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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by my dh comment about my weight

324 replies

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 09:48

Getting ready this morning I commented to dh that he was still as slim as he was when we meet 18 years ago. He laughed and said, "well you've put on enough for both of us". While it might be true (probably about 3 stone since we met) I have carried two babies who are still young (3 and 18 months). I'm fully aware that I've put on a lot of weight and so while his comment is true it's still hurtful. When I told him I was upset by what he had said his response was, "well you have" (put on weight enough for two). Am I being too sensitive or is this a shitty thing to say even if it is true?

OP posts:

FeralBeryl · 22/03/2017 10:04

Tondelaya
No - but he certainly could have softer the blow by acknowledging her weight gain was contributed to by carrying their children. She is still attractive, she'd be beautiful however she looked, but if she was unhappy, he would be glad to support her weight loss plan

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 10:04

He didn't even need to lie and say "so are you" he could have just said and "you look beautiful in the picture and you still do"

What picture?

What if op doesn't look beautiful with 3 extra stone. My husband put on 2 and he was not attractive. Totally stopped fancying him. Loved him, never stopped loving him, but I couldn't have lied and said he looked good. I imagine if I had accepted it he would have been less inclined to put the work in to be back in shape.

user1486562272 · 22/03/2017 10:04

I think it's a good thing he's feel open and honest enough to say something like that to you. To me it seems he's comfortable in your relationship and as he laughed when he said it, that means it doesn't bother him one iota.

LouKout · 22/03/2017 10:05

He wasn't being honest and factual.

Yes..if she had asked about her own weight. But she didn't. He just shoehorned it in, like a dick

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2017 10:06

This is a bit like "does my bum look big in this". He can't win, even saying thanks and nothing else could have been hurtful if you feel sensitive.

But that wasn't what happened.

The OP didn't ask for comment on her own weight, she simply complimented him on his.

"Well you've put on enough for both of us", is sarcastic and unnecessary.

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 10:06

Yes..if she had asked about her own weight. But she didn't. He just shoehorned it in, like a dick

He didn't ask about his either.

gandalf456 · 22/03/2017 10:07

Shitty but then my Dh is always going on about my weight. I've lost some now but I still think he's a.dick.

diodati · 22/03/2017 10:07

I think your husband / partner would really like to see you make an effort to lose some of the weight you've gained. He could have been more tactful, It's true.

Do you want to lose weight? Are you unhappy with your body? If so, do something about getting fit and heathy. Of not, ignore him.

scottishdiem · 22/03/2017 10:08

Its hard. We have a society that tells women to be thin and therefore any deviation from that appears to be cause for upset. We have aspirations for men and women to treat each other equally but also to not tell the truth when it comes to womens weight. We have health messages about the danger of weight gain and its long term impact but people get hurt when that message is conveyed.

So do you want a partner that doesn't care about your health (or your body at all) and is willing to lie to you about it?

bigbuttons · 22/03/2017 10:09

You felt immensely hurt by the truth op? I don't get that.
As I said earlier, own it and do something about it if it bothers you, which it clearly does.

gandalf456 · 22/03/2017 10:10

I always think a person's weight is their own battle to fight. I always feel a bit like DH's property when he mentions it and personally don't notice his gain unless really fat

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2017 10:10

I'm also in the camp I'd rather my husband said it and was open than not.

As said, it is insensitive phrasing, but quite frankly we can all be insensitive at times if it's not thought through, just an off the cuff remark.

For me, it wouldn't be an issue. I'd focus more on how I felt about my weight and why th comment upset me so much.

gandalf456 · 22/03/2017 10:11

It's always dressed up as health, though. In truth, they just don't want a fat wife

Original poster

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 10:11

He knows I'm not happy with my weight. I used to be really fit and sporty but have struggled a lot with my energy levels since having my second child and can't seem to get off the couch in the evening. Combine that with a sweet tooth and bam...here comes an extra 3 stone. I'm sure he would find me a lot more attractive if I got my weight back down and maybe his little jibe, while hurtful and a bit out the blue, will give me the spur I need to get moving again.

OP posts:

alltouchedout · 22/03/2017 10:13

I know exactly what DH would have done- struck a 'comedy' pose and said "I work out" in a silly voice (he doesn't work out. He doesn't gain weight either and I have gained, oooh, 4 stone or so since we married. He never comments negatively about it.)

bigbuttons · 22/03/2017 10:14

Far better for you if you can turn his comment into something positive. Don't just passively react, don't be the victim, get out there and take control. You'll feel so much better for it.

gandalf456 · 22/03/2017 10:14

Well, while three stone is a.lot, he needs to give you a bit of a break for the reasons above.

The correct response is to sit tight and let you do it. It's your problem, your body and you have a mirror so you know what you look like so it should not need mentioning at all

RhodaBorrocks · 22/03/2017 10:16

You know, my ex was an abusive twat but i dont think he ever said I was fat. If I ever complained about my post baby mum tum he would remind me that's where I grew our DS. Even after we split and I did balloon (also 3st) compared to when we first met he never said anything.

I think that if he thinks it's OK to verbalise things as facts (you've put on weight) he has to accept you verbalising your facts too (his comment was hurtful) and not think that just because it's true negates it being hurtful, which is what it sounds like his second statement was doing - "But it's true. It's a fact. Facts aren't hurtful."

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2017 10:16

So do you want a partner that doesn't care about your health (or your body at all) and is willing to lie to you about it?

Telling lies and coming back with an unnecessary sarcastic comment are mile apart.

Don't get me wrong, I've got no time for people who fish for compliments and then retreat 'all hurt' when they don't get what they want.

I've got no time for people who constantly bang on about being overweight, but do nothing at all about it.

But from what the OP has written here, those things don't apply.

She complimented him, he replied with a sarcastic insult and there was no need for that.

Okkitokkiunga · 22/03/2017 10:18

Whilst it is a bit insensitive, my DH says exactly the same sort of thing. But then he tells it as it is for everything, so I don't take offence as a) I know its true and b) It's not a nasty dig at ME.

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2017 10:18

while hurtful and a bit out the blue, will give me the spur I need to get moving again

Butterfliesarefragile · 22/03/2017 10:18

Well it is shitty but it's not untrue. I have had 2 dc and weigh the same at 9 stone though when modelling I was 8 stone but didnt know DH then. DH weighs probably the same he sure looks the same. I'm vain as hell though and wouldn't even deny it.

Original poster

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 10:19

bigbuttons I didn't say I was immensely hurt. I did find it hurtful but not immensely so. And I'm all for owning it. In fact I put myself under quite a lot of pressure to run a half marathon when my most recent DC was only 1 . However, it was probably too much as it's been ever since then that I've felt knackered and been eating too many carbs and sweets.

OP posts:

PuntCuffin · 22/03/2017 10:19

We are the opposite here. DH is the one who has gained weight (about 3 stone). I weigh within half a stone of what i did when I left school just last year 25 years ago.

I know it is wrong, but I do not find the extra weight attractive, however much I love him and would dearly like him to shift the weight, for his own health if nothing else. But I bite my tongue and say nothing as he helps himself to seconds/thirds precisely because I do love him and it is his choice.

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 10:20

He knows I'm not happy with my weight.

Is it possible he is worn down hearing about it and this was just another time when you wax lyrical about your body as if it is being done to you, instead of deciding there is a problem and making the lifestyle changes required?

It can be exhausting living with this type of person. (So dissatisfied with their lot but so unwilling to put in the effort to change.)

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