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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 21/03/2017 21:17

Regret? Hell, no. DD is everything now. It scares me, actually. I don't even want to imagine life without her.

I think I'm closer to the norm.

Wetcappuccino · 21/03/2017 21:17

My opinion is that it is impossible to anticipate what having children will be like, you just have to experience it and understand that there will be times you just want to run away from it all! I have a toddler and she does my head in at times (the whining!) but I love her so much and never for a second feel any regret. Coukd not be without her.

HuckleberryGin · 21/03/2017 21:17

I don't think it is selfish. My first dc was an accident, it meant financial issues. My marriage isn't brilliant and wouldn't have probably lasted without the kids. After my second dc I have post natal psychosis and was admitted to a psychiatric ward. I struggle constantly with my MH, I am exhausted all the time as my 4 year old doesn't sleep through the night. I have to work full time due to financial issues. My 4 year old screams, hits and generally fights all of us, all of the time.

I'm a terrible mother- I shout, I get really fed up, I ignore them to go in my phone, I hate playing, I spend a lot of time dreaming of being on my own, even for a few hours.

ClaireH26 · 21/03/2017 21:17

I had DD1 in my mid 20's, I was the first one of my friends to have kids, very little social support, no family around, and my life was just obliterated. I loved her, but yes. I did regret it. I wasn't ready and I resented giving up my social life and freedom. Now I'm in my mid 30's, have 3 more kids and I honestly love being a mum. It's so hard and somedays I dream of walking out of the house and not going back, or just a full nights sleep, but I don't regret it any more because I'm ready. My friends have kids now, I'd rather die than go clubbing, I like walks and brunch and Radio 4 and hanging with my kids Grin

megletthesecond · 21/03/2017 21:18

One of my friends (two parent family, financially secure) has implied it's how she feels. She said if she knew then what she knows now she doesn't think they'd have had kids.

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2017 21:18

I've never seriously regretted having kids. Only fleeting felt life would be easier without them. And it probably would now. But in the future they will not be nearly so much work.

I do think regretting having kids is linked to having post natal depression.

I also know many women who wanted kids and could not have them.

It's a massive thing to have kids, all women, and men, should think long and hard about whether it is right for them.

Trb17 · 21/03/2017 21:21

I can honestly say my DD is the best thing I've ever done with my life. I've never regretted having her. The world is more colourful to me for having her in it and I'm grateful every day.

MistyMinge · 21/03/2017 21:21

I don't think it's the norm at all. Myself and lots of mu friends with children discuss how bloody hard abd consuming it can be at times, and miss our pre children lives sometimes. Let's face it, having small children is bloody exhausting. But none of us actually regret having them.

I felt like leaving 4yr old DS1 in car park today as frankly he was being a right bellend, but I didn't abd wouldn't as I love him more than anything.

Knowing what I know now before having them would not have stopped me, I'm fairly certain my friends would say the same.

Bantanddec · 21/03/2017 21:22

I have a friend who got drunk on a night out and told us all she regretted having her kids. I don't think we'll ever find out if it's a common trait because I wouldn't expect many people to admit it (drunk or otherwise!!)

grannytomine · 21/03/2017 21:23

BrianCantsPants, don't worry about people being judgemental, it is healthier to admit its hard than to pretend its all Disney. I have 4 as well but they are all grown up now. It was hard, I wasn't on my own but my husband was disabled by a mixture of an accident triggering an undiagnosed spinal problem so suddenly I had this ten day old baby, lively 2 year old and 2 at school and I was husband's carer. I remember days when I cried with exhaustion and of course I forgot I was the breadwinner as well.

If it helps I'm glad I didn't know how hard it was going to be because I might have stopped at 2 or 3 and it is lovely being the mum/granny to this crowd of people. It amazes me sometimes when I look up at my sons towering over me, my beautiful daughter and the madness that is my growing crowd of grandchildren.

You have it all to look forward to. It might be a bumpy ride but it is all worth it in the end.

Headofthehive55 · 21/03/2017 21:23

I regret not having them earlier!

Astoria7974 · 21/03/2017 21:24

People don't tend to be serious when they say they regret having kids unless something really bad happens. A close friend of mine lost her son due to a tragic accident caused in part due to her then dh demanding she not install certain necessary safety kit in the house. She used to regret having her son because losing him totally destroyed her for years & caused her to plunge into pnd when she had a baby with her new partner.

