To think regretting having children is almost the norm

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I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

Nice to know so many people think I am 'odd' or 'bizarre' for regretting a decision that left me ill, miserable and occasionally suicidal for 5 years. I feel like a shell of the vivacious person I was before becoming pregnant.

I think what im trying to say is that i dont regret it but i thought it would be a lot more fun. It's not.

I dont regret my D.C. one bit.

But I do recognise the negative impact they've had on my marriage, my stress levels, and my emotions. Luckily there have also been big positives too.

I was young, unemployed, isolated from family , in a hostel and in an unstable relationship when I had my first. It was a difficult birth and I developed postnatal depression. There were times I thought I wasn't a good enough parent and regretted having a baby because they didn't deserve a fuck up for a mum. I trained got a job a house and married a decent guy and went on to have more children. I was going to say I regret the timing but not the child but then realised if I hadn't been through all u have I wouldn't be half the person I am. So no I couldn't regret it and I don't think it's the norm for most people the majority of the time.

I disagree! I can completely understand missing the 'pre-nest' days of freedom and disposable income, that's for sure, don't get me wrong, but not to the point of 'regretting' having a child.
My 1 year old LO was a 'surprise', and I ended up having to raise her alone (and when I say alone, it's completely alone, as I have no family in the UK). It is bloody tough and I crash in bed before she does most nights and wake up at 11pm exhausted and sometimes I end up crying as, since I am a single mum working FT, I still have to : do the washing up, clear the bath, iron the clothes for the day after, take out the trash, and clean the floor which is usually covered in all sorts of baby food Etc.. before I finish my report for work and can finally get back into bed around 2am for another 3-4 hour sleep!
It's really hard, children are time-consuming, emotionally-draining, frustrating, tiring, scary at times etc.. but they make things so much better too. I would never want to go back to my pre-baby life of being a work-a-holic and having a social life listening to so many so called 'friends' moaning about their life. So called friends who you end up never ever seeing again once you have a child and they realise they don't want to see you in the afternoon for tea with baby, as they can only chat to you when there's alcohol involved and they are the centre of your attention! Just saying.. ;)

It's tough at times but I never regret having my children

I don't have any, but all of my friends hate when their kids grow up and love the tiny baby years, several have another each time they gt past toddler stage with the previous and hate them growing up.

Agree with malificent7. I'd like to have a child, but I hate the idea of becoming a "mum". To me, that seems like the worst bit...

I'm a single mum in mid 20's and I think I kind of get what you're getting at OP.
I sometimes find myself hampering for the life I had and all my friends are still having.
All of my friends were same age or younger than me so they continue to go about living a young free lifestyle whereas I have the responsibility of being a parent to stop me. Many of my friends haven't even seen or spoken to me in 2 years, after the novelty of me having a new baby wore off and they grew bored of me having to decline yet another night out.
I sometimes find myself getting angry and jealous of DS's dad when he can do what he wants when he wants still, despite the fact he is as much as a parent as I am yet doesn't have any of the downsides of being so. Tonight for example I had a very dear friend from work who is moving away to another country so leaving drinks were arranged but I couldn't go as I had to go straight home and he a mother, DS's dad then called me to cancel on his weekend next week as he fancies a night out after payday .

On the whole though, I don't ever regret having a child and would never give up the life I have now to have my old life back, I just sometimes wish it was possible to find a happy medium where I could squeeze in time for myself, even if it was just to be able to have a bath that lasted longer than 10 minutes, or a night out more than once a year.

There was an article in the guardian about this recently. It is taboo to say it. I have certainly had those conversations with friends and I think it's more common than we think. But not the norm. Having said that last nights bedtime I would have happily handed mine over to the circus/zoo/space program. I do miss my life before but I couldn't have lived like that forever.

Whilst i dont regret dd at all, i really cant relate to mums who love every second of child rearing.
I think there is a lot of pressure to love motherhood when in reality i find it quite draining but with some monents of joy. It is a boring slog for the most part but their are moments of joy.
At the mohent dd is very jealous of my bf. He is the love of my life and i wish he was her dad.. perhaps then we could relax and enjoy each other without jealous tantrums.

I'd like to have a child, but I hate the idea of becoming a "mum".

My children are not allowed to use that word

I'm Mummy.

And as for if I ever have the luck to become the mother of a child who has a child ... we've been looking at how they describe that relationship in other languages : )

Because I sure ain't gonna be GRANNY!!!!!

I don't regret it in the slightest - I was just thinking yesterday that no work of Art I could produce, no novel I could write, nothing is as life-fulfillingly amazing as this work of helping to form well-rounded, happy, healthy and good human beings. It is the one thing I do not regret in life.

Agreed parenthood can be exhausting, hard work and downright infuriating at times, and I have had my 'why did I do this to myself?' moments! But I have never actually regretted it for one moment. Kudos to you for admitting your real thoughts though and you shouldn't be demonised for that (I hate the fact we all have to be seen to tow-the-populist-line on social media these days). You are perfectly entitled to those feelings.
However, I do think that nothing worth having in life is easy. Sometimes we've just got to make a decision and make the best of it. Positive thinking. Imagine when you are older and you and your kids are there for each other in ways you never thought possible.

I just feel like I've missed out on so much. I would love to finish my MA, do a PhD, write a book, travel. I travelled after uni and loved it and now that door is closed.

We can't afford to take our kids travelling, we can barely afford a UK holiday.. 4 yr old dd regularly refuses to walk a mile, we endure endless whining, dragging, tantrums, so our days of hill walking are over.

