To think my friends have behaved terribly?

[NC543212345]

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

OP you say you gave them lots of advice but you are not an adopter yourself? You cannot compare parenting your birth DC, even with SN to children from the Care system.

These children almost always have a poor gene pool from the start...issues such as mental health, asd, very low intellectual ability are all very common. Next they have very frequently been abused an neglected in utero....drink, drugs and violence which raises cortisol levels in the fetal circulation which can lead to developmental issues.

Them after birth they've either been in a chaotic and neglectful home where feeds are erratic and the needs of the parents are always put above those of the DC. Or they go straight to foster care, possibly subject to multiple moves of primary carer and probably taken for contact several times a week.

Siblings frequently develop a very complex and destructive relationship which is well recognised yet SW still place huge weight on keeping siblings together even when it may not be in their best interests.

Then adopters are handed these DC after a short introduction period and left to it. Its unbelievably stressful and challenging. Nothing at all like parenting your own DC whom you've carried in utero, cared from newborn and learned to deal with very gradually.

Your friends will be in hell. They may have dreamed of a family for many years and been to the furthest effort possible to achieve it. Instead they've been left with a massive gap where that dream was and another gap where their so called friends used to be.

Poor kids, poor friends. Nothing but loss and grief but none of it is the fault of your friends. Be clear about that.

These children almost always have a poor gene pool from the start.

not so sure on that one?

These children almost always have a poor gene pool from the start.

A very Victorian opinion. Have you never seen Trading Places ?

yabvu. Your poor friends. They have gone through the agony of infertility, worked hard to get approved as adopters and now have had to give up their dream of parenthood. I doubt they would have done it lightly. They must be heartbroken.

Yes those poor little girls as well, what chance do they have in life? but the people to blame for their situation are the birth parents (possibly; I don't know their circumstances to comment on the level of culpability) and the social care system.

Adopt yourself to give children a home if you think it's so bloody simple as "not giving up on them". There are plenty of children waiting for a home.

This is fairly classic stuff in the adoption process, whereby the child is 'testing out' the new parents to see whether they too will move the children out.
It can be a self fulfilling prophesy as it looks to be in this case, as the adults cannot deal with the challenging behaviour that the child is exhibiting.
I wonder what support, if any, they are getting. I would hope that they are getting counselling and support from the placing agency. Some of the voluntary agencies are able to offer lots of support, but local authorities usually much less. Pressure can be put on them to pay privately for it.
I'm surprised that the Op is getting such a flaming on here. She can't help feeling the way that she does.
I do wonder though, that she describes the children as 'gorgeous' and that would suggest that there is a lot of positive and appropriate behaviour too. I hope the adoptive had tried to have regular individual time with each child, as this may build up the bond and make the difficult times more bearable. Maybe op could help out by having one or both children sometimes, to give the parents a bit of a breather?

Maybe they don't want to form a bond with a new set of parents they want their own parents

Oliversmumsarmy that is unhelpful. In your friend's case, maybe SS had made a misjudgment, though every single parent whose children are proposed to be removed will get the opportunity to challenge the legality of that decision through the courts. Therefore, your friend did nothing unique in taking on SS through the courts. The other point is that in 99% of cases where SS propose adoption, the birth parents are absolutely unsuitable to care for their child and should not under any circumstances have the child returned to them. Biology means fuck all when parents are stubbing out cigarettes on their kids and sexually abusing them. Those kids need a stable home and adoption is the best thing in those circumstances. Look at what happened in the Ellie Butler case. Had she been adopted, her evil waste of space parents would not have been able to appeal the care order and get her back to murder her.

I don't think anyone can judge unless they know exactly what the parents are dealing with.

If it's just normal child tantrums and they are giving up because of that, then yes they ABU.

If it's much much more than that (as it may well be) then no they ANBU.

It's not clear how much you know about their daily life. Unless you know a hell of a lot (eg you've actually been in their house for many full days and nights and seen what happens 24/7) then YABU to judge really.

I don't know how failed adoptions work but I presume there would be many conversations with the parents before anything is finalised. So if SS think it's just normal child behaviour then presumably they will suggest parenting courses etc as the first step?

My children are on the at risk register because I HE and my ds isn't up to date with his vaccinations. I was speaking about this and another parent told me her 6ft 2" 15year old ds is on the at register because he has messy hair. Apparently these are all massive red flags.

Parents are ex private / public school. Big detached house etc. Fortunately our dc can laugh about the absurdity of it.

