To ask for your bizarre labour memories/flashbacks

[MrsA2015]

One of mine was being on all fours and fed an M&S Mexican 3 bean wrap, which I promptly threw up leaving the poor student midwife to clear up. Oh and asking for jellied eels (I've never had them before and don't like seafood)

I was watching cricket with my husband on on the. TV in the labour ward. Everytime England got a wicket I kept cheering and the midwives kept checking I was ok. After a couple of hours of this they wheeled me into the delivery ward and I kept sending the midwives out to find the score for me!!!

I was high as a kite in pethadine and G&A. I kept on meowing every time I said the student midwife's name, Kitty. DH kept scowling at me when I did it.

I also banged on about how the characters in Winnie the Pooh all had six characters in their names. They don't, but I was convinced they all did and wouldn't be told otherwise.

Just as ds1 was crowning and the midwives kept telling me to 'pant like you learnt during your breathing class' and me shouting as I took the gas and air out of my mouth 'I've not been taught it yet, it is on Thursday' yep my little monster came 3 weeks early.

Another one from my sister, she had a tens machine on in early Labour but found it painful to have it up too high. She dropped it on the floor and as I picked it up I accidentally put it on full blast. People came running from the other end of the ward as She was screaming so much, and couldn't tell me how to turn it off. Oops.

After I gave birth, I became convinced the cleaning lady had arrived to clean up the room. My dh told her to leave immediately and come back to clean another time. She was in fact the doctor who had come to sew me up who entered the room stating "This baby, it just flew out".

Afterwards I suffered terrible piles and the nursing staff sent a doctor to look at me. He arrived with a group of students who also wanted to have a look. I refused out of embarassment and because I had been in the same class as him at school. He was a prat then as well.

I also meant to say that when I went into hospital for a check up and they found I was well into labour, I said that it wasn't convenient just now and I would come back when I felt ready. The midwife told me I had had nine months to be ready but said that the week before, someone had made a run for it and got as far as the main road in her nightie before the ambulance picked her up.

I faster in my midwifes face. She was doing an internal, and I just let rip (really couldn't wait)
She poked her head up, and said 'thanks loudest, I had my mouth open then....'

Not faster, farted even!

whilst being out of it on gas and air and diamorphine, I was having an epidural and the midwife said for me to arch my back, so I kept arching it the wrong way ( sticking my chest and belly out ) so she says arch your back like and angry cat several times, I was convinced she thought I was a cat, so kept crying at everyone "but i'm not a cat" also at one point I was convinced I was being forced to go swimming and kept telling everyone I didn't like swimming and didn't want to get into the water! I didn't have a water birth btw, in my defence I had a lot of gas and air, and 2 epidurals plus a very long labour, my OH said I was rambling all sorts of things that made no sense but I have no recollection of it

After giving birth and having had a nice long sleep, I noticed an almighty bruise on my foot. I asked my mum about it and she admitted she'd dropped the gas and air canister on my foot, mid contraction.

I had DS1 in a German hospital - the lovely nurse their said to me as he was crowning "would you like to taste your baby" DH and I were a bit and and I thought how on earth am I going to bend to do that......

Anyway - the German 'tasten' means to touch and she'd translated it as taste in English!

Notso just read your post and am now laughing my arse off

After a pretty traumatic labour (0-6 cm in 2 hours without pain relief, dh thinking said labour was Braxton Hicks and making me walk from the car to the mat ward, spending nearly 3 hours trying to push a stuck DS out because there was no doctor available to assist, which caused some bad internal tearing ) I said to the midwives as soon as I had given birth 'next time I'm having an epidural '. DH said the look on their faces was priceless at the idea that I was considering a next time! We then had a spray of blood when the cord was cut, splattering the midwives face, then to top it off the midwife doing the stitches had to call two other people in to give their opinion on whether it was 'gaping '. Not what I wanted to hear!

Biting DH on the shoulder. Just because.

And counting DDs toes and getting 6 on each foot. Counted again... twice... still 6. "Doesn't matter" I thought "she's perfectly perfect and I love her".

She has the regular 5 toes, I have no idea where the extra one I counted came from (probably the gas) 😂

Yesterday 22:08 NeverTalksToStrangers

I wasn't high on anything. Was in admissions for ages because ds heartrate was slow. Was told "this should fix it", midwife opened a tall cupboard which was FULL of lucozade. Gave me some and ds heartrate sped up pretty much immediately.

I've told so many people this story and noone I've spoken to was ever given lucozade in labour for this reason. I've even googled it. Nada**

I was given Powerade by the Midwives! They do keep a supply of energy drinks, you're not mad. My baby's heart rate was falling and mine was increasing due to an (until then undiagnosed) underlying heart condition.

