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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
cafesociety · 21/03/2017 20:33

I never regretted having mine and I do not think it is the 'norm' to regret having kids at all. I enjoyed every stage of my sons lives and actually didn't find it that difficult. Money was a bit tight and I didn't go out loads but it wasn't awful.

There are a couple of mums I have known who moan constantly about their children and school holidays....but both are lazy and selfish women without the common sense to have the foresight to think about what having children and bringing them up entailed.

StealingYourWiFi · 21/03/2017 20:34

I have met a few who have said they wished they didn't have children if they could start over. This was usually in conversation when they have asked me when I am planning on children (me and my partner have no plans, at least not now).

TheInterruptingSheep · 21/03/2017 20:35

I know perhaps 3 or 4 few mums who have told me they regret having children, women of differing ages and personal circumstances.

The ones who have said it have said it when no one else is around, as though it is taboo and they don't feel able to say admit it publicly. I wouldn't say it's necessary the norm though.

grannytomine · 21/03/2017 20:35

I think it is probably normal to have moments when you think why did I do this? Like at 2 am when you are exhausted and just get the baby settled in time to hear the toddler running into your room but I think that is understandable and generally goes when you manage ten minutes sleep.

Mine are all grown up and I have no regrets but I have to say that when I look after my grandchildren, which I do quite often, that I sometimes wonder how I survived it full time.

mowglik · 21/03/2017 20:36

Never had that view expressed to me personally before OP though I know some people do genuinely feel that way. I've seen a lot of sadness and regret over not being able to have kids/any more kids due to infertility etc. Also that is hard work, it's definitely the hardest thing I've ever done but here I am expecting dc2 and planning the third Confused

I was going to say perhaps your friends had kids young and feel they missed out on life a little bit. I def waited til id reached my thirties and made sure I spent my twenties doing everything I wanted/needed to first, so maybe that helped.

titchy · 21/03/2017 20:36

There's a massive difference between acknowledging that parenting is a hard and largely thankless task, and actually regretting having kids.

Most people definitely feel the former and very few the latter. Are you sure your friends don't just mean the former?

To wish you hadn't had children just seems so desperate somehow.

Ohyesiam · 21/03/2017 20:37

I think regret sounds to long term and final for the overwhelm that people often feel when kids are small.
I've not enjoyed bits( you can keep the pre school years), but I've never regretted it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/03/2017 20:37

No. I don't agree at all. I only know those who have regretted not having any.

MsVestibule · 21/03/2017 20:37

Just read your update at 20:28. I imagine being a younger, single mum is far more difficult - most of my friends are married/have well established careers so perhaps feel that the sacrifices they've had to make don't outweigh the benefits?

Minniemagoo · 21/03/2017 20:38

I only know 1 person who has this view and their DS put them through hell with MH problems culminating in his suicide. They are open and honest about their feelings and knowing the hurt they experienced and sadly having so little joyful memories I totally respect their feelings.
I think if you know someone who truly and honestly feels like that you really reflect on the meaning and would never say it offhand or without 100% conviction.
It certainly isn't the 'norm'.

MiddlingMum · 21/03/2017 20:39

I totally disagree. They are life-changing, expensive and hard work, but I don't know anyone who regrets it. Having DC was the best thing I ever did.

farfallarocks · 21/03/2017 20:39

Never one day of regret i adore them and want to inhale them they are so delicious. But I struggled with miscarriage and infertility so I feel ridiculously lucky to have them. I also
Work which helps I think as in I don't have to all the drudge all day wvery day.

lalalalyra · 21/03/2017 20:39

I only know one person who regrets having her child, but that's because she hates the life her DD has (life-long debilitating and painful condition).

I do think a lot of people underestimate how difficult it can be. Especially with the way things have changed and there are not so many families all living close and mucking in together (I'm not saying that doesn't happen btw, I have that, I have a few friends who've moved for work and don't have local support).

Allthewaves · 21/03/2017 20:40

Really. My mil the only person iv heard this from. My boys are hard work. Would not be without them

BellonaBelladonna · 21/03/2017 20:40

Nah.

Whatsername17 · 21/03/2017 20:41

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it might be because you had them young. I wouldn't have been ready in my early 20s. However, not every young mum will feel that way.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/03/2017 20:41

I very much doubt your 4 closest friends genuinely regret having children. If they do I'd seriously think about finding another friendship group.

I know many mums and not one has every even hinted at regrets after having a child so it's definitely not the norm everywhere . I know 2 who have regretted adoption but for pretty extreme reasons.

WarmestRegards · 21/03/2017 20:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been been removed by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

ItsReginaPhalange · 21/03/2017 20:42

Never regretted it. One of the best things I have ever done. Yes it is hard, so bloody hard. But so so worth it.

SuperBeagle · 21/03/2017 20:42

I don't think it's the norm. I think those people who truly regret it are in the minority.

If I regretted it, I would've stopped at one. Instead, I have 4.

AndKnowItsSeven · 21/03/2017 20:42

No, I have never met anyone who feels that way.

Judydreamsofhorses · 21/03/2017 20:43

I am childless, but my mother has told me often that if she'd known what it would be Iike, she would never have had children.

NapQueen · 21/03/2017 20:43

There is a difference between regret and realisation.

I dont know anyone who regrets their kids. I know a LOT who have come to the realisation that 50% of parenting is shit and 50% is amazing.

Concernedmum4567 · 21/03/2017 20:44

How old are you op?

Eolian · 21/03/2017 20:44

I've never encountered that view except on MN. Tbh my dc are not particularly hard work. They were pretty easy babies and toddlers (although that stage is always hard work). They are 8 and 11 now and are mostly good company and good at entertaining themselves. I didn't have mine until my 30s though, and have a supportive dh.