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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
ligersaremyfavouriteanimal · 21/03/2017 20:45

Sorry, totally disagree OP, I feel completely the opposite and have never met anyone who has even hinted they feel this way. No way is it the norm!!

Iamastonished · 21/03/2017 20:45

I don't regret having DD, but I can't deny that it hasn't been hard. She has had some complex medical issues, and as OH and I had her later in life, I worry a lot about her future. She is an only child and we live nowhere near family.

I don't feel that my life is better or worse for having a child, just different.

deliverdaniel · 21/03/2017 20:46

I think probably more people regret it than admit it, but I think it's probably relatively rare to truly regret having your own child.

For me, I don't regret having my kids one bit. BUT it is WAAAAAAYYYY harder than I ever imagined it could possibly be, even though we have two lovely, healthy boys. And I beat myself up regularly for finding it that way. But I still wouldn't change it.

ToffeeForEveryone · 21/03/2017 20:46

DS is wonderful, I wouldn't change him for anything and don't regret having him at all.

BUT - all the associated cleaning, sleep deprivation, isolation, sheer exhaustion, body changes, relationship strain, worry, impact on career, Wheels on the sodding Bus, haven't had a day to myself since he was born ...

Yes, had I known all that, it would have put childless me off.

But, childless me didn't know DS yet either.

loobylouloos · 21/03/2017 20:47

I don't anyone else who regrets it. I feel very alone in that feeling.

Silvercatowner · 21/03/2017 20:47

If you are still in your 20s then your kids must still be young. The baby/toddler years are very hard but they make up just a fraction of what it is to have children. Mine are 28 and 30 - toddler years are a very distant memory. I cannot think how my life would have been had I not had them - my love for them is bottomlessly unconditional.

Maleeena · 21/03/2017 20:47

My DC are almost 8yo, healthy, wonderful and sweet to behold. If I could turn back the clock, I would not have had any children. When you think about it, having a child/children is a pretty stupid thing to do. The disadvantages far outweigh the benefits. Love DC to bits, but could totally live without them, and quite happily too.

I only have one DC but have used plurality to keep their sex anonymous. I have no intention of having any more.

Athome77 · 21/03/2017 20:48

I work with older adults. I have heard several times from people who never had kids that they wish they had some, as friends have their children and grandchildren to help them (although I can think of some where they are non contact), I never hear the people with kids who support them with shopping, bills, visits, days out ever say I wish I'd not had kids.

Grilledaubergines · 21/03/2017 20:48

God no. Don't regret it for one minute and I love being someone's' mum.

I can honestly say I don't know anyone who has regretted it. Yes, we all have bad days with them but when I look at my DCs and see what lovely, polite young adults they have become, I feel nothing but pride.

Fryingpanfire · 21/03/2017 20:48

I don't think many people truly regret their children although they may wish they had had them under different circumstances.
My own were pretty easy and they grow up so even the bits that are hard disappear .

1horatio · 21/03/2017 20:49

I grew up with much younger siblings (10 years and more).

I think I had more of an understanding what it would entail (I had babysitted two of them when they were still toddler and pre-school aged when I was about 18/19 for whole weekends etc) than some people.

Which obviously isn't the same, but no. For me personally parenting hasn't been a negative "surprise" yet. I'm not saying it's easy... But it's mostly (not always, sometimes it has been worse) what I suspected...

I'm actually dreading the teenage years. I was a mess for quite some time.

And my little sister was extremely difficult.

Stripeymug · 21/03/2017 20:49

I don't know anyone that regrets having DC

Swirlingasong · 21/03/2017 20:49

Judy Flowers what an awful thing to say.

GoodnightSeattle · 21/03/2017 20:52

OP never said it was the norm, peeps.

FWIW I agree with you. I know a couple of people who regret it. I think I know a few more who regret it but won't let themselves say it because as you say, it's taboo. You're a bad mother if you don't love every messy tantruming minute etc.

CosyCoupe88 · 21/03/2017 20:53

Haha lament for the good old days of lay ins and box sets. But no regret!

memyselfandaye · 21/03/2017 20:53

I also disagree 100%. I'm in my 40s with a 6yr old. I wish I could have had him sooner, he's fantastic.

pictish · 21/03/2017 20:53

No I don't agree that it is the unspoken norm. Not whatsoever.

Jemimapiddleduck · 21/03/2017 20:53

I'm (almost) 29 and expecting my third.

I put uni on hold (didn't finish degree) after falling pregnant to DS1 (copper foil ended up in placenta!)

Having our first son was exactly what we needed, we love being a family unit and want more. I am going to cross credit my papers and study to be a teacher with a post grad degree in mind.

Hopefully when the youngest is 5 I will be 35 with my masters and ready to work/study. My mum is my inspiration she had me at 30 left my father put off finishing her degree until she was 39 and is now on her way to finishing her phd She is 58 (but looks 42!)

I don't regret having them at all, My partner and I both think it was good we had them young as we don't know any different.

Sometimes I envy those with more money - things are right but they won't be for long I hope.

ligersaremyfavouriteanimal · 21/03/2017 20:54

judy Flowers your mum is cruel and nasty what an awful thing to say

pictish · 21/03/2017 20:56

"OP never said it was the norm, peeps."

Read the thread title?

GoodGirlGoneWrong · 21/03/2017 20:56

It's such a taboo topic.

In my very small close friend circle I know of 2 who do regret having them, one who really really regrets her dc. Not that they don't love/cherish their kids but have openly admitted they regret having them or wish they'd waited a few more years. This doesn't in my eyes make them bad people or bad parents.

We struggled to have any dc lots of miscarriages lots of heart ache waiting for that positive with doubt and hope that maybe this one will stick, lots of stress etc I don't regrets them but they are a lot harder work than anyone ever told me, it's always painted as perfect and flowery but the reality is some what different.

Many an evenings have I sat on the sofa head in hands crying because I am so drained by them, stressed out, feeling guilty because I snapped after saying something 3 times, I worry I am not good enough for them.

Goforit2017 · 21/03/2017 20:57

Op said its almost the norm!

Not amongst my circles anyway. Most mums I know will compare notes and have a moan but I have never heard anyone say they regret it.

HuckleberryGin · 21/03/2017 20:57

I love my dc and wouldn't wish they weren't here, however if I could go back I wouldn't have kids. Not sure I'm made for it. I definitely would have stopped at one. Dd (the youngest) is a force of nature and I find her infuriating. I often think of all the things I could have done without kids.

NoLotteryWinYet · 21/03/2017 20:58

no i don't regret it whatsoever. I sometimes wish I had a bit more backup, or they slept better, got sick less often that's about it. I sometimes drift into a daydream where they are collecting their doctorates from a suitably ancient Oxbridge college whilst we look on fondly when they're tantrumming :) Similar to my lottery winning dreams really!

Laquila · 21/03/2017 20:59

I'm astonished you think it's almost the norm. I think your friends are very far from normal in thinking this.