AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

[FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite]

I'm posting this here as I literally don't know where else to turn. I have this horrid dirty secret that I don't tell anyone. My marriage of 10 years is on the brink of collapse over it.

My husband doesn't fancy me. He is loyal, devoted, caring. He is a brilliant father, housemate, all round lovely bloke BUT he had a sex drive of zero.

Before we met, when it was with casual partners, he did have a healthy sex drive. Many partners. In fact he appeared very highly sexed on our first couple of dates. Since then it's been all downhill.

When we do do it, the sex is good. But left to him? It would honestly happen about twice a year.

I confronted him about 6 months into our relationship. I just said fairly matter of factly that I was really happy together but guess maybe he wasn't as he obviously didn't fancy me. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, the 'need' just kind of doesn't take him. He reassured me over and over that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted as that was far from the truth.

Well, 10 years on? Essentially the situation is identical. Actually it's not, it's much much worse. We have had counseling (he never ends of sticking to whatever he's promised to do), he's watched me sob every time it reaches a head about every 3 months and he's watched my body image and self confidence sink to the depths.

Yes I know, in a perfect world I'd maintain that without the approval of anyone, but honestly? Being sexually ignored for 10 years by the person who should cherish you most is just soul destroying.

I feel duped I suppose. Before we got married he always had a reason that he hadn't thought to notice me for months, too tired, work too busy, life got in the way. He didn't want it to be like this either, he'd try and notice me a bit. He pushed and pushed to promise me that this wasn't going to be the sexless relationship he knew I didn't want.

I've done all the counseling activities. I've done all of the 'encouraging'. I'm just bloody fed up. I feel lonely and dried up and so so sad. I'm fed up with fighting to have a sex life.

My friends and tv and films always talk about men and their pesky sex drives. I sit there in silence feeling like a sexless lump.

My options are, split up and break up our family (kids) OR stay and accept feeling like this forever. I can't fight any more I'm so tired and humiliated.

So. AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

Actually i didnt suggest they should be ashamed, i asked if they felt that way as i do and was trying to understand if that is common. I did not say they dhould feel like that. You are reacting very strongly to my posts. I never mentioned rape, you are not getting what i am saying just taking it incredibly personally. It doesnt make me an insensitive mum bringing shame on my children any more than you might teach yours its normal to have sex all the time. I am capable of teaching my children thanks my vies are not theirs. We have different views. Just like the op and her dh. Im not in a relationship as it happens because of it. Lets agree to differ. Your bold posts arent necessary. I get what you are saying. You are not prepared to get what i am. Am leaving the thread now so as not to derail. Obviously its an emotive subject to many people.

WannaBe - thank you.

Anyone on this thread talking about having no sex drive and how that's totally acceptable, is slightly missing the point of my original post.

Having no sex drive is one thing. Inflicting that choice on a partner, who has entered into a marriage under the illusion that it's a temporary state (due to work, or stress, or tiredness or even just laziness) is simply not fair. In fact, it's actually really cruel.

If you have no sex drive at the start of a relationship, it's not acceptable to lead someone on, into what they believe is an intimate relationship. No more than it would be for me to enter into a relationship saying I was celibate and then demand sex every day after marriage. Marriage involves honesty and some compromise of course.

I've always been totally honest with DH about what I need from a relationship. He has not afforded me the same. I don't think maliciously, just through a genuine lack of self awareness.

This thread has been such interesting reading, particularly that most posts are either LEAVE THE BASTARD or, suck it up (pardon the pun). I'm surprised that there wasn't more 'try this' or 'do this' or similar. I guess after 10 years where is there to go? It's really helped me to work out that now, it's the constant limbo of promises that have made me feel as bad as the lack of sex.

I'm not sure what happens next, but I just wanted to say thanks for everyone who has posted useful and supportive comments.

And ultimately we all tell our partners what we do and don't want in relationships so this is no different. Your DH should have been honest with you from the outset that he had an incredibly low sex drive, that being said, I would have been wondering about the wisdom of getting married to someone who didn't match your sex drive in the beginning of the relationship, but what's done is done...

But for me it's no different to a partner saying that they e.g. Do/don't like oral (giving or receiving) or that they don't like to do certain things during sex, the reaction isn't necessarily the same as I e.g. Wouldn't advise someone whose partner didn't like receiving oral to leave a relationship in the same way I would if there was no sex, but the honesty is no different.

Equally I remember once talking to someone who told me that he has difficulty maintaining relationships because his sex drive is such that he wants to have sex five/six times a day. I was a bit but could see why he had difficulties (and where does one even find the time?) but he at least was up-front with his partners about it afaik.

I get you are suffering but the likelihood is that he will never change. There is very little you can do to change the situation after 10 years. It really does seem to be a case of make or break unless you go to couples counselling or similar. It must be hard for you, i get you are bitter but you have waited for him to change and he hasnt. That is partially your fault as much as his? Surely you could see his promises did not materialise? You could wait another 10 years and it still be the same. It is up to you to make the decision and decide what is best for you? I know it is hard.

