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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
OopsieDaisy · 22/03/2017 20:57

I have two lovely kids DD5 and DS7 and we have been thinking about a third for a long time. One thing that keeps me holding onto the idea of having a third is that one day I will regret not doing it. You'll never regret having children. I think you might just be a bit new to the idea...or grieving your old freedom which is normal.

Katedotness1963 · 22/03/2017 20:57

I've never regretted having our boys. Due to infertility they were a long time coming but have been well worth the wait.

My mum regretted having kids. She often told us how much better her life could have been if she hadn't. That stays with you...

ginorwine · 22/03/2017 20:57

I loved the toddler and baby years when they were portable

Long walks with babies in pram and backpack was enjoyable and easy
It was more the middle years - sleepovers etc -
I enjoyed teens tho can be hair raising at times . But I like that they introduce their friends and their world .

ginorwine · 22/03/2017 21:03

Kate
That's hard
I was close to my dad when I was older but he was clear that he didn't want kids
Described them as parasitic
I think that having regretted my decision or at least struggled I have always wanted to protect my own kids from ever even thinking this as I wd hate them to know my struggles - I was given the same message and no way did I want my kids to feel how I felt
I think I have over compensated as a result and tried to be good mum and put my own things I'd like to do aside .

VerbenaGirl · 22/03/2017 21:08

No regrets here. It's insanely hard work, and most days are crazy. But I still wouldn't change it.

falange · 22/03/2017 21:11

Yabu. It's not the norm. I've never once regretted having mine. I've never heard any of my friends, family or colleagues ever say they regretted having theirs. You'd have to be a terribly selfish person to think that way.

Jas2004 · 22/03/2017 21:12

I wouldn't have thought that it was the norm to regret having children maybe it's how some people feel but they don't usually express it due to the taboo. I do think people have children without thinking about it, I know people who got married and had children as that's what you do. They don't appear to enjoy being parents. Personally I believe that being a mum is a privilege and raising children is an amazing experience, I do appreciate not all parents feel that way.

Newmother8668 · 22/03/2017 21:13

I usually hear this view from people in marriages or relationships that aren't that happy and both of them haven't done much in their life. As for me, I'm 40, achieved all I wanted to and carefully chose who I had a baby with. It may be hard work, but we are both really happy and feel blessed. You mentioned that you and your friends are all under 28, so I could see me regretting it at that age. Basically, you won't be able to do as much for a long time and by the time they are out of the house, you'll be older where having the energy to do stuff will be more difficult.

Jas2004 · 22/03/2017 21:14

Kate, I understand where you are coming from and it does stay with you. X

lizzieoak · 22/03/2017 21:50

Well, I've never regretted having kids, though I regretted the behaviour of one of them when that one was a teen. But having kids is the best thing I've ever done. I loved the baby & little stage, I was tired but not unbearably.

feedingducks · 22/03/2017 21:58

I think some of the women who regret children had them in a strong enjoyable relationship as an extension of that relationship. Thus, all the happy experiences, holidays, dates, general loveliness, was finished by having a baby. The fantasy of it does not match the reality. Rather than a loving couple gazing into the eyes of a sleeping infant, there are colicky sleepless nights, tiredness, arguments, no sex, resentment and a general wish that things were how they used to be. In that case raising a child must look like 18 long years with a realisation that by that point, half your adult life will be over and your relationships will be lucky to survive and even if it does, it will never be the same as it was. I never had a relationship to ruin, so I have nothing to regret my children for. They have completed my life.

Ellapaella · 22/03/2017 22:06

Not enjoying every single thing about being a parent is not the same as actually regretting having had them. Of course most of us would agree that parenting is tough and makes us feel constantly guilty and challenged but I can't believe that someone would actually regret having children because they interfered with their holiday and travel plans.

passportissues123 · 22/03/2017 22:09

It's interfering with the whole of my life that's the issue. I can't make a plan for me anymore. Nor will I for the next 15 years+.

