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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 21/03/2017 21:34

I don't think regret is anywhere near the norm. Utter shock at how hard it is is definitely normal IMO.

It's the bastard juggling. Trying to get the toddler out of the house on time for work is hell on earth. Looking forward to him being 5+ and less trantrumy.

Violetcharlotte · 21/03/2017 21:34

I certainly don't think this is the norm. I've been known to say this in jest, as have my friends at times, but absolutely wouldn't choose not to have had mine if I had my time again.

irregularegular · 21/03/2017 21:36

Really? I don't think I've ever known anyone admit they regret having children. Not in "real life". And I struggle to think of anyone who might possibly say that if they were totally honest. I'm very open about the fact I really didn't much enjoy babies and toddlers and never got remotely broody. But I still don't regret having them.

springflowers11 · 21/03/2017 21:36

No I don't think I know anyone who regrets having children.in fact I am pretty sure of this.

Its exhausting. I feel sorry for parents. I would never recommend becoming a parent, its a thankless task. As mine has become older its increasingly become one more fight about screen time, bed times, chores, whatever. Parents have little authority and get little respect, neither do schools. Their is a sweeter time when they're younger for some of us, but even then

In the kindest way, you need to relax the rules and enjoy your children.One day you will turn round and they have grown and flown, and then it's too late

angelicjen · 21/03/2017 21:38

Finding it harder than expected and not enjoying every second isn't the same as regretting it.
I've been absolutely floored by my DS but there's no way I'd be without him.

skerrywind · 21/03/2017 21:42

OP I think your friends are very unusual,

As this thread testifies.

And just to agree having kids can be a great challenge at times, but I have had not one second of regret.

TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 21:48

Don't patronise me Springflowers. You don't know anything about my circumstances or what kind of parent I am.

Lenny1980 · 21/03/2017 21:49

I wouldn't say I regret having children, I love them to bits. But I loved my life before them and would be just as happy, perhaps more so without them. Being a Mum is a thankless task.
I hate what having a kids has done to my career (I.e. Fucked it over). I'm in a very senior position, only took 8 months off work but despite that I'm being completely excluded from working on the best opportunities. And my (male) colleagues couldn't wait to steal my clients the minute I was gone. That would not have happened if I hadn't taken maternity leave.

TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 21:49

I think the OP is quite brave, as is often the case on AIBU. Then a whole bunch of twillies come along and say she's odd, unusual or a bad mother.

skerrywind · 21/03/2017 21:51

Parents have little authority and get little respect,

But that's not a universal truth.

It's not the case in many familes, including mine.

TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 21:53

I didn't say it was in every family Skilly, did I? But you would have to be living on the moon to not notice that parents (and adults generally including teachers) get less respect!

I feel I'm getting alot of negative attention because, basically, I'm the only person with a different view. Bowing out now.

corythatwas · 21/03/2017 21:54

it is polite to kind of take the cue from the people around you, so if you are in company where everybody gushes about their children it can be hard to admit how you feel

otoh on this thread it feels almost unkind to say "well, actually, I enjoyed mine", as if you're lacking in empathy with those struggling

still, at the risk of sounding unkind,I can't remember ever regretting mine. There were shit times- mainly to do with ill health and disability, but that just made me realise how much I cared and how determined I was to keep on fighting. Think it helped that I had several siblings and nieces/nephews, and was generally quite used to what small children are like. Spent a lot of time (entirely voluntarily) looking after small brother as a child, so I don't think the full-on-ness of it came as any surprise: if anything, it was the period between leaving home and having children of my own that seemed like a bit of an anomaly.

OldLibrary · 21/03/2017 21:54

I regret almost everything else I've ever done, but not for one moment do I regret my children.

And I was never a "mummy" type person, but they are the best thing I've ever done.

(Don't tell them though😀)

Voice0fReason · 21/03/2017 21:56

Definitely no regrets.
2 fantastic kids, it has not all been smooth sailing, we've had a lot of disability to manage and there have been some very difficult times.
But not one moment of regret.

None of my friends have ever expressed regret.

I do think that some people might say that sometimes, more as just a general moan about life, but I doubt that many actually feel it.

donajimena · 21/03/2017 22:03

Not for one minute but two years ago I would have said yes.
Its bloody hard. But even in moments of 'regret' I wouldn't have swapped them.
My children bring me so much joy but its been a long journey to feel this way

charlestrenet · 21/03/2017 22:06

I don't think it's at all true that it was easier in the 60s.

