be interested in your taking AD's and having CBT or your kids' being 'in the system'. Sorry, but that's the truth.

The fact is that you are in an abusive relationship with a married man and have two minor children.

The fact is that you can be streeted out of the house you live in at any moment and you need to realise, too, this man, being abusive, is going to be reluctant to hand over maintenance for his kids. He'll find a way to eek out of it.

The fact is that given your situation, there are a few things you can do, separate of him, to improve your situation for you and your kids, but when they are pointed out to you, you get defensive, say you are being judged, we don't know you.

Well, neither does anyone at the Job Centre and if this guy ends the relationship, that is whom you will be dealing with.

If you don't want to hear that, it's unfortunate, but it doesn't change a thing.

OP, in light of what you have said, what changes do you think you could realistically make that would change things for the better for you?

I have read some of your other threads, it's clear you don't want to be in this relationship. It's feels a bit as though you are hoping that something will happen that will resolve this for you but I think you know deep down that this is not likely. I'm not trying to patronise you and I don't think you're an idiot at all. There have been quite a few suggestions here and you know your situation best so are any of them actions that you can realistically take?