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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
Shockers · 21/03/2017 22:23

I felt so little regret that when my son was 10, I adopted two more children.

I think my life without the three of them may have been richer financially, but not nearly so much fun.

flapjackfairy · 21/03/2017 22:23

He not she has complex needs due to brain damage caused by epilepsy so no uni for this little man and he may not outlive us sadly so i dont look too far ahead.
But he lights up our lives with his love of life and we are blessed to have him along with our other 4 . Raising kids is hard work but so worth it imo.

PinkFlamingo545 · 21/03/2017 22:24

My mental health and peace of mind was a zillion times better than now. (before I had kids)

Since becoming a parent I have been anxious every day of my life.

AtSea1979 · 21/03/2017 22:24

I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped

I miss them, so so much. They were hard but so fantastic too.

PinkFlamingo545 · 21/03/2017 22:25

flapjackfairy how lovey - you are a better person than me - so selfless to do all that

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/03/2017 22:25

I certainly don't regret having children but I haven't paid quite as high price as many on this thread. I have been lucky that as my children have got older, they have got easier, I have lots more free time, could drink cocktails if I drank (make do with a diet tonic water), and generally, my life is fairly similar to my friends who have no children with the exception of travelling a lot which isn't my preferred thing to do anyway- they do more holidays to South America for sure.

I think there's a huge difference between life with babies and toddlers, and life with older children. They may be emotionally demanding but I have found I have space/time again in a way that didn't seem possible when they were little.

I wouldn't choose not to have them, that's a crazy thought to me. I drank quite enough cocktails aged 14 to 34, and go out now if I want to. I don't think children 'ruin your life', mine are funny and witty and good company as well as annoying, so much like most adults (only they are genuinely funnier!)

I do know a few people who have expressed some regrets, but it's by no means the norm at all. I only know one person who truly wishes their life had taken a different turn and that was an older lady I know who was a nurse and wished she'd travelled the world, her world did shrink in the 70's having two children, there wasn't as much freedom for women to work, travel, have an interesting life and have children as there is now (if you have support, money etc). I know people who expressed regrets at certain stages, but now the children are having grandchildren/off and away, I don't think they regret it in the sense of genuinely wishing they hadn't bothered, ever.

Rufus27 · 21/03/2017 22:25

Just become a mum through adoption, aged 45. Never been happier. Old enough to have achieved what I wanted to achieve career wise, be financially secure (ish) and have the confidence to parent how I/we want to, not (necessarily) how society/family dictates. Had I have conceived naturally and become a mum in my 20s, I think it would have been a lot harder and yes, I may have felt resentful at times.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/03/2017 22:27

I did cry every single day of the first month with my dd1 though, I really did think I'd ruined my life for ever!

Abraiid2 · 21/03/2017 22:28

Mine are young adults now18 and 20and I am truly grateful to have such lovely people in my immediate family.

Makes up for the many times I wanted to run away from home. They could be little shits.

Zippydoodah · 21/03/2017 22:29

haha

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 21/03/2017 22:29

I always say If dd had been born first I wouldn't have had another one after as she's so demanding and I don't know how I stand up most days. However, I know deep down that's a lie I would love to have third in the future.
I could never say I regret my children. They are damn hard work but the greatness of them outweighs that.
I sometimes look back to lie ins at the weekend and think, if only! But the joy of being with my children is far better.

PinkFlamingo545 · 21/03/2017 22:30

Id like to add, sorry, that I think it gets harder as they get older in SOME ways...OK OK hear me out

When they are little, obviously there is the usual sleepless nights etc, but when they are small you are the centre of their universe and are a massive player in their lives . You know everything that is going on

When they are older, teenage years there is a lot going on that you don't know about (yes there is..) and older again still, the worry of them going out on the town and their safety......at least when they are little you can keep them safe al the time

BertieBotts · 21/03/2017 22:31

When children are young it can also make this more likely. I would have said I'd make a different decision when DS was between 3 and 5. Now - no way. Love it again.

It is also much more difficult when you're a single parent. Been there and it's hard. It's much easier having someone to share it with.

Deadsouls · 21/03/2017 22:32

The most stressful time was when I had 2, and the eldest was 3. That first year with two was literally the most stressed I've ever been. I wanted to cry and I did sometimes. And the lack of sleep was horrendous

zukiecat · 21/03/2017 22:34

I don't regret it at all

Very strange view, I would love to turn the clock back though and have all the baby and young years again

My DDs are 25 and 24 and they are my world, my whole reason for being

I'd have lived a very miserable, sad life if I hadn't had children

All I ever wanted was to be a mum

givemestrengthorgin · 21/03/2017 22:34

I completely disagree. I thank my lucky stars every day for my kids. As far as I'm aware none of my friends regret having their children either.

busyboysmum · 21/03/2017 22:35

I've never heard this from anyone i know and there is no way this is true for me. But we are all older mums and have lived full lives before we had our kids, are all happily married with good family support, comfortably off. All these things make a massive difference to the experience.

PinkFlamingo545 · 21/03/2017 22:37

Very interesting points of view here

Night all

Oblomov17 · 21/03/2017 22:39

Gamerchick:
"Well I don't regret it but if I could do my time over again knowing what I know now I wouldn't have kids."

Yes. That exactly. I didn't appreciate how hard it was going to be. I don't like how child centred this generation of parents are. I think many children generally these days are quite unappreciative and not generally respectful to adults.

Not regret. But if I knew then what I know now, I suspect dh and I might not have.

OverOn · 21/03/2017 22:40

The people saying that none of their friendship group express regret - I don't think it's a thing many people would ever dare to admit out loud.

I don't regret my DC. But there are times where I think I'd have made a different choice if I'd truly understood the impact and the hard work required.

I would never ever say this out loud to anyone I know in RL. I wouldn't want even a hint of me wishing things were different to get back to my DC.

whirlygirly · 21/03/2017 22:45

Tricky. If I'd known I'd be doing it as a lone parent I wouldn't have chosen to have dcs. It would gave been my idea of a worst nightmare aged 20 something.

Bloody glad I didn't know though as my 2 are generally awesome and it's been an awful lot easier than I'd have ever predicted. We have a lovely time. Smile

PinkFlamingo545 · 21/03/2017 22:46

OverOn - I agree with you, and completely I would never admit it IRL as OMG shock horror people would think I was a horrendous person

If I had known that I was going to loose such a huge part of my self for the next couple of decades - and beyond.... it really does not sound that appealing no

Stripyhoglets · 21/03/2017 22:50

It's easier to admit when someone else does too. So people tend not to say anything as its taboo to admit it.

lovelyleftrubbishright · 21/03/2017 22:50

Haha, Mumsnet is so contrary!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2731884-I-hate-having-kids

HurtyAtThirty · 21/03/2017 22:51

I think regret is the wrong way to describe it. At times I'll wonder if I made the right decision, especially because I'm quite career driven and I worry I've put the kibosh on my career path, which in turn will mean I can't provide the life I want to for my child i.e. Independent school, good holidays, big ticket items etc.
And I have moments where I'll pine for my old life, especially when 90% of my friends don't have kids and are organising things I'm finally at the point of comfortably affording (trips to NY etc) and I can't go because I have a duty of care to my child.
Then there's the feeling of loss of identity, not really knowing who I am/what to wear/what to say after being quite a fashion forward and strong willed person pre baby.
But I never truly regret having my DD, it's probably best described as just moments of 'what if'

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