To ask for your bizarre labour memories/flashbacks

[MrsA2015]

One of mine was being on all fours and fed an M&S Mexican 3 bean wrap, which I promptly threw up leaving the poor student midwife to clear up. Oh and asking for jellied eels (I've never had them before and don't like seafood)

High as a kite on gas and air I was convinced that the candula they were fitting in my hand was a three headed jester complete with tiny pointy hats. I was also convinced that I was at work at one point and had an annoying hole in my tights (or pressure stockings, as they turned out to be).

Post birth but pre stage 3 we had to fill in a survey as they wanted to use the placenta for medical research and compare it with Russian placentas. I was still quite out of it on pethidine but I do remember being asked if I smoked pipe tobacco.

Oh and DH getting the wrong cassette tape from the car and instead of Queen Don't stop me now ( quite appropriate) we had Chris Isaaks with the Twin Peaks theme tune.

With Ds it was continuous shouts of 'I'm doing a poo!' I wasn't. Also my mum trying to pull a hair off my bum cheek (on all four) and me shouting that 'it's fucking attached!'

A couple of days before Dd was born I noticed a huge blackhead down below and spent ages trying to pop it with no luck. When the mw was checking to see if I needed stitches I asked her to get a needle and pop it. Couple of days later noticed it had gone, where the hell did it go?
Also during birth of Dd refusing to push when I could feel her starting to crown, 'I don't want to, I know how much it hurts'
A cleaner also kept coming in and cleaning around me. Zero point in that, just wait woman!

This is a post labour one but I remember sobbing in the shower on the ward after I'd had DD because she wasn't in my tummy anymore and it was the first time I'd been by myself in 9 months and I felt lonely 😂

The gas and air didn't make me high, more's the pity, but as I was having DD1, the midwife at one point said, 'push'. As I was apparently puce with effort, eyes popping out of my head even though they were closed, then DH said he wasn't surprised that when the contraction stopped, I yelled 'I am fucking pushing!' I have a loud voice when shouting, having been trained to reach the back seats of theatres, and the girl in the room next door giving birth heard me and recognised my voice 2 days later when we were moved into the same ward.

When DD2 was born, then DH barely made it back in time for the birth. He was also quite merry, having been in the pub all afternoon, and wanted to hold my hand. As one hand was wound into the sheet of the bed in a death grip and the other hand had the precious gas and air, I managed to ask him which other hand he would like to hold, as when I did get him to hold the gas and air for a moment, the bastard put it down beyond my reach. That was nearly the death of him. Then, when I was in the bath after giving birth, I found that I was completely unable to haul myself out and the dozy student midwife had less than no idea how to help me! I thought I was there for the night!

I told the midwives I felt like an elephant about to give birth as there were a lot of people around the bed (probably 4)and that elephants surround the mother as she gives birth. My son was 9lb 7 which the midwives said explained the elephant comments 😁

Hearing rave music in my head whilst on gas and air.

In labour I went to the hospital and was check by the midwife who assigns rooms and she said I was 4cm so she would go get me a birth room. TBH she was a rude midwife who shouted at me because I wasn't breathing properly.

Anyways I went to labour ward and met my proper midwife who saw me through to the end anyways after the baby came he first midwife came into the room to grab something and I said 'oh is that you from when I first came in and you checked me', she said yes and for some reason I didn't believe her and was just like ' no your not, your lying' no way.

She just give me an evil look and was like yes I am and walked out. I was still high though.

Had been left on the induction ward whilst in labour and when they came to check on me I was 6cm and fully effaced so they panicked and put me in a chair to take me to labour ward.

Just as we got in the lift a really strong contraction came on and I didn't have the gas and air to help me through it so I was screaming and instead of the lift going up to labour ward it went down! The doors opened and this poor porter was standing there with a cleaning trolley looking mortified because I was screaming at him 'WHY HAVE WE COME DOWN??!!' 'WHY WON'T THE DOOR FUCKING CLOSE??' That poor man

I also remember desperately asking the midwives to go and apologise to the nice woman I'd been next to on the induction ward because she had watched 4 of us come in after her and have our babies before her. I remember feeling terrible about that!

