To think my friends have behaved terribly?

[NC543212345]

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

I am afraid I too would judge. I have never adopted a child, but I know many adopted children come with significant issues that may never be resolved. And I agree a year is not very long. It took over a year for our rescued badly treated pets to begin to trust us, and they are more straightforward than a child.

greedycushionhoarder has explained very well - and heartbreakingly - why some adoptions disrupt, and how some adopters develop a kind of secondary trauma.

It's already been said, but let me explain again to those indignantly complaining that they don't have the option to give THEIR child back: once you have legally adopted a child, you are the same as any other parent. You don't just get to change your mind - JUST AS IF YOU WERE A BIRTH PARENT, you may reach a point where social services take your child into care.

There is a period before the legal adoption order - about 6-12 months when the child/ren lives with you but is not legally yours. During this time there are regular review meetings with social workers to ensure it is working out. If it isn't, the child/ren may get removed. OP says children had been there for a year so my guess is that it had not proceeded to final adoption order. Social workers would not proceed if they weren't convinced this family could last.

Somebody asked if they would be allowed to adopt again. Almost certainly, no. This was probably their one chance of parenthood.

A few people suggested that though they could imagine the early months would be tough, after a year the child should be 'settled'. Can I say, like other adopters on this thread that adoption has been about the hardest thing I have done in my life, that the support is dire, and the isolation can be intense.

My own observation of adoption is that social workers encourage adopters to think that adoption is totally set apart from any other kind of parenting. You can see that reflected in some of the comments from adopters on this thread. I get why they do this but I actually think it can inhibit adopters from building support networks with those with birth children as they feel that people with birth children can't understand. Actually parenting is hard, and has different challenges for everyone and adopters could I think get some excellent support from other parents. Actually, quite a lot of us have adopted children AND birth children, so have a pretty clear sense of what is similar and what is different. I also don't know any adoptive parents who don't built support networks with other parents - I have genuinely never seen this happen. But it IS alienating when everyone tells you, constantly, that 'all children do this' or 'they just need lots of love' when you know that just isn't so.

Greedy - thanks for sharing your insights - so upsetting to read. I really hope that there will be good times ahead for you after all you've been through.
I worry when people talk about considering adoption - as have heard so many awful stories of families being badly affected - the optimism and hope of a new family not turning out that way.

A friend of mine had a failed adoption. They were not given the full information they should have been given about the children to start with. The older child turned out to be very violent, they asked and asked for help but didnt get. In the end the child had to go back - after about a year. My friend was devastated, she thought of him as her own child, but social services had decided they weren't able to meet his needs - it was not my friends choice. Even more sadly was the case that they hadn't fully finalised the adoption as they were told when they did it would no longer be up to social services to give them any support - which they didn't get anyway. If they had finalised the adoption it would have been harder for the children to be taken off them There was a full investigation and the social services came out of it very badly - lots of messages for the future, but sadly that didn't help my friend

I agree with you, OP. When you adopt children, they ARE your children. You don't get to return them to the shop.

I am afraid I too would judge

And maybe you shouldn't do that until you have an idea of what the experience is like.

I have never adopted a child

Uh huh, there you go

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls. One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young. 'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I am so sorry I have not had time to read the whole thread, but as an adoptive parent of 4 who has also fostered for many years, 6 on a permanent basis (at different times) I wanted to let you know my thoughts. Again apologies if this thread has moved on.

I never thought I could give on a child, regardless of their behaviour, medical difficulties, violence or so on. A couple of years ago we did. We have not been able to tell anyone, even our closest friends, or families what really went on. Some friends, and certainly neighbours, have also kept their distance from us since then, they have made their judgements on us. We can never tell anyone of the reason as we have to protect the child's privacy. We have to accept that people may have gossiped about us, and like you say not wanted to be around us anymore. It's part of the job we cannot defend ourselves. We feel very lonely sometimes but again we have to accept that, we cannot tell anyone.