Zippydoodah · 21/03/2017 21:24

I have seen it a bit on here but no one I know has admitted it in real life. I'm sure many think like that at times.

There have been times where I've felt the same way but it's more frustration when they're going through an impossible period. When we come out of it, I don't regret it anymore.

Also, a lot of the posts on here coming from those who say they've regretted having children have under 5s at home all day and that is hard work. Most of the responses say it gets easier, hang in there and it usually does until they hit their teens where you get a 2nd toddlerhood with swearing.

TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 21:25

Well, society is very pro-kids. So its hard to resist. Also when you're pregnant your hormones are "thrilled" is the only way to describe it IME. For me the reality down the lane has been, how shall we say, alot harder. But if you have nice kids, nice home, nice husband, are comfortable financially, good health, no children with SNs or other difficulties, I guess its more likely to be plain saililng.

I was with a group of older women recently. The ones with children looked almost totally "done in" by it comparied to the never-had-kids. Just saying....

Sara107 · 21/03/2017 21:27

I sometimes wonder about the people who say it is so much harder than they imagined, and why does nobody tell you this or that beforehand. But it seems to me there is no end of people complaining about how hard parenting is, from the horror birth stories related in gory detail, the sleepless nights, the lack of social life, the tedium of Peppa Pig, the cost of childcare, the difficulty of being a working parent, the lack of money etc, etc. People seem to moan endlessly about parenting, I can't imagine anyone embarking on a baby without knowing that it will be challenging at times. It does piss me off I have to say when I hear people moaning on about parenting, and I just think to myself well, why did you have 3 if they're such a burden to you?

SallyInSweden · 21/03/2017 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BakerBear · 21/03/2017 21:27

I do think parenting has become harder than it was in the 60s.

There are many children now that have learning disabilities or have a physical disability.

Parenting has changing ALOT. You are judged alot more on your parenting. Parents no longer smack or are very harsh with discipline which has resulted in teenagers telling their parents to fuck off etc. This is unheard of when discipine was much more severe.

Homework is now given out and parents are expected to help alot more at home with schooling than they used to. There are alot of after school and social activites than children now attend.

SAHM are much less common which means parents are working full time then running from one place to another picking children up from out of hours childcare, hobbies etc.

In the 60s children played outside constantly without being watched. There is no way you can allow children under 12 to play in the street unsupervised.

There are so many rules are regulations to follow now regarding parenting that i can understand why having children may seem very offputting

boohoo4u · 21/03/2017 21:28

Absolutely disagree.
I had severe PND and various issues and thought I'd ruined my life in those first few weeks.
Now my DC is 2 and I wouldn't change anything though, my child is my life and I'd die for them, I'd rather be put through hell by them than be without them, I don't think I'd survive if anything ever happened to my child, they are my world.

Trustyourself2 · 21/03/2017 21:29

I know people who regret having them, but I also know people who don't regret it. I've been surprised at the people who've said they regret it.

Youdosomething · 21/03/2017 21:29

I certainly don't regret having kids even as a single parent. However given that my ExH parting shot was 'family life is not for me', I take it he did!

Just as well I didn't have any regrets really; 'two kids for sale, one previous owner'😉

TimelessReality · 21/03/2017 21:30

Totally and 100% agree BakerBear - my analysis of the situation too!

OneSecondAfter · 21/03/2017 21:30

Another who has never regretted it and don't know anybody who has ever said they do. I definitely don't think it's anywhere near the norm.

cherryblossomcarpet · 21/03/2017 21:30

No regrets here. My two are everything to me. Had I started younger I'd have had more.

PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus · 21/03/2017 21:31

I have a couple of friends who have expressed this view. They are good parents in so far as I'm fairly sure their children don't have a clue they would have done things differently given their time over again. I also have a friend who, I learned after I got to know her, left her child with her husband and started a new life alone in another country.

I don't think it's the norm but I think it's still seen as taboo to admit it, so I suspect there are more people feeling like that than might be imagined.

grannytomine · 21/03/2017 21:33

TimelessReality, your post brought back a memory. When my son was little he went through a phase of being scared about dying or me dying. Well I couldn't promise never to die like he wanted me to but I said when he was all grown up and the age I was then that I would be the age of an older woman in the family who was young looking for her age (hope that wasn't too complicated). His reply was that it didn't help because she didn't have children so when I was her age I would be older than she was (now that is complicated). I couldn't help but laugh, out of the mouths of babes and all that.

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