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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends have behaved terribly?

322 replies

NC543212345 · 20/03/2017 13:02

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

OP posts:
PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus · 20/03/2017 13:21

I feel sorry for all involved and I certainly wouldn't judge the parents. I doubt it's a decision they've come to lightly and they will be feeling incredibly guilty. Unfortunately support for adoptive parents is often minimal with social workers stretched to breaking point and ridiculous waiting lists for CAMHS referrals. Attachment disorders are not uncommon in children in care awaiting adoption and can manifest themselves in ways that would place the parents and any other family members at risk of harm. It's naive to think that a bad start can be overcome by love alone, but it's still desperately sad - for all concerned - when an adoption breaks down.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 13:21

I doubt you have a clue as to the actual situation, OP, but you probably shouldn't be around your "friends" if you're going to judge them and be so horrible about them. They don't need people like you.

PinkFlamingo545 · 20/03/2017 13:23

I hate people like this, that take a tragedy and turn it around to be, somehow, about them

They are probably better off with out the OP as a friend, to be fair

arielmanto · 20/03/2017 13:23

Your poor friends will be going through hell. Adopting one has been a rollercoaster for us - two at the same time is a thousandfold harder. You can't know or imagine what either of those girls has been through - you don't mention their ages but given that there are two of them the eldest at least must have borne witness to some terrible things before she was placed for adoption. Our ADD is one, was removed from birth parents at a day old, and will never ever be "normal" due to the the substance abuse she was exposed to in utero. For a child with that start to then also have had exposure to abuse, and neglect, can be catastrophic. They may end up needing permanent expert foster care.
Maybe try talking to your friends to understand their situation, asking if there's anything you can do to help. But maybe don't, if you really can't take your judgy pants off.

Lugeeta · 20/03/2017 13:24

Quite a lot of adoptions break down. Some children have been so damaged by their birth families that they are unable to form bonds with new parents and having them in the house can become unatenable, especially if there are other children in the household. I wouldn't judge the parents at all, they are probably heatbroken that it didn't work out. Attachment disorder is awful for everyone.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 20/03/2017 13:24

Actually, I don't think it is for you to judge. This can't have been an easy decision for them. Though, I feel extreme sympathy for those girls.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 20/03/2017 13:24

i know of two sets of adoptive parents who each adopted a very, very troubled sibling pair. Each was promised lots of support and therapeutic input.

After the adoption, it transpired that the needs of all of the children were far greater than anyone realised. Not only that, the promised support and therapeutic input never materialised. Each case was just horribly sad for everyone - the children and the parents.

Laiste · 20/03/2017 13:24

... I would never give up on him. The guilt would never leave me.

And the guilt will probably never leave them and they'll know that. A lot of us do things which we know will never leave us the same, but we have to do them anyway :(

We're hearing about this situation 3rd hand. We don't know what's gone on. You can feel how you like OP, but no one here has the right to judge those people based on your tit bits of info and i think it's unfair to them to invite us to.

drquin · 20/03/2017 13:24

Whilst it'll be an awful situation for the children I'm quite sure, it won't be easy for your friends to admit the adoption is failing either. They'll have gone through so much before bring matched with the children, precisely to mitigate this happening. So I'd like to think I wouldn't judge quite so easily.

In terms of you not "giving up" on your own child, I'm quite sure that's how you feel now, as sure as I would be in thinking your friends never imagined they'd be in a position of " giving up" on their children. But I'm also sure it's not something you can truly know until you're in that exact position, unfortunately.

If your friendship is genuine, then please don't give up on them during the most difficult days of their lives. This is about them, not you, if you need to say something, then "I can't begin to imagine what you're going through" is honest and true, but non-judgemental.

B1rdonawire · 20/03/2017 13:25

Perhaps during the trauma, grief and guilt the adopters are about to go through, they will need their real friends. I imagine they have also needed them a lot during the past year, but sadly it's really really common for friends and family to drop away after adoptions because the reality is too tough for them to take. I have no idea what your friends, or their girls have gone through. I hope that your friends would not do something so re-traumatising to the girls without a huge reason to do so. I also hope that all other avenues have been explored by SWs, but I know that post-adoption support varies hugely by area and in some places is non-existant. This is a tragedy for all concerned. If you really want to know what might accompany "temper tantrums", take a look at the forums on Adoption UK - you can read all about child-parent violence, attachment disorders, neurological damage, secondary trauma, and other sadnesses. It takes huge strength, training, insight and a lot of help for parents to heal their children through those. It can be further complicated when there is more than one child and there could be a trauma bond. I hope all concerned get the support they need for the right outcome.

GloucestershireGuy · 20/03/2017 13:26

I bet there are a lot of parents who would probably give their children back if they could but they don't get that option unlike adoptive parents.

Thing is, you have to go through a VERY rigorous vetting process (I know two couples who have done it and it took well over a year), so they must have been considered strong, sensible people who could cope. If it's broken down, they must have struggled for some time.