As I am anonymous on here I can tell you that this child destroyed our lives, and that of our adopted children (now adult|). He stole our life savings, and that was actually the lesser of the things he did. Everything we have worked for in a financial sense has gone, and therefore the future we have planned for gone also. One particular thing he did has destroyed my life completely. It was beyond words, beyond anything I ever feared could have happened even in my wildest dreams. We are no pushovers, we have looked after child from horrific pasts, we are thought of as the most experienced carers and some of the cases would make the front page of the tabloids. But what this child did was beyond all that. We got him the help and support we thought he needed, we forgave, we moved on, we gave chances and then more. One day we had to give up on him. Our lives will never be the same again, perhaps most of all because we loved him so very much.

But as I say we cannot tell any of this to friends or family, who view us as we do your (ex) friends. Obviously I know nothing of your friend's decision and what they have had to deal with. But I do know one thing, they cannot tell you what really went on behind closed doors.

One of our foster children at the moment has faced many changes of placement and an adoption breakdown. He is a lovely child. So special. I know his ex carers also cannot tell their friends or family why they had to end the placement either. I also know they have lost friends because of it.

Is there any way you can accept that you can never know the whole story, and continue your friendship. They may never tell you but they might need your friendship more than ever.

Adopter here too.

Broadly speaking my view is that if anyone is to 'blame' for an adoption is disruption it is social services, not the adoptive parents and not the children.

Part of the long process to become adopters is the homes study. During that the social workers should be exploring what the adopters strengths and weaknesses are and what types of behaviour they think they can cope with. Part of this is subjective, but partly it is 'evidence based'. The SW should be testing any claims made by the parents, and should be making sure the potential adopters are as fully aware of possible issues as possible.

Social workers are also responsible for getting to know the looked after child, and working out what type of parents would suit him/her best, and what types of strengths they will need.

Social workers are responsible for matching a child to parents.

If after placement a parent is having difficulty either because they weren't as 'strong' as they thought (SW should have spotted that) or child has more issues than thought (SW maybe should have spotted that), then SW are responsible for provision of such support as is necessary. Though of course funding gets in the way sometimes too.

But even SW can't know how a child will react when placed into a 'permanent' home. Also even the strongest looking parents may have undiscovered weaknesses. And so you cannot hold even Social Workers liable for every disruption.

Yes the poor children, with another disruption in their lives. But the parents will be grieving too. They will not have done this lightly, it will have been the most heart wrenching decision of their lives. But they were not the 'right' parents for these children. There but for the grace of God ...

Actually having worked with children in care, I do sadly understand how traumatised many of these children are. I would not adopt as I understand what this would mean in reality with many children.

Some children are genuinely challenging and troubled (for a variety of reasons). It is not unheard of for biological parents to have children put into the care of SS, either because the parents do not have the resources to cope with them or because the children are unsafe to themselves and others in a regular family home. I am sure no biological parent makes such a decision lightly and I doubt the adoptive parents did it lightly either.

This is a horrible situation for everyone involved, the children, the parents, the professionals who do their best with very limited resources.

DistanceCall - have you even read the thread? I don't see how you can read the contributions made by adopters and still say what you have just said.

One last time: adoptive parents have no right, permission or mechanism to 'return' children, any more than any other parent. The only exception is in the year (ish) they look after the children BEFORE they legally adopt. It sounds like in this case they took it up to the wire of when they and SS had to decide whether to make it permanent.

Just to point out that OP also can't know whether the parents called time, or social services. If the latter, the parents may not feel able to acknowledge that, for fear of yet more judgement. We don't know, and neither does she.

As an adoptive parent of siblings myself for 2.5 years, I can see how this could happen. I very much doubt they "decided these children weren't a good fit and sent them back.

An adoptive parent here too, though mine are now in their mid 20s and we have also fostered for many years. I totally agree with you however the phrase they may have used is a casual one, used very probably to protect privacy of the child. Please remember OP, your friends cannot ever tell you what really happened. We are not allowed to tell anybody of the child's past or even present, and I am probably guilty of saying a few throwaway words, which really say nothing, should anyone ever have asked us. It;s also better to have friends think badly of us rather than betray the child's privacy.

A lot of adopted parents are lied to about SN kids. They might have thought they were adopting healthy kids and are now struggling to cope

Palm Springs and greedy - sending big hugs from a fellow adopter. Thanks for sharing your stories so others understand how hard it can be xxx

Your poor friends and their poor children. Have you asked if there's anything you can do to help them through this traumatic time? Some compassion and a friendly offer of a shoulder to cry on wouldn't go amiss. Everyone is losing in a situation like this, it's just unbearably sad for all concerned.