No it's not the OP's fault although she could potentially have taken the matter in hand earlier on and not married him when promises of improvement didn't materialise. It's a lot harder to leave a marriage than it is to break off an engagement.

TBH as you and your DH have never had that kind of sex life I imagine that even if things ever did change for him it would be like starting over iyswim? So possibly wouldn't be the relationship you want anyway.

YABU for expecting anyone to have sex with you. YANBU to want a sex life... there's a difference, it's small, but once you realise the attitude shift, you'll realise that although he may protest outloud that he does want a sex life, he is quite consistently showing you over the years that it is not part of his personality.

I went through this. 8 years of hell, thinking I was the problem and that I could fix you. You can't fix anyone! It has to be something they want for themselves.

You have a couple of choices: accept who he is and what that means for your relationship. You can go through counselling or trying new things together (if he is open to this) but do not expect any changes, because there is a chance things may never change for the better. In fact, they might get worse.

Or, you can leave.

Alternatively, you can stay, but resent him, without accepting the reality. I don't recommend this though. It will eat you up and make you bitter.

I have only read a few posts, so sorry if this has been said before: what would dive me mental is the cyclical (dubious) belief that the OP's husband seems to be blindly clinging on to is that there is a solution, this is a phase. The merry-go-round of I love you, this is just a lull excuse, but no real effort being put into finding a real solution or facing reality would irritate me. The delusion and denial would really grind me down.

One of the things women suffering from low libido are advised to do in order to increase sexual interest is to stimulate yourself, to masturbate. I'm not sure if the same goes for men. Possible solution: sex therapy, open marriage, end the romantic relationship (maintain the platonic love).

OP you don't have to be an a-sexual slave in order to maintain the family status quo. It's ok to insist on a resolution.

bluesbaby i think hAs it spot on.
It's hard op, i'm sorry.

I don't see that feeding has a been coming across all superior in her posts at all, just a different view.

The trouble is, FuzzyPeach - with respect because I've been there and I know where you're coming from - you can hear all the excuses (which may be truthful or partial truths) but it may not ever mean there will be a change. You nor he can guarantee that. So you have to accept your situation if you're going to stay in it, happily. And that's the key, isn't it - you both want to be happy, but you can't be guaranteed happiness because you're missing something you feel you need (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you need sex), and he can't guarantee that if he isn't tired, or isn't depressed, or isn't stressed about work, or isn't feeling fat and unlovable himself (all excuses I've heard!) that his libido will improve - he can't possibly guarantee that as he just doesn't know. That's not how a libido works, it's not like a switch.
People who tell you to just dress up a little, or wear lipstick, or try giving him a surprise BJ - it's all bollocks. That type of stuff works only if you're a little bored within the relationship. It doesn't fix a low libido.

Maybe he did think it would get better and just turned out to be wrong. Is it so bad to initiate sex when you want it, I have known many people in relationships where its always the man who initiates sex. No reason why it can't be the woman. As long as he isn't turning you down all the time then surly that is a fair compromise.

Sounds like me in flip reverse. I never had a high sex drive in the first place and since the birth of my son two years ago haven't felt any urge what so ever to have sex in any form (although I have, to please him). Not being pressured to in any way but I just have no desire at all. Nothing. Zip, zilch.
The little bit I had upped and left. I'm not bothered by it but my OH does bring it up, asks what's wrong, is there anything he can do, why don't I fancy him. I have tried to explain but just can't really.

I can understand your frustration regarding your H's low sex drive but there was more than enough evidence to suggest that it would be a problem for you and yes he was far from truthful but if you are honest, your H wasn't the only one in denial about it. There's a reason why people say actions speak louder than words.

Being the victim isn't a very helpful position to adopt because it doesn't help resolve the issues that brought you here. You were sexually incompatible from the start and you didn't need hindsight to see it either. If you want a relationship with frequent sex then this relationship isn't and never was, it.

Its decision time.

Op I really feel for you.
My first husband was not sexually interested in me, circumstances before we married meant that there was little opportunity for sex, and I thought that once we lived together as husband and wife life would be different.
I cannot describe to you what his lack of interest, his rejection of my advances did to my self esteem. when we finally separated I'm afraid I slept with far too many men in a bid to reassure myself that I was "fanciable".

Don't waste your life OP, you deserve to be happy and enjoy mutual intimacy with someone.

I have been married to my second husband for nearly 40 years, we are still physically close and I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I not made the decisionto leave the first marriage.

One of the things women suffering from low libido are advised to do in order to increase sexual interest is to stimulate yourself, to masturbate. I'm not sure if the same goes for men.*

It doesn't quite work in the same way for men. Natural unstimulated horniness tends to build over time, and once you ejaculate, through either sex or masturbation, it feels like a pressure relief valve has been let off and sexual desire disappears.

The merry-go-round of I love you, this is just a lull excuse, but no real effort being put into finding a real solution or facing reality would irritate me. The delusion and denial would really grind me down.

