To wonder if blended families ever really work?

[Safaribaby]

I'm not knocking anyone. When I met dh I already had a baby, I was a single parent and we were n/c with his father so we sort of just slotted together and made our own family.

We've since had another baby with dh. Ours is a relatively straightforward situation in that we are all living in the same house with no other adults or children involved. Dh has been in our lives since ds was a baby so it's all we've ever known.

Whenever I read stuff on here though I always wonder how on earth things can ever be fair on the children involved when they're all living in different homes.

So many times there are situations where the stepmum is jealous of her new husbands relationship with his existing children. Or resents him paying maintenance. Even where she wants him to see them less often so he's got more time for her, their children together.

Lots of arguments over who should pay for what, whether non blood relatives should treat step children the same.

Holidays, sleeping arrangements, inheritance, different styles of parenting, differing finances, distance between families all seem to cause problems.

Seems like so many people want a new relationship and their own family, without any of the responsibility for existing children.

I already feel sorry for my eldest because he's dhs step child. Even though dh has been around since he was a baby. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if he was packed off to his bio dad once a fortnight, separated from his sibling, a stepmum who resented his existence, moaning that I should be paying for his holidays or school shoes rather than taking from his dad. Knowing that any half siblings had a more settled arrangement.

I know it seems extreme but sometimes I think people should just stick to one lot of children. It just seems like when people meet new partners any existing children get relegated.

[feedingducks]

Love

[feedingducks]

I guess you must have to really love a person to take on and live thier kids. Not something i could do even thougj ive got kids myself. Have accepted I wont have a relationship till they grow up as easier and better for us that way. Am also scared of them feeling second to a partner.

[Crowdblundering]

I go out of my way to be a good step mum.

I have 3 kids of my own and OH has three.

I take days off work and do a 300 mile round trip to collect my DSDs, I took them on holiday without OH, NEVER slag off their mum (went out of my way to be friends) and I don't make plans while they are here while staying in the background so they can have time with their dad.

My DSDS love me, confide in me and know that I love them and that I have chosen to be in this situation (which is not always easy).

Yes, it really can work.

[CosyCoupe88]

Yabu and pretty awful

[Isthisusernamefree]

Again though, what about if the mother does that? Why is it always the father having a new wife and more kids that presents the problem?

The new baby on the mother's side gets to stay with the mum 100% of the time and the kids have to 'go away to dad's on the weekend' and the baby gets to stay home. The kids have to share their mum with a baby who gets her attention every day of it's life. That's no different to a father having another baby with his new partner and the kids having to share their dad and the baby getting to stay with him 100% of the time.

My step sons' mum had a baby with her new partner and the kids love him, but they've never expressed any resentment that they have to come to our house. My OH and I are having a baby and the kids are super excited about it. It wasn't (for either us or DSSs' mum) about 'needing a child together', we all wanted more than two children so why shouldn't we have had more once in a stable and loving partnership? Both parties discussed the plans with DSSs and made sure they were happy and on board.

Obviously I get that this is not always the case and new babies can breed resentment, but in my experience, that resentment comes from begrudging adults being indiscreet within earshot of impressionable children. But you can't tell how the kids are really going to react until it happens, then it's how you deal with it going forward that matters.

I really do think it's unfair to point the finger at dad's in general getting remarried and having more children, whilst mother's generally do not face the same sort of attitudes. And again, I do understand that some dad's are shit and swan off and have a whole new family and forget about the kids they have (my bio dad did just that and my step mother had A LOT to do with it), but many many dads do nothing of the sort, fight for their children and do everything they can to do right by them. And these dads are the ones who get completely overlooked and tarred with the same stereotypical brush of 'feckless fathers'.

[Safaribaby]

Sharing is probably the wrong word. Spread more thinly. There was a thread not so long ago where a woman was pregnant, she and her dh lived like 109 miles from his other dc, she wanted him to cut contact for a few weeks until after she'd given birth. She wanted him to be on call and read baby books with her.