I am not a adopter, but my brother's sons, my gorgeous nephews, are adopted, from pre-school age and are now typical terrible teens. If he and my DSIL had decided at any point, they couldn't go on, I hope that we would have all reacted with sympathy and offers of reassurance and support.

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding

Oh fuck off. I bonded immediately with my adopted baby.

And her gene pool was excellent given she's beautiful, clever, kind, athletic and by god is she resilient. Not damaged at all.

I agree with you, OP. When you adopt children, they ARE your children. You don't get to return them to the shop.

I so want to agree with you. Everything in me believed that was the case. I adopted my children 24 years ago, and since have fostered dozens of other, including 6 on a permanent basis. And we have specialised in those children with the most difficult and complex difficulties. Yet as I said in another post we had to give up on one permenantly fostered child (who to us was like a 5th adopted child). I cannot tell you the reasons, just as the OP's friends cannot tell her of the reasons, but what was systematically happening was so beyond anything I believed could happen. And we had to "send him back". The reality of sending back meant secure accommodation as no other foster carer could be expected to deal with these issues. Our lives will never be the same again, but we do still have a life, and if we had not made the decision when we did we probably wouldn't be here to write this today.

TeenandTween. I totally agree. I was adopted myself (as a baby). No issues there as I received a normal, happy, loving childhood where all my basic needs were met.

I have adopted 2. One was straightforward. Child was also a baby. No problems whatsoever. The other lived through horrific experiences that most people can only imagine. She was adopted by us at the age of 7. After years of trying to deal with her off the wall behaviour we received no support whatsoever from SS. Their get out clause was "Well you wanted to adopt. Get on with it".

It has recently come to light that DD is suffering RAD (reactive attachment disorder) - anyone unfamiliar with this term look it up - as she was not provided with her basic needs from birth to 6 years old.

Many a time we have wanted to throw the towel in. For those who say "I'd love to adopt. All children are the same. They just need rules and guidelines. I could never give a child back" - I say this. You have obviously had no experience of adoption and there are thousands of children out there needing permanent homes. Why don't you remove your rose tinted specs and actually apply to adopt them instead of sitting in judgement of others who have tried their best but failed for reasons which are nothing to do with themselves except a lack of support and an unrealistic view of Happy Ever After

I am an adopter.
I also have four birth children.
Parenting an adopted child is NOT the same as parenting a birth child.
Adopting an older child nothing like having a birth child.

I don't know what happened in the family described in the OP but I doubt very much that they just gave up and sent the kids back 'to the shop' (seriously, how fucking offensive is that comment)

FYI if birth parents didn't give up on their kids there would be no kids up for adoption in the first place. Yes they are removed but birth parents are given lots of chances and many decide they are not willing to put their kid's needs first.

The OP's 'friends' spent years trying to be parents. How likely is it that they just decided they didn't like it after all?

I recently did a specialist course for adoptive parents. I sat in a room with ten other couples and individuals who were living in a kind of hell.

One parent was black and blue. One had to hide knives from their primary age child and had run out of friends who were willing to babysit because the child was so violent. Families were on the edge of disintegrating, siblings had left home rather than live with their adopted sibling, nearly all of us were on first name terms with our local glazier,

You literally have no idea what parents endure.

This thread is a disgrace.

Adoptive parents are supposed to be better than birth parents despite parenting the most injured and vulnerable children.

Its not enough to be adequate. We are supposed to be saintly.

Fuck that.

Palm Springs and greedy - sending big hugs from a fellow adopter. Thanks for sharing your stories so others understand how hard it can be xxx

nannplum666 I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that. I can never tell anyone of what happened to us, and therefore I am aware of friends, family and neighbours taking a step back from us since our placement breakdown. I never hear nice words like yours, thanks so much.

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding

Sometimes, someone comes along to make a judgement and it is so wrong and so cruel and so uneducated that there are no words for a response. But reading your words was like being stabbed in the heart.

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding

Absolute rubbish! I have 3 birth children and one adopted who display perfectly normal development behaviour and attachment. I have one who was used and abused by birth parents for 6 years who doesn't. Go figure!!

I also bonded immediately with my adopted baby even though we had no idea how long he was going to be with us.