To think regretting having children is almost the norm

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I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

Yes it's hard work but I have never regretted it for even a second! I have never heard my friends or anyone else for that matter say that they regretted having children either. My sister does wish that she stopped at one child rather than having 2 but Ds2 is likely to be profoundly disabled so I think that is a bit different. She wouldn't swap him for the world but would have had a much easier life with just ds1. Very sad.

I disagree. I won't dress up motherhood, there are days i think roll on bed time and the odd bout of tears from myself. But i love my children with every fibre of my being, to me it feels like my soul purpose is to nurture them. I would die for them in a heart beat to protect them. However it is a slog at times and I aren't the type that finds it particularly joyful most days. I would say my love for them is fierce, rather then joyful. As babies i had the magical moments etc. But when they are kicking the shit out of each other and we are out on a family day, if they get attitudes and dismiss my efforts.. yea it's tough and far from joyful. The only part of motherhood i truly hate is the guilt!

Like everything else, extra money makes it easier...just eat out when you don't feel like cooking, just buy replacement coats/shoes at the drop of a hat and have no impact on your own spending money.

There can be cushions which make having children easier, supportive families where everyone is not overwhelmed by sooo many kids and where grandparents are well and still around and want to help out.

It's all very personal to each of our circumstances and it fluctuates over time.

Never , wish I'd picked better men though so I could have not been single for so long and maybe had another :( hopefully it's not to late for me

Better men in general terms over the years including ds dad . I have one dc

Having help nearby would definitely help. All the grandparents live 150 miles away. I see friends having meals out and afternoons off as grandparents do childcare and they seem happier. As to friends with enough money to take dc travelling. We can't afford exotic family holidays, we can barely afford a UK holiday.

My kids saved my life in every was possible. I was nothing till I had them. They gave me the family and love I craved my whole life. I would never regret them.

We always say we wish we'd stayed single care free and not had children. Doesn't mean we'd go back in time and change things cos we know how great it is. But if I could go back to the beginning before the love bug bit me I might chose a different path

I don't regret them, but I wouldn't encourage people to have kids. I have completely lost who I was or who I could have been. By the time they are grown and gone, it will be too late.

You have a 4 year old, honestly, easier times are just around the corner.

You have a 4 year old, honestly, easier times are just around the corner.

I hope so. Her nursery teacher described her as a little suffragette. She is so strong willed I often feel she will defeat me.

This is a subject that quite intrigues/baffles me to be honest.

I know several women in RL whose children were very much wanted and planned. Had they had any serious fertility issues, I have no doubt that they would have been devastated. In one case, my friend's DSis conceived 3 months before my friend did, and she found this quite difficult to cope with.

But once their babies were actually born, it was almost as if a switch had been flicked. Being a mother went from something that they had actively chosen and brought about, to something that they were now bravely facing. The general sentiment from their family/friends/colleagues was expected to change seamlessly from congratulatory to sympathetic. One of these new mothers (who to be fair has a tendency to be a bit superior anyway) now alternates between your-life-is-a-bit-pointless-if-you-don't-have-kids, and childless-people-don't-know-how-lucky-they-are, probably depending on how much sleep she's had the night before. I never know which side of the coin I'm going to get, and whether I should be telling her how envious I am of her beautiful baby, or how amazing she is to be coping so well.

I don't believe that any of my friends/family regret having their children. But I do sometimes wonder, when people are mournfully shaking their heads over how hard it all is , and when they planned to have their DC, do they forget that this was something they chose? And if it's simply a case of expectations not matching up to the reality, why is that? What did they think it would be like and how is that different to RL? As someone who is hoping to conceive #1 this year, and who worries a lot about having fertility problems, i sometimes ponder this. I was almost 20 and still at home when my youngest sibling was born, and DM regarded the first few years of their life as very much my responsibility as well as hers. Someone once said to me that it was like having all the responsibility of feeding/changing/minding, without the unique joy of actually having your own children. Perhaps I am biased as well, as DM never made any secret of how she felt constricted by her DC, and I always used to think ' well I didn't fecking well ASK to be here!'. I firmly believe that until you've experienced something, you can't fully understand it (you can know it, but you won't feel it). But in the case of motherhood, the pendulum sometimes seems to swing SO far the other way, from crying over a BFN, to crying about careers, social lives, marriages being wrecked by having DC. Does none of this get considered when people are TTC?

