To wonder if blended families ever really work?

[Safaribaby]

I'm not knocking anyone. When I met dh I already had a baby, I was a single parent and we were n/c with his father so we sort of just slotted together and made our own family.

We've since had another baby with dh. Ours is a relatively straightforward situation in that we are all living in the same house with no other adults or children involved. Dh has been in our lives since ds was a baby so it's all we've ever known.

Whenever I read stuff on here though I always wonder how on earth things can ever be fair on the children involved when they're all living in different homes.

So many times there are situations where the stepmum is jealous of her new husbands relationship with his existing children. Or resents him paying maintenance. Even where she wants him to see them less often so he's got more time for her, their children together.

Lots of arguments over who should pay for what, whether non blood relatives should treat step children the same.

Holidays, sleeping arrangements, inheritance, different styles of parenting, differing finances, distance between families all seem to cause problems.

Seems like so many people want a new relationship and their own family, without any of the responsibility for existing children.

I already feel sorry for my eldest because he's dhs step child. Even though dh has been around since he was a baby. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if he was packed off to his bio dad once a fortnight, separated from his sibling, a stepmum who resented his existence, moaning that I should be paying for his holidays or school shoes rather than taking from his dad. Knowing that any half siblings had a more settled arrangement.

I know it seems extreme but sometimes I think people should just stick to one lot of children. It just seems like when people meet new partners any existing children get relegated.

The slightly odd thing OP is that you appear to be blind to your own situation. As separated parents that's where the potential trouble starts, not necessarily with our own personal choices to blend a family or not - we can't control what the other parent does - no more can you. You may be NC with you DC's Dad, but had he got a new partner? New children? Might your DC go looking for his dad one day and find him married, living with other children with him having been ignore his whole youth? That cause as much damage as any of the scenarios you suggested. Very bizarre that you don't appear to recognise that you live in the territory of blended families too, just because you believe you've replaced bio-Dad with step-Dad...

Ignore the many typos, sodding phone

Notrumpole if you actually read my posts you would see that several times I've said that I worry about my ds pretty much for all the reasons you have said.

Show me a single post where I've said that my situation is ok and anyone else's isn't?

My ds biological father had an affair when ds was tiny. She didn't know he had a child and when she found out she made it clear she didn't want to be involved with someone that had a child. So he made the choice.

Actually, I agree with the op. Im a single mum and dont want a stepdad for my kids, they have a dad. I have seen cases where single mums or dads remarry and have another child. It is never the same for the existing child and the new one, a stepparent will never love someone elses child like their own. They are never equal. To me doing that isnt fair on the existing children but I get other people may have had better experiences which work for them

already feel sorry for my eldest because he's dhs step child. Even though dh has been around since he was a baby. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if he was packed off to his bio dad once a fortnight, separated from his sibling, a stepmum who resented his existence, moaning that I should be paying for his holidays or school shoes rather than taking from his dad. Knowing that any half siblings had a more settled arrangement.

The above is exactly what I said in my op. I've said more since.

The problem doesn't so much lie with me 'replacing' his dad with step dad as you put it (which I haven't).

The problem lies with the selfish father and his new wife who may decide that they can simply replace ds with their own new children. They will be the ones causing him trauma, sadly there's little I can do to control that.

People ask me about our set up, but I can't honestly guarantee that growing up with a step parent and then adding a new sibling won't have any impact on ds

Why does it have to be a negative impact?

My DSC love me and I love them. They've asked if me and DP will have a baby as they want a sibling. If we do have a baby, it won't be to replace the DSC, they are our family and all it will mean is that the family will be bigger.

Any family, blended or not, can be good or bad but that is mostly dependent on the adults involved.

Kind of get what you mean I think.

Have never seen it work out equally well for all involved. I've seen it work out very well for some or all of the adult parents. I've seen it work out well for some or all of the children. I've seen it work out for some of the adults, and all of the children. I've seen it work well for some of the adults and some of the children. I've never seen it work out for all the adults AND all of the children in an equal way. I think someone always ends up a bit pushed to the side, often because they have a less pushy or more caring nature than some of the others involved. By this I mean that some of the adults or children did have to make significant compromises that they probably wouldn't have had to face otherwise.

They might have had to face different compromises in a non-blended situation though. We are just better as a society at helping people face the compromises within non-blended families, because their is more tradition/experience round that (although there are plenty of scapegoats and golden children in non-blended families).

That said, sometimes I have seen situations where the only thing to keep two households out of fairly dire poverty was blending. But I've also seen that have bad effects down the line.

Honestly, I have yet to see an instance where it was the best thing for everyone involved. By this I mean something can work out well enough, but not be the best thing. I have seen times when it was very much the best thing for the parents. And to be fair, where it was the best thing for the parents and didn't actively harm the children, or was pretty good for the kids, it just wasn't optimum for the kids.

Do think things are different if families blend due to bereavement rather than divorce, if the bereaved have sufficient time to grieve and move on before blending happens. I don't think that, as a society, we have yet learned to cope well enough with the effects of divorce, especially on children. And I don't think we're honest enough about it yet to learn to cope with it properly. There's lots of hoping for the best, muddling through and stating things like "children are resilient" which isn't always the whole picture.

I've also seen plenty of times that some/all of the adults think it works well for the children because children generally want to please their parents (especially in situations where they have learned that sometimes one parent leaves the family home and doesn't come back). I put that down to a variety of things.

