To ask for your bizarre labour memories/flashbacks

[MrsA2015]

One of mine was being on all fours and fed an M&S Mexican 3 bean wrap, which I promptly threw up leaving the poor student midwife to clear up. Oh and asking for jellied eels (I've never had them before and don't like seafood)

With DS1 Out of it on gas and air after 26 hours of back to back labour, getting an epidural and I was convinced I was in my washing machine watching one born every minute- I said to my midwife 'oh you're called Chris, the midwife in the episode I was just watching was called Chris'
I don't remember her reply. I do however remember being so fed up with all the interventions after 36 hours of labour that when I was being stitched up and moaning in pain, when asked where it hurts I sat up and yelled 'funnily enough it's my vagina!' At the Dr...

None at all. I was so relaxed, even after 4 days of contractions. Even the midwife said how relaxed I was. Had a student midwife there as well, and the midwife asked if I'd mind the student doing a few internal checks and things, and I said not at all. Even things she said may hurt a bit didn't (she had to break my waters and said it may hurt, it didn't).
I'd heard so many stories that I'd be dead hot and sweating and I'd want my dh to wipe my face with a flannel, and I'd end up wanting my clothes off. Had none of that at all.

All I had was my tens machine until very late on, the birth pool, and a pethadine injection. But even after that I felt fine. (tried a bit of gas and air but felt so sick I refused any more)

Sassenach85 it really hurt when she kept pulling it. I don't even know how the pain registered whilst I was pushing out a baby with no pain relief. I always look for that hair now and tweeze it out. It gets as long as a fucking head hair!

These are brilliant! With DD1 I was convinced they were writing on their whiteboard (like in One Born Every Minute) about how difficult I was being so I kept saying 'I'm sorry for being difficult (apparently wasn't anywhere near difficult) please don't write on the board' I remember that feeling pretty clearly.
Also when in the pool the midwife said 'oh don't you have lonely long legs' to which my DP said I replied, 'No I don't, I just have a short body.'

High on gas and air still after birth of (very large) middle son. I remember the midwife telling the doctor who stitched me back together inside and out, "I bet you are good at darning socks" I thought it was amazingly hilarious.

Fully dialated and contractions where slowing... got moved into a new room with a new midwife. I was put on a cyntosin drip, and was encouraged to push with a chorus of, "poo into the bottom! poo into the bottom!!!" From the midwife.... very strange encouragement! I didn't know if I should laugh or cry!

POO INTO THE BOTTOM!!!

Nothing about that statement ever made sense to me...

This is a brilliant thread, I am lying in bed with insomnia and ds snoring next to me, tears of laughter actually running into my ears!
My first delivery took ages and they wanted to send me home but I refused to leave so was stuck in a room with a birthing pool for hours, DH did all the gas and air and fell asleep. My mum arrived and I was starting to get regular contractions and I was just kicking DH to try and wake him up, as I was livid that he was going to sleep through it all and too hot so my dad was fanning me with his flat cap! I swore constantly and by the time I was ready to get into the pool the ward was full of other women giving itv simultaneously with only 3 midwives on duty and I wanted to push I remember shouting at my mum 'where's my fucking midwife' and she said there all very busy and I retorted 'go and get my ducking midwife I am having this fucking baby now ffs!' So she dashes out of room, returns with midwife who gets busy with mirror and tells me she can see baby's head. Then my DH says shouldn't we change the water in the pool because it is a bit dirty now....midwife says politely no your baby is coming now but he was wittering on about clean water, my DD pops out and I am just relieved because the pain has stopped but midwife starts shouting at me pick up your baby as DD was on bottom of pool so I fish about for her apparently I was supposed to push and catch too! They insisted that I had said I would catch but I have no memory of it being mentioned! 😂
My mum still tells me off for all the terrible swearing that went on that night!

I was really tearful, I was 10 days overdue and being induced on the day we were moving into our new house. DP had to take care of the move and i was by myself! I vividly remember watching Burt Lancaster in the movie Trapeze during early labour and thinking, it's ok, I can do this....Then going into shock, emergency CS and a 10lb 8oz son

Telling my mum that the gas and air was making me high then continued to confess that as a teenager i was often high and how sorry i was.🙈

I became a feminist in labour. I am Nigerian and I kept saying the fact the first world have not sorted labour out to be less painful is because stupid men have not let it happen. Conspiracy theories etc. Everything is easier these days but not labour and the pain!
Mw and dh were very confused.

Mmmmm gas and air.

I remember bouncing on a birthing ball while I was attached to a foetal heart monitor. The monitor had a speaker and the baby's heartbeat was amplified so we could all hear it. It sounds, of course, like a trotting horse, and listening to it while bouncing up and down made me feel like I was in the Monty Python sketch with the coconuts. Maybe it was the gas and air, but I still laugh when I remember hippity hopping around the labour room in time with the clip-clop clip-clop.

