To think my friends have behaved terribly?

[NC543212345]

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

Older children would have a say in what happens to them
I don't think anyone on the outside should judge. Parenting an adopted child is a whole different ball game with little or no support
I don't think siblings should be placed together. Their needs are too great and the trauma bond can make bonding difficult
It's not a popular point of view

I know it's so easy to judge but I have and still am dealing with similar things to them. My youngest has SN and is violent a lot of the time. I don't know if it's different because he is biologically mine but I would never give up on him. The guilt would never leave me.

Is that really true though, OP? Really. I know you believe t to be so with all of your heart. And I can't criticise you for that (even if I am so angry you state it could be because he is biologically yours|). Some adopters such as myself care for the most damaged young people in society. More than you could imagine, and more than I once could.

You talk of a younger son, so you obviously have more. What if your younger son hurt your child, or perhaps a grandchild, or your partner, or your parents. What if they hurt them so badly that their lives were destroyed, what if he killed one of them? Yes, you may feel I am being dramatic, dismiss this as not possible. It is possible. It happens. Could you really support your younger son if he destroyed your entire family? Like you I believed I would always support them, despite my lack of hormones and biology, and I would have laid down my own life for him. But how about laying down the lives of other more vulnerable members of your family? Could you still support him then?

Please think though, OP, your friends cannot tell you the whole story. You are free to talk of your son's problems to those you know and trust, us adoptive and foster parents are not able to do that and therefore can have no emotional support.

I can't actually believe someone derailed a thoughtful and insightful thread by claiming children got put on the at risk register for having messy hair.😔😔😔

It's not a crime to be ignorant of what adoption is about, of the impact of trauma on children and their parents, of the legal basis of adoptive parenting. I don't judge anyone for not knowing and asking questions.

But I do question people who open this thread, read several pages of it (presumably), and then leave a crass comment about people who are journeying through hell.

I also question people who open this thread, don't read any of the thoughtful contributions, and then leave crass comments etc.

The truth is, many people don't want to know. It is very hard to be near that much pain, to acknowledge that there are children in every school who have had appalling early lives. I wonder sometimes if that is an element in people's willingness to believe that children are taken into care for, ooh let's think, messy hair. It's certainly an element in the many, many people who try to 'reassure' adopters that all children do that, that they just need love and boundaries, that they won't remember any of it, that you're a fabulous mother and that's what will count...

Most of my friends are NOT adopters, funnily enough. There are very few who have any idea how hard it is. If I try to tell them, I meet with their studied scepticism: they put their heads on one side and ask, "How old was she when you got her?" And I say, "Yes, she was very young. And I would never have believed how harmed she would be by those early experiences. But she is." And they tell me that she's lovely, that she'll grow out of it, that all will be fine.

She IS lovely. In adoption terms, I am probably near the shallow end of the pool. My dd is bright, beautiful and loving. But she is also angry, violent, controlling, and incredibly distressed. I still sleep with her, I still go to the bathroom with her - she has too much fear to be on her own. It is exhausting to live with. It is quite unlike parenting my birth child. We are nowhere near disruption, and I love her so very much, but there is no doubt that my wish for another child has brought an avalanche of chaos into our lives.

Her therapist gets it. Other adoptive parents get it. I just wish sometimes my friends and family would get it.

Today 16:53 DistanceCall

I agree with you, OP. When you adopt children, they ARE your children. You don't get to return them to the shop.

How many children have you adopted distance, how old were they when you adopted them and what strategies did you use to make sure they were just like your birth children? Did you get any support from SS or adoption agency? Be truthful....

TheHouseofIllRepute - you're right, it is an unpopular view that siblings should be separated. I would have been shocked by that a few years ago. Now, I don't think it's always true, but I agree that it is often true.

I also understand, now, why so many children awaiting adoption are not offered to families with birth children.

While the OP's first post was very misguided, I am glad to have had the opportunity to read some of the experiences of adoptive parents on this thread -it will certainly help me to better understand my own friends who have adopted and have had a hard time of it.

You are all courageous and inspiring parents, thank you for sharing your stories.

That's a lovely thing to say, GrumpyOldBag.

I haven't read the Tull thread due to being exhausted after a long and hard weekend with my adopted daughter age 8 who has been with us since 12 months. I'm rather depressed and dejected after trying to calm down episodes of avoidant attachment disorder and dissociative identity disorder all weekend, plus I haven't had a day in quite a few months where I haven't been called into school, had exclusions etc

I just wanted to say with friends like you who needs enemies, if you can't be supportive fuck off and mind your own fucking business.

What an extremely judgemental friend you are!
Adoptions are very tricky and often break down. And the support there once was is no longer there in SS, due to lack of funding.
You have no idea what they are going through.

