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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
VacantExpression · 21/03/2017 21:00

I can think of one or two families I know where at least one of the couple regrets having children I think, they've never admitted it to me anyway so I don't know. Far from the norm though?

My only regret about having children is that I couldn't financially or physically have any more. I cannot imagine my life without mine, though I have been very lucky to have three amazing spirited ones.

SusieOwl4 · 21/03/2017 21:02

Having children was the very best thing I ever did. Never a moment of regret.

RebelRogue · 21/03/2017 21:02

I hated the baby stage. I wasn't too fond of toddlerhood either,but I don't regret my kid. If i had to do it all over again,i would . I'd just not torment myself over what's right what's wrong and being so paranoid i broke the baby ever few months.
And i think that's what the taboo actually is. It's all omg cherish every moment,and OH you'll miss this in a few years and look at the amazing photoshopped pictures we have of baking cakes,making art and a billion other perfect things in one day. Screw that! Yes there are precious moments but there's nothing previous about shit stained,vomit covered,ear piercing screaming moments. No one will fucking miss being kicked in the mouth by a foot,sleepless nights and food battles. There's so much pressure to cherish every moment,be this amazing mum and make your kids your whole life. And there i was thinking..."i love my kid,but fucking hell i hate this!" and "no i don't want to wear a teething necklace,can't i just wear something for myself for once?" and "my dream birthday present would be a night in a hotel all alone and just sleep,pee and bathe in peace".

But nope, I don't regret my kid,and it does get easier as they get older.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 21/03/2017 21:03

Not me. They were the start of recovery from my abusive childhood. Becoming a mother has been possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have a life outside them!

BrianCantsPants · 21/03/2017 21:04

I could quite cheerfully pack mine off into the sunset and have done with them at the moment. I wouldn't say regret is the right word but certainly if I'd known before I had them where I'd be now, lone parenting due to the MH issues and subsequent disappearance of their dad, financially up against it and no family support within 100 miles so no time off for almost a year, I wouldn't have had them. It's the sheer constant relentlessness of daily life, then having to find something to do with them at weekends, then not having any childcare for the 'right times' in the holidays so using up all your annual leave before October half term and needing unpaid hols for Christmas.
I'm fucking exhausted, at the end of my tether with nothing left to give. And the GP says 'well you've got 4 children, what did you expect?' Hmm Erm, not to be doing this all alone, perhaps?

GoodnightSeattle · 21/03/2017 21:05

while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

Fair the title may say it is ALMOST the norm, however I was referring to the OP quote above ...

flupi · 21/03/2017 21:06

I have 3 and I would do it all again in an instant.

SallyInSweden · 21/03/2017 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JayneAusten · 21/03/2017 21:07

As this thread shows, it's not the norm. It's very, very hard sometimes but I have never regretted having my children, not for a second, not ever.

HadrianHadALongWall23 · 21/03/2017 21:07

If I'd have known, years ago...I wouldnt have had children...I may have had lots more money, time, a tidy (not ruined )house and possibly have been thinner, as I could go out, as and when I fancied...

Andcake · 21/03/2017 21:08

I have one ( hard won due to infertility) I would have many many more and give up everything to do so. Only one of my friends has ever said she regretted dc

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 21/03/2017 21:08

I ought to add, having me was THE worst thing that ever happened to her. She regretted every single minute of me. But she's obviously not the normal mum who's fed up!

BreakfastAtStephanies · 21/03/2017 21:08

My work colleague has said that if she had her time again she wouldn't have had her DC, was never broody and only had them because her DH wanted them. Her DS has never left home at age 35. That may be the nearest thing to regretting having DC that I have heard.

Personally, I've never regretted having mine. I agree with Piglet upthread though. I prefer the older child to teens stage. Mine are mid to late teens now and it's a blast ( despite the worry)

pictish · 21/03/2017 21:09

Goodgirl it was the opposite for me. I don't think it's portrayed as being all hearts and flowers and I had always believed that having kids would be a nightmare. The sleepless nights, the expense, the shrieking and crying and tantrums, the bind and loss of freedom, the piss and sick and shit. Ugh.
I wasn't maternal, I didn't like kids and I was in no rush to have any.