I felt sympathy for all involved to be honest. It just sounded so difficult to manage.

I always imagine it might be easier to manage if everyone lives in the same house, maybe not.

As loads of people have pointed out even traditional families can be difficult.

[phoenixtherabbit]

I suppose what I'd ask is honestly, how would you and your dc feel if you and dh split up and he had a couple more with a new wife? What if she wasn't so keen on your dc and resented them a bit? Suddenly they'd have to share their dad, there'd be various new relationships to try to work around.

I wouldn't necessarily be unhappy if oh wanted more children. I don't want any more children (him either to be honest) but I wouldn't be unhappy if ds had a younger sibling.

If he got a new wife and she hated my dc? Well id think my ex had incredibly bad taste in women but there's nothing you can do is there, of course I'd feel sad for my child and I'd try to address it but ultimately It would be out of my control and you can't tell your ex partner never to move on.

My ds shares his dad anyway with his half brother! And me for that matter!

[Safaribaby]

Seriously, calm down.

[MycatsaPirate]

You're really open are you?

Then why the goady judgy thread in the first place?

You sound like you think you are utterly perfect. You actually sound like my dp's ex. She slated him for living with me as I have children. She said that she had deliberately chosen a new partner whose children were now adults so that her dd would be the centre of attention.

Life doesn't work like that.

[peoplepleaser70]

My blended family works perfectly 😊 My eldest DS lives with his DF for half the week. He has the best relationship with him. He spends the other half of the week with me DP and his DB. My DPs parents treat my eldest as there own. Me and his DF do parents Evening together. My exDP picks up my youngest DS from school if I am stuck and takes him to his until I finish work. We all love and respect each other and always put the 2 children first and that is the key to it all. I know I/we are very lucky.

[Safaribaby]

Phoenix it's not that you shouldn't.

I suppose what I'd ask is honestly, how would you and your dc feel if you and dh split up and he had a couple more with a new wife? What if she wasn't so keen on your dc and resented them a bit? Suddenly they'd have to share their dad, there'd be various new relationships to try to work around.

Yes I know that this could happen to me or to anyone, I just think you shouldn't go into it if you're not fully committed to treating all the dc fairly and equally.

[phoenixtherabbit]

For some people it's not necessarily about needing a child together, in my situation i didn't have any children before I met oh. I have always wanted a child of my own, and it didn't occur to me that I shouldn't do that because he already had one.

[Safaribaby]

Really is annoying when people can't be bothered to read the full thread then just go spouting off.

I've been really open about our set up, what works and what my possible concerns are.

[feedingducks]

Rainbows totally agree about the 'need a child together'

[Safaribaby]

Mycatsapirate what are you talking about? You quite clearly haven't rtft or you'd know the answer to your questions.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

I think it depends on your take on "really works". MN is very different to real life, on here is very opposite ends of the spectrum. In real life, I don't know of any blended family that "really works" more like tolerated as no other choice. Every adul I know who grew up in a blended family wouldn't repeat the experience due to its negatives.

I feel far too many add to the existing chidren as they believe another child of their "own" is needed. It's not always in the best interests of the existing child or the new child but parents wants come first.

[Sallystyle]

Mine works really well but there were no children on 'new husband's' side.

I am not just saying that, it's true. Mine were so young when I met my husband though that they grew up with him and can't remember a great deal of life without him in it.

Of course they were upset when me and their dad first divorced but they adjusted very well. I was also very good friends with my ex and his wife and we all worked together to do what was best for the kids. When their dad died the fact that I was good friends with their step mum was a great comfort to us all. We were crap married together but co-parenting we did a good job of and a part from a few teething problems right after the start after we separated we were all friends and happy.


So yes, sometimes they work well. My children are all happy and have always got on well great with their step father and he loves them like they are his bio children.