This is exactly how I live. We discuss it, he begs for more time, he promises that he's been feeling better and things will improve soon. I wait and hope... and it fades into silence for another few months. The hope is worse than if he were just to tell me he never wanted sex again.

Having no sex drive is one thing. Inflicting that choice on a partner, who has entered into a marriage under the illusion that it's a temporary state (due to work, or stress, or tiredness or even just laziness) is simply not fair. In fact, it's actually really cruel.

If you have no sex drive at the start of a relationship, it's not acceptable to lead someone on, into what they believe is an intimate relationship.

I completely agree. My DH blames it on depression or anxiety which affects his ability to maintain an erection, which in turn makes him too stressed and embarrassed to try. I've literally begged him to go to the GP for help and he refuses, which I feel is unbelievably fucking selfish. I do sometimes feel like he has tricked me and, as much as I love him to bits, had I known what our relationship would be like I'd never have started it

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through for the last 10 years. I've been searching endlessly online for an answer to this problem, when in reality I think I already know it.

I'm in a similar situation to you, but in a new relationship. My partner has been treated for depression which exacerbated the problem with his already dwindling libido. Our problems started only 4 months into our relationship. What resonated with me was your mention of your husband's previously active sexual interest. My partner slept with lots of women when he was younger and also dabbled with lots of different drugs. Our sex life was amazing when we first got together, I was going through a separation at the time and to find someone I could share that with was fantastic. However, if I'm honest, there was always a mismatch in our expectations and I was often frustrated that he didn't seem to want to have sex as often as I did. I have no doubt that my frustration at this caused an issue but I can't believe that it has led to what is now basically a sexless relationship.

Since last June we've had sex twice. My partner went to the GP last July about it and was diagnosed with depression and put onto SSRI medication which caused his libido to plummet further. He's since come off the medication, in January, but there's been no improvement. To be honest I'm ready to walk away. All the things you describe, I totally relate to. It's caused me such a lot of hurt and rejection that I'm now seeing a counsellor. And whilst I realise that its not the be all and end all of a relationship I miss it so much.

Like you, I feel a bit duped. I know he loves me, he's affectionate and caring but there's absolutely no passion, not even a proper kiss. We've talked endlessly about it, he promises me that things will be ok but there are just no signs of improvement. We've now stopped staying over at each other's places because it's too sad for me, and sometimes the frustration just gets too much. I'm 46 but I feel so much older.

In my heart I know I should leave but I love him and keep hanging on in the hope that one day we may get back what we had for those couple of short months. Reading your post, I now doubt that.

I'm sorry I have nothing encouraging to say. Putting that message on took a lot of courage and hopefully you can see that you're not alone although it often feels that way. It's a horrible, lonely situation and whilst the other person is suffering too because they can see the pain you're in, I just don't know the solution. I know that basing your self esteem on how your partner feels about you may seem weak but the look you get from someone who really loves AND desires you is amazing.The problem is that when your self esteem hits rock bottom because of the lack of intimacy you start to doubt that anyone will feel that way for you again.

pinkie1982 Then you should be honest with your husband. It really isn't fair to mislead someone so profoundly. Yes, he may decide to leave. But it is only fair to give him the option to make a choice.

I'm surprised that there wasn't more 'try this' or 'do this' or similar.

The thing is, this isnt within your power to fix, its totally up to your DH.
If he doesnt think theres a problem, and that this is just how he is and he doesnt want to change or feel he should change, there is nothing that can be done. You cant decide for him that he needs to change. This isnt a case of "wear sexy knickers to rekindle waning interest", this is how hes been through the whole of your relationship.

All you can do is decide if you can stay with him as things are. If you cant, and you tell him that, and he decides that he wants you to stay enough to try and change this then thats his decision, and its also your decision whether you want to give him any more chances.

Hello.. This was my really ancient thread and I just wanted to come back 4 years later and update in case anyone is interested or in the same position.

I'm always interested in the outcome when people have asked for advice so.. Here's mine.

TLDR. I did leave him.

Things reached a head a few months after this post. And honestly, the comments and discussion here genuinely helped me to see things more clearly, so I guess I also wanted to say a heartfelt thank you. I've often thought about this thread and the sensible advice I received.

Ultimately I realised that my wants and needs were really valid and I couldn't continue ignoring my feelings for another 10 years for the sake of a friendship in the facade of a marriage.

We divorced and are great co-parents (after initial ups and downs). The children are happy because we are both content and settled. I met someone else and am so fulfilled, not to sound too wanky but I feel like I've found my sparkle again. It was 100% the right choice.

Thanks again x

Brilliant news Fuzzy! Am really glad you're happy now. X

Dont have advice but just wanted to say there is lots of us in the same position and I totally can empathise on the impact it has on your self esteem

Lovely update! That was no life. It would never have changed. I’m glad you are both happy and you are finally getting hanky panky

@ImperialBlether

Entering into a marriage is wrong if you don't have a desire for sex, AlmostAJillSandwich, in my opinion.

So asexuals should be lonely forever? That's nice.