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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my friends have behaved terribly?

322 replies

NC543212345 · 20/03/2017 13:02

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/03/2017 15:18

there was a knock at the door and SS forced their way in and their first words were We are here to take your child. There is no point fighting it we have already got a family to adopt her

Not in this generation, in the UK.

There is a lot of space between removing a child from their birth parents, making the decision to place them for adoption and then - eventually - matching the child with a prospective family. SS simply do not leave a child where it is until they've found new parents Confused.

Papafran · 20/03/2017 15:18

Olivers can you not see though that it's not legally possible for SS to forcibly remove children without a court order and that (save in an absolute emergency), that would not be the first contact with SS? Can you also not see that suggesting that SS had adoptive parents lined up before they even removed the child for the first time is also a legal impossibility??

If you don't understand this, then I will continue to call your little warning-stories bollocks. If you saw what had happened to the vast vast majority of children taken into care, you would not spout such crap. Unless you think it's okay for parents to hit, starve and burn their children?

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2017 15:19

"My children are on the at risk register because I HE and my ds isn't up to date with his vaccinations. I was speaking about this and another parent told me her 6ft 2" 15year old ds is on the at register because he has messy hair. Apparently these are all massive red flags."

No they aren't and no he isn't

CindyCrawford2 · 20/03/2017 15:20

How terribly sad for both the girls and the adoptive parents. I adopted my DS 13 years ago and, after an initial "honeymoon" period, he started having terrible tantrums - we were told this was quite a common occurrence with older adopted children. He regularly punched and kicked both me and my DH and the language he used towards us was shocking. The only thing that re-assured me was that he was well behaved at school and with other people, so I knew that deep down he could control it. Eventually, after repeatedly making it clear to him that his behaviour was unacceptable he stopped assaulting us. He is now in his late teens and feels ashamed about his past behaviour. We are glad we stuck with him as he is a son to be proud of and we both adore him - adopting him was the best thing we have ever done. Adoption is not easy, you go through so much to be approved and then things don't always turn out quite the way you expected. I would never judge anyone as every situation is different. Do your friends get enough support? Are you there to listen to them and maybe give them a break by taking the girls out for a few hours? It must be really hard taking two children into your home - an instant family, it was hard enough with one. If they are adamant that they cannot cope with the girls then perhaps it is better that they give them up in order for a new family to be found for the girls, but my heart goes out to all of them and I hope they get help from Social Services to make the right decision.

user1484578224 · 20/03/2017 15:26

what constitutes messy hair?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 20/03/2017 15:31

No advice to offer unfortunately, just thinking what a sad sad situation for the parents and the children. It sounds as if they're all suffering.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 15:32

My children are on the at risk register because I HE and my ds isn't up to date with his vaccinations. I was speaking about this and another parent told me her 6ft 2" 15year old ds is on the at register because he has messy hair. Apparently these are all massive red flags

Complete bullshit.

user1484578224 · 20/03/2017 15:37

what if kid leaves home with tidy hair but it is windy and gets messy?

Papafran · 20/03/2017 15:39

what if kid leaves home with tidy hair but it is windy and gets messy?

Then, by the time he gets home, SS will have found him an adoptive family.

NavyandWhite · 20/03/2017 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverduck · 20/03/2017 15:41

OP I sympathise.

People parent in all kinds of different ways and it can be a shock when friends parent in a different way to the way you thought they would.

My own observation of adoption is that social workers encourage adopters to think that adoption is totally set apart from any other kind of parenting. You can see that reflected in some of the comments from adopters on this thread. I get why they do this but I actually think it can inhibit adopters from building support networks with those with birth children as they feel that people with birth children can't understand. Actually parenting is hard, and has different challenges for everyone and adopters could I think get some excellent support from other parents.

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding. Social services could do more to prepare and support.

LilQueenie · 20/03/2017 15:42

yanbu they wouldn't be able to do i with their bio kids.

NavyandWhite · 20/03/2017 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Papafran · 20/03/2017 15:43

Oh and OP, I feel desperately sorry for your friends and it is a shame that you cannot be supportive to them. They probably need all the friends they can get at the moment.

You are really minimising the behaviour of the children in your OP. 'Hitting out' is actually quite serious and could compromise the safety of the family in the future. The girls probably had more complex needs than your friends could meet. If you want to blame anyone, blame the government that offers next to no support for the selfless people who volunteer to become adopters.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/03/2017 15:43

papadran

I quite agree what that SW did is not legally enforceable. But can you imagine how my friend felt. She had to quickly read up about SS laws and fought the case on her own as the legal representative didn't know as much as she did. He was all for her giving up her child and she could see her under supervised contact.

As I said if you had told me that my son would have been put on the at risk register I would not have believed you. I can only speak about my own situation and ds is perfectly happy being HEdded and I will get round to vaccinations at some point.

I did find it interesting that it was the same place that our dc had been reported from.

I did point out when the SW told me over the phone that he was putting both my children dd nearly 18 and 15 year old ds on the at risk register that not giving vaccinations was not an offense and being HEdded was also not an offense . He replied they were Red Flags.

I wonder how many children are at risk and if they actually discounted being HE, lack of vaccination and messy hair.

DD is on there and she is up to date with her vaccinations, goes to F/T college and brushes her hair. But I suppose it adds to the at risk register and makes them look like they are over stretched when something does actually go wrong.

Or I might just be a little cynical

user1484578224 · 20/03/2017 15:44

seriously what are these mysterious indicators?

Unpropergrammer · 20/03/2017 15:45

Oh do go away oliver

Scaremongering isn't helpful

Papafran · 20/03/2017 15:46

I also think that some adopters are not well prepared for parenthood and don't have the benefit of birth hormones to help with bonding

Riiiight. Of course. So the reason why an adoptive parent struggles with a child with FAS who has gone through severe physical abuse before being removed is because they haven't got the magic birth hormones to help them bond. How stupid of me not to realise that. Could you also let me know how fathers ever manage to bond with their children, given that they do not have birth hormones either??

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 15:49

yanbu they wouldn't be able to do i with their bio kids

Of course they can. You think no-one puts their children in care?

Papafran · 20/03/2017 15:54

She had to quickly read up about SS laws and fought the case on her own as the legal representative didn't know as much as she did

Yeah, I am sure her knowledge far exceeded that of both her solicitor and her barrister who would have gone through years of legal training and would also have years of experience.

As for your case, I can't comment, but you are seriously wrong if you think that the majority of children on the at risk register are on there because of unbrushed hair. Anyway, if your children are classed as being at risk, this does not mean in any way that SS are planning on removing them. Lack of vaccinations ARE a red flag though (as well as being selfish and idiotic and putting the rest of the population at risk of preventable diseases). There is a poster on here who believes that she is a 'freeman of the land' and disputes SS involvement due to that, but to outsiders, it is clear to see why SS are concerned and that the mother's beliefs may have an adverse impact on the children.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/03/2017 15:55

Just telling why some older children might not want to be adopted.

They might not come from as broken a home as you think

GahBuggerit · 20/03/2017 15:55

"yanbu they wouldn't be able to do i with their bio kids."

You do know why some children are available to adopt right?

Annesmyth123 · 20/03/2017 15:56

Oliversmumsarmy your friend is spinning you a line.

Unpropergrammer · 20/03/2017 15:58

Older children aren't even considered for adoption usually ffs. Nobody is putting a 9 or 15 year old up for adoption. HmmHmm

theDudesmummy · 20/03/2017 15:59

Of course people can put their biological children in voluntary care.