To wonder if blended families ever really work?

[Safaribaby]

I'm not knocking anyone. When I met dh I already had a baby, I was a single parent and we were n/c with his father so we sort of just slotted together and made our own family.

We've since had another baby with dh. Ours is a relatively straightforward situation in that we are all living in the same house with no other adults or children involved. Dh has been in our lives since ds was a baby so it's all we've ever known.

Whenever I read stuff on here though I always wonder how on earth things can ever be fair on the children involved when they're all living in different homes.

So many times there are situations where the stepmum is jealous of her new husbands relationship with his existing children. Or resents him paying maintenance. Even where she wants him to see them less often so he's got more time for her, their children together.

Lots of arguments over who should pay for what, whether non blood relatives should treat step children the same.

Holidays, sleeping arrangements, inheritance, different styles of parenting, differing finances, distance between families all seem to cause problems.

Seems like so many people want a new relationship and their own family, without any of the responsibility for existing children.

I already feel sorry for my eldest because he's dhs step child. Even though dh has been around since he was a baby. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if he was packed off to his bio dad once a fortnight, separated from his sibling, a stepmum who resented his existence, moaning that I should be paying for his holidays or school shoes rather than taking from his dad. Knowing that any half siblings had a more settled arrangement.

I know it seems extreme but sometimes I think people should just stick to one lot of children. It just seems like when people meet new partners any existing children get relegated.

[ProudBadMum]

Erm

So if you have one child and it doesn't work out with the other parent you should never have another?

Unless it's your situation where the dad disappeared?

What other rules should their me?

My son has a sister with me and a brother with his dad. Should those 2 have never been born?

[phoenixtherabbit]

My step son lives with me and my oh an our son. The only resentful nasty person in our situation is his mother.

Don't be so judgemental and narrow minded.

[GloucestershireGuy]

Anne No, when I said "but you did" I was responding to this: But surely you can see that there will be a natural bias on here, because people like me who don't have step parenting issues won't have anything to post?

Because you did post, several times.

Apologies, I was being a bit flippant.

I just felt that when you said things like "Christmas is easy" and "There is no need for it to cause any angst" you could have said "FOR US...." Several posts in quick succession seemed hugely defensive. You felt the OPs post was horrible. You're entitled to that opinion, just as she is allowed to express her thoughts. Others will side with you, others will side with her.

[phoenixtherabbit]

And before you say 'you knew what you were getting into when you found out he had children'

Nope. Didn't have a fucking clue how hard it would be, how many sacrifices we would have to make. Still do have to make. I don't remember the last time i actually made a decision on what i wanted rather than what was best for the kids.

I certainly underestimated how hard it would be and I'm sure it's the same for many others.

[Annesmyth123]

You were rude. And you don't like people having a set up that works for some reason. Odd.

Why should people with a good set up not post to counter the op ?

[Underthemoonlight]

You have a very narrow dim view about things op have you got your own concerns in regards to your dh and the potential future DC you have?

I can tell you my DS who is from a previous relationship had been in dh life since the age of 2 he adores his two siblings and dh, he sees his DF twice a week and they just have a had baby. Guess what there's minimal drama because we all work for the best interests of DS so it's not all doom and gloom.

[Safaribaby]

I'm not knocking all step mums because I can't possibly know every person.

In the ones I've known the existing children have suffered a lot, I don't think the step mums felt that they were being unfair though. They just had their own ideas how things should be.

If my ds was in contact with his dad I don't know what it would be like, but it's difficult to imagine how it could be fair for everyone.

[LolaTheDarkdestroyer]

I had kids when I met dp no dads involved though so my kids and ours together know him as dad. I wouldn't have got with someone that had kids as it would have been too complicated for me.
Everyone is different so maybe it works for some people.

[Annesmyth123]

My DC don't see a lot of theirmdad but they do see him whenever they like.

My DP dc see their mum whenever they like.

My Dc see me whenever they like.

How is that not fair for everyone?

[lalalalyra]

People with children shouldn't have relationships with people not prepared to put the kids first.

If a parent allows a new step parent to bake their child miserable, or changes the whole dynamic in a house (I know someone who's new partner is v.religious for example and they both expect her teens to tow the new line?) then family is likely to fail to some extent.

A lot of the time though there would be issues without even the stepparent aspect.

[Ginkypig]

The reason blended families often don't work is because the parents don't put the children first. I understand there are massive complications when one behaves like a cunt though

I come from a blended family. It worked very well

All three of my parents worked very very hard to make it work, there was sacrifice and compromise on both sides.

My (half) sibling were never seen as "half" my father became their uncle and their father was my stepdad. I love my younger siblings and they loved me and my father.

