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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
BorrowedHeart · 24/03/2017 02:03

I sometimes regret having my second, yet I yearn for another baby (I know it's not wise for me so have decided to wait a few years and see if we still want one) I love her and would give my life for her, but sometimes I regret having her. That's down to her having a heart condition and then a transplant and coming home on a ventilator and a trachi etc. My eldest can be such hard work and her behaviour can be awful at times (3 years old) yet I don't have the same feelings about her and I feel awful for it, I feel like ive put her through an awful time of barely seeing mummy and daddy, having to move away from her nanny and live in a room and spend most of her days on a hospital ward, and waking her in the middle of the night because the hospital called and many more situations. It's almost like I have a favourite, yet I love them the same. I sometimes wish that my youngest was born healthy so that life wasn't so hard for her and us I hate thinking about the future and when will her heart fail, will she survive another wait for transplant? I think some people struggle more and will regret things more but still love their kids and couldn't ever let them go, for me it has led to depression but no matter what I couldn't lose or choose to give up my little girl, but I will always have a nagging feeling of what if she was finewould life be better, would life be easier if we were pregnant sooner or later than we did. It's a horrible feeling, sorry for ranting.

grannytomine · 24/03/2017 09:51

BorrowedHeart, that must be so hard. I hope life gets easier.

flapjackfairy · 24/03/2017 10:12

Borrowed that is incredibly hard to live with and i get it as i have 2 with life threatening disabilities. I understand your guilt over your healthy child but i bet she does not feel as you do about it.
She is probably taking it all in her stride and it will give her a v grounded approach to life in the long term or at least it has with mine.
I cope by not looking ahead too much and i enjoy the good and endure the bad much better that way.
Hope that doesnt sound patronising! You sound a wonderful mum and i hope you all have a happy ,healthy future ahead ! X

Noodoodle · 24/03/2017 10:53

I've never regretted my dd and ds. When I was pregnant with dd my dh wanted me to have a termination. I said no, never, couldn't do it. I would have regretted that, I don't regret having her or either of them, not for a second.

I live and breathe for them, everything I do is for them. If I'm having a shit day they make it better. If I need help, they help me and they know I'll help them too. They've taken me over a bit, I'm sure, but I feel like I'm just suited to it, I love it. It's scary as hell knowing you are shaping this little bundle into whatever it's going to be, and being responsible for how they grow up and view life...that this seperate life is totally dependant on YOU (till a certain age at least) is terrifying at times.

But I wouldn't swap it for anything. If I could swap my dc for riches, I wouldn't have them to enjoy it with.

I do regret having what I guess now was ppd and how it stopped me from bonding with my first dc until about age 3. I've never told them about it or anyone really.

BorrowedHeart · 24/03/2017 11:02

Thank you granny and thank you flapjack not patronising at all, I need to stop worrying about the future but my anxiety doesn't help lol. I'm trying as you say to focus on the good and take each day as it comes, her big sister has coped well but now that her younger sisters care is less she is very jealous but not in a bad way just wants to be on my knee of her sister is etc. Hoping she doesn't scare people when she starts school, as her favourite game is being a doctor and diagnosing a heart condition then cutting open for surgery 🙈

flapjackfairy · 24/03/2017 11:21

She will probably go on to be a world renowned heart surgeon pioneering revolutionary treatments! Ha ha x

Bluesrunthegame · 24/03/2017 11:31

I have never regretted having my children for a single moment, even in the bad times. But ex SiL and, to a lesser extent, ex BiL, regretted having their son and said so frequently. Not sure if they still do.

I have had semi-drunken conversations with dads in bars who said they thought they would have been happier if they hadn't had children, but I'm not sure if this was the drink talking. It could also have been that they were in their 40s, as was I at the time, and they were looking at the younger, prettier people who were also in the bars and who seemed to be having a better time.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 25/03/2017 12:26

Nice to know so many people think I am 'odd' or 'bizarre' for regretting a decision that left me ill, miserable and occasionally suicidal for 5 years. I feel like a shell of the vivacious person I was before becoming pregnant.

But look what you got out of it...

It's not about you anymore. I really don't understand this. And this from someone that had PND with my second and couldn't walk for 7 months after my third and had daily physio because pregnancy had damaged my pelvis so much. Just don't understand how people could regret having children and feel desperately sorry for their little people. Sad

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 25/03/2017 12:26

Sorry couldn't make the first bit of my last comment bold!

user1489261248 · 25/03/2017 15:14

It's not about you anymore. I really don't understand this. And this from someone that had PND with my second and couldn't walk for 7 months after my third and had daily physio because pregnancy had damaged my pelvis so much.

Can't help but wonder 'waitrose,' why you carried on having children if the first one or two caused you so much grief. Confused

I've never regretted my dd and ds. When I was pregnant with dd my dh wanted me to have a termination. I said no, never, couldn't do it.