She melted my heart yesterday in a mother's day assembly at school, I was so proud of her. But then we get home and back to the screaming, shouting, ordering.

I don't regret them, but I wouldn't encourage people to have kids. I have completely lost who I was or who I could have been. By the time they are grown and gone, it will be too late.

Huckle don't you think it mainly comes down to your support network rather than the children themselves? Sounds like you need a bit of a break from the grind. A committed other person such as a granny can make all the difference to sanity.

I regret it, but my son is disabled, has a rare genetic condition and is non verbal and hard work - not what I signed up for. I love him with all my heart, but wish I had never decided to have kids...

Huckle, I felt a bit like you at that stage: I did have a PhD but with a disabled and highly demanding child the glorious academic career I had dreamt of was evaporating very quickly and I was never going to write those books. I am now in my 50s, both children pretty well independent and I reckon I still have 15 years of active work in me. I am writing those books now! I am bounding with energy- and all the more so because I know what it was like not to have any.

I think often people who regret having children have some MH issues which cloud their perspective. I had PND after my 2nd and regretted having children for a couple of years (still loved them fiercely, but felt I had made a mistake and wasn't cut out for being a parent) Have since had another (surprise) baby and whilst I am permanently knackered and have low days, I adore my children and am so glad I'm a parent. But no, I don't think it's close to the norm (though it's still taboo to say it so there are probably more who regret it at times than are willing to admit it). Sounds like your circle are unusually honest about their feelings!

I sometimes get a glimpse of the life I might have had. Childless friends whose careers really took off. I was ambitious, I was expected, by myself and others, to progress quite rapidly. I worked hard, was good at my job. I have no doubt I could have been head of my dept. I met (ex)dH when I was in my early 30's, struggled to conceive, had dc in late 30's. Yes it was my career that had to radically shift and change to accommodate them. It took a very different route.

It was the road not taken, and there are huge attractions to aspects of it. I'm sure that if we had not conceived I would have still been happy, my life would only have to accommodate my then dh, we would have traveled more, my career would not have stalled in the middle like it did.

If I had not married then, again, my life would have been different, more free, independent. I would have emigrated, I'm sure about that.

Any of these paths would have positives and negatives. In my view It's not about the choices I made but how I deal with the results of them. Regret is a bit of a waste of head space. The choice was made, we have to deal with it as best we can.

I would have loved to have had the high flying career I dreamed of, I would love to have NOT had to go through the dc's teens, or a divorce, I would love it if dc3 could finally find a job and leave home. But there have been some circumstances beyond my control as well as the choices we make.

I think most of us just get on with it and try to enjoy the life we've got rather than long for the fantasy one we didn't get.

Not for a moment have I regretted my dc. It can be a hard slog and some days/months feel like groundhog day and its taken our 3rd dc to make everything settle. With 3 we had no choice but to relax into parenting and make compromises for while they were young that meant we were enjoying our family instead of stressed and highly strung with 2 dd's with 14 months between them. It makes everything so much easier. Day trips are family friendly and to be honest pretty much the same as what we did when we were kids because we want to pass on those memories to our children. We have accepted that for the next few years we will stick with lazy beachside holidays an hour from our own door. We go to the same coast town we both went to as kids and have such lovely memories from. Its relaxing, calming and not hard work at all. A foreign holiday would be hard work which we are not prepared to do.

Our oldest is 8 and we are together 17 years. We did years of travelling, eating out, nights out and heading off at the drop of a hat. Had 2 houses, good jobs and college degrees and a huge wedding. So honestly neither of us feel like we are missing out. It helps that my parents are young still and they have gone back to the stage of life where they suit no one but themselves. 3 cruises a year, new cars and travels so we can see that once the kids are out of the house we can do it all again. We plan to bring our dc with us to travel when they are older, I will have the time to go back to college just because its a course I always wanted to do and are aware the time when they are small goes by quickly, that grind will be short lived in the grand scheme of things.

I could see how if you missed out on those things you would feel regret at having children, but maybe its not the children but the circumstances and not feeling "ready".

I had to look my best friend in her eyes everyday for 2 years after she lost her dc very suddenly. One day they were in school and the next tragically gone. Each day she had to cope, had to go on for her other dc and be there for them at the same school gate, walking the same route. It really affected me, I could never ever regret becoming a parent, and personally it has made me a better and stronger person.

I think regret is the wrong word. Because it's completely negative. I've had a tough time with my kids, awful pregnancies, births, PND and just generally feeling like I can't cope. But I'm not sure I'd say I regret them, they are people, they are here and most of the time they amaze me and are so unbelievably wonderful.
I think life is hard mo matter what your choices are, I think know if I hadn't had them I probably would have been lonely and miserable, and all the nights out and holidays in the world could not fill that gaping hole.

Having kids is the hardest thing in the world, but perhaps not having them would be harder?

I only know of one friend who openly admits (in private to closest friends, obviously) that she wishes she had never had children. She is currently experiencing a life crisis however (considering ending her marriage, having doubts about sexuality, her vocation, lots of other 'what might have beens'.)

I think most people go through days, or even weeks, where they feel it is a thankless task and wistfully think back to the pre-kids days. But given a time machiner to go back and never ever meet them? NO chance.

So, from my experience, I think it is quite wrong to say that most people regret it. quite the opposite in my circle of friends (although broadly speaking we all started our families in late 30s/ early 40s, with established careers, travelling/ holidays and stuff like that under our belts. So it felt like a natural next step rather than anything being sacrificed.)