To wonder if blended families ever really work?

[Safaribaby]

I'm not knocking anyone. When I met dh I already had a baby, I was a single parent and we were n/c with his father so we sort of just slotted together and made our own family.

We've since had another baby with dh. Ours is a relatively straightforward situation in that we are all living in the same house with no other adults or children involved. Dh has been in our lives since ds was a baby so it's all we've ever known.

Whenever I read stuff on here though I always wonder how on earth things can ever be fair on the children involved when they're all living in different homes.

So many times there are situations where the stepmum is jealous of her new husbands relationship with his existing children. Or resents him paying maintenance. Even where she wants him to see them less often so he's got more time for her, their children together.

Lots of arguments over who should pay for what, whether non blood relatives should treat step children the same.

Holidays, sleeping arrangements, inheritance, different styles of parenting, differing finances, distance between families all seem to cause problems.

Seems like so many people want a new relationship and their own family, without any of the responsibility for existing children.

I already feel sorry for my eldest because he's dhs step child. Even though dh has been around since he was a baby. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if he was packed off to his bio dad once a fortnight, separated from his sibling, a stepmum who resented his existence, moaning that I should be paying for his holidays or school shoes rather than taking from his dad. Knowing that any half siblings had a more settled arrangement.

I know it seems extreme but sometimes I think people should just stick to one lot of children. It just seems like when people meet new partners any existing children get relegated.

But butterflies couldn't you say that about any family or upbringing?

Yes its all us stepmums fault, We are awful, I hope your child never gets a step mum op...

I've massively improved my SCs lives. And my kids finally have a good relationship role model. It's not all doom and gloom. 90% great 10% bollocks like most of life.

So you shouldn't have had your second child if you are following your own thoughts? Your DP shouldn't have been given the chance to be a Dad to a child that is biologically his because you had already had a child?

As others have pointed out, people are usually on here asking for advice when things aren't going great. If things are going well, they don't need advice!

Thegreylady that's a bit different to what I'm thinking. Yours is a fairly straightforward situation. Where the dad has got kids with his ex wife, kids with his new wife, new wife has got children already too. It just seems virtually impossible to treat all the dc equally.

Cmamao not once have I said everything is a stepmothers fault and all stepmothers are evil. But ye, I hope my dc don't have a stepmum too, ideally things will stay as they are.

Sometimes, everyone involved likes each other, and everyone gets along just fine.

It's for this reason I don't post anything on the step parent board.... it would be boring.

Why is it impossible to treat the children the same?

Your dh manages it, is there a reason why us mere mortals cannot manage it?

It's not all the stepmother's fault at all. What happened in my family is that as soon as any new partner (stepmothers or fathers) came along the focus was on the new relationship and the children were just a hindrance.
Obviously a kind stepmother/father could potentially make things better in this situation, but when it is awful I would say it is the biological parents' 'fault'.

I hope your kids don't end up with a step mum either, I imagine she'd have an especially hard time of it!

But OP surely many of the potential pit falls of blended families still apply to you? Your DS may not have his dad or paternal family around a lot of potential trauma right there I'd have thought but you still have to contend with his step-Dad's family and their relationship with him? Do they treat him as one of the family? Is there a difference made between him and he biological grandchildren? Because if not, why do you think it would be any different if his dad was still around?

I'm a step mother (granted a divorced one but who still has her step children come and stay and they do not see their dad) and to a degree I agree with you.

Yes it can work but it has more potential to be a shower of shit than a lot of situations and it is one that often starts from a parent considering their own wishes and feeling above the child's. because in reality how many of us would really go down the road of saying... I know I'm going to find a random turn them into a parent of existing children and streadfastly expect everybody to be perfectly happy with the situation at all times all because I fell in love, It's just not realistic but it is in essence what happens.

I think it takes someone very sensible to get it right, when it's right it can be wonderful but I also think a lot of people think they are getting it right when in reality they are messing up. But the same could be said for most mistakes and many situations.

I spent yesterday chatting to a step mum who very obviously takes perverse pleasure from her partner ditching his own kids in favour of hers and preventing financial support to dads yet she totally believed she was not prioritising any above any other, it was quite distressing and very uncomfortable to listen to.

Some work, some don't.

Personally I decided long ago that I would not be in that situation because of my own experiences growing up, but thats just me. It has nothing to do with anyone elses family.

Bluebell I think that's just it though. We didn't have another baby to give dh the chance to be a father, because he was a father in every sense of the word. We did it in the end because we felt it would change our family dynamic for the better and that the benefits of ds having a sibling was enough.

Now I am not saying it isn't like that for other people. I am not saying that our lives are perfect with no potential for it to go wrong. Luckily dhs family treat the dc the same, they were brilliant with ds before his sibling came along.

I can't imagine dh refusing to pay for ds holiday or some new shoes because it's not his child.