These are brilliant!

Another of mine was telling do to go and shave because I didn't want the baby meeting him looking like chew bacca!

Also on gas an air, midwife burst my waters and left me for a minute to (let it drain ), she used that time to say after we're done here do you need to pee. And I said ' I already have' little did she realise I meant I literally wet the bed but because of the pads for my waters it was ok lol

With DD1 I was standing up during a contraction, the tubing fell out of the gas and air mouthpiece. I freaked! Luckily DH was fairly quick to react and plugged it back in! I then went to get back on the bed and tried to lay down the wrong way round. I was not impressed with the midwives trying to turn me. Especially when 1 midwife then shouted "oh my god, is that a head!?"
DD2 was such a quick labour I don't remember much.

Whist pushing, I asked the the midwife to check if it was a poo coming out the wrong hole. She said no it's baby I can see his head. To which I replied, " it will have a head I've been constipated for ages" DP & midwife found it hilarious especially as Ive always told DP I don't poop!

Off my face on gas and air with first labour and genuinely thought i was dying. I had this feeling that i was swirling into a blackhole of death. I couldn't speak so i wrote 'i love you' on DHs hand as a final goodbye. Funnily enough I'm still here to tell the tale

Norman reeds

Your post just made me snort into my mug of tomato soup. That's hilarious

Whilst pushing high on G&E I saw the MW fussing at that end. I asked her what the Fuck she was doing.
"Its ok My you've just had a show"
"A Show! It looks like a fucking turd to me" came my reply.
I Never use that word and I was mortified when dh told me.
I also remember when they were stitching me up snoring my head off. Stoned. Trying to breast feed. The surealist part of the Labour imo.

I had a right battle axe of a midwife who refused to believe I was in labour and I would need to be induced. She insisted that I eat, saying that I had AGES to go and I'd need the energy. I forced down some Oxtail soup but my next contraction was so strong I projectile vomited it all over her.

It gets better. An hour after being denied a water birth and pain relief because she said it was WAY too soon, I'm fully dilated and pushing until my eyes are ready to pop. My waters didn't break until the last second but when they did, Wow! Ever seen video footage of a burst water main? Got her right in the face. And even while delirious with pain, fear and sheer fury I found the time to think "GOOD!"

MrsA I'm glad you found it funny! I want to slap myself stupid when I remember what I said! I'm sat here cringing!!

On my back with the doctors arm elbow deep in my fanjo, a porter suddenly appears in the open doorway, leans against the doorframe and begins eating an apple. He had a perfect view of me spread eagled but just munched away nonchalantely as if he was on a park bench.

Fear not I'm cringing now just thinking how I was flailing about fully naked without a care in the world...I remember grabbing my dps belly and trying to chomp on it

My second birth was fairly quick and a water birth. I had gas and air and was feeling really chilled out, even though contractions were every 3 minutes. I have a vague recollection of asking my husband if I'd done a poo, and then him helping the midwife to fish it out (lovely). Then I remember someone screaming really loudly, and wondering who it was and why, before realising that it was me and that I suddenly had a baby in my arms. I turned to the midwife and said, "well, that was a bit of a surprise"!

I was in labour for 23 hours so they fed me tomato soup. Then had a shift change. Then I threw up.
The new staff thought it was blood. They didnt say anything so as not to alarm me but called the consultant. In the middle of the night.

I was high on gas and air and thought the whole thing was fucking hilarious.

Telling the midwife that I can poo in labour and then showing the midwife the evidence in the toilet.

I also refused to push with baby number three because I suddenly remembered how much it hurt. I waited nearly an hour knowing full well I was ready to push but couldn't bear the pain.

With my fourth, (already had three boys) he came out and the midwife said "Oh another gorgeous baby boy" and, having been on the gas and air for a good five hours I shouted "What?! ANOTHER ONE?!"

I do love him really.