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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by my dh comment about my weight

324 replies

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 09:48

Getting ready this morning I commented to dh that he was still as slim as he was when we meet 18 years ago. He laughed and said, "well you've put on enough for both of us". While it might be true (probably about 3 stone since we met) I have carried two babies who are still young (3 and 18 months). I'm fully aware that I've put on a lot of weight and so while his comment is true it's still hurtful. When I told him I was upset by what he had said his response was, "well you have" (put on weight enough for two). Am I being too sensitive or is this a shitty thing to say even if it is true?

OP posts:

IamFriedSpam · 22/03/2017 10:21

Yes that's very insensitive, I don't think this is "he can't win situation at all". You didn't ask him whether or not he thought you'd put on weight, he could have just said "thanks" (or "maybe that's because I didn't have to carry two pregnancies within 2 years of each other").

EnormousTiger · 22/03/2017 10:21

Some men are very straight forward and indeed quite a few will seek sex on the side if their wives get fat. It might be a good idea to lose the 3 stone actually!

Pinkheart5915 · 22/03/2017 10:22

If DH thought I was fat I'd rather he said it tbh than stand there and lie with "oh you haven't gained weight since we met either" because if I had gained weight since we met I'd know he was lying anyway.

Just in the same way that if dh was fat and gave up working out etc I probably would mention it as I like being attracted to him and while I'd always live Him I am not sure 100% that if he was fat I'd have the same sexual attraction to him I've got now

lazyleo · 22/03/2017 10:23

Three stone in eighteen years.
And two children in between.
I'm the same OP and I don't think its really all that bad.
Fine, he has managed not to gain weight, or certainly to keep his same shape physique. Not everyone can or does.

It was a shitty thing to say, if someone gives you a compliment you do not reply with a hurtful comment about them. Even if he didn't think it would hurt for whatever reason it was at best downright rude which still is rather unpleasant.
I'd be spitting chips if hubby had said that to me out of the blue. We too have been together 20 years and have two kids and I am also about 3 stone overweight. Weight is a regular topic of conversation in this house so a comment about weight wouldn't be a surprise, but never in a million years would my husband say that to me. If he is concerned by your weight there a whole lot of other ways that could have been brought into the conversation.

As an aside, I'd be thinking about myself and my views, to hell with his. Just prior to that comment were you happy with yourself and your weight etc or not? That for me would then decide the path I took next.

witsender · 22/03/2017 10:23

Arse.

Original poster

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 10:24

It's not about him finding you attractive though, for me, it's about how you feel about yourself bluntness I absolutely agree with this. Getting my body back to a comfortable and fit state is definitely my motivation as well as obviously wanting my husband to fancy me.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 22/03/2017 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KitKats28 · 22/03/2017 10:25

The problem is, you framing a comment on his weight as a "compliment". Why do you need to give him praise for still being the same weight? A person's weight should really not be a source of praise or criticism. It is a very individual and personal thing.

My self worth was tied up in my weight for so long. People would comment all the time on how I looked good as I was so slim. I hated it. No one ever said I had nice hair or a great shirt. Now I'm fat, thankfully no one actually tells me I look awful, but the implication is still there.

Find something else to compliment him on, like his eyes or his sense of humour. Then maybe he can reply in kind with something sincere.

kaitlinktm · 22/03/2017 10:25

My ex used to say stuff like this and then expect sex the same night. I just couldn't separate the two and still felt hurt - then of course I was not only fat but frigid too.

There are lots of ways he could have said it - "Thanks love. I know you have put weight on but there are reasons for that, and I still love you just as much".

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2017 10:25

Some men are very straight forward and indeed quite a few will seek sex on the side if their wives get fat. It might be a good idea to lose the 3 stone actually!

Are you suggesting the OP goes on a diet to prevent her husband from fucking someone else?

What next? Stop refusing to take it up the arse in case he finds someone who will?

You can't live your life like that. It's ridiculous.

If the OP wants to lose weight then she should do so, but not to 'keep her husband from straying'.

Far too 1950s.

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 10:28

WorraLiberty I thought the same - did a name search as I thought they were a UKP troll - nope, just a straight forward asshole.

pointstaken · 22/03/2017 10:29

It's impossible to say if it's shitty without knowing you and being there.
If he is generally malicious, then it's clearly wrong. If he is a lovely man who made a bad joke, then it's not a big deal. I can't imagine being in a relationship where you have to tip toe all the time. If you don't like his comment, reply that it was a hurtful thing to hear, give him a chance to realise how it made you feel and apologise.
Brooding about it and going on an internet forum to discuss it is not the way to deal with this. Some women are really hard work.

