To think my friends have behaved terribly?

[NC543212345]

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

It's more likely that they on the at risk register because their parent has a tenuous grasp on reality and believes obvious nonsense, as well as having a persecution complex.

As an adoptive parent of siblings myself for 2.5 years, I can see how this could happen. I very much doubt they "decided these children weren't a good fit and sent them back."

Parenting two traumatised children is so, so different to parenting non traumatised children. It is relentless and exhausting and no one understands as often the children's worst behaviour is saved for the people they feel safest with. Mine both have Attachment Disorder and a raft of terrible memories that can be triggered at any point in the day. It is like riding a rollercoaster every day.

I got to the point of placement breakdown before we were offered help and specialist therapy for us and the children which saved our family. I believe this should be offered to every family as standard from placement and might just help the terrible adoption breakdown statistics.

Just telling why some older children might not want to be adopted

Jesus, you seriously know bugger all don't you? If you are so blinkered in your thinking, this might be why SS are worried about you.

Do you not realise that firstly, SS don't tend to recommend adoption for older children and that secondly, very very few adopters are willing to take older children? Sadly, they are usually left in long term foster care when there is no prospect of being reunited with their families.

Additionally, the child's wishes and feelings are part of the court's consideration when making an adoption order. Therefore, even if an older child were placed for adoption, his objections would make it unlikely that the court would make the order.

Adoption is a last resort where the children often have drug-addicted, neglectful and abusive birth parents and have gone through horrifying ordeals. Not your imaginary tales of middle-class families being ripped apart because Tarquin has messy hair or Tallullah didn't have her polio jab.

It's more likely that they on the at risk register because their parent has a tenuous grasp on reality and believes obvious nonsense, as well as having a persecution complex

Yup, agree 100%...

Adopting is very tough. FAS is absolutely horrible to see. I saw it in babies in EE and in this day it is so sad that we seem to have quite a few babies born each year suffering from this. Drug withdrawal is also equally horrendous. Then you have the issues with ASD, ADHD and other developmental disorders.

The worst is attachment disorder. It takes a specialist to help a family get through this and I am shocked your 'friends' have not been given the help that any family in their situation needs.

If it were my friend going through this I would be reaching out to ask how I can help, not thinking about defriending them because I don't agree with just giving up. They have probably been through hell and went into this having no idea how tough it is.

In all of this I feel so bad for the girls. They need proper support and in the UK it is so hard to get the specialist help via the NHS or privately compared to where I am in the US. Adoption here is much more common and placement agencies require adoptive parents agree to at least two years of therapy.

Think about it from their perspective. They have been through the wringer to become an adopter, it issue tough process. For whatever reason this is unsustainable, do they have to make this decision. Knowing that they won't have the chance again. Can you imagine being in that position? Hideous.

YAB massively U and judgemental. Having seen first hand the huge issues adoption can cause to a family I would suggest you keep your beak out.

OP I think it's a good idea to vent on mumsnet, especially when the overall opinion has been to say YABU. You've been told don't judge your friends and plenty of reasons why, I would think this would be useful to you and give you an opportunity to emphasise or at least sympathise with your friends. Personally I always think don't judge until you've walked in their shoes.

oliversmumsarmy sounds like your DC are on the at risk register because you're batshit crazy, refuse to engage with any of their attempts to help, and are utterly deluded

And Oliver, your kids are not on the at risk register because you HE. You need to have a serious think about what has caused it, instead of burying your head in this delusional crap.

Oliversmumsarmy your friend is spinning you a line

I heard the tapes she made. She recorded everything after the initial "meeting"

Yes, but presumably not what lead to that.

In England they are either a child in need or on a child protection plan there is no register any more

As I have already explained. Exh decided he didn't want to pay maintenance any more and reported her to SS. I think it was along the line of her being a prostitute, alcoholic etc. Exh is a drug addict who wasn't safe to be around his dd

I heard the tapes she made. She recorded everything after the initial "meeting

Yet more bullshit. Let me guess- on the tape, SS told her that her child was being removed for having messy hair and was being sent to a new family where both parents were hairdressers?

I was talking about my friend who had SS force there way into her house

Does your friend know it's illegal to record meeting with their social worker without their social workers permission? And even more illegal to broadcast those tapes to people not privy to those meetings?

Sounds like your friend is as crazy as you are.

Exh decided he didn't want to pay maintenance any more and reported her to SS. I think it was along the line of her being a prostitute, alcoholic etc. Exh is a drug addict who wasn't safe to be around his dd

OK, now we are getting slightly closer to the truth. So you would prefer SS not to investigate if they get a report of children being brought up by an alcoholic prostitute? Especially if the father was a known drug addict? Sometimes children are removed because one parent cannot put their needs first and will have relationships with e.g. drug dealers or violent abusers.

I realise it must be hard to ever really know what is going on in someone else's life but please believe me when I say these parents will be going through hell as much as the children, we very nearly gave up our ac, until you have experienced the damage reactive attachment disorder can cause you can't possibly imagine the reality, for us it was way more than just tantrums but I'll give you a few examples of what we were dealing with, driving down a motorway with a child who because they couldn't instantly have a McDonald's and weren't prepared to wait till the services, stripping naked, removing their seatbelt and throwing shoes at the drivers head. Waking up in the middle of the night to discover child holding pillow over the face of younger child, grabbing kitchen knives from the draining board and holding one to my throat because they didn't get their own way, ripping up teenagers gcse coursework and family photo albums, these are just a few of the things we were dealing with, we begged SS for help and support and in turn they threatened to remove all our children including our birth children because we were admitting we couldn't cope with 'normal misbehaviour and tantrums', we were accused of exaggerating and making issues up. My own best friend told me she would never forgive me if i gave up, funnily enough this same friend never once offered help, never babysat and never witnessed the behaviour in full ( part of attachment disorder is that the child doesn't display the behaviour in other environments, eg our child was perfect at school and was particularly endearing.) thankfully we had a breakthrough when our child's abuser handed themselves in admitted their crime enabling or child to receive therapy and finally understand what had happened to them and finally believe us when we said we hadn't stolen them from their parents but it was to help them be safe. Years down the line I am a completely different person, I am quiet and nervous, I constantly question my decisions, I have lost all ability to trust my own judgement, I feel I almost have an attachment disorder myself as I no longer trust anyone, the friends and family I called on for support turned their backs and criticised but not one offered help, not one would even give us one night off, I feel like I've committed some heinous crime when all I ever tried to do was help.

I was talking about my friend who had SS force there way into her house

How many friends with SS involvement do you have? Given it's rare, it's worrying if you and several members of your social circle have all been investigated by SS.

There's gold on this here thread. From one poster saying older adoptive children tend to come from a 'poor gene pool', to the poster claiming that's not true as her friend's child was nearly adopted, and they are ex public school with a big house. Probably with its own, superior, heated gene pool. And then an old school 'chinny reckon' to make my day complete. I know this is a heartbreaking subject, and I have read accounts of adoptions that have broken down before, and just how traumatic that is for all involved, but it's hard to take some of these comments seriously.

greedycushionhoarder

I know a lot of people from different areas.

Papafran. Agree investigate but they didn't they came in all guns blazing

Poor girls, hope they find a forever family soon.

Agree investigate but they didn't they came in all guns blazing

To be fair, your friend having a relationship with a drug dealer (even thought it had ended by the time of the report) would actually make me question her parenting ability. Even if you are not the instigator, you are still exposing your DC to harm. Baby P's mum didn't abuse him, she just let others do it.

SS have to work on the assumption that the allegations were true.