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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends have behaved terribly?

322 replies

NC543212345 · 20/03/2017 13:02

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.

Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 20/03/2017 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWoodlander · 20/03/2017 13:41

OP, I used to think like you. Then I listened to a woman's story of adoption on R4 and how she ended up making the same decision. It went into attachment disorder. It was eye-opening, and I wouldn't judge now.

nonameinspiration · 20/03/2017 13:42

They won't be approved for future adoptions.

GrumpyOldBag · 20/03/2017 13:43

OP YABVVU for judging your friends without knowing the full circumstances.

I have several friends who have adopted children; it is unbelievably difficult; far harder than most people can imagine and the outcomes, sadly, are not always positive.

Namesarehard · 20/03/2017 13:45

I think the OP is having a hard time here. Ofcourse if someone hasn't been in the position personally it's difficult to completely understand. But on the outside looking in she's seeing two children who have already lost their family for which ever reason lose another. Regardless of circumstances it's not hard to see why she feels like this.
My first thought was about those poor children, admittedly the adoptive parents are an after thought. Doesn't make me a bad person. I'm just a mother who could never imagine giving up on my children.
It'll take time for friends to process it too. It's an unnatural things albeit a different circumstance.
I hope the adoptive parents can move from this given time and I hope their relationship survives it. I still feel for children in this circumstance. Nobody asked to be born. It sickens me that children need to go into the care system as it is. Every living person deserves a good like from the beginning.
I do think you should keep your distance for not OP not to say things you may regret. I have no doubt nobody could make these people feel worse than they already do.

GrumpyOldBag · 20/03/2017 13:45

Attachment disorder is very common with adopted children now and is extremely difficult to cope with.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/03/2017 13:45

Quite a lot of adoptions break down. Some children have been so damaged by their birth families that they are unable to form bonds with new parents

Maybe they don't want to form a bond with a new set of parents they want their own parents.

Friends DD was nearly taken by SS at aged 9. SS told my friend they had a family lined up to adopt her. If my friend had not taken on the law and fought her own case and made a judge see that the report on her was a load of BS and her DD had been adopted by this unsuspecting family. I cant see her DD being so compliant. I can see the adoptive family would have handed her back.

Fatbird71 · 20/03/2017 13:45

We've adopted twice and as other adoptive parents have said, until you have experienced it for yourself, you can't possibly know what these poor parents are going through.

both of our children have life long issues. My daughter has brain damage thanks to her mother's drinking whilst she was pregnant. Our son's birth parents both have mental health issues that may well be passed down to him. We are lucky in that they don't physically hit out at us but they are still fairly young. My daughter's issues are getting worse and is now receiving support from CAMHS to help her cope. Life in our house isn't the same as having birth children and there isn't the support that is promised.
Friends of ours adopted a sibling pair but due to their violence, it was agreed that they should never have been placed for adoption.
So my heart goes out to all concerned and I'm sorry OP, but I would hate to think our friends had attitudes like yours.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 13:46

It's not the OP that is having a hard time, at all. Its everyone else and she is judging them for it. I don't see why she should get a pass on that.

Namesarehard · 20/03/2017 13:47

Bloody phone, so many errors and I can't edit.
To add on to my post, I do feel for anyone who had to go through this. It must be hell for all involved. I'm only saying I can understand why people would react the way OP has.

Fatbird71 · 20/03/2017 13:48

I should add that adoptive parents work so hard to get their placements in the first place and we love our children despite the issues that come with them but there will be instances where it is better for all concerned for a placement to disrupt..... and that is heartbreaking and wouldn't be done lightly.

BrieAndChilli · 20/03/2017 13:50

It might be better for the girls.
I was the little girl once, except my adopted mother after realising we weren't perfect little dolls she could Mold in her image used to beat us and life wasn't very happy growing up, culminating in her sending me to boarding school when I was 15 so she didint have to deal with me. We are now NC.
I don't doubt it was hard on her having a mixed up little girl to look after but I often wonder what my life would have been like if she had admitted she couldn't do it and given us back so we could have gone to someone else.

TimTamTerrier · 20/03/2017 13:53

I think if you genuinely feel this way OP then the most honourable thing you can do is break off your friendship.

