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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
Skatingonthinice16 · 21/03/2017 22:51

I regret it.
I love them desperately and my life would be over if anything happened to either of them. Which is the main reason I regret it. Before I didn't worry all the time or feel anxious all the time. Now I will never rest easy or relax again.

aquashiv · 21/03/2017 22:54

Some days I think Jeez this ain't like the movies but don't regret them ever.

DixieNormas · 21/03/2017 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

geordiedench · 21/03/2017 22:58

I don't think I've ever regretted having children. Not even when DS2 was awake and screaming 21hours out of 24 and throwing up in my hair, on the ceiling, down my back all the time. I hated hated hated that time of my life, had severe PND but never wished I hadn't had kids, just that it was easier or that I was better at it. I loved them passionately from the outset and as soon as the dark times of ill health and sleeplessness passed, they have consistently been the greatest source of joy and profoundest contentment and sense of purpose I've ever had.

Mo55chop5 · 21/03/2017 23:03

I've never regretted it for a minute.

I do think that as a species we are getting more selfish, more entitled and more mollycoddled with each passing generation.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/03/2017 23:07

I think it's perfectly possible to hate your kids at any given stage but not regret having them in general. I think to genuinely regret having them and wish that you'd taken a different life course is different than hating, say birth to 5 years because of the sleeplessness and screaming!

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 23:08

Hmmm.

I really get what you're saying and where you are coming from.

I probably think "why did I have a kid" to myself about 10 times a week. I'm going through such a rough patch that is lasting years apparently with my DS.

I love him so much but he drives me to madness almost every day with his constant whinging, whining and tantrums. I can wholeheartedly say that I am not enjoying parenting.

But if someone came to me and said they could make it so he had never existed, I don't know if I would say yes. It's extremely difficult and my life is worse than it was before having him but, he is a little piece of my heart outside of my body.

greeeen · 21/03/2017 23:12

i don't think many people would admit to this, appart from tô very close friends so I guess how would you know. However, in my limited experience it has been the complete opposite. Nearly all of my friends thought the young years would be a total nightmare and are actually loving it.

Ladydepp · 21/03/2017 23:12

Never regretted it for one single minute. I couldn't have not had children and been happy. If I'd started earlier I would have had more.

AllDaBoats · 21/03/2017 23:12

A lot of my friends have told me they regret having kids.

They LOVE their kids "to the moon and back" etc but wouldn't chose that life if they had to do life over again. It is a taboo subject .

It seems with my friends that they have one. It ruins their marriages. So they have another coz they NEED it to keep them together! !

raspberrysuicide · 21/03/2017 23:21

I always say that if people knew how hard it is to be a parent then nobody would have children.

notangelinajolie · 21/03/2017 23:25

No, don't know anyone who has regretted having children and no, I don't believe that it is a thing.
Personally, I don't regret having children and I didn't find having kids exhausting at all. I loved every minute and I could not imagine a life without my children. My biggest sadness it not being able to have more.

lifeissweet · 21/03/2017 23:33

I regret having my second one. I know that is a shocking statement for lots of people.

I love her totally and completely and the day she was born was the happiest of my life (DS's birth was traumatic, so I can't say the same about the day he was born, unfortunately)

DD is wonderful. She truly is.

But if I had my time again I would have made a different choice.

Because she wasn't planned, I had to make a decision early on about whether to continue with my pregnancy.

Because I chose to keep her, I am now tied for all eternity to her father, who is useless, feckless, irresponsible, unreliable and makes me cry with frustration nearly every day.

I can't have a relationship because of how much he ruins my life and messes us both around.

If it wasn't for DD, I could have cut him clean out my life years ago.

It breaks my heart to think of not having her, but if I had my time over I would have taken a different path. Not because of her, but because of her father.

That, by the way, does not make me an abusive parent. She is showered in love and wants for nothing. It is not about her.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2017 23:34

I don't have children. I think that any 90 year old would prefer to be a great-grandparent than an old maid/bachelor, but that, for me is not enough to go through the drudgery now so I suppose I'm accepting that when I'm very old I'll regret not having had children.

goingmadinthecountry · 21/03/2017 23:34

I haven't found it a drain having children, but I do often wonder what my life would have been like. Love my children to bits but I don't feel fulfilled workwise - I've never achieved anything like my potential and I sometimes wish I'd made different decisions. Dd1 is doing an MSc- my advice to her is do what you really want.

Don't mind me - 4 kids and a mid life live in the middle of nowhere Icouldhavebeen a contender crisis going on.

Deadsouls · 21/03/2017 23:35

lifeissweet

Are you still in a relationship with DD's father?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2017 23:37

I remember a colleague telling me never to have children. I pointed out that it couldn't be so bad as she'd had a second one. She replied that her second child was an accident (though much loved of course) and that for our other colleagues the second child had been because they didn't want the first to be an only child, rather than genuinely wanting a second child.

lifeissweet · 21/03/2017 23:38

No, Deadsouls, not at all.
He is with a woman who has 3 children of her own. He picks and chooses when he sees DD, he feeds her crap, can't cope with her at all, has no parenting skills and changes his plans at the last minute all the time so I can't plan my life.

He is selfish and childish and I'm constantly picking up the pieces.

But I have to deal with him for her sake. He will always be her father.

PickAChew · 21/03/2017 23:39

Well mine have been especially hard work, but Ive never regretted having them (just often wish I'd had the chance to love them only one at a time because that is a much less challenging experience due to the nature of their SN)

If you move in circles where having children is viewed as a box to tick, then I could see how the reality would be disappointing and regrettable, though.

38cody · 21/03/2017 23:44

I regret having DS no 4.
I had two in my 30's and 1 at 40 and then because I was worried he wouldn't have the joy of a close-aged sibling my first two had, I had my fourth aged 43. He's totally different from DS3 and they have little in common. He is very difficult, stubborn and hard to manage, he has a short fuse and is often bad tempered and low-level naughty at school - whereas my first 3 were a breeze. I love him of course but I often think how easy and more pleasurable our lives would be if I hadn't had him. It's probably exacerbated by my age but yes, regrets. Shock.

Knifegrinder · 21/03/2017 23:46

I don't know why people are so shocked. There have been numerous lengthy threads on Mn down the years about regretting having children. The reason you hear it on an anonymous forum but don't often hear it in RL is because it remains terribly taboo. And I bet that in many cases their parenting is indistinguishable from that of the loved-up parents, and their children feel loved, they're just acknowledging something many find unpalatable.

Deadsouls · 21/03/2017 23:47

lifeissweet
Sorry to hear that. It must be tough to deal with that.

AprilTheGiraffe · 21/03/2017 23:48

It's the hardest thing I've ever done, raising a child.

I miss my old life, sure. I miss the freedom, the money, my career the way it used to be.

But I wouldn't give up my child for anything. I just wouldn't change a thing. I think that's the majority view, tbh. Not regret.

brasty · 21/03/2017 23:51

I have had close friends who say this. They love their kids and are good parents, but if they had their time again, they would not have had kids. And yes some had 2 kids. In one case an accident, in the other two cases, they did not want their child to be an only.

stoopido · 21/03/2017 23:54

Sometimes I miss the freedom of my old life but I have never regretted having my children.