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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my dp is still married after 16 years together?

354 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 03:28

I've been with my dp for 16 years now, we have two dcs. He is still married! I've brought it up numerous times over the years and there always been some excuse as to why he can't divorce her, lack of money being the main reason. Tonight I brought it up again, his wife is Japanese, he told me that she might get put out of the country if he divorces her. Aibu to not give a flying f**k about her and to be really upset by his response? Our house is in his name and if anything happens to my dp I'm worried that she would have rights to our home and that myself and my dcs would be homeless.

OP posts:
ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 12:08

I keep forgetting to put quote marks round things. My first paragraph there was taken from AntiGrinch!

But basically, what I want to know is, does DP understand that OP is effectively doing more than her half of childcare to allow him to buy a house to give to his estranged wife? Because that is what is going to happen if nothing changes.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 12:08

I would love to work more. Jobs aren't that easy to find.

Also because of my adult son's mental health issues I sometimes have to go to him with short notice, how many employers would facilitate that?

I will not leave my dcs on their own for long periods of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 12:14

I've already stated that I have no family to provide childcare and sadly no friends either.

My dp does understand that his wife will get the house. He has huge money concerns atm and is only scraping by month to month.

He has gone to see his wife about an hour ago and she says she'll see a solicitor. I've told him about a will and he's going to look into it.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 25/03/2017 12:17

Op, my kids need me, my elderly mother needs me, various other family members might need me at some point. I work 4 dpw, not ideal, but it works. Dp steps up and does slightly later hours so that he can take the kids to school. Yes it's stressful but it's how it needs to be.
You need to make major changes now or you'll be properly screwed in the future.
You CAN fix this but you need to be prepared to work more hours. It's the only way. Sorry to be blunt.

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/03/2017 12:20

I really don't mean this to sound goady at all op but, what are your thoughts about how you can improve your position?

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 25/03/2017 12:23

I understand it all looks complicated and scary OP. Unfortunately you can look at possible but less than ideal and uncomfortable changes for you and the kids in the short term that would give you long term financial independence and security, or you can continue as you are which is more comfortable short term, but potentially could end in disaster if your partner ends the relationship or anything happens to him. I'm sorry it sucks and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

It looks to me as if your partner may have done everything he can to protect what he sees as his money. He's avoided divorce so holding onto the assets there his ex could claim, and he's kept you off the mortgage and avoided any legal documentation that would give you a claim. If this is the case then you may need to think about how difficult he may be if you split. At the very least you're working with someone who has been incredibly lazy, irresponsible and blase about his own children and partner, and it's telling too how clearly you don't see him as any form of help with child care or playing any part of that in the event of a split.

You are not fucked. But you potentially could be, and are in a vulnerable situation. It's going to come down to what you're prepared to change in your situation, and I get that none of those changes are easy or straightforward.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 12:25

He has gone to see his wife about an hour ago and she says she'll see a solicitor. I've told him about a will and he's going to look into it.

Right. Well that's an excellent start then. I'm relieved to hear it.

In the nicest possible way, he sounds like someone who perhaps needs a bit of a kick up the arse about these things, so I'd be making very sure he follows through on it. There's no reason he couldn't make a will this week. That has to be first priority, I think.

Does he have any life insurance or pensions? He should also double check that you and/or kids are the beneficiaries. Again that's something that would be easy to do. If you're not currently, he should be able to amend it free of charge. Many insurance companies have call centres that are open on Saturdays, so if he has a policy and isn't sure, he could ring today.

In terms of divorce, his wife also doesn't need to see a solicitor for him to be doing something about it. Either person can petition for divorce, with or without the other's consent, if they have been separated for five years. If he is going to see a solicitor about a will, they are likely to tell him this too.

DoingThisRight · 25/03/2017 12:27

You're in this position as you've allowed this to happen. So 16 years later he's definitely not going to suddenly see the light. The time to sort this out was at least even a decade ago. Best thing to do is start making other plans for yourself and your kids, don't continue your naivety and think he will step up.