I can't know exactly what the details of this situation are, and neither can you even though you think you do. I do know, as someone who has adopted, that there are issues that are hard for people who have no experience of them to imagine. The good friends are the ones who don't understand but are willing to listen and be tolerant. The slightly hard-work friends are the ones who give lots of well-meaning behaviour management advice that just wouldn't work with the type of damage some adopted children have. And the friends to off-load are the ones who think they understand it all (they don't, I haven't told anyone 'it all' because that's my DCs' private information) and are judgemental about me or my DC.

MadMags · 20/03/2017 13:54

You should end the friendship if you can't be less judgemental because really, what sort of friend are you??

theredjellybean · 20/03/2017 13:57

I can have sympathy with the OP...
She is being honest about how she is going to struggle with her feelings about her friends.
She hasnt said she thinks they are bad people, just taht their choice has made her feel uncomfortable.
As many said she does not know how they feel, she is not in their shoes, but neither are any of us in the OP's shoes....
I had an incredibly difficult DD1 ...and often ended most days crying and telling my DH that we needed to call SS to take her as i couldnt live like this any longer.....I should imagine that for people having a really hard time with their birth children seeing adoptive parents handing back children when the going is tough , well it must seem like they are taking the easy way out ....

NoLotteryWinYet · 20/03/2017 13:57

i'll be honest op, I'd judge adoptive parents who gave up after one year but I agree with the people saying too that if you genuinely have no sympathy for a friend, distancing yourself is the best you can do. The friendship in this situation's likely over anyway? Adopting children is much harder than having your own, it's like being thrown in at the deep end to tougher parenting challenges than most of us will ever have to face.

NavyandWhite · 20/03/2017 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ehsamy · 20/03/2017 13:59

In the interest of balance; most adoptions don't break down and not all adopted children are damaged.

GahBuggerit · 20/03/2017 14:02

Wow OP thats quite harsh of you.

There are parents out there who give their biological children up for adoption because they can't provide what the child needs, whatever that may be, so they give them up in the hope the child will have a better life.

Judge them too would you?

Original poster
NC543212345 · 20/03/2017 14:07

Ok to clear a few things up.
I do feel sympathy for them. I can imagine suddenly having 2 children is a massive shock to the system.

They very much asked for my advice, it wasn't thrown upon them. They've watched the trouble we've had with ds and wanted to know how we dealt with it.

I understand I will never know the full story or understand what the past year of their lives have been like but from the outside looking in, it looks as if they're giving up easily.

I'll leave this now. I think I just needed a vent but in hindsight this wasn't the best place for it.

OP posts:
Atenco · 20/03/2017 14:10

Just read this and what I see is an indictment of social services. Obviously putting troubled youngsters up for adoption is a very cheap solution, rather than paying for their upkeep until they are adults.

And adoption is a very good solution if they would only keep their promises of ongoing support.

Bluntness100 · 20/03/2017 14:12

Op, I think this is probably a lot harder for them than you think and it's not the same as your own situation.

I'm guessing this couple were possibly infertile, were desperate for children and went through the adoption process, that it was important to them. I'm also guessing the littlest one does more than lash out and have a tantrum.

Bonding with children isn't easy , and if you couple that with a child who is very traumatised it has probably been a year of hell for all concerned. The decision to return them will be beyond heart breaking and a last resort when they cannot go on any more.

And that's the position I would take, that this is a last resort and they simoly can't continue. It's a hellish situation for all concerned, both parents and children. And I imagine there has been a lot of tears and anguish in the lead up to this.

I would not judge them if I was you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/03/2017 14:12

Surely all adopted children are damaged in some way? Even if they are taken at birth they will probably have been born to parents with severe problems. Even children taken from healthy parents, the extremely unlikely pregnant sixth former scenario, will surely have some sense of trauma when they realise what has happened to them.

I wouldn't judge. At worst your friends are simply just not as strong as they would wish to be. That's not the sort of failing to judge someone for.

NavyandWhite · 20/03/2017 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1484578224 · 20/03/2017 14:13

I suppose excellent support would be needed every step of the way for this to succeed.

It is very very sad and I can understand the OP wanting to pull back a bit.