To think regretting having children is almost the norm

[user1489943514]

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

And to answer your question I didn't really know myself and didn't think about what it would be like
But once they were here I have given them the very best that I can to the expense of myself - sometimes this makes people happy and I wish I was one of the people like that v much
I couldn't nit give my all to them tho

Very unusual .....
Is it hard work - damm right it is it but I have never heard any of my friends saying it's a regret .....

Happy
There was a thread about people who do on here
There is also a f b page

You are saying it's strange
I understand that from your perspective
However it will remain a taboo if people who feel judged by being thought of as strange can't then say their true views ... which in turn wd make it appear that that they are not people around who hold that view ...

"My life before kids was revolved around eating out, travelling and wine. It was hollow. I am fulfilled now"

1. The first sentence sounds heavenly. Why was it hollow? Do you enjoy never finishing a meal without being disturbed? Never having more than one glass of wine or suffering the consequences of a hangover plus child waking at the crack of dawn? Do family-friendly holidays fill your heart with joy rather than travelling the world?! WHY?!

1. What/what is it that makes you feel 'fulfilled'? I've been a parent for 7 and a half years now. I feel exhausted, short changed and pissed off. What is fulfilling about constantly saying no? About repeatedly wiping areas of child and surfaces of the home? About pretending to be cheerful when you do your thousandth trip to the swings?

And whoever said the good times outnumber the bad 10 to 1 - really?!!! Do me a list of your average day.

My one good thing today was that DD2 was keen to read to me when I got in from work. Everything else has been a mechanical chore of varying degrees of stress and objection by the kids. At least 10 bad things to outnumber the 1 good, probably more.

I think it depends how much you are prepared - I grew up with my mother constantly saying, Don't have children! It's the end of your freedom, you can't put them back .... I was actually pleasantly surprised when they came along!

Passport
Some of your comments nailed it for me
Whilst I love my dc
It's some of the aspects of parenting I've hated but have had to pretend ( for years ) to like
Like going to parks doing child stuff - wd love to walk alone in hills
Like playing games - hate them
Sleepovers - ditto
Parents eve - ditto
Family fun days - hell
Holidays that are in fact not a holiday but hard work instead of traveling to morocco
America Nepal or touring England
I wish , completely -that I was a person who enjoys those things and not found them difficult fir years
My dc have done lots of simple things which I love like walking with us but organised ' fun ' things are hell on wheels to me .

Oh Sally the issue is undoubtedly me! Doesn't make child-rearing any more enjoyable though.

My heart also burst with pride at the Xmas play. So that's one day out of 365 taken care of.....

I see lots of good in my kids
I have cried with pride at things they have done
They are well rounded , bright , kind and intelligent young people
Moments of pure bliss for sure
I have worked hard to bring them up and I do love them dearly
But
It has not come naturally to me
I wish I was the sort of person who loves ball parks , petting zoos etc
But no I'm just not and I'm simply saying I wdnt choose it again as others do
I think that there is so much joy to be gad from having dc but not everyone feels the same and it wd be good for them not to have to pretend otherwise ( to other adults not their dc of course )

My mum also repeatedly said don't have kids. I thought it was her way to encourage me, the bright child, to focus on a career. Turns out she was right though........

Sally my dc are for sure worth the effort
I have put them first for years and years - rightly so - of course I did
It's not that I didn't think they were worth the effort and now that they were here I put what I wanted to do aside for many years as I 100% feel they were worth the effort and I cdnt do anything else because I love them .
It does not mean I have enjoyed a lot if it tho

What an odd bunch you are

I've never met one person that has (openly, anyway) expressed anything like this, let alone many!

Waitrose
Have you not noticed that there are people who chose to be child free ? Ever wondered why ?

All people are not the same ...

Does it really help calling people odd ?

I don't think it's a case of regretting having children though is it?

More of a case of regret that you didn't go into it with enough thought or preparation for the utter slog that it is.

I was a total and utter naive idiot and I had loads of experience with children. But other children's people don't require 24/7 emotional and physical work.

I wasn't prepared for the guilt. That's where my regret is. I'd do anything to not experience that guilt. It's mentally the most draining thing ever.

