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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
user1490123259 · 21/03/2017 20:26

I think it would be very very rare to regret having had children, but important that such people are able to say so openly, without judgement. All of us can sympathise with the amount of sheer hard work they cause! not to mention stress and worry! But actual regret, almost unheard of.

Lolimax · 21/03/2017 20:26

Wow! Never ever regretted having mine at all. But conversely never regretted not having more either. They're 19 and 20 now and lovely. They haven't always been but I've never wished I hadn't had them.

bloodymaria · 21/03/2017 20:26

Yabu. It sounds like the norm in your friendship circle but that's in no way indicative of the whole of society! I personally love being a parent

Stitchfusion · 21/03/2017 20:27

Never met anyone who has regretted having children. Your friends sound strange.

gamerchick · 21/03/2017 20:27

Well I don't regret it but if I could do my time over again knowing what I know now I wouldn't have kids.

However my view may be coloured by the fact one of mine will probably never be able to live independently. The years do stretch ahead somewhat.

Claramarion · 21/03/2017 20:27

Being a parent is a privilege and not one we all get... yes it's hard and yes it's exhausting and there's time I could have gladly twated my daughter (never did) but kids aren't asked to be born, and their are people out there desperate to be parents... I'd never regret it best thing I ever did.

AYankinSpanx · 21/03/2017 20:27

I don't know a single parent who feels like that OP. From the mothers who have suffered losses, multiple births, hardship, PND, relationship breakdowns, whatever. Not a single one has ever said anything like that, so I'm another who is surprised at your experiences.

I do think it's the kind of thing that might pop up as a 'story' though in some thoroughly unpleasant branch of the press or other though.

BumWad · 21/03/2017 20:27

Disagree that it's the 'norm'.

Flowersonthewall · 21/03/2017 20:28

Even while the baby is screaming for the fifty millionth time this evening I don't regret being a parent! It's bloody hard work and there are times when I want to run away but I love them and wouldn't change a thing!

Swirlingasong · 21/03/2017 20:28

No regrets, but I think it is pretty normal to find it all much harder work that you imagined. Also normal that different people enjoy different stages. Some people love the baby years; while I didn't not enjoy the baby years, I actually enjoyed my children much more as two year olds.

Original poster
user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:28

It's definitely the norm among my close friends. But none of us are over 28 so we've had children young. Also, many of us are single parents.

OP posts:
Factorysettings · 21/03/2017 20:28

I think it's normal to think it and say it to friends after a shitty day/week/month but I'd be surprised if people feel that way the majority of the time.

I think I've said it to my friends when I was in a funk but I don't actually feel that way at all.

Hairyfairy01 · 21/03/2017 20:29

I've had 2 separate friends recently tell me they regret having their children despite loving them dearly and not having any money / housing worries. It's not a view I share but I also suspect more people regret it than admit it.

gamerchick · 21/03/2017 20:30

It's such a taboo topic that makes people gasp that it makes people drive their feelings right to the bottom of their guts. People should be allowed to say how they feel without getting lashed for it.

MsVestibule · 21/03/2017 20:31

I have different groups of friends, we all speak very honestly. We've moaned and whinged about pretty much every stage so far (it's not that interesting talking about the lovely times!) but not one of us has ever said we actually wish we hadn't had them.

Original poster
user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:31

Yes people are uncomfortable with the idea that someone would regret having their children.

But it doesn't make someone a bad person.

OP posts:
TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 20:31

Its way too much of a taboo subject for most people to mention. Even here people are aghast at such a thought! Not everyone has an easy time either - easy children, stability, support.

TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 20:32

It could just make them an honest person, user.

Primaryteach87 · 21/03/2017 20:32

I think there is an aspect of grass is greener. I've had friends express this to me and childless friends express the opposite. Clearly it can be tough and is way harder if you have extra stresses like medical or disability challenges to overcome. But I think it's a fools game to wish the life you have away in favour of an (in all probability) imaginary one!

TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 20:32

I mean rather than 'bad', sorry wasn't clear!

missyB1 · 21/03/2017 20:32

I do wonder if it's an age thing? I had my first two in my early twenties, and yes I did go through a stage of regret. But then age 41 I had another child and it's soooo different I appreciate being a parent so much more. I have always loved all my kids though.

StarlingMurderation · 21/03/2017 20:32

I don't regret having DS, even though it has been so difficult, because I know that, I hadn't had a child, I'd desperately want one still, as I was massively broody and we took a while ttc. I do miss my old life and freedom, but I know I'd feel a huge gap in my life if I hadn't been able to conceive.

BUT! Sometimes I wish I hadn't ever been broody. If I hadn't wanted a child, and hadn't had one, I think I'd be perfectly happy. Does that make sense?

coconuttella · 21/03/2017 20:32

Parenting is definitely hard work and there are i do sometimes miss the freedom before children, but actual regret, no... never.

xrayyankeezulu · 21/03/2017 20:32

I can understand people having a culture shock & realising it's harder than they thought it would be but i can't understand anyone regretting having a child!!

Whathaveilost · 21/03/2017 20:33

My only regret around children is that I wished I started sooner and I wished I had two more.
Sure it is hard work. When they were very young I hated around 5.-00pm especially in winter. Everyone was cranky, there was tea to make, homework and just horrible but hand on heart I didn't regret that they were there or wish I didn't have them.

I think the only other thing I would change is not to try to do so many extra curricular stuff and be a bit more laid back but I had, what the teenagers call, FOMO!!