Unfortunately gas and air didn't help with the pain for me but it did send me absolutely loopy. I was convinced that the anaesthetist was actually Ben from Parks and Recreation, for some reason. Even now I have warm memories of Ben being present at my birth (god knows why, he is my least fave character ).

I didn't think gas and air did anything at all, but looking back it clearly worked wonders and I was high as a kite!

I remember clearly ( same as you eddie ) the doctor getting out some rusty old enormous garden shears ready for my episiotomy. I screamed at her 'don't you fucking come near me with those things'

Afterwards as they had stitched me up the nurse stitching was so proud of how 'neat' she'd made my foof she asked if she could show her colleagues and trainees. I thought it was a brilliant idea! 'Of course, bring em all in, let's celebrate the beauty of my new designer vag, the more the merrier.... Does anyone have champagne?!'

No.2 is due very soon and these are making me cry with laughter!

I was sat up, on my knees and leaning over the end of the bed which has been raised. I'm moving around and mooing with every contraction and they are coming thick and fast. Dh and the midwife keep pulling a sheet back over my bump which slips off as soon as I start contracting. After the umpteenth time I hear myself scream "will you two stop pissing around with that fucking sheet? Let's face it, you (dh) have seen it all before and you (midwife) do this for a job. We all know what is about to happen here people! The sheet is not a concern!!!"

Being nhigh on gas and air, Sweet Dreams by beyonce playing on the radio sounded like super mario theme tune. Calling the nurse peppa pig

I was in a weird state with dd1-a bit panicky-I'd been in labour for 30 hours and stuck at 7cm dilated for ages.The midwife kept saying '3 cm to go'. I couldn't work out what she was talking about, got really exasperated and eventually said to h in what I believed to be a whisper, but was actually a very loud voice and well within the midwifes hearing, 'what the fuck is she talking about? Go fucking where?' I remember feeling livid at her talking such nonsense as such a time.
I was mortified afterwards and apologised to her-she was a lovely midwife!

MW: lovely, look at that, two legs, two arms, perfect.....
Me: just one nipple, though
MW: you what? [anxiously examines baby] right, two nipples - look here, you are Not To Say That Sort of Stuff.

During a very long induction I went through 3 different midwives due to shift changes. Some of our hospital's monitors require staff to log on with a password, and others use fingerprints. As one midwife was briefing the other, she points at the monitor machine and says, 'this one doesn't have fingerprints'. To which I rather abruptly replied, 'yes I do.'

Then I couldn't stop laughing about the fingerprints gag off Animaniacs. My husband, who is as weird as me, knew exactly what I was giggling about.

All I can say is that it was a long time from being taken in for induction and DD arriving. I had G&A that made me hurl every time i used it so had it took off me. Then had diamorphine thay kept making me hurl. Must have been changed/had floor cleaned/sheets changed numerous times. They then gave me an epidural that worked so well I numb from the boobs down and slept through the rest. The tracking machine kept telling the midwife I had a contraction and would wake me to push before I would nod off again. I was that buggered from the drugs I ended up having in doctors, midwives, paediatric doctors and nurses with resuscitation machine brought in as DD heart rate were dropping and my blood pressure. Ended up with an episiotomy and her literally pulled out.
When she came out there was nothing at all wrong with her and she was dumped on my chest. I started crying thinking I had just given birth to an alien with a pointy head. The nurses calmed me down and took her off me while the doctor was stitching me up. At this point I looked over at DH and the first words I had said to him (or anyone for ages - apart from sobbing about my alien) while winking were "are you going to ask for a couple of extra stitches?" At this point DH looked horrified and the doctor and midwife actually started to laugh. I then slept for 4 hours. I can't remember anything of the whole thing (apart from the very beginning). Turns out that I have a problem with anesthetics. A further routine operation confirmed it

I ended up giving birth at home in the bathroom, with DD delivered by dh (not planned this way!). When the ambulance arrived, I simply could not figure out how they would get us downstairs (not that they do this all the time or anything). I then started worrying about getting blood on the carpet. They assured me it wouldn't happen, and if it did it didn't matter, but it's all I could think about. "What if blood gets on the carpet? The landlord won't be happy! Dh can you please email the landlord about it? I don't want my blood on the carpet". I think it was the shock of having given birth at home. No blood did in fact get on the carpet.

On my hands and knees screaming soooo loud i said oh just fuck off meaning the pain and the mw thought id ment her i spent tenmins screaming and convincing her i was talking to my pain haha

On my hands and knees screaming soooo loud i said oh just fuck off meaning the pain and the mw thought id ment her i spent tenmins screaming and convincing her i was talking to my pain haha

With ds2, my hospital bed was right up against the wall. For some reason, turning to the wall, and slapping it during my contractions seemed a good idea. I must have looked like a beached whale spiderman.....