Gertrude
That's a really insightful post
Yes I wasn't prepared for the sudden 24 hour responsibility
With no family support .
I'm sorry you felt guilty .
I didn't think it through
If someone had told me what it was like I wd not have chosen this path , but I guess no one can tell you . I wish I was one of those parents who got joy from
Ball parks etc instead of hating things like that .
And then I feel guilty because I'm not
.
I have done my very best for my dc and love them .
But enjoyed it - not exactly .

People who feel they are missing out - do you try to get your kids involved in what you like? We like walking/hiking, classical music, the theatre, eating out etc and our kids are part of that. We go walking for hours at a time (with suitable backpacks to carry the tired kids - older is only 5.5yrs old so still need some help), we try to go to musical performances, plays, to the restaurant .. Of course it's not the same as being only adults and we have to compromise a bit more but the more they grow up and the easier it gets and in the meanwhile I love seeing them discover new things!
I hate parents evening, PTA, holidays centred around kids (butlins and the like), junk food etc so I stay away from those and my kids do not feel they are not missing out. Yes I do compromise and will go to play centres for parties I suppose :)

It's the guilt about finding it a slog that's difficult to handle, emotionally.

When you are pregnant - guilt because your diet is shit & you just want it to end (I had hyperemesus with all)
Guilt when they are born because you feel shit & sore and you resent the sleep deprivation.
Guilt that you don't like being at home all day. Guilt about going back to work. Guilt about nursery. Guilt about school. Guilt about screens, and shit food, and hiding in the bathroom. Guilt about the wine and the hangovers and the CBeebies babysitter.

If we didn't have that guilt perhaps we'd enjoy it more? Or perhaps if we didn't have that guilt we would be very good parents?

I don't know but it's not what I thought it was. Wish I had been more thoughtful about it.

People who feel they are missing out - do you try to get your kids involved in what you like?

Yes and they moan incessantly. I love to sing they tell me to be quiet, won't join in. I try to show them something on the guitar, they aren't interested. I love art and craft, they don't want me involved when they decide to make/paint something. Even the mere suggestion of a walk or a bike ride prompts a full on melt down from the eldest.

They'd happily plonk themselves in front of TV all day - which we don't allow - cue more moaning.

I dont have that guilt tho. I praise myself for being human and doing my best. It doesnt have be perfect it just is everyday brings a new experience, good or bad. If theyre mostly good we are doing ok (-:

Yes we did
But both our dc were very travel sick and felt ill with travel sickness tablets do we cd only travel at night
For eg it took us 16 hours to get to our British holiday destination once and with all the tears and feeling ill it wasn't worth it . Ditto planes . So two travelers - who had imagined taking dc with them
Couldn't go an hour even away from home as it wasn't worth it .sick at 15 mins or 20 was very normal .
It was our thing as a couple which we wanted to share with dc v much ... we did feel hemmed in for some years .
Then one dc was very good at a sport which he did when older each summer Saturday and often Sunday and my dh or I took him whilst the other was with the other dc who had no intrest in that sport so we had little time together .
We have always as a family enjoyed British beach holidays tho - when we eventually got there .

And sometimes you need to lower the bar. Waffles and nuggets; a dvd afternoon, the odd night not bathing just a catlick and clean teeth.

I understand Gertrude
Especially if it seems like others don't find it a slog
Then you feel more different and guilty !!
My s i l has decided that she won't have d c as she knows that she wd be depressed having to do things a lot she really doesn't want to do - her words - wish I'd had that emotional self knowledge ( like you say , wish been able to thknk it through more )

I only regret it in the sense that I thought I'd be better at it than I am. Every day I feel like I let my kids down, that I'm not the mum I thought I'd be and my kids deserve better. I love them, of course I do, but I sometimes wish I hadn't brought them into this horrible world ☹️

I bet if you asked parents of teens you'd get slightly different results!

I don't regret it, but I've come to realise that I really don't have the skill set to deal with teens positively and effectively...I'm sick of the sound of my own voice tbh like now when it's the fifth time I've asked dd to load the dishwasher ...I feel they resent me and in turn I feel like a naggy old git

I wasn't the motherly type iykwim- fell into it by accident- but really REALLY enjoyed having under 11s. The Secondary Years I've found are a bit of a schlep