I can see why it's hard not to judge because of understandable feelings for the poor children, but it's not black and white and you won't know half of what has been going on I suspect.

Serin · 20/03/2017 13:29

I personally think your friends are doing the right thing.
No child should live in a home where it is resented.

So sad.

pleasecomesoonspring · 20/03/2017 13:29

Taking on a damaged child is so much harder than I ever expected, mines been with me nearly 5 years and is still severely traumatised.
I only have the one and its broken me, I cannot imagine having two!
It is horrible for the children but also for the parents and quite frankly it has nothing to do with you

Namesarehard · 20/03/2017 13:31

Genuine question. If someone was to hand back (for want of a better phrase) their adopted children, can they adopt again?

TwentyCups · 20/03/2017 13:31

This is very common sadly. Adoption is always about what is in the best interests of thr child and unfortunately some children just can't live well and be happy and supported in a family set up. A year is a very long time in a child's life. SS don't just take adopted children back on a whim, this will have been a big decision on all parts. YABU to judge. This is not comparable to a parent walking out on their kids when family life gets hard and they miss being single, but you are judging as though you think that's the case.

NavyandWhite · 20/03/2017 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crusoe · 20/03/2017 13:33

Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever done, so much harder than I thought. We are hanging on by the skin of our teeth and a couple of times we have nearly disrupted. We have biro no friends left from our old life as they couldn't or wouldn't understand our child's problems and behaviour. My mental health has suffered hugely.
Please try not to judge your friends. As non adopters you simply cannnot understand and I can assure you they will not have arrived at this decision lightly.

1nsanityscatching · 20/03/2017 13:33

So sad for all the family both children and parents. They must have been through hell and they will no doubt be feeling trauma and guilt for years to come. If you can't support them freely and honestly then I think you should stay away tbh as your judgement is the last thing they need or deserve.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/03/2017 13:34

I am honestly staggered not just at the lack of empathy but the very limited imaginations of some posters.

Original poster
NC543212345 · 20/03/2017 13:34

You are all right, I shouldn't judge as I've not been in their position. I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't help it. I can't help but feel so angry on behalf of the girls. They are lovely children but obviously have had a lot of trauma.

I've tried talking through what works for us. Im no expert in children but have had to deal with a lot from DS and we've sat and had some very honest chats. Ive given them what I feel is really good advice, they try it and then complain that they are back to square one with them the next day. That's children for you though, isn't it? They are a never ending battle of wills.

I'm not sure I can speak with them without showing how I feel right now so I will stay away from them.
It probably is ridiculously judgemental of me but I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:
Nannplum666 · 20/03/2017 13:35

We adopted 2 children last year and tbh unless you have adopted you have no idea how hard it is. Those parents will be going through hell in the thought of the adoption breaking down and will no doubt have loved them and had such a hard time coming to that decision.
It is likely that after a year they haven't applied for the adoption order so legally the girls will still be under the local authority's care. You can (as we did) apply for the adoption order after 10 weeks of them being placed with you but often people wait if there are behavioural and medical issues while they are waiting to see what support they can be provided or any further testing that can be provided.
Our DD and DS were both under 2 when they came home last year and are only 9 months apart. It was (and still is) bloody hard. They had been in foster care since birth but had no boundaries set, very little time away from home, no holidays, no day trips, little development done with them and particularly DD was very hard work when she came home with tantrums, climbing everything and generally not a very happy girl.
Fast forward 12 months and they are progressing really well but we were both off for a good few months when they came home and my husband has been a stay at home dad since then.
I think you are being very harsh and I hope you don't say anything.
Friends are there to support one another and you cant even look them in the eye ?!?
I have had a decrease in my friends circle over the last 12 months as both kids are a handful but good friends will be there for you through everything.
Adoption breakdown is very common (especially in older children) as often information about children is not fully explained or not even told to the adoptive parents. We certainly found out alot more after they had come home and we have a number of potential future problems such as FASD, ADHD and autism but we love them both - they are our world!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/03/2017 13:36

Staying away would be kinder than speaking your mind so that seems sensible.

GloucestershireGuy · 20/03/2017 13:37

I totally agree with your last post that you should stay away from them. They will be better off without you and they can find some nicer friends who have at least one shred of empathy with them.

HopefulHamster · 20/03/2017 13:40

How old are they?

I would go away and read about failed adoptions and then come back to this thread and say if your mind has been changed.

Failed adoptions are exactly why adoptions are not a cure-all for infertility. Looked after an adopted child who may have serious issues is very very hard. It's not for everyone. It can be unspeakably hard. I don't think I could do it, and so I don't judge those who do and fail.

Crusoe · 20/03/2017 13:40

OP adopted children who have suffered neglect, abuse and trauma need a totally different sort of parenting. Your advice is probably frankly useless.