Rosie Cat I think it's been mentioned already our hormones and the advertising world conspire against us and sell us a story that does not reflect reality.

The brochure is not accurate. Us ladies tend to be disapproved of if we even give a hint that we may prefer to just be responsible for ourselves and no one else.

Society has a skewed view of how women/prospective mothers/mothers should behave. We are conditioned to follow certain paths (and the conditioning comes from a patriarchal society where good women are martyred slaves to the family).

Rosiecat I think parenthood is just one of those things that you occasionally can't live with, and mostly can't live without.

I don't know if I'm unusual (maybe so), but I felt so, so sorry for myself when I had small children. I felt a combination of anger and jealousy towards anyone who was either not a parent, or even more so, parents of older children. This was interspersed with the moments of joy and deep abiding love, naturally, but it was a recurring theme.

Now that my children are older (11/14), I really think I'd have a better sense of perspective if I were to do it again.

Patsy I both agree and disagree with this. The hormones are bastards, no doubt about it. And advertisements are clearly bollocks, as are most social media posts (#feelingblessed etc). But I don't agree that all women are somehow 'tricked' into thinking they want children. I think a lot depends on your backgrounds/circumstances as well (a little bit like what people were saying on the 41 year old granny thread). If I do end up announcing a pregnancy this year, at the age of 28, my university peers will probably be stunned and think I'm far too young and need my examined. My 85 year old grandmother would almost consider me an 'older mother'. My parents, I'd guess, would privately agree with the university friends! If anything, I feel there's more of an expectation for me to hold off having children, get a dazzling career and travel. I can only speak for myself, but all I ever hear is how hard parenthood is - not once has anyone told me it's easy. As I said in my previous post, being told this won't prepare someone for the reality. But I couldn't accuse anyone in my life of having tried to pretend it isn't bloody hard work.

RosieCat I simply had no idea of how hard it would be.

To be fair my children are unusually hard work, as DC1 has additional needs and neither of them sleep well (but then, I have money and a helpful family, which perhaps helps balance that out).

But I just had no idea. It not because it was hidden from me - I read MN while TTCing and read plenty of stories of no sleep and tantrums etc.

I think it's just impossible to imagine what it's like, even if it's been described to you you still can't imagine it.

It's like if you'd never had a migraine and someone described it to you. Then they said "hey, you can eat this delicious food but it will give you a migraine". You would probably still choose the food because you don't really know what a migraine is like, even if it's been described to you, and you kind of subconsciously kid yourself it won't be all that bad. Not for you anyway, cos you've got all these anti migraine strategies you read about in Gina Ford. Then the migraine hits and OH MY GOD why did nobody tell me. Except they did.

Whilst it's unpalatable to think that a person could look at their children and think that they could have had a happier life without them, I can see why some might feel that way. It doesn't mean you don't love the child you have.

The day to day business of family life can be tiring/constraining (compared to single life) but that is relatively short term. I suspect it's more the 'opportunity cost' that dawns on you once you have a family. That your physical, mental and financial energies will pour into your family for the best part of 20 years and will define your choices and limit your alternatives (for most people). That's not to say you can't combine other things with family (of course) but it leaves a lot less room and mental energy for other things in life be it career, extra curricular or travel etc. At least unless you have lots of funds, nannies etc. or have 'done it all' already. Also the permanent emotional responsibility and commitment of a child simply because you do love them so much is massive.

Contrary to some posters, it would surprise me if people didn't sometimes ponder this opportunity cost and the emotional aspect of it and wonder if they might have chosen differently in full knowledge. I would find it surprising if someone regretted their children because they couldn't go on the lash every night for a couple of years but I suspect that is not what is being talked about.

Fwiw I have heard this from only one person who had a child after many years of fertility treatment and then found the reality hard to absorb later in life. That didn't mean she didn't love her child and wasn't a good mother.