People want to look on the bright side and make the best of things, sadly, people also sometimes only see what they want to see. I also think that there is a terrible stigma attached to putting your own needs before those of your children, so people want to square the circle- "I can have the relationship I want and it's the best thing for the children! See, I'm not being selfish!", whereas actually it would be healthier for it to be ok sometimes to put yourself ahead of your kids, as long as you don't actually harm your kids. If that was the case, I think people would look at blended arrangements with more open eyes, and that would work out a lot better in the long run.

I can't imagine how horrible it would be if he was packed off to his bio dad once a fortnight, separated from his sibling, a stepmum who resented his existence, moaning that I should be paying for his holidays or school shoes rather than taking from his dad.

Yep because that's exactly how step mums react.

Stop being so ridiculous

The problem lies with the selfish father and his new wife who may decide that they can simply replace ds with their own new children. They will be the ones causing him trauma, sadly there's little I can do to control that.

Stop being so hysterical.

But that is how some stepmothers react.

But that is how some stepmothers react.

The key is some. Not all mothers are great either.

It's a stereotype.

Bluebell I think on the whole dh has as a step parent a positive impact on ds. He's gained something he wouldn't have otherwise had.

I think it can be a bit of a double edged sword. You're gaining something but losing something else.

One example I can think of is a friend who married her dh, once they had their own dc she started taking a big dislike to her stepson. A dislike to his mother. She'd try in subtle little ways to push him away, arranging things during his contact time, holidays without him organised by her parents.

I don't think she saw what she was doing at all, she'd blame it on the boys behaviour, or his mum not disciplining him at home. She very much saw herself as the victim.

It's clear from this thread that not everyone is like that.

Wow your op is dumb for all sort of reasons. But in short YABU. Or really short sighted. Or dumb. Im not sure which. You are part of a blended family. Which for all accounts and purposes seems to be working even despite your worries. So you have proven the very premise of your op wrong yourself. The alternative of what you are suggesting is that when relationships break down, and someone finds themselves a single parent , its harmful to the children to 'endure' a blended relationship so said single parent has to stay single until when? Children are adults? Adult children given parent permission to date again? Sure lots of blended families dont work out. But you know what makes a blended family possible? The fucking break down of what was initially a non blended (cant think of the right word) family. Funnily enough no one is wondering if non blended families ever work.

The OP says 'may', and it's an entirely reasonable fear.

Nobody is saying all stepmothers are like that.

Piglet I'm not 'hysterical' thanks.

My sons dad doesn't see him because his new girlfriend at the time didn't want to be with a man that had children. Also because he's a spineless waste of time.

I'm not hysterical that it's traumatic that my sons father has chosen not to see him for years and years.

Families are all different and you only hear the problems on here as it is a biased sample. Everyone has their problems.
Ask the kids when they grow up and you will get your answer.
I am always surprised by the inheritance issues in a blended family.

Nice OP. Not . You're being v v judgemnental. Can you really not see that in your situation you have been very lucky? Carrying this to its ultimate confusion, you maybe wouldn't have gone on to have more children either.

I think it can work. My ex SIL is a fantastic step mother, involved and scrupulously fair in how her step son and own son are treated for example, if she buys her child an expensive treat - just because, her much older step son will be given cash to that value as well, he lived equally between both homes and no one moans about it. It just seems to work for them but she is very relaxed.

I do agree with the OP in some ways though that often it doesn't work and in my opinion it's usually because at least one of the adults involved is being difficult and expecting everyone else to dance to their tune and/or making issues and getting uptight where there really is no need, usually through jealousy and wanting to come first. I see that a LOT on the step board.

I don't think OP deserves the roasting she's getting, she's not wrong but the subject matter makes people very defensive.

Wow. Goady OP, much.

Believe it or not, some adults are capable of maintaining a harmonious coparenting relationship.

But yeah, my step DC shouldn't have come to live with DH and I. DH should have stayed in his miserable marriage, or been a single dad, which would clearly be the better option. My step DC should absolutely have been deprived of a motherly relationship when their own mother couldn't be arsed with them. They should just suck that up, right?

Same as my DD shouldn't have step siblings that shock, horror, actually brighten her life up and give her the company she wouldn't have as an only child.

Christmas isn't a battle ground either. This is the DCs home so they are with us until the evening when they see their other parents. Even more shocking, we've somehow managed to arrange for the DCs to attend the schools that they want to (not the same schools) and have actually organised our wills fairly!

Seriously OP, you're insulting step parents everywhere. Your attitude is a disgrace.

Why are people just making stuff up that the OP is supposed to be thinking about their personal situation?

I'm not hysterical that it's traumatic that my sons father has chosen not to see him for years and years.

My DSC 'D'M has nothing to with her DC. Moved to other side of the world to be with latest bf. She told them she didn't want to see them. That is traumatic.

MsGameandWatch - Perhaps because of statements like this?

I know it seems extreme but sometimes I think people should just stick to one lot of children.

Because apparently that's the only option in the OP's mind, despite any of the relevant background circumstances!

Well it's not is it? Because she said "sometimes" she thinks this. She's Mullins something over from her own experiences not sternly demanding that everyone stays in unhappy relationships.

As I said though, it obviously is a subject people get very defensive about.

Mulling not Mullins obviously.

It's a good job your DH didn't have your attitude then OP, or he'd have run screaming from a single mother with a young baby and uninterested ex boyfriend.