To wonder if blended families ever really work?

[Safaribaby]

I'm not knocking anyone. When I met dh I already had a baby, I was a single parent and we were n/c with his father so we sort of just slotted together and made our own family.

We've since had another baby with dh. Ours is a relatively straightforward situation in that we are all living in the same house with no other adults or children involved. Dh has been in our lives since ds was a baby so it's all we've ever known.

Whenever I read stuff on here though I always wonder how on earth things can ever be fair on the children involved when they're all living in different homes.

So many times there are situations where the stepmum is jealous of her new husbands relationship with his existing children. Or resents him paying maintenance. Even where she wants him to see them less often so he's got more time for her, their children together.

Lots of arguments over who should pay for what, whether non blood relatives should treat step children the same.

Holidays, sleeping arrangements, inheritance, different styles of parenting, differing finances, distance between families all seem to cause problems.

Seems like so many people want a new relationship and their own family, without any of the responsibility for existing children.

I already feel sorry for my eldest because he's dhs step child. Even though dh has been around since he was a baby. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if he was packed off to his bio dad once a fortnight, separated from his sibling, a stepmum who resented his existence, moaning that I should be paying for his holidays or school shoes rather than taking from his dad. Knowing that any half siblings had a more settled arrangement.

I know it seems extreme but sometimes I think people should just stick to one lot of children. It just seems like when people meet new partners any existing children get relegated.

You're assuming that all step children get treated differently?

I treat my step son in exactly the same way I will treat my son when he is his age, there is an 11 year age gap, so no they probably don't get treated exactly the same at the moment because they have completely different needs.

Does your dh treat your children differently? I'm guessing he does not, and yet your first child is not biologically his.

A lot of step parents struggle like fuck to do the right thing, when often nobody knows what the right thing is. You please the child, but you piss of the ex wife. You pleased ex wife but your relationship suffers for it. You can't win being a step parent sometimes, and then there's people like you on Internet forums full of ignorant views feeling sorry for people's children when I'm actual fact in a lot of cases, you don't need to because they're happy!

What a vile post .

Surely when your son grows up and starts asking questions about his dad and his lack of contact - this "angst" you speak of will be exactly the same in your situation .

Mumsnet has really gone downhill recently with the depressive negative posts focused on judgement of others

Actually op in terms of Christmas my DS get a massive amount of presents more so that my other two. He gets from me and dh, my family, dh family, his DF and DW DS DF parents are split so he gets off both of them plus his DW family. I think he must get over a 1000 pounds in gifts alone if not more. DS also gets two holidays a year. Where as my other two get one and he gets two birthdays a year so it's not necessarily a bad thing. It all has it's good points and bad points but DS has four people who care and love him and is a happy child.

Regardless of what you've said I can't help but laugh that you yourself have had 2 'sets ' of children. Just because your ex isn't on the scene doesn't mean he won't be in the future and even if he isn't on the scene you still have the distinction between your first child not being the child of your new partner...Which may or may not cause issues in the future.

Personally I disagree with what you've said. I know many families who aren't blended, doesn't make them happy. Full siblings who don't get on etc. Each family is different . I just can't help but be amused that you're criticising what you yourself have done.

I think YANBU to question it... as long as you also question whether, given that all types of families have all kinds of shit going on, it is generally pretty selfish to bring children into this world at all, to inevitably suffer and ultimately die, whether or not all parents remain together. Otherwise, horses for courses...

OP, FWIW I think you make some very valid points. My own experiences of blended families have been utterly miserable, including my father's remarriage following my mother's death.

Indeed in my own case, my ex-h upped and left having had an affair with DS was 2.5. His "partner" is vile beyond description. She has finally persuaded my ex-h that he should cut our DS (now 6) out of his life which has now done. In the midst of all of this, my teenage DD had a nervous breakdown. My children have been terribly damaged by it all despite my best efforts to protect them. Obviously, this isn't the same for everybody and many blended families work very well I am sure, I just haven't seen that myself.

I don't think you deserve some of the nasty comments you have had thrown at you.

Terrible typo when DS was 2.5

Wow. Gobsmackingly judgemental & nasty.