The midwife had to borrow my super powerful petzl head torch I use when camping to do my stitches (home birth) as the torch she had was too dim for her to see what she was doing properly

During labour, the midwife asked to examine me. At the moment that she asked my to open my legs, the HCA brought in the lunch that DP had ordered. It was salmon.

My midwife immediately piped up "can anyone smell fish?" as she is there with her hands up my fanny and her head in between my legs. At the time, there was a senior and junior anaesthetist, midwife and trainee, DP and my sister in the room with me. They were in hysterics. I didn't see the funny side as I was at the stage of begging for an epidural so found NOTHING funny. DP laughed for weeks.

When I was in labour the midwife asked my dh if he was a model, he is nice looking but is not a model I was still am annoyed the midwife was coming onto my dh !
Also I thought she asked dh if he was bored, that was me mid hearing, she asked if he wanted to cut the cord.
Didn't like that midwife!!

With no1, I finally got an epidural.... felt instantly better, had a sarnie, a magazine and a sleep. He was being about 8 hours later.

With no2,I got my epidural, and was told to start pushing straight away. I refused, demanding a sandwich and a nap. I then started bargaining with the mw, whittled it down to 1 slice of toast, then pushing. No nap☺

Telling the student midwife to 'crack on love, we've all got to learn sometime' when asked if she was allowed to suture me. I'm an absolute riot on gas and air, almost convinced I need another baby just so I can have the gas and air.

Also, thinking I was being sneaky by having it between contractions and giggling to myself in the pool with ds2.

MN HQ could we please have this moved to classics! I don't think I've ever laughed so much at a thread!

Whilst checking how dilated I was, the nurse (female) told me I was too tense and gave my clitoris a tickle to, "relax" me .

I told the midwife that this was, "Just like being at a party", in between contractions.

I also told the physiotherapist that my son's name was Parsley. I was confusing his very full head of hair with my kitten.

Oh, and afterwards, when I'd been to the loo, I shuffled down the corridor with my 'liver' wrapped in a paper towel, looking for someone to help me because it had fallen out! (large clot of blood )

I love this thread!

• I was pushing, the midwife told me I wasn't ready. Next contraction, the midwife gets kicks to floor whilst I'm screaming 'I need stirrups!' They examined me after that and I was indeed 10cm

• High on gas and air, shouting 'I need a poo, I need a poo'.. Midwife trying to reassure me it's just the baby coming.. 'No I need a poo, I don't want her coming out with a turd in her face'

The shaaaame

Off my head on gas and air and I passed out and had a little dream that I was in gatecrasher nightclub dancing away with glowsticks and everything. I came around to find myself half naked on a birthing ball with my head propped onto the bed. Never been more confused in my life.

I was also desperate to push and my body was actually doing it on its own, I pushed so hard I squirmed urine out all over my midwife 😱.

After I'd delivered ds the midwife was checking for tears and put her finger up my bum. Dh said "you never let me do that and I'm your husband". Mortified.

Remind me why I'm doing this again in a few months? Aah!

After fighting long and hard all pregnancy for a vbac and being put in the 'high dependency' labour room ( next to theatre) being told I couldn't go for the poo I wanted as it was actually a baby coming not a poo (by a housekeeper) and that my midwife was having a break so not to push yet!!...I delivered without a MW and was informed by the lady in the next room -at breakfast the following morning- that I had calledeveryone cunts very loudly throughout and said that dogs get to shit wherever they like so why couldn't I. I wasn't having a baby I was having a puppy and should be at the vets as they have better staffing levels..... I do vaguely remember this and blame the g&a!! Tbf the consultant who saw me afterwards did have to remove it from me with a stern "you've had enough of that now"

I kept handing dh the g&a tube and then when i needed it i would yell more and more angrily at him for stealing it. Mw trying to prevent a domestic offered to hold it.. but i said i didn't want him stealing it from her...

I also apparently told my mw that this was better than walking round fnk b&q in the middle of winter when there are no fkng plants to plant in the fkng ground..

G&a has a lot to answer for..

The second I stepped into the delivery suite in labour with DS I had the urge to push. MW told me to go ahead and do what I felt I needed to do, to which I asked "should I take off my trousers?" I vaguely remember her replying that it would be hard to have a baby with them on. I also spent the entire delivery apologising to everyone for the mess etc.

With DD, I was induced and the whole thing was a bit bizarre, my mum, oh and mw were having a sweepstake on when baby would arrive and I had so much gas and air that I felt like my tongue was swollen and I was slurring. It also took a really long time for me to deliver the placenta even with the injection, so when it was finally out the mw decided to dissect it right there on the floor and proceeded to show me how tough the outer membrane was by stretching it in front of me. I had absolutely zero interest in the damned thing!