It so happens that I fell pg by accident at 25 and far from it being the shitfest I was expecting, it was the best thing I ever did. I couldn't have expected the joy it would bring.

pictish · 21/03/2017 21:10

And I know that's not everyone's experience...but it was mine.

charlestrenet · 21/03/2017 21:11

I don't think it's the norm but it certainly isn't some massive daring taboo to say it - I've seen it raised on mn and elsewhere before a fair few times.

I don't really get the mindset because my life has changed so utterly since I had mine that it would be difficult to unpick the many decisions, events; life circumstances etc to see what would have happened otherwise - it all kind of snowballs - you know, I did X because I had kids to think about, then that led to y situation, which I appraised according to our circumstances etc.

Also, I don't see how I could begin to regret the actual physical living reality of other people being alive. Just can't get my head round it.

Plenty of people do though.

BeyondThePage · 21/03/2017 21:12

I know one or 2 parents who regret having kids, but they are generally those who have not been "lucky" parents

one has a child with severe disability and will be taking care of them forever, 'til the day they die - and the never ending monotony of it (child now 11) is gradually bringing her to her knees (the dad left when he saw what he would be signing up to... forever...)

One has a currently colicky baby - 4 hours of screaming every so often has a way of encouraging even fleeting regret.

I have been very lucky and have had no regrets at all. (along with many of my friends)

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 21/03/2017 21:13

My kids test my patience most days and I often feel like an unpaid slave.
There are times they prevent me from doing things that I don't fucking want to do in the first place like cleaning..
They use all my money, cock block my husband and drain my sanity... but never would I dream of saying I regret having them! I love them with every fibre of my being!

Notsoyummi · 21/03/2017 21:13

Nope I admit it's hard work money tight less holidays Ds may have dcd but I do not regret having them not for a minute they are my world I can't imagine life without them they test me to the max but I wouldn't have it any other way I feel I am growing with them.

Astoria7974 · 21/03/2017 21:13

People don't tend to be serious when they say they regret having kids unless something really bad happens. A close friend of mine lost her son due to a tragic accident caused in part due to her then dh demanding she not install certain necessary safety kit in the house. She used to regret having her son because losing him totally destroyed her for years & caused her to plunge into pnd when she had a baby with her new partner.

Llanali · 21/03/2017 21:13

I don't regret my child, but I regret having had her when I did. Given my time again, I would have waited another 5-10 years. My body and my life feel ruined some days. I love her with every inch of me, but I'm fed up, claustrophobic and feel left behind.

BrianCantsPants · 21/03/2017 21:15

SallyinSweden thanks for the vote of support. My life is hard through someone else's selfishness and I'm making the best of it, to the best of my ability, trying to bring my kids up to be responsible adults.
I said regret isn't the right word but I wouldn't have had them if I knew then where I'd be now. I would never in a million years tell my kids I regretted having them or I wished they had never been born.
Walk a mile in someone's shoes before you judge.

RebelRogue · 21/03/2017 21:16

Sally I don't think it's fair to compare abusive parents with parents that think "fucking hell this ia hard/i wish I'd known/i wish i waited". Some people might think this or that stage is absolute shit,or maybe that parenthood is shit,but never act on it and do love ve their kind ds.

HappyAxolotl · 21/03/2017 21:16

I've known people say they wish they'd waited a bit longer or worked a bit harder to have been in a better situation financially or relationship-wise when they had children. But they don't regret the child/ren, just that with the benefit of hindsight, circumstances weren't the best at the time they did have them.

Then again, don't they say that if you are waiting for the perfect time to have a baby you'll never do it? Perhaps if those parents hadn't taken the plunge when they did they might have waited too long or never agreed on having children?

snowgirl1 · 21/03/2017 21:16

I don't regret having DD at all. When I was pregnant I got so tired of people being negative 'make the most of your sleep now' 'oh, you don't know what you've let yourself in for' 'that's the end of nice meals out/holidays/doing what you want'. I was expecting parenthood to be an endless drudge, but it's been a joy - I wish we'd started younger and had more.