So saying that only those from a poor gene pool get bother from SS is naive at best

Desperately sad situation for all concerned. But if there is culpability here, it's much more likely to be on the side of the authorities who do not do enough to support these families as others have pointed out.

This is so sad and also makes me furious. 2 children whose lives have already been seriously damaged by adults are facing even more trauma and distress.

I'm an adopter. My 2 kids bear some scars from their early experiences but nothing too serious. However I have seen the havoc adopted/fostered children with attachment disorder or behavioural problems can cause in their families. It's a total nightmare.

You say you think your friends are giving up easily. They won't be allowed to give up that easily. SS will try and save a placement that can be saved. If it's really ending then it's probably never going to work.

Maybe they don't want to form a bond with a new set of parents they want their own parents

This kind of statement pisses me off too. Despite what the the tabloid press would lead you to believe SS do not take children away from their birth families unless there is serious cause to do so.

You have no idea. None.

You should get this thread pulled.

These children almost always have a poor gene pool from the start

What an incredibly gross thing to say.

from the outside looking in, it looks as if they're giving up easily

From the outside looking in, you appear an awful and judgmental 'friend'

Good post MatildaTheCat.

Papafran there was a knock at the door and SS forced their way in and their first words were We are here to take your child. There is no point fighting it we have already got a family to adopt her.

There wasn't anything to misjudge. Drug addicted exh who didn't see his dd but paid maintenance didn't want to pay maintenance any more so thought if he could get her adopted then he would have more money for drugs.

The report when they did it was the biggest piece of contradictory nonsense.

I wonder if friends 15 year old ds was told he was being adopted would he just accept it or play up till they sent him home

It's sad for all of them but turn it around and think of the needs of the two dc. They need parents who can cope with their special needs. If your friends can't do that despite trying their best then they are not the right people to bring them up. I suspect this is the conclusion they came to. You have to find enjoyment in what you do and if you are desperately trying but not really feeling effetive, the joy of bringing the children up would go and there would be a stressed, unhappy family.

On the other hand, they may well have lots more information about their needs now and will be able to find the best place for them to go to next, where they can get the right care for their needs.

It must have been incredibly hard for them and yes perhaps a huge shock how difficult living with a child with attachment issues/disorder is. The saddest part of it is that a child who can't attach is one that distrusts any signs of loving action from a parent figure. It's got to be very upsetting.

The fact that the children are like this is not their fault or their situation to correct. Indeed, attachment disorder cannot be undone. Attachment issues can be worked on, but the disorder (I believe) is a permanent personality difference due to very early attachment failure. So really, if it hasn't worked in their environment, they girls are probably going to benefit from moving on elsewhere.

How sad and I can see why it has affected you so deeply.

oliver you are inciting absolute twoddle on this thread

I also don't think you can or should judge.

So many people wonder why there are so many children available for adoption but those that want to adopt find it so difficult - the fact is a huge amount of those poor little mites up for adoption are so badly damaged that they may never find forever homes. A family I know adopted two sisters age 2 and 5, they are now teenagers, the older one is still deeply disturbed, having counselling and has significant behavioural issues. Her relationship with her adoptive mother is very sadly not as great as that of her younger sister.

*You have no idea. None.

You should get this thread pulled.*
Why pull this thread? It's a difference of opinion about a situation where we don't actually know the full details, so can't have an informed view of whether the adopters are being unreasonable or not.

It's an interesting subject matter though, and very worthy of debate, especially as it may raise awareness even further for any prospective adopters

Im not a fan of SS but I simply do not believe that kids are on a risk register due to not having up to date vaccinations and messy hair.

I'm an adoptive parent and I'm thankful the OP isn't one of my friends. Adoption can be a tough enough ride on its own without being judged by those you consider part of your support network. Unless you're in their shoes , living their lives I don't think you have a say in how you feel. How about forgetting your own feelings and really considering that family who need support.
Disruption is a fact - it happens. Adoptive families try so hard to make sure it doesn't but in some cases it's inevitable. How awful to go through a disruption and then find that your friends have all left and are sitting in judgement on you.

gah they aren't nor are they bursting into people's homes yelling 'we are here to take your child' or trying to get 9 year olds adopted. It just doesn't happen.

These children almost always have a poor gene pool from the start

What a horrifically judgemental and damaging sentence to write, Matilda.

These children almost always have a poor gene pool from the start...issues such as mental health, asd, very low intellectual ability are all very common.

'Poor gene pool'? ASD being indicative of a poor gene pool? Are you fucking serious, Matilda, or is your own poor gene pool impairing your intellectual ability?