In fact, in many ways it was a lot harder. Labour saving household devices were a lot less efficient and a lot more expensive, no disposal nappies that were any use, unreliable and patchy provision of contraception are just a few things that spring to mind.

Plus, there might have been some middle class women that didn't have to work but it certainly wasn't the case for working class families - and there wasn't anywhere near the choice and breadth of childcare provision there is now. Plus no Equal Pay Act so those women dragging their kids round cleaning jobs with them in the holidays earnt buttons.

Also, there were plenty of rules - try being unmarried and pregnant in 1960, or having a husband who wasn't British, or even just not wanting to cut your son's hair or not take your kids to church, and see how free you were back then.

As for disability, sure there were kids who were disabled. They were shunted off to residential institutions though, or the "lucky" ones stayed with their families in a society that blatantly refused to meet their needs where they could look forward to a lifetime of isolation and ridicule during which their parents would be shunned by many because it was thought they had done something "wrong".

Still, all the kids played outside, ah. Hmm

ThighBrows · 21/03/2017 22:08

It's too taboo for people to admit the word 'regret' but judging from parents comments, a lot of people's live show have been hugely negatively affected by their choice to have biological children. (Finances, marriages, body, mental health etc.)

The confessions page on scarymommy indicates the opposite of what posters here are saying.

Deadsouls · 21/03/2017 22:10

No I don't regret having children.
I have found it very hard at times particularly when they were both little. When I was having s difficult time in my life, (getting divorced), it felt at times impossible to deal with looking after them. But I've never regretted having them.

mycatisginger · 21/03/2017 22:11

I regret not having her earlier. I am 35 now (she is 1) and feel (for me personally) I'd have to have another one pretty quick before I am too old.

I have no regrets at all. She is part of our life and we couldn't imagine her not existing.

PinkFlamingo545 · 21/03/2017 22:11

This thread is fake as fuck

Heaven forfend we should not be enjoying being up to our elbows in responsibility and shitty nappies - who would want to swap that for free time and cocktails on the beach?

OP you are bang on the money.

No parent ever really knows what they are getting themselves into. Being ill informed about parenthood is not the same as regretting it though.

I am not saying anyone regrets it, now their children are HERE - but I feel sure that if it was explained, I mean properly explained not through rosy coloured glasses, there would be a lot less kids born in the first place

I take my hat off to people who DONT have kids. It is not societys expectation and really if you don't want kids you should never have them to fit in, as it is less neglected kids in the world

mycatisginger · 21/03/2017 22:13

On the other side - I would never recommend anyone getting with someone who already has kids. Now that is something I didn't think through.

flapjackfairy · 21/03/2017 22:14

Havent read full thread but i have never for a single second regretted having children .
They are all wonderful despite having 3 with additional needs
In fact i love it so much that i have just adopted a 2yr old at the grand old age of 52 !
.

PinkFlamingo545 · 21/03/2017 22:15

flapjackfairy what a wonderful thing to do. I find it extra ordinary I truly do that you would do that at age 52.

How will you cope when you are 70 - and she needs funding through Uni?

Wingsofdesire · 21/03/2017 22:19

I don't think it's hard work at all. I think it's an amazing privilege and really very little trouble given the love and joy having children brings.
What hard work? Really, what? OK, younger children are quite labour-intensive, but after school age it just gets easier and easier in that respect. Yes, the 'job' changes - you are helping with Maths instead of watching Peppa Pig, but still ... I just can't see it as work. It's all a pleasure. I have the greatest respect for having been able to have children - all of us who have them are so lucky.

But then again, I also feel lucky to be alive. One could say the same - how boring, what hard work, getting up every day ...

I'm interested that some people do actually think children are 'hard work' though, and that they aren't really worth the trouble. Have to say I find it pretty surprising, but then I always have a bit of a rose-tinted view of the world, so it is genuinely interesting to know some people don't feel lucky and just feel it's a pain having children. I'm really surprised.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 21/03/2017 22:19

There was a pages long thread on MN very recently about regretting your kids. Loads of posters admitted they did. I think it's in classics.

I think it's quite common but no one wants to admit it.

Objectively my life pre baby was waaaaayyyy better. More money, more time, more sleep, a better relationship.