I think the opposite! All my friends and family have much more fulfilling, happy lives since they had children. I would definitely put myself in that category as well. I love them so much and they return that and entertain and fulfill me every day. It is hard work. Anything worthwhile is hard work, such as a fulfilling career or achievement in sport, music whatever.

My unhappy friends are the ones struggling to conceive, 50% I'd say have had to have ivf. Most left ttc till their 30s for various reasons. So for that reason, I try to encourage my younger relatives to start trying asap if they can in their late 20s and not prioritise career, owning a house, travelling, getting married - all of which you can do with children; but the later you leave it the more chance it might not work out.

Interesting and bloody scary thread to read as someone who is 6 weeks pregnant with their first

It strikes me that those who absolutely love having kids, are perhaps less likely to be confided in by those who would perhaps do things differently if they had their time again.
And I do think some people don't really seem to think about the realities. I was taken aback when one friend who had had a child late in life suddenly said to me with horror, I will be in my 60s when he is a teenager. That thought had never occurred to her, which totally surprised me.

I don't regret having children and wouldn't say I did if asked.

However I don't enjoy it either. I am having a pretty shitty time if I'm honest (interspersed with love and joy but there is a LOT of shit).

I don't regret it because I think I'd have been unhappier without them than I am with them (that sounds so negative). I'd have had a more comfortable life, 1000% more comfortable, but I'd have got bored and always felt I was missing out. Also because I am really hoping it will get better as they get older and I get more sleep and fewer tantrums.

Right now though, it kind of sucks.

Like a pp, I don't regret it but I wouldn't recommend it either.

So I think we have to be careful not to equate "don't regret having children" with "love having children". There is a big spectrum in between.

I don't regret mine because they've been the absolute making of me. DH always wanted DC just like I did, so we're both pretty happy parents. I wouldn't pretend life is a fairytale; some days are lovely, others are spent cleaning shit out of the bath and whispering "what the fucking fuck" at DH when they've been vile. But I wouldn't change a moment of it. The good outweighs the bad tenfold.

It must be difficult admitting that you wish you'd done things differently when DC are concerned. There are things I wish I'd done differently, but nothing so all-encompassing as having DCs. Regretting that would be harder than I can imagine because there's no chance for respite or refunds; it's a permanent lifestyle switch you never escape.

God no not for a minute have i regretted my children. They are the best thing that ever happened to me and i really enjoy parenting them

I'd like more sleep though

minipie that's an interesting point (and I'm sorry you're having a shite time of it). I have often thought about all the negative things I've heard about motherhood (much of it from my own DM, thankfully I'm not over-sensitive!) and wondered what the hell I'm playing at wanting to walk voluntarily into it. Or I'll be having a lie in at the weekends, or watching TV with DH, and suddenly get a weird flash of 'I won't be able to do this when we have DC'. But to be honest, there's no point fighting it, because rightly or wrongly, I WOULD like I was missing out if I never had DC.

Exactly that. That's that biological urge thing, combined with a hefty dose of FOMO.

I just had a friend tell me today not to have a second child. Jokingly of course, but she is having a hard time. Was pregnant shortly after having her first. I never take these things as "ohhh she regrets having the baby" obviously she loves them more than anything, but we all have hard days.
There is a part of most of us that sometimes miss even the small things like not having to get a sitter to go on a date.. Of course it's all worth it and of course one day it gets easier, but in the beginning your whole life changes and you no longer have the freedom to be you/do you when you want to.. it becomes all about our little humans.
Another thing is some moms have a really hard time, maybe it's with their spouse or even with the in-laws or family that I think can make a woman wonder what life would be like if she was not permanently stuck to them! The stress of dealing with it all can make a mom question if she was right in bringing a child into the mess.
Long story short I think mothers are expected to walk around singing about how joyous motherhood is... when yes there is a lot of gratitude, a lot of happy moments, but some of it is freaking hard and some days you can emotionally break down..maybe your kids colic or tantrumming all day long when you hadn't even slept the night before... so why not try having some empathy for that mom that is clearly going through a rough time instead of judging her. Encouragement goes a long way.