The relentless nature makes holidays a focus because that's supposed to be the down time. Except there is no down time. Ever.

feedingducks · 22/03/2017 22:14

passport I'm presuming from your post that your child is 3. It gets so much more enjoyable as they grow older and become able to communicate and develop into the people they want to be. I remember trying to holiday at that age, it was shit. I was knackered. It wasn't a break so much as more work.
Rather than interfering with all your life your life will become more congruent with theirs, you will plan for 'us' instead of seeing child as something stopping you planning for yourself. There will be down time. It will make the current difficultness worth it and believe me when I say in 10 years you will look back on photos and wish for that time back. People used to say it to me and I was like God, no way my life's a living hell. It was at times, but yes, I'd go back to it. They grow so fast.

Esspee · 22/03/2017 22:34

I don't regret having had children but if I could live my life again, knowing what I know now, I would probably decide to remain childless.

Rosieroundabouts · 22/03/2017 22:51

I definitely regret having my child at the time I did in the circumstances. I was 21 and thought I was a lot more mature than I was. My relationship turned abusive after I fell pregnant.
As a result 4 years later I'm completely on my own with no support from anyone raising a child that doesn't know her father. I find this beyond humiliating especially when people ask. It just doesn't sit well with me morally and I feel deeply ashamed.
I'm also really poor, I feel like I destroyed my chance of getting a decent career and having a normal happy family. I really struggle day to day to with my DD and just feel useless and embarassed.
I love my dd with all my heart and couldn't be without her now but --not that I'd admit it to anyone-- if I had my time again I probably wouldn't have children.

MuncheysMummy · 22/03/2017 22:58

I think that's bloody ungrateful! Coming from someone who struggled to conceive for over 3 years I feel if you decide to have children and are fortunate enough to do so to then regret them is disgusting! Poor children...

Changednamesorry · 22/03/2017 23:00

Don't regret it... don't know anyone who does. Very odd idea...

passportissues123 · 22/03/2017 23:00

feeding My children are 5 and 7. I say so earlier in the thread.

Any tips on how to make myself feel grateful munchey?

RainbowAura · 22/03/2017 23:03

I don't think regret is the rIght word. For me, there are as many pros as there are cons. On one hand, children are parasites, yes, and they will bleed you dry if you let them but they also bring joy, are loving and giving and expand your emotional horizons.

malificent7 · 22/03/2017 23:03

I dont regret dd and i adore her but it is much harder than i thought it would be. I dont love being a mum 100percent. It dosnt define me. A lot of it is quite frankly a slog but there are moments of joy and pride.

Tbh i think oeople w

gamerchick · 22/03/2017 23:05

Hence the reason it's taboo ^^ it's likely we all know people who wouldn't do it again but know if they voiced it they would be hung drawn and quartered.

Struggling to conceive doesn't give you the right to dismiss other people's feelings.

Again people are making out it's to do with the kids. It isn't. It's like they're immediately lumped in with abusice narcs as was touched on earlier Hmm

The silent group of people, who love and parent their kids without voicing anything doesn't seem to occur to anyone. But they're there.

malificent7 · 22/03/2017 23:07

Sorry.. i think people would enjoy there kids more if motherhood wasnt so fetishised nowadays.
Lets get rid of the Cath Kidson, bunting, competetive parenting and NCT natural birth bollocks be honest about the hard graft and bodily fluids and we'd sll be a lot more relaxed. Bring back discipline too i say.

fakenamefornow · 22/03/2017 23:08

I don't think most people regret having children. I do think you're right about it being socially unacceptable to say you do regret it though.

morningconstitutional2017 · 22/03/2017 23:09

I have heard this - one of my colleagues said that if she had her time over again she would not have had children and I thought it was rather sad.
When a friend's children were going through the stroppy teenage years she got very stressed and wished she hadn't bothered, particularly when they were at their most challenging, but those feelings didn't last.