[MycatsaPirate]

So you had a child and then the dad did a runner or you refused to let him have contact (don't know which because you haven't said). And then proceeded to have a second child with a second man.

Now what happen's if your partner leaves you? Will you just send the youngest for contact or will you send both? Does your oldest know he's not your partner's bio child? Do you even think outside your cosy bubble? You have NO idea what your future holds and coming on here slating off other families is really naive and just a bit judgy.

You could find yourself being a step mum in the future. You could face having to deal with your kids going off to their dads eow or on a 50/50 basis. How will YOU deal with that?

FWIW dp and I have four between us, 2 each aged from 21 to 11 and we have dealt with it all over the last 5 years. There was absolutely no question of ever bringing another child into the mix, we had enough to deal with and knew it would be grossly unfair on the existing dc to even think about it. I would have loved to have had a baby with dp but we put the kids first.

We have a relatively good relationship with them all now except his youngest DD who is still being a typical 13 year old and refusing to come and visit. But we are working on it.

[springflowers11]

YANBU but no-one is going to come on here and admit they have made their DC's lives miserable.
Not quite as bad when parent and new partner have new child usually, but assimilating unrelated children existing into the same family is usually horrible and damaging for all of them.

[feedingducks]

With regards to the comment about not saying mums should stay single after divorce/separation etc, i agree to an extent but the kids didnt ask to be born and i feel it is sometimes unfair to expect them to accept a new relationship. I think someone said upthread when is the time to meet someone? I think it depends on the needs of the children and of that means waiting till theyre 18 so be it.

[MacTweedy]

@TheGaleanthropist - I honestly think everyone in our blended family is happy!
When I see posts about 'a step parent can never love step children the same' etc I feel devastated. I love my stepmum like a mum and would be heartbroken to think she didn't think of me in the same way. Maybe I've just been naive. I'm actually really sad now.

[Safaribaby]

I also didn't say that everyone should just stay single once they're divorced from their children's other parent.

What I think is wrong is when people get into new relationships then resent each others children. Whether it's money, time spent or whatever else. I've seen stepdads push children out of the home too, over time. Some of those people then seem to think they are entitled to have more children whatever the cost.

Usernamefree I think the reason step mums get a bad rep is because usually, children live with their mums, so we don't hear much about stepdads. Stepmums tend to be the the father (the nrp) so they have to navigate the relationship from a distance. Plus society tends to give women a hard time.

I've known a few terrible bordering on abusive step dads too.

[Isthisusernamefree]

Firstly, I haven't rtft, I've read about 3/4 and that was more than enough.

On threads like these there is always a lot of people going on about step mothers changing the family dynamic and being awful and not putting the kids first. No one seems to really mention the mothers who install a step father who isn't up to scratch. My mother married a man who i didn't get on with for years, who made me miserable. Did she put me first and get rid? Did she heck. She had another kid with him and he's still there to this day (our relationship is much better but the past still haunts us).

However, I love that kid (who is now an adult) and the fact her dad was different to mine never impacted our relationship.

I'm a step mother and over the past 3 years, yes I've made some changes after discussion with the kids' dad, because we're a family now and he's no longer a single father. When I decided to be with him, I decided to take on his children and I work so hard to make sure that they are put first. When I met my OH he had his kids 3 nights a month and he was miserable with this, his relationship with the kids mum was in tatters and together, we worked towards a better relationship and his contact increased to 3 nights a week. I know this isn't every step mother's experience and I'm certainly not saying it's not hard work, some days I question my sanity, but none of this was the kids' fault and their upbringing comes first.

I guess my point is, I'm sick to death of the stereotype of shit step mums who are selfish and steal the dad from the kids. Yeah this happens in some cases and it's horrendous, but there are so many of us out there doing our best and making the best lives we can for our step kids while they're in our care.

I wish people would start threads about how well their blended family is doing or the positives they've had and the triumphs. Maybe that would go some way to changing the stereotype of the 'evil step mum'.