Frazzled2207 · 25/03/2017 12:28

Ok good that he's taking action.
There's no "looking into it" for wills. YOU find a solicitor and book and appointment and you go together. If you can get that sorted it would be a massive step forward.
I found the whole wills thing scary but the solicitor was lovely and it was all very straightforward. A great feeling when done.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 12:35

To be fair, I think it's a realistic possibility that DP didn't previously know about the legal situation wrt housing, non-existence of common law partnership and the intestacy rules. Lots of people don't. OP didn't. Sometimes people who have previously been very lax and irresponsible do see the light and sort their shit out, once they realise.

But yeah, I wouldn't be leaving it to him to get round to doing...

Jaynebxl · 25/03/2017 12:38

It's great that your dp is doing something today. However if his wife is seeing a solicitor I think it is vital you do too.

NeonGod73 · 25/03/2017 12:42

WTF? You are living with a married man! Are you mad? And you have 2 kids with him? Jeeeeeesus!

DoingThisRight · 25/03/2017 12:51

WTF? You are living with a married man! Are you mad? And you have 2 kids with him? Jeeeeeesus!

Exactly , hardly have the right to be pissed of now about it when you've merrily lived with it for 16yearsHmm

Mrskeats · 25/03/2017 13:04

Looking at your other threads he's abusive anyway so what's the point of worrying about marriage etc?
Just think about how you can ditch him and be independent

Wellitwouldbenice · 25/03/2017 13:06

Given his track record, have you given him a deadline to have started the divorce process? Please don't be fobbed off (again) by 'going to see' and 'looking into'.

Mrskeats · 25/03/2017 13:06

A friend of mine had a child with someone she wasn't married to and never got on the mortgage
They split and he's remarried
He is now selling the house and she is effectively homeless as she can't prove she contributed
People do this stuff a lot

Anon1234567890 · 25/03/2017 13:08

Wont the wife get half of all the assets when he gets divorced. Does that mean you will have to sell your house?

Mrskeats · 25/03/2017 13:09

That's a good point anon

paxillin · 25/03/2017 13:12

You and your children have no security whatsoever. Time to become serious about this. Tell him you will no longer live as his mistress. Move out of his house. There's nothing "ours" about it. He can turf you out and move the wife in and if he dies, she can turf you out and move in herself. Move out and get him to pay maintenance, make clear you will move back when you can be his partner or wife, no longer the mistress.

1horatio · 25/03/2017 13:14

OP, I think you need to seek some legal advice (is it advise in English? I never know... English spelling is awful, Uhm, yeah. sorry, back to the OP).

I mean, if you know where you stand etc you at least have all the info needed to make a decision.

but yes, it seems like you're in a really precarious decision. So, please find out where exactly you stand and take the necessary steps to improve you and your children's situation....

Good luck

1horatio · 25/03/2017 13:16

I mean my English spelling is awful. Sorry, not English in general...

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 13:25

Neon and doingthis right, he was seperated and I've been pissed off for a long time! In the beginning he was all for divorcing his wife but never acted on it. I've brought it up various times over the years and I kept getting fobbed off, as I have already stated, didn't realise the financial implications to myself and my dcs.

The past 15 years have been taken up with my son's mental health issues and self harm along with the death of my father and my youngest dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 25/03/2017 13:45

Paxillin, I don't think there's any chance that he would move his wife in. No way would she be that crazy!

OP posts:
ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 14:37

Think about how pissed off you are, at both him and yourself, for letting your family sleepwalk into a position where you're basically helping him give his estranged wife a house after he dies. Then use that energy to tackle the situation, to improve it.

Which, if he won't marry and/or give you part of the house, is going to involve working more. Or at least earning more. No getting round it.

expatinscotland · 25/03/2017 14:38

Look, if you and your kids are so ill with anxiety then you need to protect all of you by getting formal diagnoses and DLA. Because if you split, (and your p is abusive and despite seeing his wife, etc. it's been 16 years and he's done nothing so the great likelihood is that will continue), you'll need to up your hours and again, you may be in a council that is using UC or about to (and everyone is going to be on it in a couple of years). They won't be interested in your wanting to be there for older children after school, only if you have to be because you and they are disabled.

So you need to work more hours now so you can build up a nest egg and get to the doctor so you can get all this anxiety and back problems diagnosed and try getting DLA for it (admittedly, this is far more difficult now, but can be done) because if you split you will find yourself working so little if not now then in a couple of years when UC is rolled out all over.

These are things you can do to protect your kids because your partner has done nothing to further this end.