Fairyflaps · 22/03/2017 10:29

You're nicer than me. I would probably have come back with something like "at least I have all my hair". Which wouldn't have helped either of us.

Any chance you can find the time to get back into sports one evening a week? If it's something you've committed to, you don't have the option of crashing on the sofa. And remembering when mine were that small, it is hard to make time for yourself.

Bonez · 22/03/2017 10:29

It was probably a joke. Me and mine often joke about these things with each other (backwards and forwards) but he's the only person who can say things like that to me without me getting offended because I know he's joking (and vice versa). It's a joke within the comfortable dynamic of our relationship. Maybe that's how he sees it.

Original poster

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 10:30

The problem is, you framing a comment on his weight as a "compliment" I'm not sure I did frame it as a compliment...it was more a statement...you're still as slim as when we met.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 22/03/2017 10:32

Very hurtful, no matter if it is true. But if you want to shift the weight (note the word "you") then start looking for a couple of exercise classes or gym sessions. But be very clear, these sessions will be when he can be with the dc. Do not shoe horn anything extra into your routine as this won't help.

The big thing for me is sleep. Which I know is really hard with little ones. But the more sleep I get, the less I snack the following day.

Oh and just so he gets the point, I would be sending him a photo of the dc today with a caption saying "The 2 beautiful reasons why I put on 3 stones". But that's me.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 22/03/2017 10:32

I'd rather my dh was straight with me and just said it how it was, just like when I spoke to him about my body after dd I asked him about my body and I expected the truth. What is the point in him lying, I could see in the sodding mirror.

By the same token if dh started gaining weight etc I'd no doubt ask what was going on.

I think sometimes when you are self conscious about something, we are more sensitive to the truth becuase as they say the truth hurts. I knew I was overweight after dd (2 stone gained from pregnancy) and I wasn't happy I didn't feel like me but instead of being down I put my energy in to losing it and dd is now 7 months and I am pre dd weight with I am proud of and i feel like me again

ElinorRigby · 22/03/2017 10:33

I think if you are looking at him and commenting about his appearance, it is tricky. Because it does rather give him permission to do the same.

It sounds as if you would rather lose some of the weight you have put on.

Hope you resolve this.

LouKout · 22/03/2017 10:34

If a man's "straightforward" in the way that he will shag someone else if you gain weight then better off without him

problembottom · 22/03/2017 10:34

I would have been hurt as well but my DP would probably say similar. When I put on a bit of timber and I asked him if he thought I was overweight he said "yes and it's not good". Not nice to hear but it was true. When he put on weight I told him, he wasn't happy but he listened and lost it again (much more easily than me annoyingly).

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 10:34

But your previous post says this:

Interesting that some of the responses seem to assume that I was looking for some kind of compliment back. I really wasn't...It was just a pondering comment while he was getting dressed this morning. A 'thanks' or 'I know, it's awesome' response would have gone done absolutely fine with me.

I think you are overthinking it and hopefully some of us less tactful posters will give you the kick up the bum to start working on what you know you can achieve.

Original poster

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 10:34

*Is it possible he is worn down hearing about it and this was just another time when you wax lyrical about your body as if it is being done to you, instead of deciding there is a problem and making the lifestyle changes required?

It can be exhausting living with this type of person. (So dissatisfied with their lot but so unwilling to put in the effort to change.)*
Missgoggins, I totally agree with you that that would be exhausting but I'm definitely not that kind of person. I'm very self aware, not much of a moaner and usually up for a challenge (like I said before I trained for and ran a half marathon when my little one was only a year and my eldest 2.5 coming from zero fitness). I'm not usually naggy or sensitive about my weight and I guess that's why I'm not sure why I found this particular comment from him this morning hurtful.

OP posts:

Canshopwillshop · 22/03/2017 10:36

But Bonez clearly this is not 'a joke within the comfortable dynamic of the OP's relationship' otherwise she wouldn't be upset?

OP - he's an insensitive git!

LouKout · 22/03/2017 10:36

at posters giving her a kick up bum to lose weight.

Her weight is NOT your business.

OP, lose weight if you want to, not because of random Internet people

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 10:37

Oh op this is your moment.

I would never talk to my friend so abruptly but this is what the internet is for. You know you are overweight and only you will be able to change to either accept yourself or loose the weight.

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