Of course there will be plenty of step mums and dads just the same. Although I see plenty on here and in real life begrudging maintenance or begrudging the step children time or money because they aren't their biological children. It's those situation where I can't help wondering why that step parent bothered marrying the mum/dad and having more babies if they begrudge the step children the same as their own.

I can't imagine dh refusing to pay for ds holiday or some new shoes because it's not his child.

That's funny because I'm a step mum and I pay for everything for ss. Guess what - his actual mum won't contribute anything towards him because he doesn't live there anymore.

It's not just the fact that you're a biological parent or a step parent, it's just whether you're a decent person. Some people are, some people are not.

Oh and just to add, I don't actually blame the step parent as much as I'd blame the biological parent for allowing a new relationship or new child to interfere with their relationship with their existing children.

I'm genuinely glad to hear that it works well for some people. It's lovely to hear of grown up children still having a positive relationship with their step parent.

I think the adults involved have to really want to put the dc first. I think the saying 'you have to love your children more than you hate you ex' is accurate. Although I'd add to that your new spouses ex and your exes new spouse.

I think children and parents can have very different ideas about how well their blended family works.

Phoenix I agree I think all too often I've seen the other side of things.

You should never judge ever!
You have no idea what is going on in others homes as they don't yours.
As a step parent I have custody of my DSS as his mother is useless, so shall I slate birth mothers or birth fathers as my DS's father buggered off and has no contact?
My 2 (yes mine) are treated exactley the same always even though my DSS is spoilt by the mothers family, my family treat both the boys the same as I don't have it any other way.
Have I struggled ... damn right I have, has DH damn right he has.
Does it work, well only time will tell 10 years in and it has so far BUT what we do is put everyone first, the family and who evers need are greatest at the time. No one is more important the the other ever.
I hope that your DS never has this situation with his step parent but you never know, don't put yourself on a pedestal when you have no idea of how hard it is!

You probably have, and I gre up in the other side of things, my dad was crap anyway but worse every time he got a new girlfriend and my step dad (not any more my mum remarried a lovely bloke and I treat him as my dad now) was a total shit who hated me.

However I think I'm a half decent step mum, I certainly treat ss better than his own mother does and I have acted significantly better throughout the whole situation than she has. But - it is certainly not the case in all blended families.

To judge all on a few is unfair. You're right though, some blended families just don't work. It's the hardest job in the world being a step parent.

I spent yesterday chatting to a step mum who very obviously takes perverse pleasure from her partner ditching his own kids in favour of hers and preventing financial support to dads yet she totally believed she was not prioritising any above any other, it was quite distressing and very uncomfortable to listen to

NeedsAsockamnesty This is exactly what's happened in my situation and for that reason, I am glad that my DS no longer has a father who will put his shitty partner above his own flesh and blood.

I think it can work but often it doesn't and that the adults involved are often far more positive about the outcomes than the children. And the number of people who don't get on with their partners children but who nevertheless decide to marry them and have children with them is insane.

I'm a child of a blended family and if my parents had stayed together my life would be so different, and for the worse!

My DF and DSM have had a child together and she is like my best friend. The relationship between my DC and my DSM, their Granny, is amazing. I'm very lucky to have the family I do- when asked, my DSM says she has 2 children (me included) and I really would be lost without her. Further, my sister (half sister if you want to be pedantic) and my mum buy Christmas and birthday presents for each other and my sister comes to meals etc with my mums family. Even my Mums Dad (so nothing to do with DSis) sends her money for Christmas etc.

You're way off the mark OP. It really can work if you're not arseholes.

Really op?? Your so negative on stepmums..

Yes hopefully your child won't get a stepmum..I would feel so sorry for the stepmum if she had you to contend with...

Armpitz sadly I've seen that be all too true as well.

People ask me about our set up, but I can't honestly guarantee that growing up with a step parent and then adding a new sibling won't have any impact on ds.

Actually despite all the negative I did know one lady and she and her dh were paying the exes mortgage as well as maintenance. So that the ex didn't lose the house, so that the children didn't have to see their mum lose the house. This was despite on of the dc choosing to live with the dad anyway.

Someone asked the lady how she managed to put up with that. Her answer was she couldn't be with someone that didn't put his children first. Even though she wasn't keen on the ex she loved his kids and knew that they loved their mum.

I think anyone here whose parents went through divorce are giving better and more balanced responses than "you're a knob". That's the experience of the children, not the adults

You'll only hear the bad stuff about blended families online but seriously of course it goes wrong often too.

I recognise the really defensive tones here from my own parents who wailed they were "trying their best" and actually their resentment was the defining thing to my childhood.

If you're screeching so much about how wrong OP is and not giving balanced posts I'm guessing (if you're from a blended family) you're not yet in a regular pattern of family life and still working it out. Keep trying, and FYI kids pick up on so much tension than you may realise

To anyone dealing with an unreasonable family member, keep fighting the good fight :) Sometimes there are villains, but none of us are assuming that's you!