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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my friends have behaved terribly?

322 replies

NC543212345 · 20/03/2017 13:02

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

OP posts:
DorcasthePuffin · 20/03/2017 23:06

AbernathysFringe, can I give you the benefit of the doubt that you haven't actually read the thread?

Luckily, adoptive parenting has made me very thick-skinned. I don't care that people disapprove of me co-sleeping. I didn't care when people found out my 6 year old still had a dummy. I'm quite happy to cut dead people on the bus who make personal comments (like the woman who sympathised with me having a half-Jamaican child, because 'they have such terrible hair').

I've also become very good at cherry-picking out the good bits, and drawing sustenance from them. On bad days the oppositional, controlling, aggressive behaviours have me in tears. On good days I can swell with pride when I hear how well she is doing at school (she keeps it all hidden there!). Tonight I held her in my arms and she told me indignantly that the big boy next door was calling her 'Little Fighty Sausage'. It's such a perfect name for her Smile.

Papafran · 20/03/2017 23:07

I suppose the dog analogy is 'if it's a crap thing to do to a dog, how about a child who actually understands

Fucking hell. I take it you have never adopted then Aber? Now there is a surprise. Maybe you should and then come back and tell us how easy it is.

Would you put up with you/your DC being threatened with a knife or being sexually abused? With not feeling safe in your own home, ever? Nope? Then pipe down.

user0000000001 · 20/03/2017 23:20

I suppose the dog analogy is 'if it's a crap thing to do to a dog, how about a child who actually understands'.

No.

The dog analogy... correctly expressed is...

What would you do if a dog you'd owned for a year suddenly mauled both your 4 year old and 2 year old child so seriously it caused potentially life changing injuries, and a succession of animal behaviourists told you there was significant risk of it happening again and again for years

Then, you took the agonising decision to rehome the dog

And your friends ducking judged you for it.

The ignorance on this thread is just utterly breathtaking.

user0000000001 · 20/03/2017 23:20

fucking

lavenderandrose · 20/03/2017 23:30

It isn't necessarily a crap thing to do but rather the only thing.

SiestaFiesta · 20/03/2017 23:30

Fascinatingly sad thread.

I'm glad the thread wasn't pulled as I have learnt a lot. I may have jumped to the same conclusion as the op at the start but then reading through it reminded me of my friend's mum who did long and short term fostering for many years. Some of what those children had seen and been through was horrendous and bf's mum dealt with a lot from them. Now I have every sympathy for the adopters and realise it must be heart-breaking for them.

Flowers Respect to all you adopters out there.

haveacupoftea · 20/03/2017 23:40

It isn't up to you to cast judgement on what your friends decide to do. Your role as a friend is to stick by them when times are tough. Things go wrong, mistakes are made, people do things that you think are wrong. That is part of being human and I hope we all have a friend who will stick with us throughout life's ups and downs.

TheWoodlander · 20/03/2017 23:45

Echo the total respect to all adopters out there.

I posted upthread about a R4 thing I listened to - reading through this thread inspired me to google it. It was the Choice, broadcast years ago.

It was this story.

She was far more candid when talking on the radio - she described situations where her adopted daughter literally couldn't stand her or her husband giving any attention to their biological child. It caused incredible damage to the family relationships, and they are now separated. The lack of support from the Adoption Service/SS was obvious and clear - to the point where they, the adoptive parents, were blamed for the problems. Heartbreaking.

I think people with no experience of this, or no knowledge of attachment disorder, do judge - I probably would have done before I heard this story - but I don't now.

bigmac4me · 20/03/2017 23:45

user0000000001

I'm sorry I do not know if you are an adoptive parent yourself, let alone anyone that had suffered a placement breakdown....but if not, on behalf of those who have, THANK YOU for getting it. Just THANK YOU.

itsbeenaverylongweek · 20/03/2017 23:54

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding
So annoyed at this.

user0000000001 · 20/03/2017 23:54

I am an adoptive parent, bigmac, but not one who has suffered a breakdown.

Just one who tired of reading variations of this shit.

For those who wonder what parenting adoptive children can be like, can I suggest you read this?

It's about a little girl from America, granted but hey... neglect in the USA looks a lot like neglect in the U.K. Who knew?