Why noodoodle? Shock

I hope you are not still with him. Hmm

Elendon · 25/03/2017 15:16

Hmm That's not helpful username Why are you blaming the victims?

Elendon · 25/03/2017 15:18

Sorry meant that to waitrose as well.

user1489261248 · 25/03/2017 15:26

Eh? Blaming victims? I''m not 'blaming victims.' I am just asking a question. Confused If a birth/having a child is so dreadful it sends you into massive PND, so much so that you're suicidal, why would you have another child? It's a perfectly valid, acceptable question. No victim blaming. What an odd thing for you to say.

BorrowedHeart · 25/03/2017 20:31

flapjack She might do lol

Original poster
user1489943514 · 26/03/2017 19:57

I don't regret having my son. But I can't stand looking after him the age he is now. I count the days when he's 18.

OP posts:
Angela0413 · 26/03/2017 20:03

What an odd post, yep raising children is bloody hard work at times but I have never spoken to anyone who says they regret it!

MrsCobain · 26/03/2017 20:11

Count the days to when he's 18? That's pretty bloody horrible to be honest.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/03/2017 22:23

"Count the days to when he's 18? That's pretty bloody horrible to be honest."

Not so much if she doesn't say it out loud like my mum used to me when I was 15. She'd go up the stairs saying "three years to go". Maybe I was a nightmare, don't know...

BorrowedHeart · 27/03/2017 02:02

gwen my mum was the same, she babied us then expected us to know what to do and be out by 18, she's now doing it to my brothers and I feel sorry for them and understand why they are so angry.

MrsCobain · 27/03/2017 02:04

My Mum said it regularly then buggered off when I was 7.

bananafish81 · 27/03/2017 08:05

As someone who is involuntarily childless, the life of an infertile couple isn't the joyful life you may have had before you had children

We are childless not childfree

We have no role in our friends' lives because they all have kids and so their weekends are spent (understandably) at their children's nursery friends' birthday parties, or play dates, or NCT get togethers.

We don't have happy, joyous lives with lie ins and expensive holidays, because of the unending sadness at never having anyone to call us Mum and Dad (and spending £35,000 on fertility treatment and still no bloody baby)

If we don't ever manage to become parents, through whatever route that may be, we will have to come to terms with involuntary childlessness and try to find a new rhythm of life and new pursuits and people to occupy our time with, and try to find other meaning in life

I cannot for one minute understand the difficulties of raising a child, as I've sadly never had the chance to experience it

I'm sure the life of the person who is childfree by choice is a very different experience to bring involuntarily childless

But a life without children in a lifestage where everyone else has them, isn't necessarily the same as the life you enjoyed pre kids

Noodoodle · 27/03/2017 11:44

Flowers Bananafish I hope you do get to be a parent one day, through whatever means you choose. I think you're right, childless and childfree are two different things and you explained that very well. But be kind to yourselves, your lives hold no less meaning because you don't currently have children, though I cannot imagine your struggle.

User1489 whole hell of a backstory, and would hope for dd's sake she never finds out. I am. Was young and stupid, now just stupid.

Morphene poor care during and after pregnancy is definitely not an essential part of having kids. I too had horrible care (though didn't realise, and I doubt to the same level as yourself) and it took ages to bond with my first dc and actually for starters, feel like a parent. You should be able to enjoy your dc and it's sad that you weren't able to. You say you're just getting your mental health back, I hope that continues for you, and your dc.

HuckleberryGin · 27/03/2017 12:33

Bananafish I hope you get to have children. It doesn't mean that those of us who are finding children hard are any less entitled to our feelings. Pain isn't comparative.

phoenix1973 · 27/03/2017 12:42

Crikey, they are hard work. I hated the little years, I feel bad saying it but it's true.
You gain a lot but you lose a lot too.
However, I am so glad I've got my daughter in my life. She has made me more determined and tenacious. I used to quit things when they got hard. I wanted to quit parenthood when she was a baby but I didn't. It was sooo hard.
Now I see it was defo worth staying and she's helped me to improve as a person.
She's 10 it's a fab age and we're enjoying life.
I'm nervous about coping with the teens. I know I must still love her and stay despite any horrendous behaviour she may exhibit. I will go through the meno as she hits teens, so it will be doubly difficult. Hope I have the strength to keep it all together.

bananafish81 · 27/03/2017 12:45

huckleberry entirely agree. And wasn't meant to come across that way - apologies if it did

Was more intended as a counterpoint that life without children in a lifestage where everyone else has children may not be the same as the life one had pre children

Wasn't intended as a 'my pain is worse than your pain' top trumps

I hope everyone manages to find happiness in their lives via whatever form their family looks like