Christmas was a family affair so when we were at mums dad was invited and when we were at his mum (and stepdad, siblings) were invited. Some years we were all together some we weren't.

Summers saw us going to dads for most of it and my siblings coming every year or other year for a week to stay with us and uncle (my dad)

For it to work they had to learn that their relationship (past) was unimportant but the children they created absolutely were. Also my dad had to accept that the new husband was never going to replace him but that he was a part of the family now.

In the end they all three became friends and more importantly co-parents.

I'm now a stepmum and those lessons have been very important to my approach.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

The thing is, you're not going to hear from the ones where it's going well. Nobody asks a friend over for coffee to tell them how amazing it is to be a step-parent. Likewise, nobody posts on here to complain about how they get on with their step-kids mother.

All families are different - and even non-blended families have differing opinions! There are hundreds of posts on here where people complain that their partner disagrees with the naughty corner, bedtime, TV before school, pocket money, hobbies, diet, meal-times etc.

Being a blended family doesn't guarantee problems, just as being a non-blended family doesn't mean everything is always going to work out for the best.

[BillSykesDog]

Yes, I know plenty. I would say the majority I know work. I honestly believe most parents want what is best for their children and make it work.

[Safaribaby]

Underthemoonlight ours is reasonably straightforward. I met dh when ds was 6 months old. We have since had another child 'together'.

Although I have known situations where a step child has ended up in care or getting split up from siblings they've always lived with because of the death of a parent.

Anne I'm certainly not going to tell you your situation doesn't work. I'm totally prepared to accept if it can and does work. I'm just saying I've never personally seen it work out well for the children.

I think if my dh remarried and had more children it would be very tough on my dc suddenly having to share dh with a new wife AND new siblings that would no doubt have a whole different family dynamic.

[GloucestershireGuy]

Anne I don't believe I was any more rude than you were, telling the OP her post was horrible.

I have no problem with you stating you disagree with the OP and showing some positive stuff. "In my experience..." is always really useful. I read your posts as unnecessarily defensive, that was all - the OP wasn't attacking you, or every blended family.

[Ginkypig]

If you've never seen blended families that work then you need to look at the types of people your seeing as examples.

You seem to have imo a very skewed view of it and ignorant opinions.

[TescoCarrierBag]

Why say people should only have one child when you have two (with different dads) ?

[Annesmyth123]

GloucesterGuy so I'm to make uremyou approve my posts before I post them?

What rubbish.

[Annesmyth123]

*sure you

Or else you'll "have a problem" with them?

Who do you think you are?

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

I could understand your point of view more if you didn't have a blended family yourself!

What makes you so special, that you can have a blended family, your DC can have a Step-parent, but nobody else should?

[endlesshousecrap]

OP, yanbu. Though you'll find few people who will dare to agree with you, because it's not acceptable on here to point out blended families are hard work.

I know loads of happy, well adjusted kids from divorced or single parents. Mine included. Relationships break down, it happens. BUT I can barely think of any situation where parents have gone on to remarry and have more kids (where both already have kids of their own) and everyone's happy. I'm sure the parents are happy. The kids not so much.

A few years ago when I was single I met a guy (friend of friend) who I quite liked. It didn't go anywhere because I had 2 DC in secondary school and didn't want any more. He had 2 DC under 2 with an Ex (split up while she was pregnant) but wanted more kids, despite openly struggling to provide for the kids he had both financially and in time. He then had a baby with someone else. They split up after 2 years. He moved 500 miles away (so now barely sees the 3 DC) he now lives with his latest partner, and her 3 DC. She's also now pregnant. So that's now 7 children between them.

I don't get the compulsion people seem to have in a new relationship to have more and more children. That's even leaving aside the whole moving in together within a year which is crazy enough in itself. But if you have 2, or 3 children EACH already, why the need to have more children? Is it meant to be a proof of virility/ fertility?!

Let alone if you have 6 or more in your blended family where on earth do they all sleep?

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Why say people should only have one child when you have two (with different dads)

Exactly.

Your DC doesn't see their DF yet you seem to advocate that those DM and DF that do shouldn't have any more.

How hypocritical can you get!

[sobeyondthehills]

A quote I once heard was that you need to love your child more than you hate your ex.

As long as that is kept in mind, I would assume most blended families work.

[Safaribaby]

Hermione that's true there can be arguments and problems even in traditional set ups. I can think of a few of those too.

Ginky the people I'm thinking of are just regular people.

But I've seen posts on here where people tell the op they can't expect their husbands family to treat her children the same as they're not blood relatives, stuff like that. I always think it must be tough on the children, seeing their half/step siblings going on special days out or getting extra Christmas presents when they don't.

[expatinscotland]

People who live in glass houses really shouldn't play with stones.