I'm not even involved in any form of step parenting and I'm finding it very difficult not to tell you what I think of your bloody awful attitude in a way that won't get my post deleted.

If you get your arse handed to you on a plate, you well deserve it.

Loving the irony in some of the responses here

e.g.,

"This is... extremely bitchy, judgemental...

You're an idiot..."

I didn't say my situation is great and everyone else's is shit. I did not say that once.

I said I already feel a bit sorry for ds even though he's happy and things are relatively straightforward right now.

Just because some people's experiences of blended families are awful doesn't mean all children in blended families suffer.

Children in non blended families sometimes suffer or are unhappy.

I don't think the OP has made any valid points actually!

We all know family life can be difficult and yes, it's probably more complicated in a new or blended family with competing needs.

But saying things like I know it seems extreme but sometimes I think people should just stick to one lot of children is just absurd.
(And its really absurd when you've done just that, but don't seem to acknowledge that you have)

Hmm, histiny, I think the "sometimes I think" bit has that one covered. It's just a thought she's wondered about, and she's discussing it.

YANBU
My experience of blended families, from a child's point of view, has been utterly miserable. The OP's emphasis on the children's experience is important.
While a child might seem well adjusted on the outside, it doesn't mean they are. There are lots of reasons why children in these situations don't reveal (or understand) their feelings.

My post wasn't ironic. Get a grip.

True, true!

Op, I live in a blended family. I don't think its perfect, it can be quite problematic at times, however we're all doing our best.

Je ne regrette rien!

Actually I've said several times that I've got two children and that the only difference is that we all live under one roof.

I often wonder what would happen if his dad suddenly came on the scene (unlikely), or if dh and I split, or if things got messy somewhere down the line with inheritance. On balance I felt the benefits outweighed the risks.

Well, it's a shame you were so selfish really isn't it...Getting into a new relationship and having another child, creating one of these bloody blended families. Tsk.

And here's one from my step-kids

On balance I felt the benefits outweighed the risks.

Mm, and I imagine that's how most people feel. We know it's not ideal - and anyone with any empathy or intelligence knows it's going to be harder than if it's both of your '1st relationship' - but still...the benefits of love, companionship, support, laughter, siblings etc, outweigh the risks.

YABVU.

DH and his ex split when their DD was two.

We met shortly after and the ex met a new man a year later.

DSD is with us 50/50. She is a delight and a very happy, settled child. She has two parents and two stepparents who love her very much. She also has a 2 year old half brother at her mums house which she dotes on.

She has never struggled being away from her mum and brother, and has never struggled being away from us when she is with her mum. She is very adaptable and has been her whole life. For example when she was going through a stage at age 4 of having nightmares every night, she would never wake up and call out for the wrong parent. She has never thought to want her mum when she is with us or vice versa. She loves both families but being apart from one whilst she is with the other has no effect on her at all.

Wow OP you do sound very judgemental - particularly as somebody who has a blended family of her own.

I know lots of blended families who manage just fine - the majority of people I know, on both sides, are normal, reasonable people who just happen to have been through a divorce. I imagine most people in that situation will bend over backwards to make it work for the sake of the DC involved.

Remember that in the online world, you generally only hear about the bad stuff.

I think all the grown ups need to act like grown ups. If someone doesnt you have a problem.

It shouldn't be hard but some don't manage it.

YABU because you're taking your views from mn where almost certainly someone is being unreasonable.

Also look at all the non blended families that don't work - ie. someone is EA or otherwise abusive, someone is a bad parent etc.

There is nothing wrong in the concept of blended families but nobody knows the effect of blended families and true outcome until the children are actually grown.

That's the outcome that actually shows if it's worked out ok.

Ours has worked for almost 30 years. When we married we had 5 dc between us all teens between 12 and 17. Dh had custody of his 3 and I was a widow with two. All the dc supported our marriage, they all got along with very few problems. They are all in their 40s now with families of their own all but one are friends. Dsd has become nc with all of us since emigrating to Canada but until she was 30 all was well.
From the beginning we made no difference in our treatment of the dc and we both love them and our 9 dgc very much.