Another adopter here. I've not posted before so be gentle. In all honesty OP your friends have probably got so much upset and misery in their lives at the moment they hopefully will not notice your lack of support, empathy or kindness, at least I hope they don't. They were obviously massively keen to be parents, believe me you do not go though the adoption process (often after multiple miscarriages, failed IVF and other difficult and traumatic experiences) unless you are really, really desperately keen to be a Mum or Dad. Once the placement has failed they will not be able to adopt another child, they are coming to terms with being childless for the rest of their lives. However disappointed you evidently are in them for their perceived inability to make it work it will not come close to how much they are beating themselves up and how much grief they are dealing with. You will not have witnessed the reality of what that placement was like. The only people who really know what it was like are your friends and they may well be so hurt, damaged and shell shocked that they will never fully recover. Dealing with your judgemental attitude is the very least of their worries. We adopted 3 children over 10 years ago, I've been held at knife point by a primary aged child, my husband has had his ribs broken, we've had money stolen (hundreds and hundred's of pounds), thousands of pounds worth of damage to home and possessions. I won't bore you with the details but it was the level of violence and abuse we've dealt with over the years I would not wish on my worse enemy. Some friends have fallen by the wayside but thankfully I've found many new friends, some adopters, some not, but unfailingly people who want to be there for me, my husband and our children in a non judgemental way - thank God for them - they have kept me sane when I've been pretty close to the edge! If you cannot face your friends how about a card just saying your cannot come close to imagining what they are going through and that they are in your thoughts. If you cannot be in their lives then perhaps it's for the best, but try not to judge them as you really have no idea.................

Oliver - you really are a fuckwit but your complete idiocy has made me laugh on what otherwise would be a very sober thread.

Other adopters - dig in there x

Beautifully put keeks. Exactly what I wanted to say but I was too mad.

Like I said, I might be taking it too personally due to my sons similar issues

Your son doesn't have 'similar issues', he is not adopted.

But bright side, you get to feel like an amazing parent for putting up with your son for so long

Ditto! Very well said Keeks

I knew someone who's adoptive child attempted to rape their daughter but was caught in the act. This is just one example of a reason why you may not be able to carry on with an adoptive child.

Anyone who says their child is 'on the at risk register' is highly likely to be talking utter bullshit because there is no such thing and hasn't been for a very, very long time.

Children who are under the highest level of surveillance from SS whilst still in the care of their family are subject to Child Protection Plans.

I agree with Grumpy, thanks to all adopters who have posted with their own experiences it's eye opening and important for those of us who haven't been through it to read.
OP - I imagine this couple are your friends because you like them, get on with them and feel they are generally good people? Based on what you have read here I hope you might understand that it is unlikely to be as simple as they just need to try harder and that they are probably going through utter hell at the moment and need support or judgement from their friends.

This thread is making me very uncomfortable, not because I'm not humbled reading the many personal and insightful posts by adopters, but because while disruption isn't uncommon, one that has happened this week involving siblings of that particular sex will be. Which makes it very identifiable. And this thread probably has a Daily Mail journo knocking one out somewhere, lord knows they hate adoptive parents enough. How heartbroken will those parents be if this gets in the press? I honestly think it should be locked, and I never say that about threads on forums

As for all the 'I'd like to adopt one day' posts, well there's nothing stopping you is there, other than you're not actually being serious

**not judgement

Well said Keeks. Always so easy to know what you would do until you are put in that situation.

And floating that is a good point too. Sometimes the placement cannot work out because of the risk to the family's safety. I doubt the OP would be prepared to live with the risk of her family being physically harmed. Just because your son has SN does not mean that you on any level understand the challenges of adopting, OP.

God, I hope the friends have others in their lives who are more supportive. It would cut me up if I had to deal with being ostracised as well as a placement breakdown.

BTW I'm an adoptive mum too and so far have been lucky in that any issues our boy may or may not help haven't manifested themselves yet. That's not saying they won't as he's only four and still doesn't really 'get' the adoption thing yet. Who knows what may happen when he does though.

I've heard of a sibling pair disrupt (maybe from here or fertility friends I forget) as the elder child while still only little was just too violent to the younger and missed his FCs too much to even want to bond with the APs. Luckily they got to keep the younger child but I bet anything they had judgey 'friends' drawing their own conclusions from that. But from her story they had absolutely zero choice.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017

"I don't think it's like Dogs Trust where you get to hand them back tbh!!"

Bear with me.

I took on a wonderful rescue dog, though kind to humans and great in the house, he was a monster to other dogs outside although I was sold otherwise.
More times than not I drove home in tears after yet another dog fight.

I had to make a choice. Live with his behaviour or rehome?

I chose him to live with me. Reason being, what if his new owner wasn't as tolerant as me? What if they smacked him or worse?

I decided that I'd rather cope myself with all his problems than spend years worrying as to how the new owners may treat him. Less kindly than me?

This surely is how the adoptive parents are feeling? Shall they go or should they stay?
Put up with the bad behaviour or pass them on to give us back our peaceful life?

As the adoptive parents I'd still want the child with me or else he/she may not be treated kindly elsewhere. Can they live with that thought? I couldn't.

A year is nothing in the life of a child to get them stabilised.

Oh do shut up high
What a load of bollocks