The Girl in the Window

user0000000001 · 20/03/2017 23:54

who is

GinDoll · 21/03/2017 01:26

I have known two families who have adopted children and then given them up :( in one the woman was pushed to the edge of a nervous breakdown and given no support with the children her and her husband had adopted and in the end just couldn't cope. The other family were on the waiting list for a baby/toddler and we're then told they could either have a six year old (who had a lot of issues) or nothing. They simply couldn't cope either. It's awful and I can't imagine giving up on children but I hope it would never be done lightly :(

PennyPickle · 21/03/2017 01:47

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding

Just fuck off! You obviously know nothing!

EnidButton · 21/03/2017 02:18

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding

That's really offensive. You're so ignorant.

NavyandWhite · 21/03/2017 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderandrose · 21/03/2017 07:15

That newspaper article wasn't great, was it? It made it sound as if the family gave their daughter up for not setting the table properly Hmm

user0000000001 · 21/03/2017 07:16

ooh, come back to read this thread again and have noticed this peach from the dearly departed OP...

I can imagine suddenly having 2 children is a massive shock to the system.

You might be able to imagine what having 2 birth children suddenly like, but you have absolutely no inkling what it's like suddenly having 2 adopted children who;

Are competing... not vying, literally competing for your attention because if they don't get it, they have deep rooted concerns that serious harm will come to them (after all, a succession of adults have harmed them in the past).

This means they absolutely no not differenciate between good and bad attention. Any attention helps calm this terror that they are going to be left, underfed, unclothed. They are in a survival situation and it is like they are drowning.

They are likely not to be able to sleep, for hours and hours on end, leading to exhaustion. They don't sleep during the day either. When they are awake, they may be completely unstressed on the surface. One of mine used to sit up in bed loudly playing with her teddies for hours, not caring one jot if she woke the rest of the house up, which she did, several times a week. NOTHING worked in terms of trying to stop this. It went on for months (she was 6 years old, not a toddler).

They are highly likely to use food as a weapon. It's the one thing they can control easily

You are advised for the first weeks not to go anywhere or meet anyone else, to try to kick start the attachment process.

Nothing holds their attention for longer than about 30 seconds. Nothing. Except maybe TV. Which you are advised to avoid for the first few weeks and months. You cannot leave them alone for so much as a minute as it's likely to kick off.

So, you spend your first few weeks isolated, with two kids who can't concentrate, who are likely to fight, argue, may well even hurt each other in order to paint themselves as 'the good one' and get attention. They more than likely don't mind being the bad one either. If you're shouting at them, you're acknowledging them. Better that in their confused minds than ignoring them and letting them starve.

They will deliberately test boundaries. You will ask them to do something and they will look at you and so the opposite. (Hands up all you birth parents who are thinking 'all kids do that?' Of course they do. But do they do it 80-90% of the time, in a deliberate attempt to get you to lose their temper because a life of chaos is all they've known and is where they, paradoxically, feel safe?)

Added into this, they may well talk about their previous foster careers, and birth family, generally in a way that hurts. I miss Mummy X (often when you are trying to set boundaries).

They can tell you they hate you. And do. A lot.

Then, when you introduce them to your friends, they will turn on the charm. They will behave perfectly. Your friends will start to doubt you when you explain what it's like behind closed doors.

Then, after about 6 months the 'honeymoon phase' ends, the kids start to think maybe this placement is a long term thing. Then the 'fun' really starts.

But yeah... you can imagine what's it's like. Hmm

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 21/03/2017 07:36

Puffin thank you for explaining the 12 months issue to me, that makes sense now and can understand how a decision was made at that time.

mygorgeousmilo · 21/03/2017 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnysky2016 · 21/03/2017 07:42

Just want to say OP that your friends need you now more then at any time. There to support and listen to them, have empathy, not be judgmental. If you scant so this maybe it would be best for you to step away.
They would not have made this decision lightly and will be devestated. But maybe it's in the best interests of the children should the placement not be working.

IntoTheDeep · 21/03/2017 07:50

Agree with coffee and other pp who've said that this thread has been eye opening about the extreme difficulties that adoptive families can face. It's something that I knew very little about before reading the stories on this thread.

Flowers to all the adoptive parents on here.

mygorgeousmilo · 21/03/2017 07:57

Posted before RTFT what a twit I am. Please ignore my pointless comment Blush

moogletea · 21/03/2017 07:59

A year doesn't seem long enough. What have they done to try? Courses? Books?

Have you even read this thread? No one makes the agonising decision to disrupt an adoption because they haven't read a book

Also note the correct term 'distuption' not the highly offensive 'give up' which has been used lots on this thread

moogletea · 21/03/2017 08:03

Cross post @mygorgeousmilo thanks for acknowledging how far off the mark your comment was

Also clear typo in my post - obv meant 'disruption '

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